Patience is a Virtue

Patience (n):

1. The capacity, habit or fact of being patient (bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint)

Patience is something that we as people have always struggled with.  This is exacerbated by the fact that our society is an instantaneous one.  We want what we want now.  The irony of the JG Wentworth commercial (It's my money, I need it now!).  You may think what is wrong with this mindset?  We work hard, why shouldn't we expect something in return?  And we should get that reward immediately!  Yet "Patience is a virtue," and "Good things come to those who wait" have echoed my childhood and follow me into adulthood, as well.

A couple of days ago, I happened to catch "Sex and the City" on TV.  It was one of the final episodes.  You know, the one right before the movie?  In this episode, Charlotte and her husband (Harry, I think?) are trying to adopt a baby.  They thought they would have a child from a couple in Charlotte, NC.  However, once the couple got to New York, they revealed they changed their mind.  At the end of the episode, Harry comes in the door and says that he has something from China too (Charlotte said she got Chinese).  "They are giving us a baby," he said.

Cast of Sex and the City

"How?" Charlotte replies, puzzled.

"I guess God remembered our address," Harry says, smiling.  He holds up a picture, "And here she is."

All throughout the beginning of this episode, this couple was agonizing over the lack of having a child to adopt.  It proves to be a difficult process to endure, leading them to almost give up hope.  But with patience, they were blessed with the adoption of the little girl from China.  

The most annoying thing I have heard is that things don't happen in our time, it happens in God's time.  It always frustrates me.  I can't see the plan, I don't know where He is leading me, how can I trust so blindly and have patience in something I don't even understand?  That is why it is a virtue (a conformity to a standard of right; morality).

I wish I had more patience.  I wish I had more understanding of waiting and why the reason to wait.  I wish I didn't stress as much or handled it in a better way.  There are a lot of things I wish I could better myself with.  But I can only work at one thing at a time.  What better time to start than today?

....Or tomorrow....tomorrow may be better.  Hey, I didn't say procrastination wasn't a problem either!

The Road For Which I am Meant

A few days ago, I wrote about a dream I had.  I described it in as much detail as I was able to remember.  I also shared what my fiancé, who has a calling to the ministry, thought the dream meant.  In case you have forgotten and do not want to look back on an old post, the gist of it was this: I had come across an insurmountable hill on my bicycle and started sliding backwards.  Suddenly, it felt as though a hand was pushing me, without any assistance from my own pedaling.  I found myself on top of a beautiful mountain, a place where no one else could ever reach.  My fiancé shared with me that he felt it was God's way of telling me that He would always help me overcome, no matter what lies in my wake.

Yesterday afternoon, while I was on my way home from work, I began to think about my faith, God and the seemingly insurmountable objects I had conquered.  And a specific time came to mind. 

I moved to Virginia on November 30th, 2012 and began work at my place place of employment on the 3rd of December, 2012.  This is officially my first time ever moving out of my parents' home (not counting college, naturally) and my first time ever living with a boyfriend.  Work was progressing nicely and I was getting positive feedback all around from co-workers and clients alike.  Approximately 2-3 weeks into my new job, something happened that scared me.  This is about mid-December.  I work alternating weeks.  One week, I will work 9-6 (early), next week, I will work 12- 9 (late), and I work every Wednesday late.  It was a week I was working the late shift and I was coming home.  I was on the phone with my then-boyfriend, now fiancé, talking about my day.  I was driving in the right lane.  Suddenly, out of no where, a deer came darting from left to right and a collision occurred.

The deer got away but I felt as though the breath was stolen from my chest.  My poor fiancé was on the phone, the line quiet, possibly only hearing the heavy breathing being exhaled from my tightened chest.  He began to panic, I heard the concern in his voice.  I pulled over, I got out, still on the phone, and I walked around my car. 

The damage seemed cosmetic.  It was still functioning, just not pretty.  I got home and fiancé came out and looked over the car.  The only thing left to prove the existence of the deer was the fur it left, caught in the buckled hood of my first car.  We took pictures, I wrote my insurance agent and the recovery process began.

