Forge Your Own Path

"The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves."

-William Shakespeare

Throughout life, we all encounter those moments we refer to in several different terms.  Fate, destiny, it was "meant to be"...all of these terms indicate that something occurred that was somehow predetermined in the universe.  Now, I am not saying this is not completely incorrect because I do think there are things that come to pass.  But I think to a degree, we control that fate as well.

When I was in middle school, I went with some friends to a place called Oneighty.  This was a safe place where kids around the same age can go to.  For the first hour, you could play video games, have something to eat, hang out with your friends and the second hour was dedicated to the ministry portion of the program. One time, during the second hour, the topic turned to dating and how you find your soulmate.  The advice given to us in those seats was that your soulmate will come to your door.

Looking back, I realize that what they meant was that when you aren't looking, Love will find you.  But at that age, I took this to mean literally, sit at home, and wait for the person you are meant to be with to arrive.  Love, like life, sometimes needs helping along.  While you shouldn't search for it, you shouldn't ignore it either.  We must create our own destiny in Love to an extent.

Why does this come up, you ask?  Because this applies to the work place as well.  At my place of employment over the years, I have had many people mill promises over me.  A lot of times, I was content to rest on my laurels and wait for these promises to come to fruition.  I suppose you can see where this is going.  Nothing ever really became of what was said.  This can wear on a person who is constantly looking to better herself or improve who she is in work (she for myself, of course!).  This time, I determined that it needed to be different.

I was beginning to become frustrated.  I had a large system of support at first when I started at the company.  But, as it often happens, sometimes roles of the superiors change and with that, expectations and support can also alter.  I was holding a lot of things I wanted to see for myself.  However, I found myself waiting for someone else to make it happen for me.  Odd, as this is never how things work generally.  So, I came to a decision: take my own destiny, my own work future, into my hands.  I plan to start different training courses and searching out ways to better my skill set.

What about you?  Is there something currently in your life that you have been waiting to take care of itself?  Perhaps you, like me, are waiting for something in the workplace to take off?  Or perhaps you are waiting for Love?  Maybe it is something else entirely, a calling or something deeper.  You are not helping yourself by waiting for it to be handed to you.  Take chances, take risks and enjoy life!  Why wait for someone else to hand you something when you will feel so much better about it when you earn it?

If they say it on the Internet/Radio/Television...

Modern TV family

...it must be true!

Are you familiar with that ad?  I believe it is for State Farm insurance.  The gentleman is mapping his accident on his cell phone when a women walks up.  She is all about how they can't post any lies on the Internet.  Then she says her date, who is a French model, is coming who she met on the Internet.  He is far from a model and, from the look on his face, you can tell he lied to her.

Why am I bringing this up?  These media sources (radio, Internet, television) are ways we learn about how to deal with things and how products come into our homes.  Last night, on the way home from work, I heard a radio ad aimed at parents of unfocused children.  The advertised product was a game, a video game, that your child was able to play and learn to focus and learn overall.  They were giving away demos.  Not only did just this idea make me sad but at the very end of the ad was a startling statement.  It was not in the wording of a typical disclaimer.  Instead of "May not be effective for all children," it said, "Your child may not be successful."

How powerful.  Parents only want the best for their children, only want their children to succeed.  Otherwise, why would they buy such a product.  But the power in the statement that takes the blame of effectiveness off the product and places it on the child.  Therefore, if your child does not improve or succeed, it is the fault of the child, not the product.

The other component that blows my mind in this advertisement is the idea that a child can gain these skills all through a video game.  But then again, we are a generation that let's our televisions babysit for us.  Whenever we have my fiance's son over, I am amazed at how much his life revolves around the TV.  We try to turn it off for him to settle down for the night, only to be met with cries that a certain show was about to come on or should be coming on.  He has asked us if he can fall asleep on the sofa, watching TV.  When he is watching it, he is in a trance.

I will admit that when I watch TV, I sometimes tune the rest of the world out.  My escape.  It shouldn't be.  My art should be my escape, my music should be my escape, as should my relationship and my family and friends.  Unfortunately, by the time I get home some nights, there isn't time.  For example, all this week, I do not get home until after 9:30 every night.  Once home, it's time for me to finish everything else that needs to be done around the house, for myself and the meal.

Life gets crazy and hectic.  But that is never reason enough to set aside the relationships between people in order to hush a room with a movie or TV.  And these things will not help our children, our youth get better in school.  When I heard the radio commercial, I immediately tried to reflect back on how I was taught to focus.  I wasn't taught with TV, video games or Internet.  Those were things I was privileged to if I earned them.  Otherwise, I knew to pay attention, to listen, to do well in school.  I knew how to play by myself and with my sisters.

