Like VS Love

How do you define the difference of the above terms? I have often heard people say "I will always Love you but I may not always Like you." What does this mean when someone says this? And which one can be more hurtful, more detrimental to us as human beings?

Let us first examine the difference of the two terms. When you Like someone, it can be platonic or something pedestrian. Like can be when you see someone from across the room or between friends. When you Love someone, it tends to run deeper and can be unconditional in terms of how parents may Love a child. Love can also cause us to forgive and embrace things about those ones we Love that we may not appreciate in those people that we Like.

See the difference?

I can Love my sisters unconditionally and Love them through anything they go through and support them. But there are times that they can make me mad and make me not Like them or the things they are doing, rather. But I can never say I stop Loving them. The same goes for those individuals who may have to watch someone they Love go through rehab or a painful experience. In this instance, they not so much disLike the person, but more the thing that is taking the person they Love away.

But which can be more painful?

I was thinking about this tonight. I began to contemplate asking my husband this questions:

"Do you Like me?"

With thinking about this question, I began to roll into my mind what my reaction may be to any response he could pose to me. If he told me he didn't Like me, he Loves me, I would have to clarify my question. If he were to tell me that he Loves me always but not always Likes me, it kind of stings. This is someone who is my friend and partner for life. Who wants to hear that their best friend only Likes us, "some of the time?"

Then again, if he were to tell me that he only Loves me "some of the time," this would almost hurt as much. It would lead me to believe that while he Likes being with me and around me, he does not see it as unconditional at that point in time. Almost like having that awkward conversation at the beginning of the relationship (teenager asking, "Why do not tell me you Love me?").

My husband and I just discussed this and he said, "To Love and be Loved is a blessing." Such a blessing it is. As Christians, we are taught that God Loves us unconditionally, that no matter the turns from Him we may make, He will always pick us up from the pile we create and help us back to the path. Much like the story of the prodigal son. This young man took his share of his father's inheritance and squandered it on pleasures of the flesh, food, wine, gambling, etc. He was left to lie with the pigs, thinking about how his father's servants were treated better and at least in a warm room. He decides to return home and beg forgiveness of his father and to be a servant in his house. But his father, seeing him, rejoices in his return and orders a large celebration. Seeing his younger brother being lavished over, the older brother asks his father why. His father immediately explained that his son had returned to life for he once was dead.

Such is the love of God. We can run away from everything we know, everything we raised up with. But we cannot run away from the Love He holds for us. And each time we come back and request to be a servant in His household, He holds a party for the child He though was dead has returned to life. And it is the children like that who needs the Love more than most.

If you had to choose a difference between the two, which would you rather be told? That you are Liked or you are Loved? Just some food for thought in this thing called, "La Vie."

Forge Your Own Path

"The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves."

-William Shakespeare

Throughout life, we all encounter those moments we refer to in several different terms.  Fate, destiny, it was "meant to be"...all of these terms indicate that something occurred that was somehow predetermined in the universe.  Now, I am not saying this is not completely incorrect because I do think there are things that come to pass.  But I think to a degree, we control that fate as well.

When I was in middle school, I went with some friends to a place called Oneighty.  This was a safe place where kids around the same age can go to.  For the first hour, you could play video games, have something to eat, hang out with your friends and the second hour was dedicated to the ministry portion of the program. One time, during the second hour, the topic turned to dating and how you find your soulmate.  The advice given to us in those seats was that your soulmate will come to your door.

Looking back, I realize that what they meant was that when you aren't looking, Love will find you.  But at that age, I took this to mean literally, sit at home, and wait for the person you are meant to be with to arrive.  Love, like life, sometimes needs helping along.  While you shouldn't search for it, you shouldn't ignore it either.  We must create our own destiny in Love to an extent.

Why does this come up, you ask?  Because this applies to the work place as well.  At my place of employment over the years, I have had many people mill promises over me.  A lot of times, I was content to rest on my laurels and wait for these promises to come to fruition.  I suppose you can see where this is going.  Nothing ever really became of what was said.  This can wear on a person who is constantly looking to better herself or improve who she is in work (she for myself, of course!).  This time, I determined that it needed to be different.

I was beginning to become frustrated.  I had a large system of support at first when I started at the company.  But, as it often happens, sometimes roles of the superiors change and with that, expectations and support can also alter.  I was holding a lot of things I wanted to see for myself.  However, I found myself waiting for someone else to make it happen for me.  Odd, as this is never how things work generally.  So, I came to a decision: take my own destiny, my own work future, into my hands.  I plan to start different training courses and searching out ways to better my skill set.

What about you?  Is there something currently in your life that you have been waiting to take care of itself?  Perhaps you, like me, are waiting for something in the workplace to take off?  Or perhaps you are waiting for Love?  Maybe it is something else entirely, a calling or something deeper.  You are not helping yourself by waiting for it to be handed to you.  Take chances, take risks and enjoy life!  Why wait for someone else to hand you something when you will feel so much better about it when you earn it?

Landmark Numbers and Everyday Heroes

Wow!  I can't believe we are here already!!

First of all, a hearty and big THANK YOU to all of you reading this post!  When I opened my blog this morning, I found I had reached 1000 page views!  It seems like a few weeks ago when I had gotten to 100. It may not seem like much to be excited about but the fact is that you are reading what I have to say and it makes me want to write more.  So thank you.  Also, I encourage you please, if you have ideas or something you want me to write about, send me the suggestion!  I am open to inspiration, no matter the source!

Now, on to today's topic...

It is a tragic and unfortunately, common occurrence in our society today.  Kidnapping.  A crime that makes us all scared and uncomfortable to sleep in our own beds.  The thought that people, strangers, have gotten so brazen to take children out of their beds or front yards in daylight shakes us all to our core.  The fact that parents can kidnap their own child's lives, innocence or dignity scares us as well.  But it is nice to know that even in the midst of darkness, the glimmer of Hope continues to shine forth through the murk.

Recently, three women were rescued from having being kidnapped and presumed dead over the course of ten years, in Cleveland.  The man who reported the discovery of one of the women, Charles Ramsey, made the frantic phone call.  In his interviews, he has shared that the man who kidnapped these women was someone he frequently barbecued with, with whom he talked and quoted him as being someone you wouldn't look twice due to appearance or manner.  But this cordial man had been harboring three women, committing a crime that parents hope they never, ever have to face.

This morning, before I came to write my blog, I was skimming through Facebook and saw a picture of the man with a quote: "I get a paycheck, give the reward to the rescued women."  I read through the caption underneath the picture and admired what he said.  The reasoning?  He said he was just doing the right thing and that doesn't make him a hero.  With doing the right thing, he doesn't deserve a reward.  Instead, give it to the women so they can begin their lives outside of captivity.  From this, how can we define what a hero is  Is doing the right thing being a hero?  Or are heroes the thing of fiction and everyone else is just trying to get by?

