Birthday Wishes on Butterfly Wings

What has happened to me??  I know, I have been MIA for several days.  It has been a crazy few days, too!

My blooming tulips

Friday, we got my fiance's son for the weekend.  I got home around 7 and immediately went to making dinner and talking and entertaining the five year old.  He is very sweet but was a complete handful this weekend!  The most difficult ever!

Saturday, all three of us went to where my fiance graduated from high school with his sister and her two daughters.  All six of us were invincible, conquering arguments and hiking around a festival, saying "no" and "yes," backing each other up all the way.  We went to lunch shortly thereafter and then, visiting other family members.  We got back late that night and we all went straight to bed.

Cards and rhubarb tart!

Yesterday, Sunday, was my birthday!  Quarter of a century old, there was a packed day ahead of us.  Unbeknownst to us is exactly how long it would extend.  We took my fiance's son back by noon.  While there, my fiance took a tumble.  His ankle become swollen and he was in pain.  He bit his bottom lip, knowing my family was coming for dinner.  We drove back home (he drove) and he propped his foot up with ice while I did laundry.  My family came and brought strawberry-rhubarb pie (I LOVE rhubarb!  Try cooking with it, it is awesome!), presents and tons of well-wishes.

When we bid them adieu (much to our puppy's displeasure), Ryan admitted to me that he was in a lot of pain.  He asked to be taken to the Emergency Room.  What else was I to do but oblige?  I drove him to the hospital, helped him into the waiting room, where we awaited Triage and a bed.  His blood pressure was sky high as well as his pain tolerance.  When we finally got a bed, I helped to take his shoe off.

The doctor walked in.  He kind of stooped a little when he walked, had a beard and tired eyes.  He expressed he was already on his 6th cup of coffee and there since Friday.  Probably working a 72-hour, I told my fiance.  The doctor joked with us, trying to be good natured and make light of the situation.  Once my fiance got back from X-ray, he expressed that he was becoming annoyed by the jokes.  I also had been joking with him.  This launched us into a conversation about making light of the scenario.

I admire those men and women who work in a field such as medicine or law enforcement or any of the fields that are very serious and grave situations.  I can appreciate someone trying to have a sense of humor in the setting as well.  I love to joke when I am not feeling well.  I would rather bring smiles to a room and make myself feel better, than sit in silence while a busy room passes around me.  If I am not smiling in a situation like that, I feel as though everyone else is going at the speed of light and I am left behind.  I try and bring my fiance a smile every day, my family a smile every chance I can.  I try to smile every chance I can as well.

The butterfly

Friday night when I got home, I was welcomed with a kiss and two hugs, a bouquet of mixed-color tulips and a butterfly necklace.  Now, I stand in my kitchen and the tulips are blooming and perfuming the room.  My birthday wishes still linger in the air, the last bars from "Happy Birthday" echo in the apartment.  I saw my fiance off in his air cast and crutches, teaching him as much as I learned when I was on crutches a few years ago.  Sitting here now, enjoying some corn muffins and coffee before work, I reflect on the reasoning I was given the butterfly necklace by my fiance.

"It is said that when a dream is coming true, someone will see a butterfly crossing their path.  Well, honey, you are my dream come true."

The Salt and the Light

While on my way to work one day this week, I heard this song by Rhett Walker Band come on the radio.  Now, I have never been a big one for Christian music.  My family never really listened to it at home and I tried to avoid it outside of the home.  The only time I really had to listen to it was because I went to Oneighty with a friend of mine in middle school.  It was a setting where kids in the community could go to have fun and then hear an "obligatory word of God" for the last hour of the night.  On Fridays, they had 5th Quarter, where students can come after football games and hang out.

I respected everyone's views being different but the struggle came from my views not being respected.  Again, I was raised Catholic.  Catholicism has always been something that, when I bring it up, it is frowned upon.  Mind you, my fiance's different background was frowned upon when we spoke with a priest as well.

Over the last few days, both the words of this song and an experience at World Youth Day in Canada has caused me to think.  The lyrics of the song strongly reflect feelings I have experienced for a long time in my life.  That of pride, of knowing what is best in my life:

                                       V1: I'm torn between myself and your truth

These cursed memories, forever seeping through

My thirst for myself left me wanting more

Till I found myself face down on your shore

Chorus

V2: My restless heart, led me astray

To my selfish pride I became my own slave

But you placed a thirst in me with no drink in sight

'Cause I could not see till I saw through your eyes

These lyrics paint the experience, the path I walked down for many years.  The confusion I faced and tried to overcome, the feeling of being lost and alone.  This song, the chorus (which is not included in the above lyrics), is trying to illustrate the meaninglessness of worrying, to lay burdens down and trust all will be well.  Won't my fiance be happy to read this, as it is something he has been preaching to me for the entirety of our relationship?

I mentioned World Youth Day.  This is an event for the Catholic youth.  Youth from all over the world come to a selected city and celebrate Mass together, make friends together, share experiences together and live together.  I remember myself and a friend of mine were suppose to be too young to attend, but we were given special permission by our parish priest.  What a week it was!  We slept in a school, with groups from 

Trinidad across from the girls room I was in.  We shared meals together with other groups from all over the nation and world.  The last night we were there, we were sleeping outside in anticipation of hearing the then Pope John Paul II speak and hold mass the net day.  We slept in boxes, talked with our peers and walked around.  The next morning, it was rainy, the boxes disintegrating under the weight of the water.  Suddenly, it stopped when the Pope came to the stage/altar.

The message of this trip was Matthew 5:13-14, "You are the salt of the earth....you are the light of the world."  I remember hearing animated stories about this and what it means.  I remember attending a Mass where the priest said, "A radical Christian is a salty Christian!"  The verses, in their entirety (Matthew 5: 13-16) are this:

¹³ “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.

¹⁴ “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵ Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. ¹⁶ In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

We carry the weight of our faiths on our shoulders.  We alone as responsible for it thriving and growing.  We have to provide the flavor of the world and the light all around.  Even if not in solely a religious ideology, we should be a light, a beacon to those who need help, support and love.  Perhaps you have needed that in the past and felt yourself gravitate to someone who was a stranger to you.  Perhaps you found yourself telling a stranger your life story, not really knowing what prompted you.  And perhaps, because of this serendipity, you felt all the better.

Yes, I have had incidences and experiences in my life that are far from favorable.  But I also have points in time that I should celebrate.  I have experienced now that should be celebrated.  I know I need to stop fretting and worrying, stressing and carrying things I have no control over.  Maybe you need to reflect this as well.  Remember, a thing called, "La Vie" comes and passes so quickly that it can be gone in a blink of an eye.  Try to not let it pass without enjoying it.

Running and Chasing Shadows

When I was a child, I remember playing a game with my shadows.  I would either try to avoid stepping on my shadow or try hiding in my shadow.  I would run from my shadow and try to catch my shadow.  I would stand in my Mom or Dad's shadows.  I was amazed by shadows, how they changed, how they moved with me.  Peter Pan fell into line, when he lost his shadow.  I remember watching the sun change and the shadows grow longer, my shadow riding beside me on its shadow bicycle.  Those are the shadows I played with.

But there are shadows in life that we all have that we do not want to confront.  These are the shadows we either run from or chase away.  They could be things we have seen, experienced or fought from the past.  Unfortunately, as they have helped shape who we are as people, we carry them into the present and will carry them into the future.  How do we face these things?