Perhaps with having television babysitting our children, it causes inattentiveness.  We try to talk to the youth while they are lost in another world.  It could be teaching them that it is OK to ignore an adult.  If we don't like something on TV or on the radio, we just change the channel.  At school, there is no channel to change.  If a student gets "bored," they will lose focus and have difficulty refocusing.  When children play by themselves or with other children, they learn important social skills, creative thinking and problem solving.  When they watch TV, they learn a completely different set of values and not actively either.  There is both active and passive learning.  Active learning is when the child is participating in an activity that helps them retain this information.  It could be singing a song, writing something down.  An example of this is when I wrote the alphabet and challenged my fiance's son to write each letter.  Passive learning is when you watch something and absorb the information.  At a young age, however, not all the information may be absorbed in this manner.  Maybe some facts will and others will not.

Maybe no more than a year ago, my mom handed me an article about games.  It was teaching parents ideas of games to play with their children outside.  They were games I played when I was a child.  Seeing something like this makes me very sad.  I know we are a world that is constantly rushing around until we are exhausted, not leaving time enough to enjoy with our families.  But is the extra three dollars worth losing your family, losing your relationships with your family, your children?

The Dance of Courtship

Ah, courtship!  The dance of Love, passion and future.  I have often said to my peers that by large, the human species is the only one in which the women attracted the men.  Mind you, this doesn't mean that women do all the work, but they are the ones who primarily cause the attraction.  When I thought about this topic for today, I decided to look the information up, become better informed.  To my surprise, there are more species that have an evenness of roles in attraction across the Animal Kingdom.


Too often, we associate male birds, fish and other animals with putting on shows and brightly colored displays to attract a mate.  In the article I read this morning ("In the Animal Kingdom, a New Look at Female Beauty," The New York Times),  there are examples of animals in which the male does display colors or striking marks, but the female returns this display.  The brighter the females' markings, the more desirable the mate.  The first example of this is the Goby fish, in which the males approach a female and show off blue spots on their fins.  If the female is interested, it will back-flip, displaying the bright yellow spots on its belly.  The brighter the spots, the better the chance of courtship.

This was cause for pause.  Was it reflected in our society?  It seems that our first line of courtship is the colorful plumes of our females, the hair, make-up, clothing and everything else that goes into primping.  We parade in front of our male counterparts, hoping someone will approach us and talk to us.  We smile, play with our hair, make eye contact and flirtatiously look away.  But it isn't all one way.

Men, I am sure, primp extensively when they are out looking for the courtship of their life.  So while they are showing their colorful plumes, surely they are nervous about looking at ours.  While attractiveness is a crucial point of coming together as a couple, there are so many factors that cannot be accurately calculated by science.  As a higher level of society, we do not court simply for the need of impregnating and leaving.  We have, as far as I am able to tell, evolved beyond that point.  We have become a society of monogamy and feel the need to court, not only those who stimulate the loins, but who stimulate our intellect, our interests and our need for companionship.

To those women who are experiencing difficulty finding that man who want to court them or they keep meeting the "wrong" men, I was there.  I met too many of the wrong guys and constantly thought that was all I could have.  I was told in high school that I was a girl guys would marry, but would never date.  I am dead serious!  I was so confused.  How could you marry me but not date me?

Fast forward to today.  After years of online dating and months upon months of wasted relationships, of tearing myself down, convincing myself I don't deserve better, I found my companion.  But it took time.  I am lucky enough to find someone who embraces my intellect and my perspective of the world, who also supports me in all that I do.  This will happen for you too.  You have to consider that our society has been flooded with media images of the desirable girl.  But those girls don't last.  I finally understand what that boy in high school meant by what he said.  I am not someone for a few dates.  I am someone to settle down with.  And I am so happy I have found the man I will settle down with.

Don't give up on love.  Love will come when you least expect it.  When you don't see it, it might just be like a flower covered in snow.  Give it time, culture your garden and suddenly, it will bloom.  Until then, indulge in yourself, ladies and gents.  The more you know about yourself, the better you can present yourself and the stronger your relationships.  For now, enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

All that Glitters...

It is a story that we all encounter at some point, either in our own experiences or through someone else.  That story of choosing between love and money.  A choice between a life that could be rife of poverty but full of love or a life filled with riches, yet devoid of Love.  A life of convenience or of dedication.  What would you choose?