As soon as I got the go ahead to take it into a shop, I did.  They immediately put me into a rental car, saying the car was illegal to drive with the broken headlight (the lamp itself was still operational).  A few days later, I was told my car was a total loss.  The repairs would be too much to warrant the repair.  It was more than cosmetic.  I now had about 5 days to find a replacement.

I was scared.  I was afraid.  I wasn't prepared to make such a purchase.  Could I afford it?  I had student loans, I was living in a new place, I had a farther commute.

I don't know what happened or how it happened, I think I put a post out on Facebook about my plight.  My middle sister (who works part-time at a dealership) calls me. "We have a car here that is really nice.  It was just put on the lot.  You need to look at it.  I will send you the paperwork."

I did all the paperwork.  She calls me back, "They are asking about a car loan.  Did you co-sign your boyfriend's car?  You need to call and talk to them."  So I did.  I explained that the car in the accident was not the car I had just signed on a loan for.  I had to help my boyfriend.  He would have done it for me.

That Saturday, we went to the dealership to discuss the car and what the price might be per month.  I was cringing.  I was so concerned I wouldn't be able to afford it.  But I needed a car.  Christmas was next week!  I walk in and my sister was sitting in the receptionist chair:

"I am so jealous of you!  Wait until you hear your car payment!"

There were gentlemen around her.  One of them looked up and said, "I got your car payment to under $200.  That includes every insurance you can have on a vehicle."

I was shocked.  Something I could afford.  Something that wouldn't break the bank.  And a car that felt like a luxury car to me.  OK, so the electric locks don't work on the driver's door.  And the CD player went ca-put.  But it drives. 

I was thinking yesterday about how God must have had a hand in that intervention.  I was in a dark hour of despair.  I don't recall muttering a prayer for help but I very well may have.  But irregardless, He was there when I needed it.

The situation was very odd.  My fiancé told me then I should have driven in the left lane.  I told him it came from the left so that would have resulted in more damage.  My mom tells me it was a force of hand, but that I am fortunate to have found such a great deal.  My dad thought I got a good vehicle for the circumstances.  The very next day, I was engaged. 

I won't ever fully understand why things happen as they do.  It isn't my place to understand the phenomenon in life.  But acknowledging the significance of that occurrence in my life is a big step for me.  It is admitting that whether I acknowledged Him or not, He never stopped looking out for me.  If I reflect further back, I can see it throughout my life.  I am a very trusting person, which has its place.  But I put myself in some dangerous situations.  However, I always overcame the obstacles.  That's why I can enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Snow-Covered Dream

This weekend has been wild and the weather matched it to a T.  My fiancé and I woke on Sunday morning to a dreary day, planning to travel to Roanoke, VA to have a birthday celebration with one of his cousins.  Not even an hour later, I look out the window and snow was falling in heavy flakes onto the ground.  The world began to look colder.  We hurried to get to church only to find that services had been cancelled.  The birthday party was frozen, much as the world around us.  We decided to venture there, anyways, to visit his parents.

We had a glorious time.  I love my future in-laws greatly.  But the snow kept worrying me to no end.  What if we can't get out, I think.  What if I can't get to work?  What then?  My fiancé tried with all his might to calm me, but to no avail.  I had swung into a mini panic attack...OVER WORK!

I told him he wouldn't understand and I truly don't think he ever would.  How do you explain to someone that missing work is giving you a panic and anxiety attack?  That you feel your duty to your place of employment so strongly that it makes you feel sick to miss it.  Or how even when you are sick, you try everything in your will to get there or last there.  We got home safely and I am sitting in my pod, safely.  No worries, no anxiety.

Work seems to be like a constant in my life.  My father taught me a strong work ethic.  You look and ask for work if you don't have anything to do.  That is called job security.  When you have questions about things, you learn about it until you can't understand and then you ask for help.  That is called ambition.  Did my learning such a strong and powerful ethic cause me to go too extreme?

My fiancé would tell you that I am a worry wart.  Shoot, I would confess to that as well!  I worry constantly.  And yet, I tell the people around me to not worry about things they have no feasible control over.  So why can't I embrace that as well?