I have many shadows in my past that I wish I could erase.  I regret things I passed up in life and I regret choices I have made.  I know we aren't suppose to regret life (it's true, life is way too short!), but believe me, it is difficult to overlook.  I can't ignore the bad relationships I have been in.  They helped me realize what it means to be in a good relationship.  I can't ignore the opportunities I have passed up in my life because it reinforces that you have to take chances.  So how do I face these things in the past without letting it ruin my future?

Being open.

Too commonly, we hide in our shadows or simply, hide our shadows.  But hiding the shadows or hiding in them does not give us consolation.  It exacerbates the problem.  If we live in a dark place in life, how can we love how far we have come?  I face my shadows through my relationship.  My fiance has been monumental in helping me come to terms with what I have faced in my past.  The abuse, the self-esteem problems I have developed.  One of the biggest shadows, my shadow Boogieman, if you will, is that I have had peers tell me I would be better off to kill myself.

I have been teased, taunted and tortured.  But with the help of my family and friends, my fiance and through this blog, I am able to face my shadows and be open with what I have experienced.  What is your outlet?  Do you vent when you feel a shadow pulling you into its darkness?  You have to consider that these shadows are like living Depression, following you around.  It can catch your ankles and pull you into its overcast, not leaving any desire to play in the shadows as you did as a child.  But if we can take command of the shadows, we can better explore them when we have to be pulled into them.

As seen below, nothing is ever as it appears.  What may appear one way in the daylight is something completely different in moonlight.  But sometimes, moonlight is the only way to face what we don't want to face.  Moonlight casts a light on things that we can't deny.  Be it by moonlight or daylight, sunlight or rooted in darkness, don't run from your shadows.  Ask to take someone's hand and jump into them.  Only then can they cease having power over us.

Increasing your Vision: A Growth of Self

What is your eyesight like?  Do you have to wear glasses?  What about contact lenses?  Do you ever struggle to see at night or when walking into the bright daylight from a dimly lit corridor?  Are you reflecting on your sight or vision?

When I looked "Vision" up in the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary, several types of definitions came up. Interestingly enough, the first two definitions do not relate at all to the sense.  They define to vision as, "something seen in a dream, trance or ecstasy," or, "the act or power of imagination."  So not only is vision related to the sense of sight, but also can be something that is not really there but imagined.

Today, in church, our pastor began to speak about this very topic (thus why I am writing about it now).  The sermon was entitled, "How is your vision?"  The overall point of his sermon was that you cannot reach a point in life without knowing where that point falls.  The next question may be how is that point determined?  I guess that depends entirely on how your Vision is.

In other words, you have to set your goals of growth in life, because no one will do it for you.  And once you achieve the first goals, you must set yourself higher goals.  Without somewhere to go in life, how can we propel forward?  Take, for example, a student who is graduating high school.  Perhaps they have set a goal to complete college.  In college, there are several sub-goals: passing courses, tests, the long nights of studying.  On that day when they walk across the stage, that goal is achieved.  They now have to decide what their next goal is.

Perhaps they will decide that they have had enough school and they want to go into the workplace.  Perhaps they want to further their education and go onto a Master's program.  We cannot move forward in life without knowing where we have come from and, more importantly, where we are going.  Certainly, sometimes we struggle to determine what path we should go down.  Especially in our youth, that is to be expected.  It is a part of learning what our Vision is.

Like everything in life, Vision of life, growth and future is something that is ever changing and ever evolving.  Today, my Vision for my life is much different from when I was in, say, 3rd grade!  Especially when, in 3rd grade, I was planning on becoming a nun.  But that is the beauty of childhood and having supportive adults to surround those children.  Children, you see, have very blurry Vision.  They daydream and change constantly what they "want to be when they grow up."  The beauty of this is they are free to explore the possibilities while the adults can help wrangle those energies in.

We all play a crucial part in one another's Visions.  We must all support one another because we cannot reach our Visions by ourselves.  Many pitfalls befall across our paths.  However, with Faith and the people around us supporting who we are and where we are going, we can never fall short of our goals or our Visions.  Afterall, we set our Visions and goals, but we all need help to achieve them.

Slow to Anger, Quick to Forgive

We all get mad at other people, right?  We all get angry with ourselves and each other.  That is just human nature.  I think the thing we all forget is how to deal with this anger and, if nothing else, how to argue.  That's right, there are different argument styles.

No one wants to argue.  OK, I admit there are people in the world who seem to take great pleasure in antagonising others.  But typically, no one enjoys arguing.  I am such a push-over when it comes to arguments.  I can't stand it when someone is mad at me.  Plus, arguing makes me feel bad both mentally and emotionally.  Who wants to feel that way?

For the longest time, I thought that if you argue in a relationship, the relationship is over.  I would appease the person I was seeing in order to prevent an argument.  Meanwhile, my happiness was draining from my body.  I have no joy in life.  I didn't even feel like I had the privilege of asking to do something I wanted to do.  I was scared.  Scared to have an opinion or, at least, a different one.

Fortunately, I am not lack of opinion in my current relationship.  We may butt heads, but it so nice to be able to disagree and come to accept that in one another.  Our arguments don't last long (like I said, I hate to fight!) and when we do argue, I try to argue the best way possible.

The difference?  When a lot of people argue, they blame.  YOU did this and YOU did that and it's YOUR fault.  In those short phrases, you have quickly taken all of the heat off of yourself and placed it upon someone else.  I read recently that no one can "make" you mad.  Only you can do that.  So, if this is the pattern of thought we follow, how can someone else be to blame?

Instead, try "I" statements.  This is what I try to do in an argument, no matter who I disagree with.  "I feel" or "I think" even "I want."  By using "I", you are establishing partial fault.  Ever hear that lovely phrase, "When you point at someone, three fingers are pointing back at you?"  This is especially true in arguing.  We can throw "yous" all over the place!  But where does it get any of us?  Certainly not to resolution!

This applies even in a heated conversation.  Last night, my fiancé and I were talking about an article and we were on opposite sides of the fence.  I admit, I was wrong in my approach several times.  I used "you" when I was trying to find out more information about my fiancé's feelings on the subject.  Instead of saying, "Why do you feel like that?" (seems harmless, I know), I probably should have said, "I would like to know how you come to that conclusion."  It doesn't come across as accusatory or offensive.  Mind you, I don't think I raised my voice (I hope not), but sometimes the tone doesn't matter.  Our words are weapons that often times, we don't use correctly and wield too quickly.  But once a word is uttered, it is there.  Never to be revoked.

Within five minutes of this conversation, I was hugging my fiancé, reconciling with him.  I tell him I am the best person to argue with because I never want to stay mad.  I am too affectionate of a person.  But you have to discover what works for you.  Maybe you need to walk away and leave the issue alone.  Sometimes, I need to do that.  Sometimes you may need to go to bed angry.  You would be amazed how differently the situation looks in the morning.  But try always to be slow to anger and quick to forgive.  Remember that burned bridges take years to rebuild.  That is time better spent celebrating together.

For my fiancé, if you are reading this tonight, or any night, I am sorry for our argument.  I don't ever wish to live in a place of anger or malcontents with you.  I was wrong in my approach.  I love you with my heart and my being.  Remember that whatever we encounter, I will be the first to embrace you.

Forever a Journey

A path we walk can either be well-lit or need a latern.

I had such an enjoyable weekend!  Making friends is not left to just little kids.  My fiancé and I had invited a couple over who has a little boy not much younger than my soon-to-be stepson.  Kind of cool to say...stepson!  Anyways, we had a blast talking and laughing at our little boys interacting.  My cheeks thoroughly ached from all the fits of laughter I flew into.  Afterall, what is better than the sound of laughter?

