The Dance of Courtship

Ah, courtship!  The dance of Love, passion and future.  I have often said to my peers that by large, the human species is the only one in which the women attracted the men.  Mind you, this doesn't mean that women do all the work, but they are the ones who primarily cause the attraction.  When I thought about this topic for today, I decided to look the information up, become better informed.  To my surprise, there are more species that have an evenness of roles in attraction across the Animal Kingdom.


Too often, we associate male birds, fish and other animals with putting on shows and brightly colored displays to attract a mate.  In the article I read this morning ("In the Animal Kingdom, a New Look at Female Beauty," The New York Times),  there are examples of animals in which the male does display colors or striking marks, but the female returns this display.  The brighter the females' markings, the more desirable the mate.  The first example of this is the Goby fish, in which the males approach a female and show off blue spots on their fins.  If the female is interested, it will back-flip, displaying the bright yellow spots on its belly.  The brighter the spots, the better the chance of courtship.

This was cause for pause.  Was it reflected in our society?  It seems that our first line of courtship is the colorful plumes of our females, the hair, make-up, clothing and everything else that goes into primping.  We parade in front of our male counterparts, hoping someone will approach us and talk to us.  We smile, play with our hair, make eye contact and flirtatiously look away.  But it isn't all one way.

Men, I am sure, primp extensively when they are out looking for the courtship of their life.  So while they are showing their colorful plumes, surely they are nervous about looking at ours.  While attractiveness is a crucial point of coming together as a couple, there are so many factors that cannot be accurately calculated by science.  As a higher level of society, we do not court simply for the need of impregnating and leaving.  We have, as far as I am able to tell, evolved beyond that point.  We have become a society of monogamy and feel the need to court, not only those who stimulate the loins, but who stimulate our intellect, our interests and our need for companionship.

To those women who are experiencing difficulty finding that man who want to court them or they keep meeting the "wrong" men, I was there.  I met too many of the wrong guys and constantly thought that was all I could have.  I was told in high school that I was a girl guys would marry, but would never date.  I am dead serious!  I was so confused.  How could you marry me but not date me?

Fast forward to today.  After years of online dating and months upon months of wasted relationships, of tearing myself down, convincing myself I don't deserve better, I found my companion.  But it took time.  I am lucky enough to find someone who embraces my intellect and my perspective of the world, who also supports me in all that I do.  This will happen for you too.  You have to consider that our society has been flooded with media images of the desirable girl.  But those girls don't last.  I finally understand what that boy in high school meant by what he said.  I am not someone for a few dates.  I am someone to settle down with.  And I am so happy I have found the man I will settle down with.

Don't give up on love.  Love will come when you least expect it.  When you don't see it, it might just be like a flower covered in snow.  Give it time, culture your garden and suddenly, it will bloom.  Until then, indulge in yourself, ladies and gents.  The more you know about yourself, the better you can present yourself and the stronger your relationships.  For now, enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

With Rings on Her Fingers

I am late today!  I have had a long day at work.  My hours were extended today to include a webinar for my position.  It was worth it.  Isn't it rewarding to say something like, "I had to go to work early today to dial into a webinar...in French!"

My body is weary but the mind is reeling.  On my way to work today, I stumbled across a radio broadcast that I could not, at first, discern the topic.  As the time passed, second by second, it came to light.  They had a woman on the phone who had been engaged 4 times!  Not only that, but she never married any of them!  AND....she was dating No. 5 and expecting to be asked.  What further ruffled the hosts and my feathers, as I am sure a few other listeners, was that the woman had never, EVER, given any ring back.  She kept them...

All of them!

Now, raise your hand if the person you are with would appreciate you holding on to a symbol of everlasting commitment from another person.  Anyone...

Anyone at all...

No?

Case in point.  I know my fiancé was not thrilled when we began out relationship to think that I had just keep sakes and cards from my exes.  I had never been engaged to anyone!  But I can also understand.  There are things that bothered me that he took care of, just as I did.  But that's respect.  Something I have a high quantity of, as does my fiancé.  For myself and for each other. 