Saturday night, I had an interesting dream.  I was biking on a path and people were constantly biking around me.  I was moving slowly, but it was hilly as well.  And the hills got steeper and steeper until I finally reached a hill that was insurmountable on my own accord.  I felt myself rolling back and closed my eyes.  All of a sudden, I felt something pushing me up.  I was not peddling or using any of my own force.  I found myself at the top of the hill.  Furthermore, the top of that hill turned out to be the top of a mountain where no one else could reach.  I stopped there and gazed out in this view that no one else could or would ever witness and gasped.  I could see from shore to shore, boats in the harbor and houses in the villages around me.  I took pictures, inhaling the air and feeling the warm breeze.

Then, I woke up.

When I told my fiancé, he interpreted it the same way I did.  Perhaps it is God's way of telling me that nothing is insurmountable if I trust.  And I know I have a hard time trusting Him sometimes.  I worry and fret when truly, there is no reason.  If it is in His hands, He will find a way.  Maybe not now, not tomorrow or not for several years.  But it will happen...in His time.  But, until my time or your time comes to discover what is the answer, enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Married, with a Boyfriend

Long past is the time of world-wind romances and sweeping people off their feet.  If you watch the news and listen to the radio with any sort of consistency, you will undoubtedly hear about cheating and infidelity.  What actor/actress was found in the arms of a person NOT their spouse today?  Perhaps it was arranged that way, an open relationship.  I cannot imagine what the people of yesteryear would say to the ongoings of our current generation.

Now, before you jump all over me for my title, let me explain myself.  Yes, it is a bold statement but no, I am not wanting nor ever want to cheat on my fiancé.  So before you go try to track him down and warn him of the imminent danger he is walking into, please allow me to elaborate.

So often, couples complain about how after they were married, the sizzle fizzled.  This is often a reason given that people seek other partners: to find the sizzle again.  It is too much work to rekindle that fire and so much easier to stoke it with a stranger.  But I want to keep my fire alive.  I want to be both married to my fiancé AND for him to be my boyfriend.

Make sense now?

Of course, this will never be easy.  We would forever be hounded by the pressures surrounding us.  But it is the glimmer in his eyes that tells me this is possible.  Am I always willing? No and neither is he.  However, I know we can still be playful with each other.  We leave notes for each other and try to kiss one another as often as possible.  We cuddle and talk.  Our good-byes in the morning are long and our welcome home in the evenings can't come fast enough.  This is what I desire.  To be able to come home, to a strong, stable, amazing man who can also enjoy playing, flirting and loving me like we just met yesterday.

It is not without its problems.  We are not perfect, by far!  But we realize that we need to communicate and try to work through things rather than shrug them off.  Take last night as an example.  I had previously asked that he open up to me about his thoughts and feelings.  I want to be his girlfriend and future wife.  However, when he did, the girlfriend in me came out instead of the loving wife.  The girlfriend lashed out, not understanding fully what he was talking about or confused as to what to do.  The wife would have looked at him lovingly and filed everything he said in the back of her mind to use at a later point in time.  I was able to bring the wife forward but it was not without bruising his feelings and Ego first. 

If you are reading this, my Love, for that I am truly sorry <3

No relationship is perfect, true.  But a relationship is what you make it.  It can be sizzle, fire and spark or it can be dull, lifeless and wanting.  You have to seek in the other person what you need to be fulfilled.  And reach a compromise.  These are things that you can never stop seeking, for fear of losing that fire.  To stop looking for the one you love is to stop fighting for the relationship.

I have amends to make for the girlfriend coming out when it should have been the wife.  I realize that.  However, I know that my love for my fiancé is deeper than any love I have felt previously.  And I will fight tooth and nail to stay his support.  For now, all I can do is wait for the end of the day, to come home to my fiancé and his son, who will be with us this weekend.  Until that moment, I have to try to enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Discovering Love...Again

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Love (noun):


1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
      (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers
      (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests
 
    b : an assurance of affection


4 a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another:
   as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind
       (2) : brotherly concern for others

   b : a person's adoration of God

This may be the hardest thing to write.  One of them, at least.  To really explain my outlook on love and Love, I have to explain my experiences from Love.  This gives you, the reader, an opportunity to explore how I came to my viewpoint currently.