I am so very glad I started this blog.  It is so renewing for me.  I get to explore the world as I see it, not restricted or censored in any manner.  My fiancé has told me he admires the way I write.  This past week, he commented that with the way I write, I should write a book.

"But I don't know what I would write about," I exclaimed.

"Write what you are writing now.  Make a collection and call it, 'Inspirations,'" he encouraged.

This made me think.  Dangerous thing, I know. What I have come to realize is this: I love writing.  I always have loved writing.  I use to write practice essays when home from school on made up topics.  I also use to make up my own math problems.  That is another issue entirely.

I meditated on this for a long time.  What would I write?  What did I have to say?  Would anyone want to read it?  I decided what I suppose a lot of writers ultimately decide.  If I am going to write anything, I should write something I would read or what I enjoy reading.  My whole purpose behind this blog is to communicate my experiences and what I have gone through.  To express myself and my point of view.  There has been two aspects in my life that have been crucial in building my point of view and my world: books and music.

How can I merge this with my writing?  Do they even merge?  I had thought about taking selected pieces of my blog out and elaborating on it.  Then it came to me.  I can present different pieces of music I love, different quotes from plays, movies, the Bible or poetry and connect it to a life experience to indulge upon.  I already began writing a list.  A lot of them come from my years in the Lenoir-Rhyne A Cappella Choir.

When I say "Forever a Journey," I do mean forever.  My journey with my fiancé who will become my husband in October.  My journey with my family, his family and, someday, our family.  My journey with my friends.  My journey with my career and my life choices, both those in the past, present and future.  Always remembering that what we do and have done does not define who we are.  It only helps make us who we can be.

A Mass Departure into a New Beginning

Exodus, n.-

1 capitalized: The mainly narrative second book of canonical Jewish and Christian Scripture
2: A mass departure: emigration

Parting of the Red Sea, as depicted in Prince of Egypt.

One of my favorite books in the Bible is Exodus.  The first definition lays reason for this, as it is almost purely narrative telling of the Jews plight in Egypt and how Moses was able to lead them out to the Promise Land.  As a younger child, I was entranced by the idea of the hardships these people encountered, as well as the might of God as he helped Moses guide them from Egypt.  It is a fascination that has been with my my entire life as I have constantly loved reading and researching about the ancient Egyptians.  I thoroughly enjoyed the fact that in modern times, Prince of Egypt was released, a cartoon rendition of the story from Exodus.  The songs are haunting and beautiful.  If you have not seen this, I strongly recommend the movie.

Why am I writing about this, you may be asking.  Last Sunday, on Easter, the assistance pastor of the church my fiance and I attend spoke on how when the Hebrews went into the desert, fleeing from the Land of Egypt, they began to complain that they would be much happier for the leeks and garlic of Egypt.  I have been pondering this sermon for the whole of the week.  I decided to seek out the verse myself and found this:

2 Here in the desert the whole Israelite community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. 3 The Israelites said to them, "Would that we had died at the LORD's hand in the land of Egypt, as we sat by our fleshpots and ate our fill of bread! But you had to lead us into this desert to make the whole community die of famine!"

Exodus 16: 2-4,  New American Bible,  Catholic Word Press

A "fleshpot" as defined by bible-history.com is taken to mean "One of the six kinds of cooking utensils spoken of as pots or pans or cauldrons or basins. Probably usually made of bronze or earthenware."  You may be thinking about this and, knowing what Moses had gone through to allow their freedom and the scourges that were prevented from falling on their heads (mainly the Plagues), why on Earth would these people grumble to such extent?

This was the base of the sermon on Easter and how the Lord will provide.  But how can someone not help but grumble and complain when they are so uncertain of their future?  Consider this: In Egypt, the Israelites knew hour by hour, day by day what would happen.  Once they left that world, they did not know what would become of them.  This, for anyone, is a scary situation to be in!  They have been taken from their beds, their pots, packing unleavened bread, and leaving all that they knew for all that they didn't.

In the sermon, there was also reference to how, while Moses was on the mountain, receiving the Ten Commandments, how a golden calf was constructed.  The assistance pastor commented that this was because this is all that the Israelites recognized as god.  They were associating what they had learned from Egypt and creating what they considered would be God to worship.  In truth, we know why Moses had come down from the mountain and, seeing this, became angered.  However, it can no more be attributed to their lack of knowledge as to who God really is.

Up until this time, man would see a miracle and make that miracle a god.  These gods ranges from the elements to animals to other human beings.  If we do not know who God is or what He is, how else could they color Him?  The pursuit of God and Faith is rife with these incidents.  As we know, God was good to the Israelites and blessed them, despite their doubt and distrust in Him.

So often, we become comfortable in our surroundings that when we are taken from them, we begin to long for the world that we know was bad for us.  We do not trust the plan that is in place for us.  When we leave a world, a life that we know, we fear what we do not.  I have been fortunate to never had gotten into drugs or alcohol to the point of addiction, but this can be especially true for addicts.  They cannot remember a world void of the substance which has, in effect, became a god.  To leave that world can be scary and daunting for them.

I just thought this was a beautiful picture, perfect for the idea of this post.

Fear not the world you come into.  Fear the one you leave.  Often times, the comforts of what we have known become our biggest pitfalls into old habits.  This is why support systems in our lives are so important to kicking any addiction, be it of a substance, of the flesh, of ill living or anything else that is preventing us from living fully.  You may not want to turn to the one I know as God.  But even to leave those dark corridors of your life, you need motivation and support.  I invite everyone to reflect on their habits and life.  Even I constantly must reflect on the life I lead.  Together, we can build a community to help one another overcome the obstacles laying in our paths.  We all stand on the precipice of life and on the edge of a great cliff.  Together, we can survive the things that may cause us to tumble into the valley below.

On Eagle's Wings

Picture of my fiancé's tattoo

Oh man, to have to get up this morning and drag myself to work.  Fortunately, I am working the late shift...unfortunately, I am working the late shift.  Unfortunately, I also had to hear my fiancé tell me about an amazing breakfast he indulged in courtesy of his work....villains!

Yesterday called to mind the moments I loved about growing up in the Catholic faith.  We may have our quarrels now but there are some things of which I will never lose sight.  One of them being the hymns that I have sang, played (violin, bells, piano, etc), listened and loved over the span of my life.  One of my all time favorite hymns is one that is titled the same at this posting.  This hymn also came to mind based on the tattoo my fiancé just got a little over a week ago, with one of the verses this hymn is loosely based on inscribed into his arm.  He knows it is a favorite of mine.

This hymn is based loosely on Psalm 91, from a collection of protection psalms, as well as, you guessed it, Isaiah 40:31.  The first verse of this hymn is:

You who dwell in the shelter of the Lord

Who abide in His shadow for Light,

Say to the Lord, "My refuge,

My rock, in whom I trust!"

 

Refrain:

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings

Bear you on the breath of dawn,

Make you to shine like the sun

And hold you in the palm of His hand.

 



To think that these words signify the protection that God has over you has always been inspiring to me.  I think I also love this verse because my grandmother loved it as well.  I remember this hymn as being one that I heard the introduction music and starting smiling from ear to ear.  Do you have any music that has that effect on you?  It doesn't have to be religious in nature, perhaps it is secular.