Too often, I think that we do things in life, not because it is the right thing but because we think we may get something out of it.  I am guilty of it too.  I may not expect an immediate reward but I often think of it a karma.  OK, I say to myself, if I do this, then eventually someone will help me or something good will happen for me.  Do I always associate my positive energy with something I did in the past?  No!  Perfect example: before I moved in with my fiance, I would drive up every other weekend to spend time with him.  One weekend, I ran over a curb just as I was getting into town and completely decimated my tire.  I mean, it was flat, flat, no salvaging there!  I managed to get my car to limp to a gas station where I sat for about 15 minutes, tire iron in hand, waiting for my then-boyfriend (now fiance) and his son come help me.  While standing there, not a single, solitary person stopped to ask me if I needed help or if something was wrong.  And several people walked by me while I was trying to take the lug nuts off!

The truth is, whatever we do in life we should do without expecting reward.  If we expect something in return, how can the action be pure of heart?  I can understand helping a stranded motorist with the hopes someone would stop for you but overall, we shouldn't expect anything.  As human beings, we need to be willing to assist and come to the aid of our fellow man without any strings attached.  Once we do something without expecting anything, it comes free of burden, of downfall, of anything that would take away from what that action means.  We need to become volunteers in life.  Volunteering to help people in any and all situations where we can offer assistance and not ask for any form of repayment.  To help simply because we want and need to help.

While the rain falls and patters gently against my window pane or perhaps the sun is streaming through your curtains, remain still for a moment.  Listen to the world around you.  I sit here writing this blog with our little dog, Molly, cuddled next to me.  The birds are singing into the window.  I feel so at peace with the world and ready for the day.  A day and a job where I help people all day long.  And then home for a quiet night with my fiance, my little dog and serenity.  Enjoy this day, be glad and remember to help your fellow man in this thing called, "La Vie."

Birthday Wishes on Butterfly Wings

What has happened to me??  I know, I have been MIA for several days.  It has been a crazy few days, too!

My blooming tulips

Friday, we got my fiance's son for the weekend.  I got home around 7 and immediately went to making dinner and talking and entertaining the five year old.  He is very sweet but was a complete handful this weekend!  The most difficult ever!

Saturday, all three of us went to where my fiance graduated from high school with his sister and her two daughters.  All six of us were invincible, conquering arguments and hiking around a festival, saying "no" and "yes," backing each other up all the way.  We went to lunch shortly thereafter and then, visiting other family members.  We got back late that night and we all went straight to bed.

Cards and rhubarb tart!

Yesterday, Sunday, was my birthday!  Quarter of a century old, there was a packed day ahead of us.  Unbeknownst to us is exactly how long it would extend.  We took my fiance's son back by noon.  While there, my fiance took a tumble.  His ankle become swollen and he was in pain.  He bit his bottom lip, knowing my family was coming for dinner.  We drove back home (he drove) and he propped his foot up with ice while I did laundry.  My family came and brought strawberry-rhubarb pie (I LOVE rhubarb!  Try cooking with it, it is awesome!), presents and tons of well-wishes.

When we bid them adieu (much to our puppy's displeasure), Ryan admitted to me that he was in a lot of pain.  He asked to be taken to the Emergency Room.  What else was I to do but oblige?  I drove him to the hospital, helped him into the waiting room, where we awaited Triage and a bed.  His blood pressure was sky high as well as his pain tolerance.  When we finally got a bed, I helped to take his shoe off.

The doctor walked in.  He kind of stooped a little when he walked, had a beard and tired eyes.  He expressed he was already on his 6th cup of coffee and there since Friday.  Probably working a 72-hour, I told my fiance.  The doctor joked with us, trying to be good natured and make light of the situation.  Once my fiance got back from X-ray, he expressed that he was becoming annoyed by the jokes.  I also had been joking with him.  This launched us into a conversation about making light of the scenario.

I admire those men and women who work in a field such as medicine or law enforcement or any of the fields that are very serious and grave situations.  I can appreciate someone trying to have a sense of humor in the setting as well.  I love to joke when I am not feeling well.  I would rather bring smiles to a room and make myself feel better, than sit in silence while a busy room passes around me.  If I am not smiling in a situation like that, I feel as though everyone else is going at the speed of light and I am left behind.  I try and bring my fiance a smile every day, my family a smile every chance I can.  I try to smile every chance I can as well.

The butterfly

Friday night when I got home, I was welcomed with a kiss and two hugs, a bouquet of mixed-color tulips and a butterfly necklace.  Now, I stand in my kitchen and the tulips are blooming and perfuming the room.  My birthday wishes still linger in the air, the last bars from "Happy Birthday" echo in the apartment.  I saw my fiance off in his air cast and crutches, teaching him as much as I learned when I was on crutches a few years ago.  Sitting here now, enjoying some corn muffins and coffee before work, I reflect on the reasoning I was given the butterfly necklace by my fiance.

"It is said that when a dream is coming true, someone will see a butterfly crossing their path.  Well, honey, you are my dream come true."

The Importance of Family

Me and my mom and sisters.

I was very fortunate to grow up in a family that has been nothing but supportive.  My mom and dad have both encouraged me to reach for the stars.  My sisters, both younger, challenge me and tease me.  True, we may annoy each other, but we know we can always turn to one another it we needed it.  Growing up, divorce was a foreign word and separation was something done at school, not between parents.  Affairs were entertained at dinner or in a political atmosphere and adultery was one of the Ten Commandments.

It wasn't until I began to attend public school that the beauty of my world yielded to the truth beyond the pavement.  Beyond the roads I traveled on my bicycle or the neighborhood my sisters and I wandered, looking for someone to play with.  Up unto that point, I would agree if you called me naive.  I knew there was more outside of my front door because of how I was not allowed to listen to certain music or watch certain television channels.  But image my shock when people would ask me if my parents are divorced (my mom kept her maiden name).  What was this, this divorce?

Yesterday, at work, a coworker of mine stopped me to discuss a project he had asked me to help him with. We discussed the design I was constructing and then he told me he was going to have his team (he is a coach), at the award banquet, present awards of appreciation to their parents as well.  He described how the certificate would look as we walked.  I told him I believed it to be a great idea on his part and even better that the kids will get to take an active part in the process (signing their name, presenting it to their parents).  He then told me something that struck me.  "As a coach, I am teaching more than soccer.  I am teaching life.  And with this, I want to teach them appreciation for their parents and explain why we are doing this."

I followed it with the best thing I could consider, "That is a great idea.  It is sad that they will soon forget to appreciate their parents and then come back after the teens years to realize how right their parents are."

Patrick Henry Hughes and his father.

I recently saw a video, the story of which I am familiar, that shows images of a disabled son who participates in a marching band.  Though bound to a wheelchair, his father marches him around the field, learning the drill and the formations, while his son plays the trumpet.  I know parents would do anything to guarantee their children a better quality of life than was before.  The strength and courage parents have to bear for their children is moving.  I am truly in awe.