Currently, I am in love with an amazing man, engaged to be married and enjoying life each day as it comes.  But if you were to meet me in my freshman year of college, this girl did not exist.  This girl had yet to be discovered.

I had typical experiences in high school.  I had "boyfriends" but didn't kiss anyone until I was 17.  The boy that I kisses (that was outside of preschool, mind you.  I don't count that) was a gentleman.  We had a lot of good times.  Unfortunately, we met 2 weeks before I had to move away with my family.  Before then, love had played cruel games on me.  I was teased, picked on, lead on and told I was only fit to marry, but never date.  After the move, the relationship lasted only to the end of May, perhaps early June.  That was the last good relationship I would know in approximately 2 years.

My grandmother passed away and plunged into a downward spiral.  I was used and tossed aside like a rag doll.  I won't go into detail now, perhaps another time.  One story at a time, like the 40 Arabian Nights.  I had extremely low self-esteem.  I hated the person in the mirror.  I was an object, subjected to the whims and fancy of those around me.  I didn't know what else to do.

December of 2006, I thought things would turn around.  I started talking to a guy on Myspace.  Remember that social media site?  He seemed like a gentleman and we made plans to meet.  I was in college in Hickory, NC and he lived in Gastonia, NC.  I drove to meet him on his turf.  I ignored the red flags.  What could I do?  He wanted me...

The first time I met him, I don't remember much.  The one thing that sticks out in my mind is the fact that he got a letter, addressed to someone else.  He said he couldn't receive mail under his own name.  That should have been the first warning to run as fast as I could.

But I didn't.  Like an idiot, I stayed.  And like I deserved, he began to take my liberties.  He took control of my life.  My clothes, my debit card, my card, my things.  Nothing was mine.  I felt as though I had to do this because he was right in what he said.  No one loves me.  No one cares...except him.

I remember one night, we went to a country bar in Charlotte, NC.  I was so excited to go out.  He had brought a friend with him, another guy.  I had to pay the cover for all of us.  That night, I was dancing and having fun when someone bumped into me.  Being who I am, I hip bumped the guy back, making light of a crowded situation.  I looked over at my boyfriend and saw fire in his eyes.  Terror flooded my mind and my receptors.  He had threatened to leave me on the roadside before.  To take my liberty even further.  I walked over, my head hanging to my chest.  He accused me of cheating with that man, the man I was hip bumping.  No amount of pleading would make him believe me.  I was so scared.

This was probably not the first time terror was brought into my life by this monster.  But it wasn't the last.  I remember I would drive the hour to see him on a school night.  I would try to leave when I thought he was asleep at 11 pm, at which he would wake up and ask me where I was going.  Saying he didn't want me to leave.  And with that, I would stay.  I would drive back to school at 4 or 5 am, nearly falling asleep at the wheel.  Several times, I fell asleep while on the road, waking with a start at the swerving motion the vehicle was being subjected to.  I remember him seeing me in nice clothes and telling me I was clearly cheating on him.  I had a conversation with a classmate and I was sleeping with him.  I was told to wear baggy shirts and ripped jeans.  But this person was the only one person who loved me.  He told me so...

On Valentine's day, my parents gave me a gift card to get myself something as a gift from them.  I handed it to him, the monster, thinking he might get me something, give him a way to buy me a gift without his own money.  He bought me a 99 cent rose.  The card was not returned to me.  There were other gifts in the car.  Mine was an after thought.

I was a part of the school's a Capella choir.  Every spring, they would go on a spring tour, traveling to some place and sing at different churches along the route.  But that's when things got odd.  I called and he said he was in the hospital.  He told me a dorm mate of mine took him there.  Should have been yet another red flag.