Now, perhaps you can argue this woman (also named Laura, I am ashamed) has a great deal of self-respect and confidence.  I should say so because she said that unless this Guy No. 5 has something fantastic planned...she will say no!

Are we becoming desensitised to emotion and excitement?  Can you get a high from proposals?  I think this story shows just that.  We become so enraptured in the emotions and the nature of the event that sometimes, we lose sight of what that event truly means.  In each case, she said she concluded that these were not her ideal men.  But perhaps, they gave the ideal proposal?

This goes for everything.  We even take things for granted, to our loss.  The love you feel with your significant other?  Hold on to it, nurture it, tend to it.  If you don't, you could lose it quickly.  What is here today isn't guaranteed tomorrow.  Just like Life.  In an instant, everything precious you value could be ripped from your possession.  And what will you have left?  Will you have Love?  Respect?  Intellect?  Ideals?  Morals? 

Will you have Faith?

When I started on this journey, I wrote down a myriad of topics and ideas to write about.  But as time began to pass, I realized that I could draw more from what Life gives me.  Sure, in the beginning they were planned, carefully executed and I am sure I will draw from my list from time to time.  I will talk about books I read and things I hear.  However, who can beat talking about what you experience?

I hope you are enjoying my thoughts, whoever you may be.  Perhaps you have an idea you want me to discuss or divulge my thoughts on.  Please, let me know.  I am always willing to learn and share my perceptions.  Afterall...perception is reality.  Until tomorrow and hopefully not as late of an hour, I hope you enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Married, with a Boyfriend

Long past is the time of world-wind romances and sweeping people off their feet.  If you watch the news and listen to the radio with any sort of consistency, you will undoubtedly hear about cheating and infidelity.  What actor/actress was found in the arms of a person NOT their spouse today?  Perhaps it was arranged that way, an open relationship.  I cannot imagine what the people of yesteryear would say to the ongoings of our current generation.

Now, before you jump all over me for my title, let me explain myself.  Yes, it is a bold statement but no, I am not wanting nor ever want to cheat on my fiancé.  So before you go try to track him down and warn him of the imminent danger he is walking into, please allow me to elaborate.

So often, couples complain about how after they were married, the sizzle fizzled.  This is often a reason given that people seek other partners: to find the sizzle again.  It is too much work to rekindle that fire and so much easier to stoke it with a stranger.  But I want to keep my fire alive.  I want to be both married to my fiancé AND for him to be my boyfriend.

Make sense now?

Of course, this will never be easy.  We would forever be hounded by the pressures surrounding us.  But it is the glimmer in his eyes that tells me this is possible.  Am I always willing? No and neither is he.  However, I know we can still be playful with each other.  We leave notes for each other and try to kiss one another as often as possible.  We cuddle and talk.  Our good-byes in the morning are long and our welcome home in the evenings can't come fast enough.  This is what I desire.  To be able to come home, to a strong, stable, amazing man who can also enjoy playing, flirting and loving me like we just met yesterday.

It is not without its problems.  We are not perfect, by far!  But we realize that we need to communicate and try to work through things rather than shrug them off.  Take last night as an example.  I had previously asked that he open up to me about his thoughts and feelings.  I want to be his girlfriend and future wife.  However, when he did, the girlfriend in me came out instead of the loving wife.  The girlfriend lashed out, not understanding fully what he was talking about or confused as to what to do.  The wife would have looked at him lovingly and filed everything he said in the back of her mind to use at a later point in time.  I was able to bring the wife forward but it was not without bruising his feelings and Ego first. 

If you are reading this, my Love, for that I am truly sorry <3

No relationship is perfect, true.  But a relationship is what you make it.  It can be sizzle, fire and spark or it can be dull, lifeless and wanting.  You have to seek in the other person what you need to be fulfilled.  And reach a compromise.  These are things that you can never stop seeking, for fear of losing that fire.  To stop looking for the one you love is to stop fighting for the relationship.