It may seem simple.  You may consider that having money would far outweigh the need for Love.  That you can fill that void.  But you can't.  A void from Love is one that is never filled because Love is endless so the void, too, must be endless and bottomless.  This comes to mind today because yesterday evening, I had a conversation with a coworker of mine.  She illustrated this choice (although it is not at the point of love) between a younger man who has similar life experiences or an older man who offers her comfort.  She said her friends insisted it was an easy decision, one you shouldn't have to think about.  As she talked it through with me, I think she already knew her answer: Love.

In truth, I am not unlike her.  I, too, had decisions like this cross my path.  I was offered to fly around the world, to receive a living stipend, to be cared for.  I was told any work I missed would be compensated and paid for, plus shopping, fine dining and excellent accommodations.  And each time, I knew I was not the only woman in the man's life.  I was a companion, an escort of sorts, that he was seeking out.  A younger woman to stand by his side and on his arm, one with intellect, who can entertain witty conversation.  But it was empty...

It made me feel empty... 

No, I didn't go flying around the world, receive a stipend or otherwise conduct myself improperly in this circumstance.  I am a woman driven by Love.  I discovered this every time I encountered a situation where Love would not be sown into the relationship/courtship.  I would wonder why I wasn't enough, what I could do to become enough.  The truth was that those men didn't want Love.  They wanted a companion, someone they could buy, wine and dine and not owe any explanation to.  An easy way out.

My past experiences paint who I am today.  If I didn't not realize how much I run off Love, I would not be engaged to a man whose being runs off Love as well.  I would not be loving his son, his family, nor anyone else associated with him, if I did not discover this pivotal piece of information about myself.  The world cries and searching for the meaning of Life but perhaps we can only get clues.  This was a clue for me.

Reflect on your past and the experiences you have come from.  Perhaps, there is a clue to the meaning of your life within those painted walls of memories.  We build our lives as a mansion, the outside is perfect, gilded and glittering with success and decency.  But how is it furnished on this inside?  Is it furnished with Love, Faith, Hope, Trust and other values you desire to have?  Or is it unfurnished, waiting for the pieces to be put in.  Perhaps all that is there is a crooked picture hanging on the wall.  It is waiting.  Waiting for you to straighten it and look into the eyes of your experience.  Perhaps it is a mirror.

While you reflect on your experiences and what makes you, you, consider this.  No two people run on the same emotional stream.  This is why relationships can be difficult.  What drives me in some aspects of my life doesn't necessarily mean it does for my fiancé.  But you work on it.  You compromise.  You understand those differences and come to terms that maybe you won't get to cuddle all the time, for example.  But maybe that's what makes those times you do cuddle that much more sacred.  Until you stop by again, I hope you enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Married, with a Boyfriend

Long past is the time of world-wind romances and sweeping people off their feet.  If you watch the news and listen to the radio with any sort of consistency, you will undoubtedly hear about cheating and infidelity.  What actor/actress was found in the arms of a person NOT their spouse today?  Perhaps it was arranged that way, an open relationship.  I cannot imagine what the people of yesteryear would say to the ongoings of our current generation.

Now, before you jump all over me for my title, let me explain myself.  Yes, it is a bold statement but no, I am not wanting nor ever want to cheat on my fiancé.  So before you go try to track him down and warn him of the imminent danger he is walking into, please allow me to elaborate.

So often, couples complain about how after they were married, the sizzle fizzled.  This is often a reason given that people seek other partners: to find the sizzle again.  It is too much work to rekindle that fire and so much easier to stoke it with a stranger.  But I want to keep my fire alive.  I want to be both married to my fiancé AND for him to be my boyfriend.

Make sense now?

Of course, this will never be easy.  We would forever be hounded by the pressures surrounding us.  But it is the glimmer in his eyes that tells me this is possible.  Am I always willing? No and neither is he.  However, I know we can still be playful with each other.  We leave notes for each other and try to kiss one another as often as possible.  We cuddle and talk.  Our good-byes in the morning are long and our welcome home in the evenings can't come fast enough.  This is what I desire.  To be able to come home, to a strong, stable, amazing man who can also enjoy playing, flirting and loving me like we just met yesterday.

It is not without its problems.  We are not perfect, by far!  But we realize that we need to communicate and try to work through things rather than shrug them off.  Take last night as an example.  I had previously asked that he open up to me about his thoughts and feelings.  I want to be his girlfriend and future wife.  However, when he did, the girlfriend in me came out instead of the loving wife.  The girlfriend lashed out, not understanding fully what he was talking about or confused as to what to do.  The wife would have looked at him lovingly and filed everything he said in the back of her mind to use at a later point in time.  I was able to bring the wife forward but it was not without bruising his feelings and Ego first. 

