Overcome Hills in Life

My Molly girl

This morning started with the alarm going off at 6:45....then 7:00 and again at 7:15 when I finally found the willpower to get out of bed and begin piling on the layers for my walk. The first in a series of walks. My husband came along and helped me with walking the puppies. We come down the street and come to my arch nemesis: a hill that is incredibly steep and two fold. About halfway up, there is a road that breaks off and continues an a perpendicular direction. That is the route we took, winded and feeling the burn in our legs already. We come back to the house, clean up and I make myself breakfast once I see my husband off to work. In this quiet moment of reflection, I began to think of how much in life that hill can represent.

My Nemesis....dum dum daaaaah

For the longest time, I would avoid walks because that hill is so daunting. When I go up the hill, I feel so tired and cannot continue up but rather cut to the side road and continue my direction in that way. By the time I get home, my legs are as jelly. But how much can this really be in life?

How many things do we come across in life that we feel intimidated by? Perhaps we do not even want to try the thing that intimidates us due to fearing failure. However, we cannot go through life avoiding things we do not want to face. And when we do face them, perhaps we do not have to take it all at once. Perhaps there is a side road we can take at first until we are ready to conquer the entire hill. Conquering this things in life should be treated similarly to running a marathon: you shouldn't expect to wake up one morning, having never gone running and expecting to win the entire race. We have to exercise ourselves and our abilities, taking small things to start and building to the biggest obstacle we face. That is my plan: start on the beginning of the hill until I am strong enough to take the whole hill at once.

But it is reward enough. To come home and look up at the clock and see that at 8:30 AM, though tired, I have already gone walking, taken a shower and preparing a breakfast is its own reward. This time last week, I would have just woken up and lazed in my pajamas until about 10. And breakfast was good this morning: honey-wheat toast with hazelnut spread, grits with cheese and tea with milk and sugar. Lunch is packed and I am just writing/talking with you all.

Yummy!

Myfitnesspal

Some tips if you want to take a calorie counting journey: find an app or program that works for you. My first go around in college I used Calorie Counter through about.com. Currently, I am using myfitnesspal an app my sister recommended to me. Both of them along with any other calorie counter apps, will take into account your current weight, your weight loss goal, your lifestyle and calculate how much you should eat a day and assist you in tracking not on your calories but other aspects of you meal as well (total fat, sodium, vitamins, etc). Enjoy today, look forward to tomorrow and revel in this thing called La Vie.

Forever a Journey

A path we walk can either be well-lit or need a latern.

I had such an enjoyable weekend!  Making friends is not left to just little kids.  My fiancé and I had invited a couple over who has a little boy not much younger than my soon-to-be stepson.  Kind of cool to say...stepson!  Anyways, we had a blast talking and laughing at our little boys interacting.  My cheeks thoroughly ached from all the fits of laughter I flew into.  Afterall, what is better than the sound of laughter?

I am so very glad I started this blog.  It is so renewing for me.  I get to explore the world as I see it, not restricted or censored in any manner.  My fiancé has told me he admires the way I write.  This past week, he commented that with the way I write, I should write a book.

"But I don't know what I would write about," I exclaimed.

"Write what you are writing now.  Make a collection and call it, 'Inspirations,'" he encouraged.

This made me think.  Dangerous thing, I know. What I have come to realize is this: I love writing.  I always have loved writing.  I use to write practice essays when home from school on made up topics.  I also use to make up my own math problems.  That is another issue entirely.

I meditated on this for a long time.  What would I write?  What did I have to say?  Would anyone want to read it?  I decided what I suppose a lot of writers ultimately decide.  If I am going to write anything, I should write something I would read or what I enjoy reading.  My whole purpose behind this blog is to communicate my experiences and what I have gone through.  To express myself and my point of view.  There has been two aspects in my life that have been crucial in building my point of view and my world: books and music.

How can I merge this with my writing?  Do they even merge?  I had thought about taking selected pieces of my blog out and elaborating on it.  Then it came to me.  I can present different pieces of music I love, different quotes from plays, movies, the Bible or poetry and connect it to a life experience to indulge upon.  I already began writing a list.  A lot of them come from my years in the Lenoir-Rhyne A Cappella Choir.

When I say "Forever a Journey," I do mean forever.  My journey with my fiancé who will become my husband in October.  My journey with my family, his family and, someday, our family.  My journey with my friends.  My journey with my career and my life choices, both those in the past, present and future.  Always remembering that what we do and have done does not define who we are.  It only helps make us who we can be.