I can only hope that, come the day I become a parent, that I deserve that honor, that my patience become long and my anger short.  That I can be like my mom and my dad.  Caring, loving, compassionate, protective.  I take notes and lessons every time I am surrounded by my family.  I learn from my sisters, as well.  I love my family deeply, both my nuclear and my extended family, those I am close to and those I wish I could see more.  I have a lot to learn from "La Vie."

The Salt and the Light

While on my way to work one day this week, I heard this song by Rhett Walker Band come on the radio.  Now, I have never been a big one for Christian music.  My family never really listened to it at home and I tried to avoid it outside of the home.  The only time I really had to listen to it was because I went to Oneighty with a friend of mine in middle school.  It was a setting where kids in the community could go to have fun and then hear an "obligatory word of God" for the last hour of the night.  On Fridays, they had 5th Quarter, where students can come after football games and hang out.

I respected everyone's views being different but the struggle came from my views not being respected.  Again, I was raised Catholic.  Catholicism has always been something that, when I bring it up, it is frowned upon.  Mind you, my fiance's different background was frowned upon when we spoke with a priest as well.

Over the last few days, both the words of this song and an experience at World Youth Day in Canada has caused me to think.  The lyrics of the song strongly reflect feelings I have experienced for a long time in my life.  That of pride, of knowing what is best in my life:

                                       V1: I'm torn between myself and your truth

These cursed memories, forever seeping through

My thirst for myself left me wanting more

Till I found myself face down on your shore

Chorus

V2: My restless heart, led me astray

To my selfish pride I became my own slave

But you placed a thirst in me with no drink in sight

'Cause I could not see till I saw through your eyes

These lyrics paint the experience, the path I walked down for many years.  The confusion I faced and tried to overcome, the feeling of being lost and alone.  This song, the chorus (which is not included in the above lyrics), is trying to illustrate the meaninglessness of worrying, to lay burdens down and trust all will be well.  Won't my fiance be happy to read this, as it is something he has been preaching to me for the entirety of our relationship?

I mentioned World Youth Day.  This is an event for the Catholic youth.  Youth from all over the world come to a selected city and celebrate Mass together, make friends together, share experiences together and live together.  I remember myself and a friend of mine were suppose to be too young to attend, but we were given special permission by our parish priest.  What a week it was!  We slept in a school, with groups from 

Trinidad across from the girls room I was in.  We shared meals together with other groups from all over the nation and world.  The last night we were there, we were sleeping outside in anticipation of hearing the then Pope John Paul II speak and hold mass the net day.  We slept in boxes, talked with our peers and walked around.  The next morning, it was rainy, the boxes disintegrating under the weight of the water.  Suddenly, it stopped when the Pope came to the stage/altar.

The message of this trip was Matthew 5:13-14, "You are the salt of the earth....you are the light of the world."  I remember hearing animated stories about this and what it means.  I remember attending a Mass where the priest said, "A radical Christian is a salty Christian!"  The verses, in their entirety (Matthew 5: 13-16) are this:

¹³ “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.

¹⁴ “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵ Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. ¹⁶ In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

We carry the weight of our faiths on our shoulders.  We alone as responsible for it thriving and growing.  We have to provide the flavor of the world and the light all around.  Even if not in solely a religious ideology, we should be a light, a beacon to those who need help, support and love.  Perhaps you have needed that in the past and felt yourself gravitate to someone who was a stranger to you.  Perhaps you found yourself telling a stranger your life story, not really knowing what prompted you.  And perhaps, because of this serendipity, you felt all the better.

Yes, I have had incidences and experiences in my life that are far from favorable.  But I also have points in time that I should celebrate.  I have experienced now that should be celebrated.  I know I need to stop fretting and worrying, stressing and carrying things I have no control over.  Maybe you need to reflect this as well.  Remember, a thing called, "La Vie" comes and passes so quickly that it can be gone in a blink of an eye.  Try to not let it pass without enjoying it.

Increasing your Vision: A Growth of Self

What is your eyesight like?  Do you have to wear glasses?  What about contact lenses?  Do you ever struggle to see at night or when walking into the bright daylight from a dimly lit corridor?  Are you reflecting on your sight or vision?

When I looked "Vision" up in the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary, several types of definitions came up. Interestingly enough, the first two definitions do not relate at all to the sense.  They define to vision as, "something seen in a dream, trance or ecstasy," or, "the act or power of imagination."  So not only is vision related to the sense of sight, but also can be something that is not really there but imagined.

Today, in church, our pastor began to speak about this very topic (thus why I am writing about it now).  The sermon was entitled, "How is your vision?"  The overall point of his sermon was that you cannot reach a point in life without knowing where that point falls.  The next question may be how is that point determined?  I guess that depends entirely on how your Vision is.

In other words, you have to set your goals of growth in life, because no one will do it for you.  And once you achieve the first goals, you must set yourself higher goals.  Without somewhere to go in life, how can we propel forward?  Take, for example, a student who is graduating high school.  Perhaps they have set a goal to complete college.  In college, there are several sub-goals: passing courses, tests, the long nights of studying.  On that day when they walk across the stage, that goal is achieved.  They now have to decide what their next goal is.

Perhaps they will decide that they have had enough school and they want to go into the workplace.  Perhaps they want to further their education and go onto a Master's program.  We cannot move forward in life without knowing where we have come from and, more importantly, where we are going.  Certainly, sometimes we struggle to determine what path we should go down.  Especially in our youth, that is to be expected.  It is a part of learning what our Vision is.

Like everything in life, Vision of life, growth and future is something that is ever changing and ever evolving.  Today, my Vision for my life is much different from when I was in, say, 3rd grade!  Especially when, in 3rd grade, I was planning on becoming a nun.  But that is the beauty of childhood and having supportive adults to surround those children.  Children, you see, have very blurry Vision.  They daydream and change constantly what they "want to be when they grow up."  The beauty of this is they are free to explore the possibilities while the adults can help wrangle those energies in.

We all play a crucial part in one another's Visions.  We must all support one another because we cannot reach our Visions by ourselves.  Many pitfalls befall across our paths.  However, with Faith and the people around us supporting who we are and where we are going, we can never fall short of our goals or our Visions.  Afterall, we set our Visions and goals, but we all need help to achieve them.

Wired In and Tapped Out

I am so very lucky and fortunate.  I have finished a week of work and had a productive day.  I come home to find my fiance talking with a neighbor while his son is playing on the jungle gym and with his scooter.  I got to have a great, little helper to wash dishes and make dinner (he is such a great little sous chef!).

We live in such a digital age.  In my job, I work at an operations center, in effect as a Customer Service Representative in a call center.  I really do enjoy my job.  I get to learn so much and help people solve their problems.  Our world is completely wired: computers, call trackers, IP phones.  Imagine our surprise when we come across people who do not have access or know how to use a computer.