I have amends to make for the girlfriend coming out when it should have been the wife.  I realize that.  However, I know that my love for my fiancé is deeper than any love I have felt previously.  And I will fight tooth and nail to stay his support.  For now, all I can do is wait for the end of the day, to come home to my fiancé and his son, who will be with us this weekend.  Until that moment, I have to try to enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Brick by Brick

Last night, my fiancé and I had just finished dinner and we were enjoying watching TV.  I told him I had sent him an email about a house I had seen online.  From there, we again commenced our quest to finding our future home.  We shared pictures, descriptions and appearances, concerns and excitement.  It was fun to think about of course, especially being two adults living in a 2 BR/1 BA apartment.

Come the morning following an evening such as this, my mind begins to wonder the various loopholes and traps that might be lying in our path.  We have to consider our finances, I tell him.  What about the down payment, the water, insurance, taxes?

In his cool, calm, collected way, he laughs over the phone and reassures me:

We will be okay.  We just have to pray and things will work out.

 

I drive to work thinking about how we are not even yet married and considering buying a home.  Are we putting the cart before the horse?  Or perhaps, are we building our home too fast?  Whenever you look at a home, do you ever think of how long the construction actually took?  Or do you just see a pretty façade and a few potential problems, a money pit or a dream come true?

 

I realized in a past job of mine how often we over look things.  I worked in the sign industry.  You read it right.  I watched sign being built, repaired, conceived, priced and sold.  I remember thinking that I had never thought about how every sign I saw needed to be made.  And made in a certain way!  Later in my job, I had to work in the vinyl department, cutting and laying vinyl for signs.  I learned quickly that you can do things in a certain order to get everything looking pristine or do them how you want and potentially end up with a less than uniform mess.

 

Considering that, are we building our home, our life too fast?  I suppose if we weren't considering the fundamentals of our life together, we would be.  We would be building a shell without having a firm foundation nor a way to fill the walls.  However, I am lucky that my fiancé and I share a lot of the fundamental morals that come into question during any relationship.  Sure we differ in some areas.  But we are two different people and that happens.  My favorite quote about marriage is:

 

Marriage is a perfect union entered into by two imperfect people.

 

So generally, we are similar.  We can say our foundation is poured.  We even have some of the frame work built.  We are experiencing living together, the division of responsibilities and discussions of the financial sorts.  And we are being cautious.  We discussed this morning about sitting down with all the numbers and complying what we think is possible.  This includes bills, loans, possible things in the future, financing of a home and other various items of our household.  So I think the framework is close to being done.

 

To fill a house, to make it a home, it has to be filled to the rafters, to the brim, with Love.  And that Love can come from a variety of different sources.  It should be Love for yourselves as individuals and as a couple, Love from your families and their support, as well as Love in the divine sense.  Whatever your belief system, I am sure you feel an embrace from the world sometimes.  It is time to embrace back.

 

No relationship is ever completely built.  My fiancé and I will be building our relationship until the end of our days (God willing).  And even then, I am sure, if you could ask us if our relationship was completely, I feel we would still tell you it needs work.  This is due to the fact that relationships are not slapped together and left to stand the test of time.  They are a work of art that constantly needs to be updated, perfected and improved upon.  Perhaps one day, I will need to work less and spend more time at home.  Perhaps one day, we will have to work more to have a home.  But it is those intricacies, the salient motion of relationships that not only make it more difficult to maintain, but more rewarding as well. 

 

So as I take you on the journey of building my relationship brick by brick, I hope you enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."



Always Open with an Introduction...

When I edited papers in college, I always stressed the importance of an introduction.  Well, although not a formal paper, an introduction simply must come first.

My name is Laura.  I am 24 years of age and currently reside in Virginia.  I am engaged to a dashing young man, to whom I am a spring chicken.  We are planning our nuptials for October and I am wrapped up in the combination of work, play, plan and sleep.

But I am beginning to learn more and more about, not only my fiancé, but myself as well.  I think the biggest hurdle I have had to overcome is my roots.

My background is Catholic.  My fiancé's background is Baptist.  I love him nonetheless.  But this created an interesting scenario when we starting talking about our nuptials.  Where would they be?  What course do we take?  This is further complicated but the fact that my dearest love is a divorcé.  The requirements for good standing within the Catholic church is that he get an annulment.  So we look for answers...