Brick by Brick

Last night, my fiancé and I had just finished dinner and we were enjoying watching TV.  I told him I had sent him an email about a house I had seen online.  From there, we again commenced our quest to finding our future home.  We shared pictures, descriptions and appearances, concerns and excitement.  It was fun to think about of course, especially being two adults living in a 2 BR/1 BA apartment.

Come the morning following an evening such as this, my mind begins to wonder the various loopholes and traps that might be lying in our path.  We have to consider our finances, I tell him.  What about the down payment, the water, insurance, taxes?

In his cool, calm, collected way, he laughs over the phone and reassures me:

We will be okay.  We just have to pray and things will work out.

 

I drive to work thinking about how we are not even yet married and considering buying a home.  Are we putting the cart before the horse?  Or perhaps, are we building our home too fast?  Whenever you look at a home, do you ever think of how long the construction actually took?  Or do you just see a pretty façade and a few potential problems, a money pit or a dream come true?

 

I realized in a past job of mine how often we over look things.  I worked in the sign industry.  You read it right.  I watched sign being built, repaired, conceived, priced and sold.  I remember thinking that I had never thought about how every sign I saw needed to be made.  And made in a certain way!  Later in my job, I had to work in the vinyl department, cutting and laying vinyl for signs.  I learned quickly that you can do things in a certain order to get everything looking pristine or do them how you want and potentially end up with a less than uniform mess.

 

Considering that, are we building our home, our life too fast?  I suppose if we weren't considering the fundamentals of our life together, we would be.  We would be building a shell without having a firm foundation nor a way to fill the walls.  However, I am lucky that my fiancé and I share a lot of the fundamental morals that come into question during any relationship.  Sure we differ in some areas.  But we are two different people and that happens.  My favorite quote about marriage is:

 

Marriage is a perfect union entered into by two imperfect people.

 

So generally, we are similar.  We can say our foundation is poured.  We even have some of the frame work built.  We are experiencing living together, the division of responsibilities and discussions of the financial sorts.  And we are being cautious.  We discussed this morning about sitting down with all the numbers and complying what we think is possible.  This includes bills, loans, possible things in the future, financing of a home and other various items of our household.  So I think the framework is close to being done.

 

To fill a house, to make it a home, it has to be filled to the rafters, to the brim, with Love.  And that Love can come from a variety of different sources.  It should be Love for yourselves as individuals and as a couple, Love from your families and their support, as well as Love in the divine sense.  Whatever your belief system, I am sure you feel an embrace from the world sometimes.  It is time to embrace back.

 

No relationship is ever completely built.  My fiancé and I will be building our relationship until the end of our days (God willing).  And even then, I am sure, if you could ask us if our relationship was completely, I feel we would still tell you it needs work.  This is due to the fact that relationships are not slapped together and left to stand the test of time.  They are a work of art that constantly needs to be updated, perfected and improved upon.  Perhaps one day, I will need to work less and spend more time at home.  Perhaps one day, we will have to work more to have a home.  But it is those intricacies, the salient motion of relationships that not only make it more difficult to maintain, but more rewarding as well. 

 

So as I take you on the journey of building my relationship brick by brick, I hope you enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."



Narrowly Avoiding Disaster

Every morning, when I drive to work, I pass by some beautiful landscape. There is a huge farm that I can always see to my right, followed by different properties that make anyone ready to settle down. It can also prove to be distracting. Along my route this morning, I spotted a crow in the middle of the road. As we know, most birds fly off as soon as a car comes near. But never a crow. If you watch, they take their time.

My little crow this morning literally took three steps and then two hops...to simply get into the other lane! Although he was safe from me and the vehicle immediately behind me, he was lying in the wake of a vehicle too far for him to notice. Seeing this caused me to think about how much we can be like crows. We do just enough to step out of immediate harm's way, only to not foresee the danger coming up fast behind us.

Are we simply dancing in the road, teasing those potential dangers as a matador would a bull? Why do we do this to ourselves?

I spent the rest of my drive trying to consider what situations I may have narrowly avoided, only to put myself in the wake of something bigger. A good analogy would be scenarios from when I was in school. I commonly could skate through classes with minimal studying required on my part. I would pass each test, but never without sweating it out (not a good test taker, mind you). Needless to say, when the final, comprehensive test came along, I realized I had narrowly avoided immediate danger to only place myself in a more precarious situation. The same can be said for how I often would write papers. My final year in college, I wrote the bulk of my final papers the night before they were due. Sure, I wrote outlines and did my research. I even had thorough notes for each one. But that one night was spent in a flurry of desperate activity, mad I procrastinated.