Today, I overheard my coworker who is in the desk next to mine speak with a customer who was trying to submit an application.  She kept muting her phone and discussing how she can't help him if he doesn't even know how to use email.  Another woman in our pod turned to me, asking how someone could not know how to use email.  I told her maybe they are a mom-and-pop shop that operates by word of mouth, who would find no real return from Internet exposure.

It really causes one to think about how we work in our world.  When was the last time you unplugged from the Internet for a complete weekend?  I know I can't remember the last time.  I hope that I will during my honeymoon!  But seriously, consider the life you have had since now and watch the younger generations.  I can't believe how many kids have smart phones...and they aren't even driving!  I was not even allowed to have a phone, period, until I could drive!  Computers were family matters until college and they were kept in very public areas, so parents could monitor everything their child was accessing.  Now, you see kids who know how to operate tablets, computers and other electronic devices at a younger and younger age.

And what are we losing in this great evolution of thought?  We are losing our connection as people.  I remember watching the movie Crash and a quote really sunk in:
Graham: It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.

Think about it.  We don't connect like we had to in the past.  We know we live parallel to one another, but we don't live with each other.  We know there are others in the world, but how much do we actually know about them?  We cut ourselves off from the world, but then we complain about not having connections, contact, friends or other sources of comfort.  How can we change this?

I really think a step in the right direct is the Pay It Forward movement that has taken off this year.  Doing nice things for strangers reminds those people that there are other people who want to connect.  It then gives them incentive to pass that good feeling along.  Why not try paying it forward?  You don't have to buy anything, necessarily.  Just perform a nice gesture.  Call on those manners that our parents gave us.  Hold doors open for other people or compliment someone who looks nice.  We can all do a little bit to make our world a little better.

Cool, Spring Air

Wednesday nights, I always work nights.  Sometimes, it's a drag.  Sometimes it is a welcomed break as I can sleep in just a bit.  Last night, it was a pleasure.

When I finally got to walk outside of the building I work in, I immediately felt the rush of cool air and wind hit my skin.  I felt like I was in a dream.  I wanted nothing more than to lie in an open field, allowing the winds to swirl around me, to be carried about by the sounds of crickets and to be gazed upon by the stars.  To just let the world pass as though I had no where to be.  I dreading walking back indoors, knowing that come the next morning, the heat would begin to rise.  An Indian Summer is upon us.

While the temperature can't decide where to settle yet, the wedding plans need to take off!  We are 6 months out from our date of October 5th, 2013!  I am so very excited to be embarking on this journey but what a stressful journey it can be!  I am so thankful to have to people around me such as my fiance, our familys and our friends.  We have so much support through this process.

Nothing too deep to writing today.  It is the end of the day and I am settling in for the evening.  Perhaps I need to start waking up early in order to write more to my leisure.  Perhaps my times will continue to be sporadic in posting.  But I will never be lack of things to say.

Go outside in the cool, evening air.  Breath deeply.  Enjoy the world around you.  Enjoy "La Vie."

The Dance of Courtship

Ah, courtship!  The dance of Love, passion and future.  I have often said to my peers that by large, the human species is the only one in which the women attracted the men.  Mind you, this doesn't mean that women do all the work, but they are the ones who primarily cause the attraction.  When I thought about this topic for today, I decided to look the information up, become better informed.  To my surprise, there are more species that have an evenness of roles in attraction across the Animal Kingdom.


Too often, we associate male birds, fish and other animals with putting on shows and brightly colored displays to attract a mate.  In the article I read this morning ("In the Animal Kingdom, a New Look at Female Beauty," The New York Times),  there are examples of animals in which the male does display colors or striking marks, but the female returns this display.  The brighter the females' markings, the more desirable the mate.  The first example of this is the Goby fish, in which the males approach a female and show off blue spots on their fins.  If the female is interested, it will back-flip, displaying the bright yellow spots on its belly.  The brighter the spots, the better the chance of courtship.

This was cause for pause.  Was it reflected in our society?  It seems that our first line of courtship is the colorful plumes of our females, the hair, make-up, clothing and everything else that goes into primping.  We parade in front of our male counterparts, hoping someone will approach us and talk to us.  We smile, play with our hair, make eye contact and flirtatiously look away.  But it isn't all one way.

Men, I am sure, primp extensively when they are out looking for the courtship of their life.  So while they are showing their colorful plumes, surely they are nervous about looking at ours.  While attractiveness is a crucial point of coming together as a couple, there are so many factors that cannot be accurately calculated by science.  As a higher level of society, we do not court simply for the need of impregnating and leaving.  We have, as far as I am able to tell, evolved beyond that point.  We have become a society of monogamy and feel the need to court, not only those who stimulate the loins, but who stimulate our intellect, our interests and our need for companionship.

To those women who are experiencing difficulty finding that man who want to court them or they keep meeting the "wrong" men, I was there.  I met too many of the wrong guys and constantly thought that was all I could have.  I was told in high school that I was a girl guys would marry, but would never date.  I am dead serious!  I was so confused.  How could you marry me but not date me?

Fast forward to today.  After years of online dating and months upon months of wasted relationships, of tearing myself down, convincing myself I don't deserve better, I found my companion.  But it took time.  I am lucky enough to find someone who embraces my intellect and my perspective of the world, who also supports me in all that I do.  This will happen for you too.  You have to consider that our society has been flooded with media images of the desirable girl.  But those girls don't last.  I finally understand what that boy in high school meant by what he said.  I am not someone for a few dates.  I am someone to settle down with.  And I am so happy I have found the man I will settle down with.

Don't give up on love.  Love will come when you least expect it.  When you don't see it, it might just be like a flower covered in snow.  Give it time, culture your garden and suddenly, it will bloom.  Until then, indulge in yourself, ladies and gents.  The more you know about yourself, the better you can present yourself and the stronger your relationships.  For now, enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Slow to Anger, Quick to Forgive

We all get mad at other people, right?  We all get angry with ourselves and each other.  That is just human nature.  I think the thing we all forget is how to deal with this anger and, if nothing else, how to argue.  That's right, there are different argument styles.

No one wants to argue.  OK, I admit there are people in the world who seem to take great pleasure in antagonising others.  But typically, no one enjoys arguing.  I am such a push-over when it comes to arguments.  I can't stand it when someone is mad at me.  Plus, arguing makes me feel bad both mentally and emotionally.  Who wants to feel that way?

For the longest time, I thought that if you argue in a relationship, the relationship is over.  I would appease the person I was seeing in order to prevent an argument.  Meanwhile, my happiness was draining from my body.  I have no joy in life.  I didn't even feel like I had the privilege of asking to do something I wanted to do.  I was scared.  Scared to have an opinion or, at least, a different one.

Fortunately, I am not lack of opinion in my current relationship.  We may butt heads, but it so nice to be able to disagree and come to accept that in one another.  Our arguments don't last long (like I said, I hate to fight!) and when we do argue, I try to argue the best way possible.