I know when my fiancé and I were just dating, it seemed as though every time I would walk him to his car to leave my family's home, Hunter Hayes, "Wanted" would come on.  We would get really quiet and tears would well up in our eyes as we said farewell until the next weekend.  And so our relationship went, from weekend to weekend, not a weekday passed without numerous texts or at least one lengthy phone call.  I remember the first time I went to Virginia to meet my fiancé.  On Saturday, we were driving around, just finishing lunch, and a Raschal Flatts song came on.  He began to cry quietly, until I realized and asked what was wrong.  "I am already dreading the fact you have to leave tomorrow."

Those are the songs that touch us.  I know I find it difficult to sing in church because it brings up so many emotions and conflicts within myself.  It makes me reflect on my life and how askew it has been and how hard I am trying to remain on the path, my path.  I still find comfort in the last stanza of the hymn, On Eagle's Wings:

For to His angels He's given a command
To guard you in all of your ways;
Upon their hands they will bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.

 

A reminder that no matter what faults I encounter or what I may do wrong, God is looking out for me and my well-being.  What more can anyone ask for?  I know, furthermore, that my fiancé, family and friends do the same every single day.  God puts people into our lives for a reason.  We may not see the reason now but someday, it will be very clear to us all.

From Passion to Resurrection

Today is Good Friday, vendredi saint, and a solemn feast day for those in the Christian world.  In Roman Catholicism, I would be expect to fast, refrain from eating meat or have a complete fast and not eat at all.  But not only are our bodies bare, but the Church usually is to.

If you have ever been inside a Catholic church, you know they can be ornate settings, draped in cloth, gold and coverings.  But walk into one today.  If it is anything like the church I grew up in, the altar will be bare.  Crosses may be removed or, in the case of a large crucifix that cannot be physically removed, the face of Jesus will be covered in cloth.  It is a dark time in the church.  Services as limited to the Passion, the Stations of the Cross.  Light and bells are not flooded into the Church.  The Easter Vigil begins late on Holy Saturday completely in darkness.  Candles are the only thing we come into the church with.  It is when the light has left the world.  Suddenly, His resurrection!  Gloria is sung, the lights come on and we all start singing.

Today is somber to celebrate the joy for Sunday.  Easter is more than candy, bunnies, eggs and big dinners.  It's about family, love, celebrating the Light of the World coming back.  Even if you don't recognize Christianity, is there any better thing to celebrate than family?  Togetherness?  The light?

It's Spring but you would hardly recognize it here.  Who knows?  Perhaps Easter, when the Light comes flooding back into church, will mark the beginning of Light warming up the Earth.

Have a Happy Weekend...er...Hoppy Weekend!

The Road For Which I am Meant

A few days ago, I wrote about a dream I had.  I described it in as much detail as I was able to remember.  I also shared what my fiancé, who has a calling to the ministry, thought the dream meant.  In case you have forgotten and do not want to look back on an old post, the gist of it was this: I had come across an insurmountable hill on my bicycle and started sliding backwards.  Suddenly, it felt as though a hand was pushing me, without any assistance from my own pedaling.  I found myself on top of a beautiful mountain, a place where no one else could ever reach.  My fiancé shared with me that he felt it was God's way of telling me that He would always help me overcome, no matter what lies in my wake.

Yesterday afternoon, while I was on my way home from work, I began to think about my faith, God and the seemingly insurmountable objects I had conquered.  And a specific time came to mind. 

I moved to Virginia on November 30th, 2012 and began work at my place place of employment on the 3rd of December, 2012.  This is officially my first time ever moving out of my parents' home (not counting college, naturally) and my first time ever living with a boyfriend.  Work was progressing nicely and I was getting positive feedback all around from co-workers and clients alike.  Approximately 2-3 weeks into my new job, something happened that scared me.  This is about mid-December.  I work alternating weeks.  One week, I will work 9-6 (early), next week, I will work 12- 9 (late), and I work every Wednesday late.  It was a week I was working the late shift and I was coming home.  I was on the phone with my then-boyfriend, now fiancé, talking about my day.  I was driving in the right lane.  Suddenly, out of no where, a deer came darting from left to right and a collision occurred.

The deer got away but I felt as though the breath was stolen from my chest.  My poor fiancé was on the phone, the line quiet, possibly only hearing the heavy breathing being exhaled from my tightened chest.  He began to panic, I heard the concern in his voice.  I pulled over, I got out, still on the phone, and I walked around my car. 

The damage seemed cosmetic.  It was still functioning, just not pretty.  I got home and fiancé came out and looked over the car.  The only thing left to prove the existence of the deer was the fur it left, caught in the buckled hood of my first car.  We took pictures, I wrote my insurance agent and the recovery process began.

As soon as I got the go ahead to take it into a shop, I did.  They immediately put me into a rental car, saying the car was illegal to drive with the broken headlight (the lamp itself was still operational).  A few days later, I was told my car was a total loss.  The repairs would be too much to warrant the repair.  It was more than cosmetic.  I now had about 5 days to find a replacement.

I was scared.  I was afraid.  I wasn't prepared to make such a purchase.  Could I afford it?  I had student loans, I was living in a new place, I had a farther commute.

I don't know what happened or how it happened, I think I put a post out on Facebook about my plight.  My middle sister (who works part-time at a dealership) calls me. "We have a car here that is really nice.  It was just put on the lot.  You need to look at it.  I will send you the paperwork."

I did all the paperwork.  She calls me back, "They are asking about a car loan.  Did you co-sign your boyfriend's car?  You need to call and talk to them."  So I did.  I explained that the car in the accident was not the car I had just signed on a loan for.  I had to help my boyfriend.  He would have done it for me.

That Saturday, we went to the dealership to discuss the car and what the price might be per month.  I was cringing.  I was so concerned I wouldn't be able to afford it.  But I needed a car.  Christmas was next week!  I walk in and my sister was sitting in the receptionist chair:

"I am so jealous of you!  Wait until you hear your car payment!"

There were gentlemen around her.  One of them looked up and said, "I got your car payment to under $200.  That includes every insurance you can have on a vehicle."

I was shocked.  Something I could afford.  Something that wouldn't break the bank.  And a car that felt like a luxury car to me.  OK, so the electric locks don't work on the driver's door.  And the CD player went ca-put.  But it drives. 

I was thinking yesterday about how God must have had a hand in that intervention.  I was in a dark hour of despair.  I don't recall muttering a prayer for help but I very well may have.  But irregardless, He was there when I needed it.

The situation was very odd.  My fiancé told me then I should have driven in the left lane.  I told him it came from the left so that would have resulted in more damage.  My mom tells me it was a force of hand, but that I am fortunate to have found such a great deal.  My dad thought I got a good vehicle for the circumstances.  The very next day, I was engaged. 

I won't ever fully understand why things happen as they do.  It isn't my place to understand the phenomenon in life.  But acknowledging the significance of that occurrence in my life is a big step for me.  It is admitting that whether I acknowledged Him or not, He never stopped looking out for me.  If I reflect further back, I can see it throughout my life.  I am a very trusting person, which has its place.  But I put myself in some dangerous situations.  However, I always overcame the obstacles.  That's why I can enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

With Rings on Her Fingers

I am late today!  I have had a long day at work.  My hours were extended today to include a webinar for my position.  It was worth it.  Isn't it rewarding to say something like, "I had to go to work early today to dial into a webinar...in French!"

My body is weary but the mind is reeling.  On my way to work today, I stumbled across a radio broadcast that I could not, at first, discern the topic.  As the time passed, second by second, it came to light.  They had a woman on the phone who had been engaged 4 times!  Not only that, but she never married any of them!  AND....she was dating No. 5 and expecting to be asked.  What further ruffled the hosts and my feathers, as I am sure a few other listeners, was that the woman had never, EVER, given any ring back.  She kept them...