I had done minimal work for minimal reward in each situation. While the immediate reward was great, it left me with something more monumental to consider later in the year. This does not simply apply to school work, either. There can be circumstances in work, personal life, relationships, even your Faith where this can be demonstrated.

For example, at work, you take each day as it comes, setting up the files and having them on hand. Then, suddenly, your superior wants a full, comprehensive document you created with all the values inputted from the time of conception. If you were only taking it day-by-day, you may not have entered every value necessary.

In relationships, this is commonly known as "too little, too late." Have you ever talked to a friend who tells you they didn't realize it until it was too late that their love was gone? Bruno Mars just had a song come out that capitalizes on this situation:

(Chorus)

Hmmm too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers and held your hand
Should have gave you all my hours when I had the chance
Take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby is dancing, but she's dancing with another man.

We get as much as we give. If we do the bare minimum in our lives to get by, can we truly say we are living life to the fullest? Instead of buying that diamond for your significant other when it's too late, why not do little things to reinforce how much you value that person? I know I try to do this with my fiancé. It isn't always perfect and doesn't always work out. But hopefully he knows from my efforts that I love him.

He does the same for me. One night, when it was snowing and I worked late, I came out to my car. It was encased in ice, about a quarter inch thick! I turned the key in my door and pulled hard, almost falling on the ice around my car. And what was inside, but an ice scraper and a note from my fiancé telling me that he can't wait to see me and to be careful driving home. No diamond. No riches. Just his emotions and love written in a note and shown in an ice scraper.

So the next time you are faced with this scenario in any situation in life, why not avoid moving into the next lane like the crow and fly out of the road instead? Take proactive measures to anything. Believe me, I need to take my own advice! Instead of narrowly avoiding disaster, why not take steps to stay out of harm’s way? So please, don't play in the streets and enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Date Night in Oz

What a crazy weekend!  On Friday, my fiancé and I witnessed the building next door burning.  Fortunately, any fire was contained to one apartment, but no lack of smoke damage was sustained in the other apartments.  Please pray for those people who are currently living out of a motel.

On Saturday, we went to see Oz: The Great and Powerful, with another couple after dinner.  It is an excellent movie, I highly recommend you see it.  Although, I told my fiancé that any child of mine will have to suffer through The Wizard of Oz before seeing the "prequel."  The mysticism of it all is gone when you see this movie first.  But watching the movie caused me to reflect on the symbolism of the Wicked Witch of the West being green.  I will try to talk about this without going into great detail.  The last thing I want to be is a spoiler.

The Wicked Witch of the West has been portrayed as green in the original movie, as well as this new prequel.  But what can this mean.  Green is often associated with envy, as well as jealousy.  If we think about the original movie, the Wicked Witch is envious of the ruby red slippers, as well as jealous of Dorothy getting them.  Water causes her to melt, disintegrate into the ground as though she never existed before.  Water often symbolizes cleanliness, perhaps starting of a new life.  This is especially true when you consider Christian themes within the movie.  Water is typically a symbol of baptism, baptize meaning, "2a: to purify or cleanse spiritually especially by a purging experience or ordeal." 

Typically, baptism is seen as a cleansing from Original Sin, the term most commonly used in the Christian faith to refer to the disobedience of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.  This is also the reason that the name is given here.  It is similar to giving the child a "new identity" so to speak.  In the Catholic faith, later in the child's life they will undergo the Rite of Confirmation.  This is a sacrament in which the adult affirms their faith in the Catholic church.  They also choose a new name, typically based on a saint.  I went through this process.  My chosen name is Catherine.  This name is marked in the books as a part of the new identity.

But why would the Wicked Witch have this reaction to water?  I read today that this was L. Frank Baum's nod to history, when accused witches would be thrown into water to see if they would drown.  If the accused sank, they would be innocent.  If they floated, they were guilty.  I can also imagine this analogy being used as witches are typically deemed evil and can only be expunged with holy water.

I did a Google search for "L Frank Baum Christian themes" and a lot of different sites came up, explaining the potential congruities between The Wizard of Oz and the Bible.  I think there are also a lot of similarities between the movie as well as history.  The "prequel" draws a lot of allusion to the original movie, which is nice to see.  Still....no child of mine will see the newer one without seeing the older one first.