During our intimate moments, he would be on the computer, talking to other girls.  I was an after thought.  Yet I thought he held me as the center of his world.  How blind was I!  After coming home from the spring tour, I found a hospital bill in my car with a different name on it.  Not his.  But someones...he couldn't explain how it got there.  I went home for St Patrick's day and celebrated with my family.  My parents, especially my mom, kept asking me if I was OK, that I didn't look well.  My grades were suffering, although I didn't tell anyone.  I didn't have the strength to get out of bed.  I was about to lose my scholarship, although I won't know this until it was too late.  A few weeks after St Patrick's day was Easter.  I told him I was going home for Easter.  He complained but ultimately capitulated.  And that trip and what occurred afterward probably saved my life.

I came back from visiting home and began to clean out my car.  He had left it littered with trash and various sundries of things.  But then, my hand came to rest on an item that shocked me to discover.  A knife.  There was a knife hidden under the driver's seat of my car.  I was shaken to the core.  I broke down and began sobbing again.  I couldn't ever seem to stop crying.  My life became a series of tears and sleep, the only things my body had the energy for.  I knew then that it had to be over.  With that knife, my life could have been over in a fit of rage.  And it was not the knife I had bought him.

The end of that relationship or rather reign of terror came with the help of my parents.  He had confiscated my iPod and other various sundries of my possessions.  I couldn't face him alone.  I asked my dad to go with me.  He obliged me.  When we approached the door, I knew he was inside.  He wouldn't answer.  When we drove off, he text me, telling me to come back without my dad.  My dad told me to drop him off about a block away so he could still see me and then go.  More importantly my dad told me he loved me and would back me, no matter what.  With that, I faced him.  He shoved some of my possessions into my arms and closed the door.  I hadn't been invited to the house in a while.  The last time I was there, visiting with his family, the cat they rescued came to let me pet him.  The monster was amazed as the cat wouldn't come near him.  Small wonder.  Animals know people better than we know ourselves.

He called and begged me not to do this while I was having dinner with my dad.  When I said I couldn't, he flew into a rage.  I have blocked out whatever obscenities he may have hurled in my direction.  And this wasn't the end.

Over the course of the month, the girl who took him to the hospital went with me back to his house to demand the rest of my belongings.  He shoved them into my arms and threatened to come after us.  He began to jump into his mother's vehicle to follow us as we drove off.  At the end of April, he was spotted in that same girl's room.  I came to find out that in the span of a little over 4 months, he had been with 7 different women, not including myself.  My dorm mate and he got engaged ultimately and I had to suffer seeing him on campus for over a year.  He had lied to me about his name and his whole story.  All because he was a registered sex offender who didn't want to report his new location.  And I was completely in the dark about all of this.

The damage was done.  I lost my scholarship for a year.  My life was in shambles.  I thought of dark things daily.  My world was clouded over with despair.  I made more bad choices.  I was caught in the snarls of other men who were terrible to me and for me.  It wasn't until February of the following year that I got back into a better relationship.  Even then, I wasn't whole as I could be.

I am now engaged to a wonderful man who has taught me the true meaning of love.  He fits all the definitions seen above.  And I hope my Faith will help grow my Love too.  Over the last year, I have realized that I have been discovering the meaning of love all along, even with kissing my share of frogs.  I was learning to love my family again, the way I should love them.  I was also learning to love myself, little by little.  I still have a ways to go until I love myself without a second thought.  But love is something that always has to be discovered and rediscovered.  Even in long-standing marriages, those couples would tell you the spark takes effort to be warmed and maintained.  To love is easy.  To be in love takes work, dedication and compassion for the other person.  It is a two-way street.  If you are ever feeling taken advantage of, consider the life you want and the path you are walking.  Perhaps that will shine some clarity on the subject.  Until you come to collision time of love and life, please enjoy a little thing called "La Vie."

Having Hope

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Hope (verb):

(intransitive verb)

1: to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>

2 archaic: trust

 

(transitive verb)

1: to desire with expectation of obtainment

2: to expect with confidence : trust

 

Hope (noun):

 

1 archaic: trust, reliance

2 a: desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment <came in hopes of seeing you>;   also: expectation of fulfillment or success <no hope of a cure>

   b: someone or something on which hopes are centered <our only hope for victory>

   c: something hoped for

 

...Hope...