All of them!

Now, raise your hand if the person you are with would appreciate you holding on to a symbol of everlasting commitment from another person.  Anyone...

Anyone at all...

No?

Case in point.  I know my fiancé was not thrilled when we began out relationship to think that I had just keep sakes and cards from my exes.  I had never been engaged to anyone!  But I can also understand.  There are things that bothered me that he took care of, just as I did.  But that's respect.  Something I have a high quantity of, as does my fiancé.  For myself and for each other. 

Now, perhaps you can argue this woman (also named Laura, I am ashamed) has a great deal of self-respect and confidence.  I should say so because she said that unless this Guy No. 5 has something fantastic planned...she will say no!

Are we becoming desensitised to emotion and excitement?  Can you get a high from proposals?  I think this story shows just that.  We become so enraptured in the emotions and the nature of the event that sometimes, we lose sight of what that event truly means.  In each case, she said she concluded that these were not her ideal men.  But perhaps, they gave the ideal proposal?

This goes for everything.  We even take things for granted, to our loss.  The love you feel with your significant other?  Hold on to it, nurture it, tend to it.  If you don't, you could lose it quickly.  What is here today isn't guaranteed tomorrow.  Just like Life.  In an instant, everything precious you value could be ripped from your possession.  And what will you have left?  Will you have Love?  Respect?  Intellect?  Ideals?  Morals? 

Will you have Faith?

When I started on this journey, I wrote down a myriad of topics and ideas to write about.  But as time began to pass, I realized that I could draw more from what Life gives me.  Sure, in the beginning they were planned, carefully executed and I am sure I will draw from my list from time to time.  I will talk about books I read and things I hear.  However, who can beat talking about what you experience?

I hope you are enjoying my thoughts, whoever you may be.  Perhaps you have an idea you want me to discuss or divulge my thoughts on.  Please, let me know.  I am always willing to learn and share my perceptions.  Afterall...perception is reality.  Until tomorrow and hopefully not as late of an hour, I hope you enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Learning from Loss

Leap forward five hours in time and you will come across the shores of Ireland.  On this day, St. Patrick is said to have driven the snakes out of Ireland.  On this day, Ireland is celebrating the feast day of its patron saint.  From the Cliffs of Mohr to the shores of County Galway, the country is enjoying a day of celebrating with loved ones and neighbors.  While we as Americans dye rivers green and our beer green too, the people of Ireland need only go out into a field and see the green laid out before them.  I am so proud to call myself Irish.  On this day, my blood runs green.  So I begin this post saying, "Happy St. Patrick's Day!"

I mentioned briefly last night about the parade my fiance and I and his son attended.  I also told you that the topic of today's post had three legs....did anyone figure it out?

Let's see....

Yesterday, in the Raleigh parade for St. Patrick's Day, there were several animal rescue groups dedicated to certain breeds of dogs.  There were the Irish wolfhounds (my favorite, I want one of those gentle giants!), greyhounds, German shepherds, pit bulls and much, much more!  In a few of the groups, I noticed a dog that made my think.  These dogs had three legs!  Now I am certain you have all heard stories.  An animal loses the use of its limb and adapts its lifestyle accordingly.  I remember watching one little kitten who was born with deformed back legs, both of them.  This little kitten got around by, literally, picking its hind legs off the ground into a hand-stand and walking that way!  I have seen dogs with two legs, both of them on the same side of the body, and the dog is still able to run and play.  He stands up by leaning against a tree, for example.

How is it that these animals do not realize their limb is gone?  Whenever we, as people, lose the use of a limb, whether temporarily or permanently, we mourn for a little bit.  We are slow to adapt but quick to mourn.  I began to think about our ability to adapt in other aspects of our life.  When we suffer a loss, how can we adapt to a point where it is like it never happened at all?

When we lose a loved one, we are force to handle the death through the funeral and spending time with the surviving family.  It still takes time to recover from a loss such as this, to begin moving forward again.  But what about other losses?  We have to adapt to change in our life, no matter what aspect.  But I think we have to also remember what we lost.  Unlike animals forgetting they had the limb, any piece of us that we lose, we have to remember it was once there.  We learn from loss.  If you lose a friend, you learn how to better keep the next one.  When we lose a little bit of faith, we have to learn how to get it back and keep it.  We can learn a lot from animals but have to remember what makes us human as well.  Loss is painful and can cause us a lot of strive in our life.  But loss is also the way we grow as people.  When large losses occur in the world, such as the Holocaust, we are more hard pressed to prevent something like that from happening ever again.  It causes social change in the world and society, as well as the immortality of that loss.

Loss cannot be ignored, although we try to.  I believe our mourning to be the process of trying to forget when we really should be embracing the loss and learning from it.  I know it is hard.  I have gone down this path several times, in several ways.  Although I try to forget the loss, I eventually come to realize that it can help me move forward.

I hope everyone enjoys their St. Patrick's Day.  Please be safe.  Don't drink and drive.  Most importantly, enjoy and embrace everyone around you.  You never know when you might experience a loss but it is better to enjoy the time you have rather than stew on the potential future.  Until then, enjoy St. Patrick's Day.  Here, it is gloomy and rainy, fitting for an Irish celebration, and the best kind of sunscreen!  Please enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Winds for Change Shifting?

The white smoke came billowing out from the Sistine Chapel yesterday, approximately 7 pm in Rome.  It was a joyful occasion for all Catholics around the world as a leader had been elected, a new pope.  As you may remember, Pope Benedict XVI shocked the world by stepping down from the papacy.  He caused further conflict when it came forward that he would remain in the Vatican City, not too far from where the shadow of the new pope would fall.  And be dubbed Pope Emeritus.  Emeritus is defined as, "Having retired but maintaining a title of honor."  He vowed he would not interfere with the decisions of the church, allowing the new pope to lead the people of the Catholic church in peace.

The new pope, now known as Pope Francis, shook the world himself, becoming the first pope from the Americas.  He was a cardinal in Argentina and is known for living in poverty and a humble life, denying the right to live in the palace maintained for a man of his status and electing to live in an apartment instead.  He waves aside the chauffeur for taking a bus.  He is a Jesuit priest, an old order.  He, too, is not without conflict, especially given his ties and potential involvement with the dictatorship that ruled Argentina in the late-1970s, early-1980s.  But what man goes without scrutiny?  I read that around that time, he watched as women who had children out of wedlock wondered from Catholic church to church, begging the child be baptized.  He would witness church after church turn them away.  The former cardinal Bergoglio compared this to that of the Pharisees, of how it became exclusive, not inclusive.

I hope this is a sign of change to come on the wings of the new pope.  I can express first hand that there is a sense of exclusivity when it comes to the Catholic church.  My fiancé and I experienced it first hand.  Further more, as a woman within the Catholic church, I experienced the duration of my life.  The meaning of the word, "Catholic" is "universal."  In our confession of faith, we say, "We believe in one, holy, Catholic and apostolic church."  A church of unity, of followers, of believers. 

The Greek word most commonly associated with the English word church is, "ecclesia."  This means "the called-out."  Any member of a church would be considered called-out to its purpose.  So how can a church turn people away when its confession of faith mentions unity and the root of the word church means the called-out?

I don't know if there is an over-bearing fear of protecting the way things were or if it is fear that the morals of the church would be lost in any sense of modernization.  But I wish things would change.  I hope for a day when I can walk into a church with my future husband and smile at the priest, no judgement clouding his eyes.  To partake in the sacrament of Eucharist without the whispers so many wayward Catholics hear at Easter and Christmas.  For now, all we as a world can do is pray.  Pray for the unity of the Catholic church.  Pray for Pope Francis, that he may guide the church in a good direction.  Pray for religions everywhere to begin working together to heal our broken world. 