The difference?  When a lot of people argue, they blame.  YOU did this and YOU did that and it's YOUR fault.  In those short phrases, you have quickly taken all of the heat off of yourself and placed it upon someone else.  I read recently that no one can "make" you mad.  Only you can do that.  So, if this is the pattern of thought we follow, how can someone else be to blame?

Instead, try "I" statements.  This is what I try to do in an argument, no matter who I disagree with.  "I feel" or "I think" even "I want."  By using "I", you are establishing partial fault.  Ever hear that lovely phrase, "When you point at someone, three fingers are pointing back at you?"  This is especially true in arguing.  We can throw "yous" all over the place!  But where does it get any of us?  Certainly not to resolution!

This applies even in a heated conversation.  Last night, my fiancé and I were talking about an article and we were on opposite sides of the fence.  I admit, I was wrong in my approach several times.  I used "you" when I was trying to find out more information about my fiancé's feelings on the subject.  Instead of saying, "Why do you feel like that?" (seems harmless, I know), I probably should have said, "I would like to know how you come to that conclusion."  It doesn't come across as accusatory or offensive.  Mind you, I don't think I raised my voice (I hope not), but sometimes the tone doesn't matter.  Our words are weapons that often times, we don't use correctly and wield too quickly.  But once a word is uttered, it is there.  Never to be revoked.

Within five minutes of this conversation, I was hugging my fiancé, reconciling with him.  I tell him I am the best person to argue with because I never want to stay mad.  I am too affectionate of a person.  But you have to discover what works for you.  Maybe you need to walk away and leave the issue alone.  Sometimes, I need to do that.  Sometimes you may need to go to bed angry.  You would be amazed how differently the situation looks in the morning.  But try always to be slow to anger and quick to forgive.  Remember that burned bridges take years to rebuild.  That is time better spent celebrating together.

For my fiancé, if you are reading this tonight, or any night, I am sorry for our argument.  I don't ever wish to live in a place of anger or malcontents with you.  I was wrong in my approach.  I love you with my heart and my being.  Remember that whatever we encounter, I will be the first to embrace you.

Forever a Journey

A path we walk can either be well-lit or need a latern.

I had such an enjoyable weekend!  Making friends is not left to just little kids.  My fiancé and I had invited a couple over who has a little boy not much younger than my soon-to-be stepson.  Kind of cool to say...stepson!  Anyways, we had a blast talking and laughing at our little boys interacting.  My cheeks thoroughly ached from all the fits of laughter I flew into.  Afterall, what is better than the sound of laughter?

I am so very glad I started this blog.  It is so renewing for me.  I get to explore the world as I see it, not restricted or censored in any manner.  My fiancé has told me he admires the way I write.  This past week, he commented that with the way I write, I should write a book.

"But I don't know what I would write about," I exclaimed.

"Write what you are writing now.  Make a collection and call it, 'Inspirations,'" he encouraged.

This made me think.  Dangerous thing, I know. What I have come to realize is this: I love writing.  I always have loved writing.  I use to write practice essays when home from school on made up topics.  I also use to make up my own math problems.  That is another issue entirely.

I meditated on this for a long time.  What would I write?  What did I have to say?  Would anyone want to read it?  I decided what I suppose a lot of writers ultimately decide.  If I am going to write anything, I should write something I would read or what I enjoy reading.  My whole purpose behind this blog is to communicate my experiences and what I have gone through.  To express myself and my point of view.  There has been two aspects in my life that have been crucial in building my point of view and my world: books and music.

How can I merge this with my writing?  Do they even merge?  I had thought about taking selected pieces of my blog out and elaborating on it.  Then it came to me.  I can present different pieces of music I love, different quotes from plays, movies, the Bible or poetry and connect it to a life experience to indulge upon.  I already began writing a list.  A lot of them come from my years in the Lenoir-Rhyne A Cappella Choir.

When I say "Forever a Journey," I do mean forever.  My journey with my fiancé who will become my husband in October.  My journey with my family, his family and, someday, our family.  My journey with my friends.  My journey with my career and my life choices, both those in the past, present and future.  Always remembering that what we do and have done does not define who we are.  It only helps make us who we can be.

Once Around the Color Wheel

Our world is so vibrant and beautiful.  But how much of that beauty do we really recognize and admire?  I am fortunate enough to have time in the mornings every other week to take me time in the morning, embrace the hours as they pass and enjoy the day as it slowly welcomes me.  How about you?  In your rushing about in the morning, do you ever stop to looking around, to smell the roses?
What about the colors that surround you?

Before I was at my present job (as little as 6 months ago), I worked at a sign fabrication shop for 2 years.  I will give you a moment to let that soak in....are you good?  OK.  Because I thought the same thing.  I had gotten done with college and had a summer job but at the end of the summer, I had no where to go.  A new retail company opened a month after that and I was offered a job.  Within 6 months (after having two jobs and letting one go), I was back to having two part time jobs.  One of them was at this sign company.  Over the course of two years, I was offered a full time position and the position began to evolve.  Before my departure to my current job, I was work in the vinyl department in the company.  I worked with different materials, colors and computer programs.  This caused me to think about the colors in the world around me.

I remember driving home one day and looking up at the sky.  That day, the sky wasn't light blue or dark blue.  It was Euro Blue, a vinyl color.  I realized then how much working with the vinyl had caused me to take a new appreciation for color around me.  As an artist, I am in love with color and this job had given me a new appreciation for color.

Walk in wildflowers!

When was the last time you picked up a crayon box and went through the crayons?  Or when you noticed and tried to actually name the color in the sky or in the grass?  These are things that we grow out of.  What once gave us, as children, such joy, we begin to notice does not give me as much zeal and we begin to take things for granted.  But how can we do this and continue to grow?  To move forward, we should remember where we have come from.

The next time you are in a rush, if you can, slow down.  Look around you.  Remember that the things around you are not just blue or green or gray.  Look at a bouquet of the same flower and you can see the differences.  In color, in form, in style.  Isn't that what makes them beautiful?  If everything was identical, where would be the excitement and curiosity in that?  Enjoy exploring your world and a thing called, "La Vie."

From a Nightmare to Reality

Such a difficult decision...

This morning, while the rest of the world began to wake, I lifted my head from my pillow.  I heard my fiance moving around quietly, preparing to leave for work, not wanting to disturb me.  When I lifted my head, my eyes were watery, filled with sleep.  But they were also filled with more.  When I came into the main room, my eyes filled with tears as my arms wrapped around the neck of the man I love so much.

When asked what was wrong, all I could whisper was that I had a nightmare where I had lost him and couldn't get him back.  He comforted me and told me that is why it is a nightmare, a dream.  It isn't real.  We always ultimately wake up from the dream and can leave that state of thought.  How easy it all seems.  To wake and realize it was all a dream.  This morning was the first morning I had woken from a nightmare in utter tears from what the dream was about.