What is it?  What does it mean to you....to me...to our society?

As shown by the definitions provided, hope can act as two different parts of the sentence.  It can both be a noun and a verb.  That verb can be transitive (meaning it is an action on a third object) or intransitive (meaning it is impressed on ourselves).  With so many definitions, what does hope mean to us?

As children, we all had hope.  Remember hoping Santa would come down the chimney and flood the house with presents from top to bottom?  Remember on your birthday maybe going to bed with jitters in your stomach, hoping for that one thing you just couldn't live without?  Even as we started growing older, the hope still held on to us.  Hope for good grades, for a part in a school play or show, to make a sports team.  So....

where did all that hope go????

I think the more we become consciously aware of our personal impact on our lives, the less hope we have.  We begin to try and control outcomes, as opposed to hoping for them.  Hope is for those who don't have control, we might imagine.  But what if hope is exactly what we are missing in our lives?

 

I have noticed that I don't get too excited over things anymore.  Christmas isn't near as thrilling as it was when I was, say 6.  But is that because Christmas changed or because I changed my outlook on life and lost a bit of that child-like hope?

 

Remember Jim Carrey in How the Grinch Stole Christmas?  And Cindy Lou Who was trying to find her place.  She sang a song that read, "Where are you Christmas?/ Why can't I find you?/ Why have you gone away?/ My world is changing,/ I'm rearranging/ Does that mean Christmas changes too?"

 

Does it?  I think we all know the answer.  Christmas doesn't change but we change as adults and that impacts the world as we know it.  We lose the magic, the spark, the Hope that Christmas possess and entrances children with.  I know I miss having that.  It goes back to the Trust that children have that I wrote about a few days ago.  We lose Trust in our child-like whims and pleasures and think we will be OK without these things.  However, I believe we all need a little bit of Hope in our lives.

 

The changed necessary to bring hope back into the main picture will be monumental.  Those changes take time.  Hope now has to be replanted into society where it was so viciously uprooted and casted aside for better things, such as modernization.

 

But I know one thing I lost hope in was in my faith and belief system.  Now, I know not everyone is religious but maybe your belief system you lost hope in was yourself.  I know I lost hope in myself too.  It is a dark and desolate place, I wouldn't wish my enemies there even.  I have to replant that seed, replant Hope into my life.  I want to have hope for my family, my siblings, my loved ones and someday, my children.  I want to be able to get excited for them, with them and celebrate their hope.  It is difficult to do without having a bit of hope yourself, no?

 

I invite you to sit down and think about the last time you felt Hope.  I know I felt it faintly every time I applied for a job before I am at my current employer.  I felt Hope when my fiancé first started talking to me.  But I gave up on it.  Case in point: the day I started talking to the man who is now my fiancé, I told my mom that it would never work.  Despite my exposure to my parents' fairytale story, I told her that no one my age wants to work at long distance (he was in Virginia, I was in North Carolina).  That is is a diseas of our times. 

 

I didn't have hope....at a time when I should

have possessed it the most.....

Look at us now!

 

Hope and the ability to hope needs to be relearned.  Think about what brings you hope.  Recreate the moment.  I know it is something I need to do.  Right now, I am hoping to have a good time tomorrow with my fiancé on our first day date in a while.  I can't wait.  Until next time, enjoy this little thing...a thing called, "La Vie."



Finding Faith

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Faith (n.):

1 a: allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty

   b (1): fidelity to one's promises       (2): sincerity of intentions

 

2 a (1): belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2): belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion

   b (1): firm belief in something for which there is no proof       (2): complete trust

 

I invite you to review the definitions of Faith provided by Merriam-Webster Online.  Reflect that the first definition, a more secular one, is geared more towards our interactions as men and women of this Earth.  Notice it is defined as a loyalty to a duty or a person.  Thus why we say such things as, "I have faith in you."