And always pray for each other.  Sometimes we lost sight of those we need to pray for the most: ourselves.  So it is with a hopeful heart and a light smile that I wish you enjoy today and everyday, in a thing called "La Vie."

Brick by Brick

Last night, my fiancé and I had just finished dinner and we were enjoying watching TV.  I told him I had sent him an email about a house I had seen online.  From there, we again commenced our quest to finding our future home.  We shared pictures, descriptions and appearances, concerns and excitement.  It was fun to think about of course, especially being two adults living in a 2 BR/1 BA apartment.

Come the morning following an evening such as this, my mind begins to wonder the various loopholes and traps that might be lying in our path.  We have to consider our finances, I tell him.  What about the down payment, the water, insurance, taxes?

In his cool, calm, collected way, he laughs over the phone and reassures me:

We will be okay.  We just have to pray and things will work out.

 

I drive to work thinking about how we are not even yet married and considering buying a home.  Are we putting the cart before the horse?  Or perhaps, are we building our home too fast?  Whenever you look at a home, do you ever think of how long the construction actually took?  Or do you just see a pretty façade and a few potential problems, a money pit or a dream come true?

 

I realized in a past job of mine how often we over look things.  I worked in the sign industry.  You read it right.  I watched sign being built, repaired, conceived, priced and sold.  I remember thinking that I had never thought about how every sign I saw needed to be made.  And made in a certain way!  Later in my job, I had to work in the vinyl department, cutting and laying vinyl for signs.  I learned quickly that you can do things in a certain order to get everything looking pristine or do them how you want and potentially end up with a less than uniform mess.

 

Considering that, are we building our home, our life too fast?  I suppose if we weren't considering the fundamentals of our life together, we would be.  We would be building a shell without having a firm foundation nor a way to fill the walls.  However, I am lucky that my fiancé and I share a lot of the fundamental morals that come into question during any relationship.  Sure we differ in some areas.  But we are two different people and that happens.  My favorite quote about marriage is:

 

Marriage is a perfect union entered into by two imperfect people.

 

So generally, we are similar.  We can say our foundation is poured.  We even have some of the frame work built.  We are experiencing living together, the division of responsibilities and discussions of the financial sorts.  And we are being cautious.  We discussed this morning about sitting down with all the numbers and complying what we think is possible.  This includes bills, loans, possible things in the future, financing of a home and other various items of our household.  So I think the framework is close to being done.

 

To fill a house, to make it a home, it has to be filled to the rafters, to the brim, with Love.  And that Love can come from a variety of different sources.  It should be Love for yourselves as individuals and as a couple, Love from your families and their support, as well as Love in the divine sense.  Whatever your belief system, I am sure you feel an embrace from the world sometimes.  It is time to embrace back.

 

No relationship is ever completely built.  My fiancé and I will be building our relationship until the end of our days (God willing).  And even then, I am sure, if you could ask us if our relationship was completely, I feel we would still tell you it needs work.  This is due to the fact that relationships are not slapped together and left to stand the test of time.  They are a work of art that constantly needs to be updated, perfected and improved upon.  Perhaps one day, I will need to work less and spend more time at home.  Perhaps one day, we will have to work more to have a home.  But it is those intricacies, the salient motion of relationships that not only make it more difficult to maintain, but more rewarding as well. 

 

So as I take you on the journey of building my relationship brick by brick, I hope you enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."



Date Night in Oz

What a crazy weekend!  On Friday, my fiancé and I witnessed the building next door burning.  Fortunately, any fire was contained to one apartment, but no lack of smoke damage was sustained in the other apartments.  Please pray for those people who are currently living out of a motel.

On Saturday, we went to see Oz: The Great and Powerful, with another couple after dinner.  It is an excellent movie, I highly recommend you see it.  Although, I told my fiancé that any child of mine will have to suffer through The Wizard of Oz before seeing the "prequel."  The mysticism of it all is gone when you see this movie first.  But watching the movie caused me to reflect on the symbolism of the Wicked Witch of the West being green.  I will try to talk about this without going into great detail.  The last thing I want to be is a spoiler.

The Wicked Witch of the West has been portrayed as green in the original movie, as well as this new prequel.  But what can this mean.  Green is often associated with envy, as well as jealousy.  If we think about the original movie, the Wicked Witch is envious of the ruby red slippers, as well as jealous of Dorothy getting them.  Water causes her to melt, disintegrate into the ground as though she never existed before.  Water often symbolizes cleanliness, perhaps starting of a new life.  This is especially true when you consider Christian themes within the movie.  Water is typically a symbol of baptism, baptize meaning, "2a: to purify or cleanse spiritually especially by a purging experience or ordeal." 

Typically, baptism is seen as a cleansing from Original Sin, the term most commonly used in the Christian faith to refer to the disobedience of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.  This is also the reason that the name is given here.  It is similar to giving the child a "new identity" so to speak.  In the Catholic faith, later in the child's life they will undergo the Rite of Confirmation.  This is a sacrament in which the adult affirms their faith in the Catholic church.  They also choose a new name, typically based on a saint.  I went through this process.  My chosen name is Catherine.  This name is marked in the books as a part of the new identity.

But why would the Wicked Witch have this reaction to water?  I read today that this was L. Frank Baum's nod to history, when accused witches would be thrown into water to see if they would drown.  If the accused sank, they would be innocent.  If they floated, they were guilty.  I can also imagine this analogy being used as witches are typically deemed evil and can only be expunged with holy water.

I did a Google search for "L Frank Baum Christian themes" and a lot of different sites came up, explaining the potential congruities between The Wizard of Oz and the Bible.  I think there are also a lot of similarities between the movie as well as history.  The "prequel" draws a lot of allusion to the original movie, which is nice to see.  Still....no child of mine will see the newer one without seeing the older one first.

Well I recommend you have a date night with your significant other and go see a movie, go out to dinner, or how about a quiet picnic on your living room floor.  What you do doesn't have to cost money...it just has to mean something.  In the meantime, enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Discovering Love...Again

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Love (noun):


1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
      (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers
      (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests
 
    b : an assurance of affection


4 a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another:
   as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind
       (2) : brotherly concern for others

   b : a person's adoration of God

This may be the hardest thing to write.  One of them, at least.  To really explain my outlook on love and Love, I have to explain my experiences from Love.  This gives you, the reader, an opportunity to explore how I came to my viewpoint currently.

Currently, I am in love with an amazing man, engaged to be married and enjoying life each day as it comes.  But if you were to meet me in my freshman year of college, this girl did not exist.  This girl had yet to be discovered.

I had typical experiences in high school.  I had "boyfriends" but didn't kiss anyone until I was 17.  The boy that I kisses (that was outside of preschool, mind you.  I don't count that) was a gentleman.  We had a lot of good times.  Unfortunately, we met 2 weeks before I had to move away with my family.  Before then, love had played cruel games on me.  I was teased, picked on, lead on and told I was only fit to marry, but never date.  After the move, the relationship lasted only to the end of May, perhaps early June.  That was the last good relationship I would know in approximately 2 years.

My grandmother passed away and plunged into a downward spiral.  I was used and tossed aside like a rag doll.  I won't go into detail now, perhaps another time.  One story at a time, like the 40 Arabian Nights.  I had extremely low self-esteem.  I hated the person in the mirror.  I was an object, subjected to the whims and fancy of those around me.  I didn't know what else to do.