Our small dog, Molly, is sitting by me, mad I am not lavishing my utter and complete attention over her.  I think she is jealous of the computer.  My arm can attest to her wanting attention while my ears hear her cries.  I wish she could have roused me from the dream.  It is such a blurred line sometimes, dreams and reality.  Sometimes the fairy tale I experience with my fiance makes me question what stage of REM sleep I may be in.

The difference between dreams and reality can be compared to the differences between truths and lies.  I am watching Georgia Rule this morning, in which Lindsay Lohan's character is known by her family as being notorious for not telling the truth.  But as the story unfolds, we begin to wonder if she really knows the difference.  Now, take the actress' character out of the equation (as we know it is of ill-repute), we can see an example how if someone gets deeply involved in lies or truths, the line could easily be misconstrued.  The same could be said for dreams.  If we forever live in a fantasy world, we have difficulty coming out of it.

The things that takes me out of reality more than anything is books.  Books sometimes become my truth, my dreams and my reality.  When that book is done, I have to return to my perceived reality until a new truth could be found and read cover to cover.  In the movie, the truth is ultimately discovered by all parties and healing can begin.  What healing can be accomplished if the healing fact is not known?  If we base our healing on lies, is it really healing?  The same with dreams and reality.  If we base our life and build it around solely a dream, is their any weight to what we establish?  Don't get me wrong, I am all for following dreams.  But if you have a dream of being an executive, how can you spend like one before you are one?  That is the difference between living truth, perception, lies, dreams and reality.

I am so grateful that my fiance was there, with open arms, ready to embrace me this morning.  When I woke, it was so quiet I was afraid my nightmare had come true.  To come out of the room and find him standing there brought me so much comfort.  It brought me back to reality, brought me back to my truth, our truth.  I am far from a perfect being and I would never claim to be perfect.  But somehow, I felt a little more complete this morning.

Whether you are waking or preparing for bed.

Have you ever had a dream, nightmare, faced with truth or lies that brought you to reflect on your life and how you weigh your priorities?  I know last night was a moment like that for me.  I was overjoyed to have someone to bring me out of that dream.  Do you have someone to bring you from a dream?  It is like Inception, when they have an object to remind them what stage of world they are in, dream or reality.  What is the thing or person that keeps you grounded?

I hope everyone reading this has a wonderful day or evening, depending where in the world you are.  Whether you are waking from the sleeping world you preparing to settle back in for a night of dreams, I hope you enjoy this thing called, "La Vie."

Passing Spring with Love Notes

I love a good, foggy morning!

Oh why does the weather torment me so?  Mother Nature, I need you to get on some hormones or something.  Your hot flashes and night sweats are simultaneously making me burn and freeze all the time!  I don't know how to dress, coat or no coat...please...go to Father Time's doctor's office and have him look over you.

I am so ready for spring to be here.  And I mean spring!  Not this Southern excuse-for-spring weather.  The weather where in the morning, it may be about 45 F and by mid-afternoon, a cool 65 F.  Where the fog lays heavy on the Earth and all seems still and pristine.  The dew collects on the petals of flowers and the world exhales slowly.  That is Spring.  When you feel as though the world could not get any more perfected.

Well, of course, my parents perfected it more by having moi!  Yes, there is much to look forward to during this time.  This is my favorite time to go for walks and enjoy nature, as is Fall.  The flowers are blooming, the birds are always singing, the world seems brighter.  It is the time of my birthday, which I love not because of the day but because of the time of year.  It is also the time of Love, new and old, rekindled and sparked.

My favorite thing about Love?  The romance.  The way someone can light up your world by the simplest of gestures.  To the same extent, someone is able to build up your hopes and dash them against a rock.  My favorite thing about my relationship with my fiancé?  The Love Notes.

Yes, we do the sappy, leave-each-other-notes thing.  Strange thing is, I love penning each letter as much as a enjoy receiving it.  If my fiancé elected to base my entire romance on the idea of writing me post-its or letters or cards, I would be happy.  It would be unlike the expression of Love I have ever experienced.  Afterall, what is writing but a forgotten art?

My fiancé has many times marvelled at how I can write this blog, while simultaneously asking if I have said any horrible things about him.  He knows the address, he can read it.  More importantly, I initially started this to help us communicate better.  A lot of the time, I find myself incapable of articulating how I may be feeling or what I may be thinking at a point in time.  In order to better express myself to him, as well as to relieve the stress of worry and contemplation I carry, I thought this would be a good way to nip it in the bud.  This is, therefore, an art form.

I remember being young and after receiving gifts, it was impressed upon myself and my two younger sisters to write thank you notes diligently to those who sent us presents.  I use to hate doing it, finding it bothersome and annoying, a waste of play time.  At the beginning of my engagement, however, I found myself consciously thinking about writing thank you notes.  I wish I got thank you notes.  Mind you, two of those notes are still awaiting addresses, but they are written!

When I was in about middle school, I remember fondly passing notes between classes with my friends.  Oh, how I loved getting a note!  I felt as though I was in a secret society.  This is why writing is so cherished, so loved by people like me.  This is why I adore my fiancé's Love Notes.  Every time I find one waiting for me, it is like a treasure on a piece of paper.  It is one of those things that is hard to let go, as I have no idea when I might get the next one.  I feel as a child on Christmas, waiting for Santa to bring her toys.  When all I really want...is a note from the man I love.

When was the last time you wrote words of endearment to a loved one?  Do you try to do it often?  Perhaps you should take some time and jot a note to your significant other about how much they mean to you.  I fear in this fast-paced world, we sometimes think those around us automatically know we appreciate them.  I know I want that to be acknowledged sometimes though as well.  It isn't enough to know you love me.  Tell me you love me.  Show me you love me.  Tell me your appreciate me.  Show me what I do is appreciated.

I firmly believe that we are all like children.  We want the approval of those around us.  We may be thinking we are OK to not audibly hear the approval, but deep down, the reassurance does wonders for us and makes us want to continue the praised behavior.  So write a Love Note, tell your loved one you appreciate them or simply go behind them, wrap them in your arms and tell them you don't ever want to let go.

Afterall...what is Life without a little Love?

Couple's Loving Embrace

 

 

On Eagle's Wings

Picture of my fiancé's tattoo

Oh man, to have to get up this morning and drag myself to work.  Fortunately, I am working the late shift...unfortunately, I am working the late shift.  Unfortunately, I also had to hear my fiancé tell me about an amazing breakfast he indulged in courtesy of his work....villains!

Yesterday called to mind the moments I loved about growing up in the Catholic faith.  We may have our quarrels now but there are some things of which I will never lose sight.  One of them being the hymns that I have sang, played (violin, bells, piano, etc), listened and loved over the span of my life.  One of my all time favorite hymns is one that is titled the same at this posting.  This hymn also came to mind based on the tattoo my fiancé just got a little over a week ago, with one of the verses this hymn is loosely based on inscribed into his arm.  He knows it is a favorite of mine.