If you are reading this, my Love, for that I am truly sorry <3

No relationship is perfect, true.  But a relationship is what you make it.  It can be sizzle, fire and spark or it can be dull, lifeless and wanting.  You have to seek in the other person what you need to be fulfilled.  And reach a compromise.  These are things that you can never stop seeking, for fear of losing that fire.  To stop looking for the one you love is to stop fighting for the relationship.

I have amends to make for the girlfriend coming out when it should have been the wife.  I realize that.  However, I know that my love for my fiancé is deeper than any love I have felt previously.  And I will fight tooth and nail to stay his support.  For now, all I can do is wait for the end of the day, to come home to my fiancé and his son, who will be with us this weekend.  Until that moment, I have to try to enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Brick by Brick

Last night, my fiancé and I had just finished dinner and we were enjoying watching TV.  I told him I had sent him an email about a house I had seen online.  From there, we again commenced our quest to finding our future home.  We shared pictures, descriptions and appearances, concerns and excitement.  It was fun to think about of course, especially being two adults living in a 2 BR/1 BA apartment.

Come the morning following an evening such as this, my mind begins to wonder the various loopholes and traps that might be lying in our path.  We have to consider our finances, I tell him.  What about the down payment, the water, insurance, taxes?

In his cool, calm, collected way, he laughs over the phone and reassures me:

We will be okay.  We just have to pray and things will work out.

 

I drive to work thinking about how we are not even yet married and considering buying a home.  Are we putting the cart before the horse?  Or perhaps, are we building our home too fast?  Whenever you look at a home, do you ever think of how long the construction actually took?  Or do you just see a pretty façade and a few potential problems, a money pit or a dream come true?

 

I realized in a past job of mine how often we over look things.  I worked in the sign industry.  You read it right.  I watched sign being built, repaired, conceived, priced and sold.  I remember thinking that I had never thought about how every sign I saw needed to be made.  And made in a certain way!  Later in my job, I had to work in the vinyl department, cutting and laying vinyl for signs.  I learned quickly that you can do things in a certain order to get everything looking pristine or do them how you want and potentially end up with a less than uniform mess.

 

Considering that, are we building our home, our life too fast?  I suppose if we weren't considering the fundamentals of our life together, we would be.  We would be building a shell without having a firm foundation nor a way to fill the walls.  However, I am lucky that my fiancé and I share a lot of the fundamental morals that come into question during any relationship.  Sure we differ in some areas.  But we are two different people and that happens.  My favorite quote about marriage is:

 

Marriage is a perfect union entered into by two imperfect people.

 

So generally, we are similar.  We can say our foundation is poured.  We even have some of the frame work built.  We are experiencing living together, the division of responsibilities and discussions of the financial sorts.  And we are being cautious.  We discussed this morning about sitting down with all the numbers and complying what we think is possible.  This includes bills, loans, possible things in the future, financing of a home and other various items of our household.  So I think the framework is close to being done.

 

To fill a house, to make it a home, it has to be filled to the rafters, to the brim, with Love.  And that Love can come from a variety of different sources.  It should be Love for yourselves as individuals and as a couple, Love from your families and their support, as well as Love in the divine sense.  Whatever your belief system, I am sure you feel an embrace from the world sometimes.  It is time to embrace back.

 

No relationship is ever completely built.  My fiancé and I will be building our relationship until the end of our days (God willing).  And even then, I am sure, if you could ask us if our relationship was completely, I feel we would still tell you it needs work.  This is due to the fact that relationships are not slapped together and left to stand the test of time.  They are a work of art that constantly needs to be updated, perfected and improved upon.  Perhaps one day, I will need to work less and spend more time at home.  Perhaps one day, we will have to work more to have a home.  But it is those intricacies, the salient motion of relationships that not only make it more difficult to maintain, but more rewarding as well. 

 

So as I take you on the journey of building my relationship brick by brick, I hope you enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."



Narrowly Avoiding Disaster

Every morning, when I drive to work, I pass by some beautiful landscape. There is a huge farm that I can always see to my right, followed by different properties that make anyone ready to settle down. It can also prove to be distracting. Along my route this morning, I spotted a crow in the middle of the road. As we know, most birds fly off as soon as a car comes near. But never a crow. If you watch, they take their time.

My little crow this morning literally took three steps and then two hops...to simply get into the other lane! Although he was safe from me and the vehicle immediately behind me, he was lying in the wake of a vehicle too far for him to notice. Seeing this caused me to think about how much we can be like crows. We do just enough to step out of immediate harm's way, only to not foresee the danger coming up fast behind us.