Well I recommend you have a date night with your significant other and go see a movie, go out to dinner, or how about a quiet picnic on your living room floor.  What you do doesn't have to cost money...it just has to mean something.  In the meantime, enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Having Hope

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Hope (verb):

(intransitive verb)

1: to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>

2 archaic: trust

 

(transitive verb)

1: to desire with expectation of obtainment

2: to expect with confidence : trust

 

Hope (noun):

 

1 archaic: trust, reliance

2 a: desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment <came in hopes of seeing you>;   also: expectation of fulfillment or success <no hope of a cure>

   b: someone or something on which hopes are centered <our only hope for victory>

   c: something hoped for

 

...Hope...

What is it?  What does it mean to you....to me...to our society?

As shown by the definitions provided, hope can act as two different parts of the sentence.  It can both be a noun and a verb.  That verb can be transitive (meaning it is an action on a third object) or intransitive (meaning it is impressed on ourselves).  With so many definitions, what does hope mean to us?

As children, we all had hope.  Remember hoping Santa would come down the chimney and flood the house with presents from top to bottom?  Remember on your birthday maybe going to bed with jitters in your stomach, hoping for that one thing you just couldn't live without?  Even as we started growing older, the hope still held on to us.  Hope for good grades, for a part in a school play or show, to make a sports team.  So....

where did all that hope go????

I think the more we become consciously aware of our personal impact on our lives, the less hope we have.  We begin to try and control outcomes, as opposed to hoping for them.  Hope is for those who don't have control, we might imagine.  But what if hope is exactly what we are missing in our lives?

 

I have noticed that I don't get too excited over things anymore.  Christmas isn't near as thrilling as it was when I was, say 6.  But is that because Christmas changed or because I changed my outlook on life and lost a bit of that child-like hope?

 

Remember Jim Carrey in How the Grinch Stole Christmas?  And Cindy Lou Who was trying to find her place.  She sang a song that read, "Where are you Christmas?/ Why can't I find you?/ Why have you gone away?/ My world is changing,/ I'm rearranging/ Does that mean Christmas changes too?"

 

Does it?  I think we all know the answer.  Christmas doesn't change but we change as adults and that impacts the world as we know it.  We lose the magic, the spark, the Hope that Christmas possess and entrances children with.  I know I miss having that.  It goes back to the Trust that children have that I wrote about a few days ago.  We lose Trust in our child-like whims and pleasures and think we will be OK without these things.  However, I believe we all need a little bit of Hope in our lives.

 

The changed necessary to bring hope back into the main picture will be monumental.  Those changes take time.  Hope now has to be replanted into society where it was so viciously uprooted and casted aside for better things, such as modernization.

 

But I know one thing I lost hope in was in my faith and belief system.  Now, I know not everyone is religious but maybe your belief system you lost hope in was yourself.  I know I lost hope in myself too.  It is a dark and desolate place, I wouldn't wish my enemies there even.  I have to replant that seed, replant Hope into my life.  I want to have hope for my family, my siblings, my loved ones and someday, my children.  I want to be able to get excited for them, with them and celebrate their hope.  It is difficult to do without having a bit of hope yourself, no?

 

I invite you to sit down and think about the last time you felt Hope.  I know I felt it faintly every time I applied for a job before I am at my current employer.  I felt Hope when my fiancé first started talking to me.  But I gave up on it.  Case in point: the day I started talking to the man who is now my fiancé, I told my mom that it would never work.  Despite my exposure to my parents' fairytale story, I told her that no one my age wants to work at long distance (he was in Virginia, I was in North Carolina).  That is is a diseas of our times. 

 

I didn't have hope....at a time when I should

have possessed it the most.....

Look at us now!

 

Hope and the ability to hope needs to be relearned.  Think about what brings you hope.  Recreate the moment.  I know it is something I need to do.  Right now, I am hoping to have a good time tomorrow with my fiancé on our first day date in a while.  I can't wait.  Until next time, enjoy this little thing...a thing called, "La Vie."



Finding Faith

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Faith (n.):

1 a: allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty

   b (1): fidelity to one's promises       (2): sincerity of intentions

 

2 a (1): belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2): belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion

   b (1): firm belief in something for which there is no proof       (2): complete trust

 

I invite you to review the definitions of Faith provided by Merriam-Webster Online.  Reflect that the first definition, a more secular one, is geared more towards our interactions as men and women of this Earth.  Notice it is defined as a loyalty to a duty or a person.  Thus why we say such things as, "I have faith in you."