This hymn is based loosely on Psalm 91, from a collection of protection psalms, as well as, you guessed it, Isaiah 40:31.  The first verse of this hymn is:

You who dwell in the shelter of the Lord

Who abide in His shadow for Light,

Say to the Lord, "My refuge,

My rock, in whom I trust!"

 

Refrain:

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings

Bear you on the breath of dawn,

Make you to shine like the sun

And hold you in the palm of His hand.

 



To think that these words signify the protection that God has over you has always been inspiring to me.  I think I also love this verse because my grandmother loved it as well.  I remember this hymn as being one that I heard the introduction music and starting smiling from ear to ear.  Do you have any music that has that effect on you?  It doesn't have to be religious in nature, perhaps it is secular.

I know when my fiancé and I were just dating, it seemed as though every time I would walk him to his car to leave my family's home, Hunter Hayes, "Wanted" would come on.  We would get really quiet and tears would well up in our eyes as we said farewell until the next weekend.  And so our relationship went, from weekend to weekend, not a weekday passed without numerous texts or at least one lengthy phone call.  I remember the first time I went to Virginia to meet my fiancé.  On Saturday, we were driving around, just finishing lunch, and a Raschal Flatts song came on.  He began to cry quietly, until I realized and asked what was wrong.  "I am already dreading the fact you have to leave tomorrow."

Those are the songs that touch us.  I know I find it difficult to sing in church because it brings up so many emotions and conflicts within myself.  It makes me reflect on my life and how askew it has been and how hard I am trying to remain on the path, my path.  I still find comfort in the last stanza of the hymn, On Eagle's Wings:

For to His angels He's given a command
To guard you in all of your ways;
Upon their hands they will bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.

 

A reminder that no matter what faults I encounter or what I may do wrong, God is looking out for me and my well-being.  What more can anyone ask for?  I know, furthermore, that my fiancé, family and friends do the same every single day.  God puts people into our lives for a reason.  We may not see the reason now but someday, it will be very clear to us all.

Passing of Time

The sun is streaming into the windows, peeking its way into my world between the slated blinds.  I hear our little dog, Molly, crying for freedom from her crate and her bed.  I feel my fiance roll out of bed and begin to move within the apartment and start his day.  Meanwhile, I laze about, drifting in and out from the realm of sleep and dreams.

It is mornings like this that I enjoy so much.  I woke finally, after fighting sleep in my eyes, to find my fiance standing at the door, smiling at me.  I got up and made french toast and coffee.  Here we sit, discussing life and the day, our Molly lying lazily between us.  It makes me think about how we measure time.

Before clocks, time was tracked by the rising and falling of the sun.  Sun dials, then, helped keep a little bit of tracking of the hours.  Otherwise, the concept of hours and minutes is one we pressed upon the world.  Is it our need of structure that we impress our world into some intangible constraints?  But we have another way to define time.  That is the difference between the work week and the weekend.

At work this week, my coworker and I were discussing about missing school.  Why would we miss school? Because during school, you always knew there was another day off around the corner (of course, I missed school for the academics as well).  The summer or winter vacation would always be right around the corner, with periodic days off throughout the year.  Now, in the real world, I work everyday with the exception of Thanksgiving and Christmas and can take a week off a year.

But the week too is constructed by man.  Where did we get that there were seven days in the week?  Granted, I figure the answer would be by the tracking of the seasons and also by the history of seasonal celebrations.  It is simply an interesting thing to consider.

The seasons come and go but what remains standard is the love that exists between our friends and family.  Remember that nature can prove to be a source of inspiration and love in our lives.  But if we are in forever a rush, we miss what is the most beautiful in our world.  Stop and smell the roses.  Take time to take a stroll in nature.  Breathe in the air and focus on the freedom it releases.  Nature is at our core.  Try it.  It's a good way to reduce stress in a thing called, "La Vie."

www.hsmagazine.net

The Road For Which I am Meant

A few days ago, I wrote about a dream I had.  I described it in as much detail as I was able to remember.  I also shared what my fiancé, who has a calling to the ministry, thought the dream meant.  In case you have forgotten and do not want to look back on an old post, the gist of it was this: I had come across an insurmountable hill on my bicycle and started sliding backwards.  Suddenly, it felt as though a hand was pushing me, without any assistance from my own pedaling.  I found myself on top of a beautiful mountain, a place where no one else could ever reach.  My fiancé shared with me that he felt it was God's way of telling me that He would always help me overcome, no matter what lies in my wake.

Yesterday afternoon, while I was on my way home from work, I began to think about my faith, God and the seemingly insurmountable objects I had conquered.  And a specific time came to mind. 

I moved to Virginia on November 30th, 2012 and began work at my place place of employment on the 3rd of December, 2012.  This is officially my first time ever moving out of my parents' home (not counting college, naturally) and my first time ever living with a boyfriend.  Work was progressing nicely and I was getting positive feedback all around from co-workers and clients alike.  Approximately 2-3 weeks into my new job, something happened that scared me.  This is about mid-December.  I work alternating weeks.  One week, I will work 9-6 (early), next week, I will work 12- 9 (late), and I work every Wednesday late.  It was a week I was working the late shift and I was coming home.  I was on the phone with my then-boyfriend, now fiancé, talking about my day.  I was driving in the right lane.  Suddenly, out of no where, a deer came darting from left to right and a collision occurred.

The deer got away but I felt as though the breath was stolen from my chest.  My poor fiancé was on the phone, the line quiet, possibly only hearing the heavy breathing being exhaled from my tightened chest.  He began to panic, I heard the concern in his voice.  I pulled over, I got out, still on the phone, and I walked around my car. 

The damage seemed cosmetic.  It was still functioning, just not pretty.  I got home and fiancé came out and looked over the car.  The only thing left to prove the existence of the deer was the fur it left, caught in the buckled hood of my first car.  We took pictures, I wrote my insurance agent and the recovery process began.

As soon as I got the go ahead to take it into a shop, I did.  They immediately put me into a rental car, saying the car was illegal to drive with the broken headlight (the lamp itself was still operational).  A few days later, I was told my car was a total loss.  The repairs would be too much to warrant the repair.  It was more than cosmetic.  I now had about 5 days to find a replacement.

I was scared.  I was afraid.  I wasn't prepared to make such a purchase.  Could I afford it?  I had student loans, I was living in a new place, I had a farther commute.

I don't know what happened or how it happened, I think I put a post out on Facebook about my plight.  My middle sister (who works part-time at a dealership) calls me. "We have a car here that is really nice.  It was just put on the lot.  You need to look at it.  I will send you the paperwork."

I did all the paperwork.  She calls me back, "They are asking about a car loan.  Did you co-sign your boyfriend's car?  You need to call and talk to them."  So I did.  I explained that the car in the accident was not the car I had just signed on a loan for.  I had to help my boyfriend.  He would have done it for me.