Are we simply dancing in the road, teasing those potential dangers as a matador would a bull? Why do we do this to ourselves?

I spent the rest of my drive trying to consider what situations I may have narrowly avoided, only to put myself in the wake of something bigger. A good analogy would be scenarios from when I was in school. I commonly could skate through classes with minimal studying required on my part. I would pass each test, but never without sweating it out (not a good test taker, mind you). Needless to say, when the final, comprehensive test came along, I realized I had narrowly avoided immediate danger to only place myself in a more precarious situation. The same can be said for how I often would write papers. My final year in college, I wrote the bulk of my final papers the night before they were due. Sure, I wrote outlines and did my research. I even had thorough notes for each one. But that one night was spent in a flurry of desperate activity, mad I procrastinated.

I had done minimal work for minimal reward in each situation. While the immediate reward was great, it left me with something more monumental to consider later in the year. This does not simply apply to school work, either. There can be circumstances in work, personal life, relationships, even your Faith where this can be demonstrated.

For example, at work, you take each day as it comes, setting up the files and having them on hand. Then, suddenly, your superior wants a full, comprehensive document you created with all the values inputted from the time of conception. If you were only taking it day-by-day, you may not have entered every value necessary.

In relationships, this is commonly known as "too little, too late." Have you ever talked to a friend who tells you they didn't realize it until it was too late that their love was gone? Bruno Mars just had a song come out that capitalizes on this situation:

(Chorus)

Hmmm too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers and held your hand
Should have gave you all my hours when I had the chance
Take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby is dancing, but she's dancing with another man.

We get as much as we give. If we do the bare minimum in our lives to get by, can we truly say we are living life to the fullest? Instead of buying that diamond for your significant other when it's too late, why not do little things to reinforce how much you value that person? I know I try to do this with my fiancé. It isn't always perfect and doesn't always work out. But hopefully he knows from my efforts that I love him.

He does the same for me. One night, when it was snowing and I worked late, I came out to my car. It was encased in ice, about a quarter inch thick! I turned the key in my door and pulled hard, almost falling on the ice around my car. And what was inside, but an ice scraper and a note from my fiancé telling me that he can't wait to see me and to be careful driving home. No diamond. No riches. Just his emotions and love written in a note and shown in an ice scraper.

So the next time you are faced with this scenario in any situation in life, why not avoid moving into the next lane like the crow and fly out of the road instead? Take proactive measures to anything. Believe me, I need to take my own advice! Instead of narrowly avoiding disaster, why not take steps to stay out of harm’s way? So please, don't play in the streets and enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Discovering Love...Again

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Love (noun):


1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
      (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers
      (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests
 
    b : an assurance of affection


4 a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another:
   as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind
       (2) : brotherly concern for others

   b : a person's adoration of God

This may be the hardest thing to write.  One of them, at least.  To really explain my outlook on love and Love, I have to explain my experiences from Love.  This gives you, the reader, an opportunity to explore how I came to my viewpoint currently.

Currently, I am in love with an amazing man, engaged to be married and enjoying life each day as it comes.  But if you were to meet me in my freshman year of college, this girl did not exist.  This girl had yet to be discovered.

I had typical experiences in high school.  I had "boyfriends" but didn't kiss anyone until I was 17.  The boy that I kisses (that was outside of preschool, mind you.  I don't count that) was a gentleman.  We had a lot of good times.  Unfortunately, we met 2 weeks before I had to move away with my family.  Before then, love had played cruel games on me.  I was teased, picked on, lead on and told I was only fit to marry, but never date.  After the move, the relationship lasted only to the end of May, perhaps early June.  That was the last good relationship I would know in approximately 2 years.

My grandmother passed away and plunged into a downward spiral.  I was used and tossed aside like a rag doll.  I won't go into detail now, perhaps another time.  One story at a time, like the 40 Arabian Nights.  I had extremely low self-esteem.  I hated the person in the mirror.  I was an object, subjected to the whims and fancy of those around me.  I didn't know what else to do.

December of 2006, I thought things would turn around.  I started talking to a guy on Myspace.  Remember that social media site?  He seemed like a gentleman and we made plans to meet.  I was in college in Hickory, NC and he lived in Gastonia, NC.  I drove to meet him on his turf.  I ignored the red flags.  What could I do?  He wanted me...

The first time I met him, I don't remember much.  The one thing that sticks out in my mind is the fact that he got a letter, addressed to someone else.  He said he couldn't receive mail under his own name.  That should have been the first warning to run as fast as I could.