 

Reflect, now, on the second definition.  This is clearly the more religious undertaking of the term, more commonly referred to, not as faith, but as Faith.  The reason I capitalize it is due to the fact that it is referring to an intangible and incomprehensible power.  To God.  It also gives it differentiation in my writings.  I can talk about my faith in others and my Faith in God.  But this is more than reflections of faith and the definition thereof.  This is about finding Faith.

 

As I mentioned in my first entry, I am Catholic.  However, as the majority of people experience, events in my life caused me to pause and turn slightly from my Faith and system of beliefs.  I stopped attending church.  I cried everytime I was there.  The sorrow filled me to the brim and I felt as though my chest was heavy.  I couldn't walk in there.  I felt it was a lie.  I felt misguided and wandering, like in the desert, searching for answers.  All along, I know I should have kept going.  Hindsight is 20/20.  But I was in college.  I had better things to do, right?

 

I knew best.

 

Well, several forks in the road, disastrous turns and other good intentions gone bad, I had come full circle.  I didn't know it yet, of course.  I still felt lost.  Honestly, I can't put my finger on the moment that I came to realize that church was exactly where I needed to be.  I know when I met my fiancé, I initially rebuked church, saying I could be OK on my own.  Finally, we went to the church he attended at that time and I succumbed to tears.  It was around Mother's Day, I believe.  I don't know what song it was or how it came to pass, but I cried.  And I needed to cry.

 

Too long, I had held back my emotions.  The hurt, pain, tears, fears and everything that held me back.  I had been bottled, capped and set on a shelf until that point of expiration.  And I exploded.

 

I know that day, the pastor made us seek another place to worship.  His words were not of the Christian spirit in our hearts.  But the service invoked memories in me that had been part of a catalyst to my downward spiral: memories of my Nanna

 

Nanna, my maternal grandmother, was a remarkable woman.  I remember coming home from elementary school and going to the apartment my family had built for her joining our home.  Three steps separated our house and hers.  Three steps and a laundry room.  I loved hearing stories of my grandfather, who passes away before my birth.  To see his metals from World War 2 and to talk to her about her experiences.  But most of all, I think about the Bible she gave me.  And the inscription she wrote on the inside page.  Although I do not currently remember verbatim and do not have it with me for easy reference, it encouraged me to continue my walk with Christ.

 

The spring of my Junior year in high school, we moved.  I changed high schools.  I put on a brave face.  And it didn't leave for years.  During that summer, my dad had taken me and my two younger sisters to the beach.  Mom called, urging us home.  Nanna was slipping from us.  The day my mom came home and told me Nanna had passed caused my world to crumble.  Although she told all of us there was an enormous amount of peace following her last breath, I was immediately lost.  In the span of 4 months, approximately, I felt as though I had lost my home and a piece of my world.

 

I didn't cry at her funeral.  I told myself I couldn't.  They played my favorite hymn, "On Eagle's Wings," yet not a tear escaped me.  This is what she would want, I lied to myself.  I didn't mourn, truthfully mourn, her death until about the beginning or a little before 2012.

 

My fiancé has started to bring me back to center.  My family, now more than ever, is my rock.  They have always been there but I have been too blind and lost to see them at the end of my nose.  The day I began mourning for my Nanna was the day I could begin to heal.  To begin to forgive all those who had trespassed against me and who I had trespassed.  To forgive myself for the years of hurt and affliction I had put myself through.  Am I better?  No.  Even to this day, the hate that had consumed me for years still comes boiling over.  On those days, even the sun can't make me come from the shadows.  On those days, I know I am not myself.  But in healing, we must still hurt.  And this is a healing that is more than physical or mental.  It is also emotional and spiritual.  Not only must I mend the relationships between me and the people I know on Earth, but mend the relationship I had lost with God.  I have to have both faith and Faith.

 

I continue to search for the complete inner peace that we all want ultimately.  I know I will find it.  It may take some deep soul searching and consideration, but it is possible.  And this blog is a part of that.  I think it will help me find some of my inner peace I know I need.  And so, I continue my journey of finding Faith and faith.  I will have more to write tomorrow.  Enjoy a thing called "La Vie."