That Saturday, we went to the dealership to discuss the car and what the price might be per month.  I was cringing.  I was so concerned I wouldn't be able to afford it.  But I needed a car.  Christmas was next week!  I walk in and my sister was sitting in the receptionist chair:

"I am so jealous of you!  Wait until you hear your car payment!"

There were gentlemen around her.  One of them looked up and said, "I got your car payment to under $200.  That includes every insurance you can have on a vehicle."

I was shocked.  Something I could afford.  Something that wouldn't break the bank.  And a car that felt like a luxury car to me.  OK, so the electric locks don't work on the driver's door.  And the CD player went ca-put.  But it drives. 

I was thinking yesterday about how God must have had a hand in that intervention.  I was in a dark hour of despair.  I don't recall muttering a prayer for help but I very well may have.  But irregardless, He was there when I needed it.

The situation was very odd.  My fiancé told me then I should have driven in the left lane.  I told him it came from the left so that would have resulted in more damage.  My mom tells me it was a force of hand, but that I am fortunate to have found such a great deal.  My dad thought I got a good vehicle for the circumstances.  The very next day, I was engaged. 

I won't ever fully understand why things happen as they do.  It isn't my place to understand the phenomenon in life.  But acknowledging the significance of that occurrence in my life is a big step for me.  It is admitting that whether I acknowledged Him or not, He never stopped looking out for me.  If I reflect further back, I can see it throughout my life.  I am a very trusting person, which has its place.  But I put myself in some dangerous situations.  However, I always overcame the obstacles.  That's why I can enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

All that Glitters...

It is a story that we all encounter at some point, either in our own experiences or through someone else.  That story of choosing between love and money.  A choice between a life that could be rife of poverty but full of love or a life filled with riches, yet devoid of Love.  A life of convenience or of dedication.  What would you choose?

It may seem simple.  You may consider that having money would far outweigh the need for Love.  That you can fill that void.  But you can't.  A void from Love is one that is never filled because Love is endless so the void, too, must be endless and bottomless.  This comes to mind today because yesterday evening, I had a conversation with a coworker of mine.  She illustrated this choice (although it is not at the point of love) between a younger man who has similar life experiences or an older man who offers her comfort.  She said her friends insisted it was an easy decision, one you shouldn't have to think about.  As she talked it through with me, I think she already knew her answer: Love.

In truth, I am not unlike her.  I, too, had decisions like this cross my path.  I was offered to fly around the world, to receive a living stipend, to be cared for.  I was told any work I missed would be compensated and paid for, plus shopping, fine dining and excellent accommodations.  And each time, I knew I was not the only woman in the man's life.  I was a companion, an escort of sorts, that he was seeking out.  A younger woman to stand by his side and on his arm, one with intellect, who can entertain witty conversation.  But it was empty...

It made me feel empty... 

No, I didn't go flying around the world, receive a stipend or otherwise conduct myself improperly in this circumstance.  I am a woman driven by Love.  I discovered this every time I encountered a situation where Love would not be sown into the relationship/courtship.  I would wonder why I wasn't enough, what I could do to become enough.  The truth was that those men didn't want Love.  They wanted a companion, someone they could buy, wine and dine and not owe any explanation to.  An easy way out.

My past experiences paint who I am today.  If I didn't not realize how much I run off Love, I would not be engaged to a man whose being runs off Love as well.  I would not be loving his son, his family, nor anyone else associated with him, if I did not discover this pivotal piece of information about myself.  The world cries and searching for the meaning of Life but perhaps we can only get clues.  This was a clue for me.

Reflect on your past and the experiences you have come from.  Perhaps, there is a clue to the meaning of your life within those painted walls of memories.  We build our lives as a mansion, the outside is perfect, gilded and glittering with success and decency.  But how is it furnished on this inside?  Is it furnished with Love, Faith, Hope, Trust and other values you desire to have?  Or is it unfurnished, waiting for the pieces to be put in.  Perhaps all that is there is a crooked picture hanging on the wall.  It is waiting.  Waiting for you to straighten it and look into the eyes of your experience.  Perhaps it is a mirror.

While you reflect on your experiences and what makes you, you, consider this.  No two people run on the same emotional stream.  This is why relationships can be difficult.  What drives me in some aspects of my life doesn't necessarily mean it does for my fiancé.  But you work on it.  You compromise.  You understand those differences and come to terms that maybe you won't get to cuddle all the time, for example.  But maybe that's what makes those times you do cuddle that much more sacred.  Until you stop by again, I hope you enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Reflections in a Rain Puddle

Today, the world continues to celebrate St. Patrick's Day here.  It is gloomy and rainy.  It causes me to want home-made potato soup and brown bread, like my mom makes.  Ah, to be there, in Ireland.

Yesterday, the world seemed to be crying with my fiancé and I as we had to drive the two and a half hours to take his son back.  Weekends are always so short when we have the extra bit of love in the house.  He is 5 and even though he may frustrate us, we adore him.  We don't ever want to let him go.  Sometimes it can be a struggle for me.  Having this charming young boy in our lives includes his mother being there also, my fiancé's first wife.  While I wish they can stay civil for the good of their son, it also makes me sad to witness.  The marriage was far over before I entered into my fiancé's life but still...

At first, I told my fiancé that if he ever saw an opprotunity to reconcile with his ex, I would encourage him to do so.  He looked at me as though I had three heads.

 "Why on earth would I want to do that?"

Why would I ask such a question?  I think, in my mind, I don't ever want to keep a family apart.  If there came a time when people might be able to reconcile, I encourage and want it to happen.  I grew up in a family where my parents had their arguements, yes, but they always reached a resolution.  I know my sisters and I always worried they would divorce.  It was a relatively new thing in society as we grew up and us as well as other kids feared it with a passion.  That was the kiss of death when you were told a family was divorcing.  As a result, I would never wish that upon anyone, for any reason whatsoever.

As time passed and the relationship grew, I saw there no evidence that the past marriage could ever be revived.  The things I lived through with my fiancé would make your blood run cold.  The things his son was exposed to and heard between them.  Being deprived of his son for so long....

This weekend and ever weekend we have to take his son back leads me to almost relive ever bad thing we have ever heard, witness or will in the future.  It makes me wonder how someone can call themselves a role model but lead their life so dangerously.  It is like wondering how people who live below the radar of the law continuously get away with the crimes they commit.  I won't ever know an answer.  All I can do, all we can do, is wait for the moment we will have to fight for his son.  And that day will come.

It is only a matter of time...

So, while the rain falls gently on the Earth, crying with my soul, I remain respectfully still.  The silence brings alive so much within me.  I can reflect on where I have been and where I am going.  I encourage you to do the same.  If you are in a custody situation, reflect on your behavior toward your child and your ex-spouse.  Have you been a less than ideal role model?  What is a role model to you?  Until next time, I hope you have a lovely day and enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."