December of 2006, I thought things would turn around.  I started talking to a guy on Myspace.  Remember that social media site?  He seemed like a gentleman and we made plans to meet.  I was in college in Hickory, NC and he lived in Gastonia, NC.  I drove to meet him on his turf.  I ignored the red flags.  What could I do?  He wanted me...

The first time I met him, I don't remember much.  The one thing that sticks out in my mind is the fact that he got a letter, addressed to someone else.  He said he couldn't receive mail under his own name.  That should have been the first warning to run as fast as I could.

But I didn't.  Like an idiot, I stayed.  And like I deserved, he began to take my liberties.  He took control of my life.  My clothes, my debit card, my card, my things.  Nothing was mine.  I felt as though I had to do this because he was right in what he said.  No one loves me.  No one cares...except him.

I remember one night, we went to a country bar in Charlotte, NC.  I was so excited to go out.  He had brought a friend with him, another guy.  I had to pay the cover for all of us.  That night, I was dancing and having fun when someone bumped into me.  Being who I am, I hip bumped the guy back, making light of a crowded situation.  I looked over at my boyfriend and saw fire in his eyes.  Terror flooded my mind and my receptors.  He had threatened to leave me on the roadside before.  To take my liberty even further.  I walked over, my head hanging to my chest.  He accused me of cheating with that man, the man I was hip bumping.  No amount of pleading would make him believe me.  I was so scared.

This was probably not the first time terror was brought into my life by this monster.  But it wasn't the last.  I remember I would drive the hour to see him on a school night.  I would try to leave when I thought he was asleep at 11 pm, at which he would wake up and ask me where I was going.  Saying he didn't want me to leave.  And with that, I would stay.  I would drive back to school at 4 or 5 am, nearly falling asleep at the wheel.  Several times, I fell asleep while on the road, waking with a start at the swerving motion the vehicle was being subjected to.  I remember him seeing me in nice clothes and telling me I was clearly cheating on him.  I had a conversation with a classmate and I was sleeping with him.  I was told to wear baggy shirts and ripped jeans.  But this person was the only one person who loved me.  He told me so...

On Valentine's day, my parents gave me a gift card to get myself something as a gift from them.  I handed it to him, the monster, thinking he might get me something, give him a way to buy me a gift without his own money.  He bought me a 99 cent rose.  The card was not returned to me.  There were other gifts in the car.  Mine was an after thought.

I was a part of the school's a Capella choir.  Every spring, they would go on a spring tour, traveling to some place and sing at different churches along the route.  But that's when things got odd.  I called and he said he was in the hospital.  He told me a dorm mate of mine took him there.  Should have been yet another red flag.

During our intimate moments, he would be on the computer, talking to other girls.  I was an after thought.  Yet I thought he held me as the center of his world.  How blind was I!  After coming home from the spring tour, I found a hospital bill in my car with a different name on it.  Not his.  But someones...he couldn't explain how it got there.  I went home for St Patrick's day and celebrated with my family.  My parents, especially my mom, kept asking me if I was OK, that I didn't look well.  My grades were suffering, although I didn't tell anyone.  I didn't have the strength to get out of bed.  I was about to lose my scholarship, although I won't know this until it was too late.  A few weeks after St Patrick's day was Easter.  I told him I was going home for Easter.  He complained but ultimately capitulated.  And that trip and what occurred afterward probably saved my life.

I came back from visiting home and began to clean out my car.  He had left it littered with trash and various sundries of things.  But then, my hand came to rest on an item that shocked me to discover.  A knife.  There was a knife hidden under the driver's seat of my car.  I was shaken to the core.  I broke down and began sobbing again.  I couldn't ever seem to stop crying.  My life became a series of tears and sleep, the only things my body had the energy for.  I knew then that it had to be over.  With that knife, my life could have been over in a fit of rage.  And it was not the knife I had bought him.

The end of that relationship or rather reign of terror came with the help of my parents.  He had confiscated my iPod and other various sundries of my possessions.  I couldn't face him alone.  I asked my dad to go with me.  He obliged me.  When we approached the door, I knew he was inside.  He wouldn't answer.  When we drove off, he text me, telling me to come back without my dad.  My dad told me to drop him off about a block away so he could still see me and then go.  More importantly my dad told me he loved me and would back me, no matter what.  With that, I faced him.  He shoved some of my possessions into my arms and closed the door.  I hadn't been invited to the house in a while.  The last time I was there, visiting with his family, the cat they rescued came to let me pet him.  The monster was amazed as the cat wouldn't come near him.  Small wonder.  Animals know people better than we know ourselves.

He called and begged me not to do this while I was having dinner with my dad.  When I said I couldn't, he flew into a rage.  I have blocked out whatever obscenities he may have hurled in my direction.  And this wasn't the end.

Over the course of the month, the girl who took him to the hospital went with me back to his house to demand the rest of my belongings.  He shoved them into my arms and threatened to come after us.  He began to jump into his mother's vehicle to follow us as we drove off.  At the end of April, he was spotted in that same girl's room.  I came to find out that in the span of a little over 4 months, he had been with 7 different women, not including myself.  My dorm mate and he got engaged ultimately and I had to suffer seeing him on campus for over a year.  He had lied to me about his name and his whole story.  All because he was a registered sex offender who didn't want to report his new location.  And I was completely in the dark about all of this.

The damage was done.  I lost my scholarship for a year.  My life was in shambles.  I thought of dark things daily.  My world was clouded over with despair.  I made more bad choices.  I was caught in the snarls of other men who were terrible to me and for me.  It wasn't until February of the following year that I got back into a better relationship.  Even then, I wasn't whole as I could be.

I am now engaged to a wonderful man who has taught me the true meaning of love.  He fits all the definitions seen above.  And I hope my Faith will help grow my Love too.  Over the last year, I have realized that I have been discovering the meaning of love all along, even with kissing my share of frogs.  I was learning to love my family again, the way I should love them.  I was also learning to love myself, little by little.  I still have a ways to go until I love myself without a second thought.  But love is something that always has to be discovered and rediscovered.  Even in long-standing marriages, those couples would tell you the spark takes effort to be warmed and maintained.  To love is easy.  To be in love takes work, dedication and compassion for the other person.  It is a two-way street.  If you are ever feeling taken advantage of, consider the life you want and the path you are walking.  Perhaps that will shine some clarity on the subject.  Until you come to collision time of love and life, please enjoy a little thing called "La Vie."

Finding Faith

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Faith (n.):

1 a: allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty

   b (1): fidelity to one's promises       (2): sincerity of intentions

 

2 a (1): belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2): belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion

   b (1): firm belief in something for which there is no proof       (2): complete trust

 

I invite you to review the definitions of Faith provided by Merriam-Webster Online.  Reflect that the first definition, a more secular one, is geared more towards our interactions as men and women of this Earth.  Notice it is defined as a loyalty to a duty or a person.  Thus why we say such things as, "I have faith in you."

 

Reflect, now, on the second definition.  This is clearly the more religious undertaking of the term, more commonly referred to, not as faith, but as Faith.  The reason I capitalize it is due to the fact that it is referring to an intangible and incomprehensible power.  To God.  It also gives it differentiation in my writings.  I can talk about my faith in others and my Faith in God.  But this is more than reflections of faith and the definition thereof.  This is about finding Faith.