 

Reflect, now, on the second definition.  This is clearly the more religious undertaking of the term, more commonly referred to, not as faith, but as Faith.  The reason I capitalize it is due to the fact that it is referring to an intangible and incomprehensible power.  To God.  It also gives it differentiation in my writings.  I can talk about my faith in others and my Faith in God.  But this is more than reflections of faith and the definition thereof.  This is about finding Faith.

 

As I mentioned in my first entry, I am Catholic.  However, as the majority of people experience, events in my life caused me to pause and turn slightly from my Faith and system of beliefs.  I stopped attending church.  I cried everytime I was there.  The sorrow filled me to the brim and I felt as though my chest was heavy.  I couldn't walk in there.  I felt it was a lie.  I felt misguided and wandering, like in the desert, searching for answers.  All along, I know I should have kept going.  Hindsight is 20/20.  But I was in college.  I had better things to do, right?

 

I knew best.

 

Well, several forks in the road, disastrous turns and other good intentions gone bad, I had come full circle.  I didn't know it yet, of course.  I still felt lost.  Honestly, I can't put my finger on the moment that I came to realize that church was exactly where I needed to be.  I know when I met my fiancé, I initially rebuked church, saying I could be OK on my own.  Finally, we went to the church he attended at that time and I succumbed to tears.  It was around Mother's Day, I believe.  I don't know what song it was or how it came to pass, but I cried.  And I needed to cry.

 

Too long, I had held back my emotions.  The hurt, pain, tears, fears and everything that held me back.  I had been bottled, capped and set on a shelf until that point of expiration.  And I exploded.

 

I know that day, the pastor made us seek another place to worship.  His words were not of the Christian spirit in our hearts.  But the service invoked memories in me that had been part of a catalyst to my downward spiral: memories of my Nanna

 

Nanna, my maternal grandmother, was a remarkable woman.  I remember coming home from elementary school and going to the apartment my family had built for her joining our home.  Three steps separated our house and hers.  Three steps and a laundry room.  I loved hearing stories of my grandfather, who passes away before my birth.  To see his metals from World War 2 and to talk to her about her experiences.  But most of all, I think about the Bible she gave me.  And the inscription she wrote on the inside page.  Although I do not currently remember verbatim and do not have it with me for easy reference, it encouraged me to continue my walk with Christ.

 

The spring of my Junior year in high school, we moved.  I changed high schools.  I put on a brave face.  And it didn't leave for years.  During that summer, my dad had taken me and my two younger sisters to the beach.  Mom called, urging us home.  Nanna was slipping from us.  The day my mom came home and told me Nanna had passed caused my world to crumble.  Although she told all of us there was an enormous amount of peace following her last breath, I was immediately lost.  In the span of 4 months, approximately, I felt as though I had lost my home and a piece of my world.

 

I didn't cry at her funeral.  I told myself I couldn't.  They played my favorite hymn, "On Eagle's Wings," yet not a tear escaped me.  This is what she would want, I lied to myself.  I didn't mourn, truthfully mourn, her death until about the beginning or a little before 2012.

 

My fiancé has started to bring me back to center.  My family, now more than ever, is my rock.  They have always been there but I have been too blind and lost to see them at the end of my nose.  The day I began mourning for my Nanna was the day I could begin to heal.  To begin to forgive all those who had trespassed against me and who I had trespassed.  To forgive myself for the years of hurt and affliction I had put myself through.  Am I better?  No.  Even to this day, the hate that had consumed me for years still comes boiling over.  On those days, even the sun can't make me come from the shadows.  On those days, I know I am not myself.  But in healing, we must still hurt.  And this is a healing that is more than physical or mental.  It is also emotional and spiritual.  Not only must I mend the relationships between me and the people I know on Earth, but mend the relationship I had lost with God.  I have to have both faith and Faith.

 

I continue to search for the complete inner peace that we all want ultimately.  I know I will find it.  It may take some deep soul searching and consideration, but it is possible.  And this blog is a part of that.  I think it will help me find some of my inner peace I know I need.  And so, I continue my journey of finding Faith and faith.  I will have more to write tomorrow.  Enjoy a thing called "La Vie."

Always Open with an Introduction...

When I edited papers in college, I always stressed the importance of an introduction.  Well, although not a formal paper, an introduction simply must come first.

My name is Laura.  I am 24 years of age and currently reside in Virginia.  I am engaged to a dashing young man, to whom I am a spring chicken.  We are planning our nuptials for October and I am wrapped up in the combination of work, play, plan and sleep.