But I didn't.  Like an idiot, I stayed.  And like I deserved, he began to take my liberties.  He took control of my life.  My clothes, my debit card, my card, my things.  Nothing was mine.  I felt as though I had to do this because he was right in what he said.  No one loves me.  No one cares...except him.

I remember one night, we went to a country bar in Charlotte, NC.  I was so excited to go out.  He had brought a friend with him, another guy.  I had to pay the cover for all of us.  That night, I was dancing and having fun when someone bumped into me.  Being who I am, I hip bumped the guy back, making light of a crowded situation.  I looked over at my boyfriend and saw fire in his eyes.  Terror flooded my mind and my receptors.  He had threatened to leave me on the roadside before.  To take my liberty even further.  I walked over, my head hanging to my chest.  He accused me of cheating with that man, the man I was hip bumping.  No amount of pleading would make him believe me.  I was so scared.

This was probably not the first time terror was brought into my life by this monster.  But it wasn't the last.  I remember I would drive the hour to see him on a school night.  I would try to leave when I thought he was asleep at 11 pm, at which he would wake up and ask me where I was going.  Saying he didn't want me to leave.  And with that, I would stay.  I would drive back to school at 4 or 5 am, nearly falling asleep at the wheel.  Several times, I fell asleep while on the road, waking with a start at the swerving motion the vehicle was being subjected to.  I remember him seeing me in nice clothes and telling me I was clearly cheating on him.  I had a conversation with a classmate and I was sleeping with him.  I was told to wear baggy shirts and ripped jeans.  But this person was the only one person who loved me.  He told me so...

On Valentine's day, my parents gave me a gift card to get myself something as a gift from them.  I handed it to him, the monster, thinking he might get me something, give him a way to buy me a gift without his own money.  He bought me a 99 cent rose.  The card was not returned to me.  There were other gifts in the car.  Mine was an after thought.

I was a part of the school's a Capella choir.  Every spring, they would go on a spring tour, traveling to some place and sing at different churches along the route.  But that's when things got odd.  I called and he said he was in the hospital.  He told me a dorm mate of mine took him there.  Should have been yet another red flag.

During our intimate moments, he would be on the computer, talking to other girls.  I was an after thought.  Yet I thought he held me as the center of his world.  How blind was I!  After coming home from the spring tour, I found a hospital bill in my car with a different name on it.  Not his.  But someones...he couldn't explain how it got there.  I went home for St Patrick's day and celebrated with my family.  My parents, especially my mom, kept asking me if I was OK, that I didn't look well.  My grades were suffering, although I didn't tell anyone.  I didn't have the strength to get out of bed.  I was about to lose my scholarship, although I won't know this until it was too late.  A few weeks after St Patrick's day was Easter.  I told him I was going home for Easter.  He complained but ultimately capitulated.  And that trip and what occurred afterward probably saved my life.

I came back from visiting home and began to clean out my car.  He had left it littered with trash and various sundries of things.  But then, my hand came to rest on an item that shocked me to discover.  A knife.  There was a knife hidden under the driver's seat of my car.  I was shaken to the core.  I broke down and began sobbing again.  I couldn't ever seem to stop crying.  My life became a series of tears and sleep, the only things my body had the energy for.  I knew then that it had to be over.  With that knife, my life could have been over in a fit of rage.  And it was not the knife I had bought him.

The end of that relationship or rather reign of terror came with the help of my parents.  He had confiscated my iPod and other various sundries of my possessions.  I couldn't face him alone.  I asked my dad to go with me.  He obliged me.  When we approached the door, I knew he was inside.  He wouldn't answer.  When we drove off, he text me, telling me to come back without my dad.  My dad told me to drop him off about a block away so he could still see me and then go.  More importantly my dad told me he loved me and would back me, no matter what.  With that, I faced him.  He shoved some of my possessions into my arms and closed the door.  I hadn't been invited to the house in a while.  The last time I was there, visiting with his family, the cat they rescued came to let me pet him.  The monster was amazed as the cat wouldn't come near him.  Small wonder.  Animals know people better than we know ourselves.

He called and begged me not to do this while I was having dinner with my dad.  When I said I couldn't, he flew into a rage.  I have blocked out whatever obscenities he may have hurled in my direction.  And this wasn't the end.

Over the course of the month, the girl who took him to the hospital went with me back to his house to demand the rest of my belongings.  He shoved them into my arms and threatened to come after us.  He began to jump into his mother's vehicle to follow us as we drove off.  At the end of April, he was spotted in that same girl's room.  I came to find out that in the span of a little over 4 months, he had been with 7 different women, not including myself.  My dorm mate and he got engaged ultimately and I had to suffer seeing him on campus for over a year.  He had lied to me about his name and his whole story.  All because he was a registered sex offender who didn't want to report his new location.  And I was completely in the dark about all of this.