 

As I mentioned in my first entry, I am Catholic.  However, as the majority of people experience, events in my life caused me to pause and turn slightly from my Faith and system of beliefs.  I stopped attending church.  I cried everytime I was there.  The sorrow filled me to the brim and I felt as though my chest was heavy.  I couldn't walk in there.  I felt it was a lie.  I felt misguided and wandering, like in the desert, searching for answers.  All along, I know I should have kept going.  Hindsight is 20/20.  But I was in college.  I had better things to do, right?

 

I knew best.

 

Well, several forks in the road, disastrous turns and other good intentions gone bad, I had come full circle.  I didn't know it yet, of course.  I still felt lost.  Honestly, I can't put my finger on the moment that I came to realize that church was exactly where I needed to be.  I know when I met my fiancé, I initially rebuked church, saying I could be OK on my own.  Finally, we went to the church he attended at that time and I succumbed to tears.  It was around Mother's Day, I believe.  I don't know what song it was or how it came to pass, but I cried.  And I needed to cry.

 

Too long, I had held back my emotions.  The hurt, pain, tears, fears and everything that held me back.  I had been bottled, capped and set on a shelf until that point of expiration.  And I exploded.

 

I know that day, the pastor made us seek another place to worship.  His words were not of the Christian spirit in our hearts.  But the service invoked memories in me that had been part of a catalyst to my downward spiral: memories of my Nanna

 

Nanna, my maternal grandmother, was a remarkable woman.  I remember coming home from elementary school and going to the apartment my family had built for her joining our home.  Three steps separated our house and hers.  Three steps and a laundry room.  I loved hearing stories of my grandfather, who passes away before my birth.  To see his metals from World War 2 and to talk to her about her experiences.  But most of all, I think about the Bible she gave me.  And the inscription she wrote on the inside page.  Although I do not currently remember verbatim and do not have it with me for easy reference, it encouraged me to continue my walk with Christ.

 

The spring of my Junior year in high school, we moved.  I changed high schools.  I put on a brave face.  And it didn't leave for years.  During that summer, my dad had taken me and my two younger sisters to the beach.  Mom called, urging us home.  Nanna was slipping from us.  The day my mom came home and told me Nanna had passed caused my world to crumble.  Although she told all of us there was an enormous amount of peace following her last breath, I was immediately lost.  In the span of 4 months, approximately, I felt as though I had lost my home and a piece of my world.

 

I didn't cry at her funeral.  I told myself I couldn't.  They played my favorite hymn, "On Eagle's Wings," yet not a tear escaped me.  This is what she would want, I lied to myself.  I didn't mourn, truthfully mourn, her death until about the beginning or a little before 2012.

 

My fiancé has started to bring me back to center.  My family, now more than ever, is my rock.  They have always been there but I have been too blind and lost to see them at the end of my nose.  The day I began mourning for my Nanna was the day I could begin to heal.  To begin to forgive all those who had trespassed against me and who I had trespassed.  To forgive myself for the years of hurt and affliction I had put myself through.  Am I better?  No.  Even to this day, the hate that had consumed me for years still comes boiling over.  On those days, even the sun can't make me come from the shadows.  On those days, I know I am not myself.  But in healing, we must still hurt.  And this is a healing that is more than physical or mental.  It is also emotional and spiritual.  Not only must I mend the relationships between me and the people I know on Earth, but mend the relationship I had lost with God.  I have to have both faith and Faith.

 

I continue to search for the complete inner peace that we all want ultimately.  I know I will find it.  It may take some deep soul searching and consideration, but it is possible.  And this blog is a part of that.  I think it will help me find some of my inner peace I know I need.  And so, I continue my journey of finding Faith and faith.  I will have more to write tomorrow.  Enjoy a thing called "La Vie."

Exploring the Concept of Trust

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Trust (n) - a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone or something
                   b: one in which confidence is placed

Trust is something that is deemed so easy to have but easy to lose.  It is easy to come by in a child but harder to see in adults.  Yet, trust is said to be vital for relationships, friendships, family, even religion.  In fact, in my studies in school, trust was taught to be the basis of some political protocol as well.

When you meet a child on the street, they look at you with their wide-eyed faces, glowing and brimming with curiosity and questions.  In those eyes and in their actions, you can see a trust that they place in the very motions and interactions they hold with everyone, even new acquaintances.  Is this not the reason we have to warn our children of "stranger danger?"  Have you truly known any child to recognize a stranger without it being defined first?  Of course not.  They hold within them an endearing level of trust in people around them.

Yet, due to the world around us, we must rob them of this sense of trust.  If we were still in the mindset of "a village to raise a child," I do not doubt that this practice would not occur.  However, because we operate more as an "every family for themselves" mentality, our immediate families are becoming safe havens and circles of protection and trust (as in the movie, Meet the Parents).

Having this instilled within us from a young age paves the way for us and colors our future relationships as adults.  Although I was raised with knowledge of stranger danger and to be careful who you trust, I, forever the eternal optimist, have always had faith in man and mankind.  Therefore, I was far too trusting.  I can see my mother nodding her head enthusiastically, for she always told me this.  Because of my desire to want to trust and see, in my mind, the good in people, I went through a lot of hardships, a lot of bad relationships and situations.  To this day, I am still coping and rebuilding from those times.

Even now, in a loving and accepting relationship with my fiancé, the need to trust freely always needs to be called to mind.  He has never done anything to cause me to question him.  But my past colors and dyes my future as an Easter egg.  I find it difficult to live in the present sometimes without invoking the past.  And the same goes from him.  His past, his nightmares and past relationships, color his relationship with me.  I know I have never given him reason to doubt his unwavering trust, but I am certain that he has to remind himself to not let his past experiences reflect on his current life with me.  But knowing where the obstacles are is half the battle to conquering them.  With us both knowing where the other has been, we can better come together and move forward in a new light.

I mentioned trust in political protocol.  I studied International Relations and French during my years in college.  One of the most fascinating classes I had the privilege of taking was International Law.  This class was the study of law as it pertains between nations.  The most fascinating part and how it pertains to my discussion on trust: there is no world police force, no law enforcing body, no actual letter of law to follow.

Intriguing, isn't it?  How, you might ask, does the world and nations get managed?  Isn't there the United Nations and other governing bodies that can impose laws?  It would seem that way but all of these political bodies are voluntary.  The only thing the United Nations will do when a nation is no following the by-laws is enact sanctions on the nation that will be observed by everyone else in the United Nations.  Therefore, if a country is not in United Nations, they do not have to follow these sanctions. 

The other way trust comes into play is the concept of reciprocity.  Nations often come to agreements about certain items and problems on terms of reciprocity.  You scratch my back, I will scratch yours.  Basically, trust in the other's word.  We will drop our nuclear arms if you do the same.

The biggest and sometimes most difficult type of trust is Trust in Faith.  "+Jesus I Trust in You+" Words that carried Angela Faddis and her family through the darkest and final days.  If trust is so easily taken from us as children, is it difficult to hold on to enough to trust in the unknown?  The intangible?  This is where Faith comes in.  We cannot trust what we do not have Faith in.  Just like anything else in life.  All of the above examples require an amount of Faith in order for the Trust to be instilled.  I have faith in my fiancé so I can trust him.  Nations hold an amount of faith or confidence in other nations, so they hope to trust them.  But the hardest is to find Faith in what we believe to hold Trust in Him.

Tomorrow, I think I might start a trilogy on Faith, Hope and Love.  For today, I will close as I feel I have exhausted trust for the time being.  Perhaps trust will come up again.  Perhaps I will trust you, the reader, to tell you more about my past experiences which so shaped and formed my trust.  But for now, enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."