Exploring the Concept of Trust

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Trust (n) - a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone or something
                   b: one in which confidence is placed

Trust is something that is deemed so easy to have but easy to lose.  It is easy to come by in a child but harder to see in adults.  Yet, trust is said to be vital for relationships, friendships, family, even religion.  In fact, in my studies in school, trust was taught to be the basis of some political protocol as well.

When you meet a child on the street, they look at you with their wide-eyed faces, glowing and brimming with curiosity and questions.  In those eyes and in their actions, you can see a trust that they place in the very motions and interactions they hold with everyone, even new acquaintances.  Is this not the reason we have to warn our children of "stranger danger?"  Have you truly known any child to recognize a stranger without it being defined first?  Of course not.  They hold within them an endearing level of trust in people around them.

Yet, due to the world around us, we must rob them of this sense of trust.  If we were still in the mindset of "a village to raise a child," I do not doubt that this practice would not occur.  However, because we operate more as an "every family for themselves" mentality, our immediate families are becoming safe havens and circles of protection and trust (as in the movie, Meet the Parents).

Having this instilled within us from a young age paves the way for us and colors our future relationships as adults.  Although I was raised with knowledge of stranger danger and to be careful who you trust, I, forever the eternal optimist, have always had faith in man and mankind.  Therefore, I was far too trusting.  I can see my mother nodding her head enthusiastically, for she always told me this.  Because of my desire to want to trust and see, in my mind, the good in people, I went through a lot of hardships, a lot of bad relationships and situations.  To this day, I am still coping and rebuilding from those times.

Even now, in a loving and accepting relationship with my fiancé, the need to trust freely always needs to be called to mind.  He has never done anything to cause me to question him.  But my past colors and dyes my future as an Easter egg.  I find it difficult to live in the present sometimes without invoking the past.  And the same goes from him.  His past, his nightmares and past relationships, color his relationship with me.  I know I have never given him reason to doubt his unwavering trust, but I am certain that he has to remind himself to not let his past experiences reflect on his current life with me.  But knowing where the obstacles are is half the battle to conquering them.  With us both knowing where the other has been, we can better come together and move forward in a new light.

I mentioned trust in political protocol.  I studied International Relations and French during my years in college.  One of the most fascinating classes I had the privilege of taking was International Law.  This class was the study of law as it pertains between nations.  The most fascinating part and how it pertains to my discussion on trust: there is no world police force, no law enforcing body, no actual letter of law to follow.

Intriguing, isn't it?  How, you might ask, does the world and nations get managed?  Isn't there the United Nations and other governing bodies that can impose laws?  It would seem that way but all of these political bodies are voluntary.  The only thing the United Nations will do when a nation is no following the by-laws is enact sanctions on the nation that will be observed by everyone else in the United Nations.  Therefore, if a country is not in United Nations, they do not have to follow these sanctions. 

The other way trust comes into play is the concept of reciprocity.  Nations often come to agreements about certain items and problems on terms of reciprocity.  You scratch my back, I will scratch yours.  Basically, trust in the other's word.  We will drop our nuclear arms if you do the same.

The biggest and sometimes most difficult type of trust is Trust in Faith.  "+Jesus I Trust in You+" Words that carried Angela Faddis and her family through the darkest and final days.  If trust is so easily taken from us as children, is it difficult to hold on to enough to trust in the unknown?  The intangible?  This is where Faith comes in.  We cannot trust what we do not have Faith in.  Just like anything else in life.  All of the above examples require an amount of Faith in order for the Trust to be instilled.  I have faith in my fiancé so I can trust him.  Nations hold an amount of faith or confidence in other nations, so they hope to trust them.  But the hardest is to find Faith in what we believe to hold Trust in Him.

Tomorrow, I think I might start a trilogy on Faith, Hope and Love.  For today, I will close as I feel I have exhausted trust for the time being.  Perhaps trust will come up again.  Perhaps I will trust you, the reader, to tell you more about my past experiences which so shaped and formed my trust.  But for now, enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."