The damage was done.  I lost my scholarship for a year.  My life was in shambles.  I thought of dark things daily.  My world was clouded over with despair.  I made more bad choices.  I was caught in the snarls of other men who were terrible to me and for me.  It wasn't until February of the following year that I got back into a better relationship.  Even then, I wasn't whole as I could be.

I am now engaged to a wonderful man who has taught me the true meaning of love.  He fits all the definitions seen above.  And I hope my Faith will help grow my Love too.  Over the last year, I have realized that I have been discovering the meaning of love all along, even with kissing my share of frogs.  I was learning to love my family again, the way I should love them.  I was also learning to love myself, little by little.  I still have a ways to go until I love myself without a second thought.  But love is something that always has to be discovered and rediscovered.  Even in long-standing marriages, those couples would tell you the spark takes effort to be warmed and maintained.  To love is easy.  To be in love takes work, dedication and compassion for the other person.  It is a two-way street.  If you are ever feeling taken advantage of, consider the life you want and the path you are walking.  Perhaps that will shine some clarity on the subject.  Until you come to collision time of love and life, please enjoy a little thing called "La Vie."

Having Hope

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Hope (verb):

(intransitive verb)

1: to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>

2 archaic: trust

 

(transitive verb)

1: to desire with expectation of obtainment

2: to expect with confidence : trust

 

Hope (noun):

 

1 archaic: trust, reliance

2 a: desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment <came in hopes of seeing you>;   also: expectation of fulfillment or success <no hope of a cure>

   b: someone or something on which hopes are centered <our only hope for victory>

   c: something hoped for

 

...Hope...

What is it?  What does it mean to you....to me...to our society?

As shown by the definitions provided, hope can act as two different parts of the sentence.  It can both be a noun and a verb.  That verb can be transitive (meaning it is an action on a third object) or intransitive (meaning it is impressed on ourselves).  With so many definitions, what does hope mean to us?

As children, we all had hope.  Remember hoping Santa would come down the chimney and flood the house with presents from top to bottom?  Remember on your birthday maybe going to bed with jitters in your stomach, hoping for that one thing you just couldn't live without?  Even as we started growing older, the hope still held on to us.  Hope for good grades, for a part in a school play or show, to make a sports team.  So....

where did all that hope go????

I think the more we become consciously aware of our personal impact on our lives, the less hope we have.  We begin to try and control outcomes, as opposed to hoping for them.  Hope is for those who don't have control, we might imagine.  But what if hope is exactly what we are missing in our lives?

 

I have noticed that I don't get too excited over things anymore.  Christmas isn't near as thrilling as it was when I was, say 6.  But is that because Christmas changed or because I changed my outlook on life and lost a bit of that child-like hope?

 

Remember Jim Carrey in How the Grinch Stole Christmas?  And Cindy Lou Who was trying to find her place.  She sang a song that read, "Where are you Christmas?/ Why can't I find you?/ Why have you gone away?/ My world is changing,/ I'm rearranging/ Does that mean Christmas changes too?"

 

Does it?  I think we all know the answer.  Christmas doesn't change but we change as adults and that impacts the world as we know it.  We lose the magic, the spark, the Hope that Christmas possess and entrances children with.  I know I miss having that.  It goes back to the Trust that children have that I wrote about a few days ago.  We lose Trust in our child-like whims and pleasures and think we will be OK without these things.  However, I believe we all need a little bit of Hope in our lives.

 

The changed necessary to bring hope back into the main picture will be monumental.  Those changes take time.  Hope now has to be replanted into society where it was so viciously uprooted and casted aside for better things, such as modernization.

 

But I know one thing I lost hope in was in my faith and belief system.  Now, I know not everyone is religious but maybe your belief system you lost hope in was yourself.  I know I lost hope in myself too.  It is a dark and desolate place, I wouldn't wish my enemies there even.  I have to replant that seed, replant Hope into my life.  I want to have hope for my family, my siblings, my loved ones and someday, my children.  I want to be able to get excited for them, with them and celebrate their hope.  It is difficult to do without having a bit of hope yourself, no?

 

I invite you to sit down and think about the last time you felt Hope.  I know I felt it faintly every time I applied for a job before I am at my current employer.  I felt Hope when my fiancé first started talking to me.  But I gave up on it.  Case in point: the day I started talking to the man who is now my fiancé, I told my mom that it would never work.  Despite my exposure to my parents' fairytale story, I told her that no one my age wants to work at long distance (he was in Virginia, I was in North Carolina).  That is is a diseas of our times. 