And look....

                 And look.....

                                                           And look some more....

Truth of the matter is that no one would talk to us.  We wanted information and knowledge is suppose to be free, yes?  In this case, I had just moved to where I am currently so my old parish priest would not speak to me as I was not a part of the parish (even though I was still registered there).  A local parish priest would not speak with me because I was not registered there (even though all I wanted was to have an open conversation between him, myself and my fiancé).

I was confused.  I had always, in my life as a Catholic, been told that the church was a place you could turn to in times of trouble, heartache and need.  I expressed this to the local priest.  I told him that the church should be a safe haven, where lost souls and wandering people should be welcomed.  I was never told my acquiring knowledge would be on a conditional basis.  I was perplexed.

That Sunday, despite the arguments and tension this was creating in our relationship, my fiancé agreed to go with me to Mass.  I knew this was not something he wanted to do, but was doing out of respect for me.  How fitting we attended, as the priest spoke directly to what I had emailed him about.

            "If you are Catholic, you must be in Communion with a church.  You cannot seek answers without being in Communion with a church."

 

....I felt violated.  Now, I realize pastors, priests and clergymen draw their sermon inspiration from reality and can come to terms with that.  Go ahead.  Use my example.  I felt violated because everything I had understood and been taught about my beloved Catholicism had been turned on its head.

 

I dared to approach the priest after Mass with my fiancé begrudgingly behind me.  The priest opened by saying he can't help me, I am not a member of the church.  He wouldn't even sit down with me and discuss the case until I signed a form (that he conveniently did not have with him).  He wouldn't even look at my fiancé, who would be the one to have to file for the annulment.  I was mortified.  He grimaced when my fiancé disclosed his religious background.  I believe he felt as though he was trying to fight for my immortal soul, as he saw I would be lost upon marrying this man.

 

When we left, I cried.....

 

                                                I cried for my disillusionment that I had been subjected to all these years.  Nothing more then self-inflicted, I tell myself.  I guess I have not been studying enough or understood Catechism enough.  I apologized profusely to my fiancé, tears falling onto my clothing, my Sunday best that I felt was tarnished to wear.  Through our struggle, we went to the church we had been attending together.  There, I succumbed to tears again.  I felt my fiancé embrace me and a loving member of our church family hold us together.  I felt lost...to a point, I still do...

 

What does one do when everything you believe has been seemingly torn from you? Some say this is the best time to turn to God.  And I try to, everyday.  That day, at our second service, we stopped the pastor there and my fiancé asked about my dilemma, the reason behind my somber face and wet eyes.  He looked at us and said, "You have the follow the path that you think is reality.  Do you think you can only go to Heaven if you marry in the Catholic church?  (To my fiancé) If she does, then you have to decide whether you can respect that or not." With that, we decided to wed, regardless of the teachings.  My love for him is greater than any religion can define.

 

However, I had thrown a wrench in my relationship.  I had caused flashbacks, blackouts, tears, arguments and disagreements.  Me....all me.  All my fault.

 

That night, I felt a weight on my shoulders that I don't think I have figured out how to lift yet.  It weighs me down, causes me tears and not the unboundless joy for which I am so well-known.  This weight should be effortless but my doubt causes it to be heavy.  It is my Faith.  I trust and know God is there, but I can't understand what His role is.  It confuses me.

 

A friend of mine, Meg, had given me information about a woman by the name of Angela Faddis.  She was a young mother of two who was undergoing treatment for Stage IV colon cancer.  This was sudden and truly tested the bounds of the words, "In sickness and in health" words I will soon say and hold near my heart as well.  I followed her, her husband's and her family's story nearly daily, until her death on September 21, 2012.  The motto on that page I kept reading was "+Jesus, I Trust in You+". A motto I hope to openly and fearlessly adopt. One quote of hers that I found is that:

 

"I want people to know that no matter what, they must trust in Jesus."

 



Perhaps I will elaborate more on Trust tomorrow or the next time I write.  I have exhausted the space and, surely, you, the reader, as exhausted as well.  I hope this blog to be a way to think about how I see life, how life happen, how "La Vie" happen.