But I am beginning to learn more and more about, not only my fiancé, but myself as well.  I think the biggest hurdle I have had to overcome is my roots.

My background is Catholic.  My fiancé's background is Baptist.  I love him nonetheless.  But this created an interesting scenario when we starting talking about our nuptials.  Where would they be?  What course do we take?  This is further complicated but the fact that my dearest love is a divorcé.  The requirements for good standing within the Catholic church is that he get an annulment.  So we look for answers...

And look....

                 And look.....

                                                           And look some more....

Truth of the matter is that no one would talk to us.  We wanted information and knowledge is suppose to be free, yes?  In this case, I had just moved to where I am currently so my old parish priest would not speak to me as I was not a part of the parish (even though I was still registered there).  A local parish priest would not speak with me because I was not registered there (even though all I wanted was to have an open conversation between him, myself and my fiancé).

I was confused.  I had always, in my life as a Catholic, been told that the church was a place you could turn to in times of trouble, heartache and need.  I expressed this to the local priest.  I told him that the church should be a safe haven, where lost souls and wandering people should be welcomed.  I was never told my acquiring knowledge would be on a conditional basis.  I was perplexed.

That Sunday, despite the arguments and tension this was creating in our relationship, my fiancé agreed to go with me to Mass.  I knew this was not something he wanted to do, but was doing out of respect for me.  How fitting we attended, as the priest spoke directly to what I had emailed him about.

            "If you are Catholic, you must be in Communion with a church.  You cannot seek answers without being in Communion with a church."

 

....I felt violated.  Now, I realize pastors, priests and clergymen draw their sermon inspiration from reality and can come to terms with that.  Go ahead.  Use my example.  I felt violated because everything I had understood and been taught about my beloved Catholicism had been turned on its head.

 

I dared to approach the priest after Mass with my fiancé begrudgingly behind me.  The priest opened by saying he can't help me, I am not a member of the church.  He wouldn't even sit down with me and discuss the case until I signed a form (that he conveniently did not have with him).  He wouldn't even look at my fiancé, who would be the one to have to file for the annulment.  I was mortified.  He grimaced when my fiancé disclosed his religious background.  I believe he felt as though he was trying to fight for my immortal soul, as he saw I would be lost upon marrying this man.

 

When we left, I cried.....

 

                                                I cried for my disillusionment that I had been subjected to all these years.  Nothing more then self-inflicted, I tell myself.  I guess I have not been studying enough or understood Catechism enough.  I apologized profusely to my fiancé, tears falling onto my clothing, my Sunday best that I felt was tarnished to wear.  Through our struggle, we went to the church we had been attending together.  There, I succumbed to tears again.  I felt my fiancé embrace me and a loving member of our church family hold us together.  I felt lost...to a point, I still do...

 

What does one do when everything you believe has been seemingly torn from you? Some say this is the best time to turn to God.  And I try to, everyday.  That day, at our second service, we stopped the pastor there and my fiancé asked about my dilemma, the reason behind my somber face and wet eyes.  He looked at us and said, "You have the follow the path that you think is reality.  Do you think you can only go to Heaven if you marry in the Catholic church?  (To my fiancé) If she does, then you have to decide whether you can respect that or not." With that, we decided to wed, regardless of the teachings.  My love for him is greater than any religion can define.

 

However, I had thrown a wrench in my relationship.  I had caused flashbacks, blackouts, tears, arguments and disagreements.  Me....all me.  All my fault.

 

That night, I felt a weight on my shoulders that I don't think I have figured out how to lift yet.  It weighs me down, causes me tears and not the unboundless joy for which I am so well-known.  This weight should be effortless but my doubt causes it to be heavy.  It is my Faith.  I trust and know God is there, but I can't understand what His role is.  It confuses me.

 

A friend of mine, Meg, had given me information about a woman by the name of Angela Faddis.  She was a young mother of two who was undergoing treatment for Stage IV colon cancer.  This was sudden and truly tested the bounds of the words, "In sickness and in health" words I will soon say and hold near my heart as well.  I followed her, her husband's and her family's story nearly daily, until her death on September 21, 2012.  The motto on that page I kept reading was "+Jesus, I Trust in You+". A motto I hope to openly and fearlessly adopt. One quote of hers that I found is that:

 

"I want people to know that no matter what, they must trust in Jesus."

 



Perhaps I will elaborate more on Trust tomorrow or the next time I write.  I have exhausted the space and, surely, you, the reader, as exhausted as well.  I hope this blog to be a way to think about how I see life, how life happen, how "La Vie" happen.