 

I didn't have hope....at a time when I should

have possessed it the most.....

Look at us now!

 

Hope and the ability to hope needs to be relearned.  Think about what brings you hope.  Recreate the moment.  I know it is something I need to do.  Right now, I am hoping to have a good time tomorrow with my fiancé on our first day date in a while.  I can't wait.  Until next time, enjoy this little thing...a thing called, "La Vie."



Exploring the Concept of Trust

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Trust (n) - a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone or something
                   b: one in which confidence is placed

Trust is something that is deemed so easy to have but easy to lose.  It is easy to come by in a child but harder to see in adults.  Yet, trust is said to be vital for relationships, friendships, family, even religion.  In fact, in my studies in school, trust was taught to be the basis of some political protocol as well.

When you meet a child on the street, they look at you with their wide-eyed faces, glowing and brimming with curiosity and questions.  In those eyes and in their actions, you can see a trust that they place in the very motions and interactions they hold with everyone, even new acquaintances.  Is this not the reason we have to warn our children of "stranger danger?"  Have you truly known any child to recognize a stranger without it being defined first?  Of course not.  They hold within them an endearing level of trust in people around them.

Yet, due to the world around us, we must rob them of this sense of trust.  If we were still in the mindset of "a village to raise a child," I do not doubt that this practice would not occur.  However, because we operate more as an "every family for themselves" mentality, our immediate families are becoming safe havens and circles of protection and trust (as in the movie, Meet the Parents).

Having this instilled within us from a young age paves the way for us and colors our future relationships as adults.  Although I was raised with knowledge of stranger danger and to be careful who you trust, I, forever the eternal optimist, have always had faith in man and mankind.  Therefore, I was far too trusting.  I can see my mother nodding her head enthusiastically, for she always told me this.  Because of my desire to want to trust and see, in my mind, the good in people, I went through a lot of hardships, a lot of bad relationships and situations.  To this day, I am still coping and rebuilding from those times.

Even now, in a loving and accepting relationship with my fiancé, the need to trust freely always needs to be called to mind.  He has never done anything to cause me to question him.  But my past colors and dyes my future as an Easter egg.  I find it difficult to live in the present sometimes without invoking the past.  And the same goes from him.  His past, his nightmares and past relationships, color his relationship with me.  I know I have never given him reason to doubt his unwavering trust, but I am certain that he has to remind himself to not let his past experiences reflect on his current life with me.  But knowing where the obstacles are is half the battle to conquering them.  With us both knowing where the other has been, we can better come together and move forward in a new light.

I mentioned trust in political protocol.  I studied International Relations and French during my years in college.  One of the most fascinating classes I had the privilege of taking was International Law.  This class was the study of law as it pertains between nations.  The most fascinating part and how it pertains to my discussion on trust: there is no world police force, no law enforcing body, no actual letter of law to follow.

Intriguing, isn't it?  How, you might ask, does the world and nations get managed?  Isn't there the United Nations and other governing bodies that can impose laws?  It would seem that way but all of these political bodies are voluntary.  The only thing the United Nations will do when a nation is no following the by-laws is enact sanctions on the nation that will be observed by everyone else in the United Nations.  Therefore, if a country is not in United Nations, they do not have to follow these sanctions. 

The other way trust comes into play is the concept of reciprocity.  Nations often come to agreements about certain items and problems on terms of reciprocity.  You scratch my back, I will scratch yours.  Basically, trust in the other's word.  We will drop our nuclear arms if you do the same.

The biggest and sometimes most difficult type of trust is Trust in Faith.  "+Jesus I Trust in You+" Words that carried Angela Faddis and her family through the darkest and final days.  If trust is so easily taken from us as children, is it difficult to hold on to enough to trust in the unknown?  The intangible?  This is where Faith comes in.  We cannot trust what we do not have Faith in.  Just like anything else in life.  All of the above examples require an amount of Faith in order for the Trust to be instilled.  I have faith in my fiancé so I can trust him.  Nations hold an amount of faith or confidence in other nations, so they hope to trust them.  But the hardest is to find Faith in what we believe to hold Trust in Him.

Tomorrow, I think I might start a trilogy on Faith, Hope and Love.  For today, I will close as I feel I have exhausted trust for the time being.  Perhaps trust will come up again.  Perhaps I will trust you, the reader, to tell you more about my past experiences which so shaped and formed my trust.  But for now, enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."