Patience is a Virtue

Patience (n):

1. The capacity, habit or fact of being patient (bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint)

Patience is something that we as people have always struggled with.  This is exacerbated by the fact that our society is an instantaneous one.  We want what we want now.  The irony of the JG Wentworth commercial (It's my money, I need it now!).  You may think what is wrong with this mindset?  We work hard, why shouldn't we expect something in return?  And we should get that reward immediately!  Yet "Patience is a virtue," and "Good things come to those who wait" have echoed my childhood and follow me into adulthood, as well.

A couple of days ago, I happened to catch "Sex and the City" on TV.  It was one of the final episodes.  You know, the one right before the movie?  In this episode, Charlotte and her husband (Harry, I think?) are trying to adopt a baby.  They thought they would have a child from a couple in Charlotte, NC.  However, once the couple got to New York, they revealed they changed their mind.  At the end of the episode, Harry comes in the door and says that he has something from China too (Charlotte said she got Chinese).  "They are giving us a baby," he said.

Cast of Sex and the City

"How?" Charlotte replies, puzzled.

"I guess God remembered our address," Harry says, smiling.  He holds up a picture, "And here she is."

All throughout the beginning of this episode, this couple was agonizing over the lack of having a child to adopt.  It proves to be a difficult process to endure, leading them to almost give up hope.  But with patience, they were blessed with the adoption of the little girl from China.  

The most annoying thing I have heard is that things don't happen in our time, it happens in God's time.  It always frustrates me.  I can't see the plan, I don't know where He is leading me, how can I trust so blindly and have patience in something I don't even understand?  That is why it is a virtue (a conformity to a standard of right; morality).

I wish I had more patience.  I wish I had more understanding of waiting and why the reason to wait.  I wish I didn't stress as much or handled it in a better way.  There are a lot of things I wish I could better myself with.  But I can only work at one thing at a time.  What better time to start than today?

....Or tomorrow....tomorrow may be better.  Hey, I didn't say procrastination wasn't a problem either!

The Salt and the Light

While on my way to work one day this week, I heard this song by Rhett Walker Band come on the radio.  Now, I have never been a big one for Christian music.  My family never really listened to it at home and I tried to avoid it outside of the home.  The only time I really had to listen to it was because I went to Oneighty with a friend of mine in middle school.  It was a setting where kids in the community could go to have fun and then hear an "obligatory word of God" for the last hour of the night.  On Fridays, they had 5th Quarter, where students can come after football games and hang out.

I respected everyone's views being different but the struggle came from my views not being respected.  Again, I was raised Catholic.  Catholicism has always been something that, when I bring it up, it is frowned upon.  Mind you, my fiance's different background was frowned upon when we spoke with a priest as well.

Over the last few days, both the words of this song and an experience at World Youth Day in Canada has caused me to think.  The lyrics of the song strongly reflect feelings I have experienced for a long time in my life.  That of pride, of knowing what is best in my life:

                                       V1: I'm torn between myself and your truth

These cursed memories, forever seeping through

My thirst for myself left me wanting more

Till I found myself face down on your shore

Chorus

V2: My restless heart, led me astray

To my selfish pride I became my own slave

But you placed a thirst in me with no drink in sight

'Cause I could not see till I saw through your eyes

These lyrics paint the experience, the path I walked down for many years.  The confusion I faced and tried to overcome, the feeling of being lost and alone.  This song, the chorus (which is not included in the above lyrics), is trying to illustrate the meaninglessness of worrying, to lay burdens down and trust all will be well.  Won't my fiance be happy to read this, as it is something he has been preaching to me for the entirety of our relationship?

I mentioned World Youth Day.  This is an event for the Catholic youth.  Youth from all over the world come to a selected city and celebrate Mass together, make friends together, share experiences together and live together.  I remember myself and a friend of mine were suppose to be too young to attend, but we were given special permission by our parish priest.  What a week it was!  We slept in a school, with groups from 

Trinidad across from the girls room I was in.  We shared meals together with other groups from all over the nation and world.  The last night we were there, we were sleeping outside in anticipation of hearing the then Pope John Paul II speak and hold mass the net day.  We slept in boxes, talked with our peers and walked around.  The next morning, it was rainy, the boxes disintegrating under the weight of the water.  Suddenly, it stopped when the Pope came to the stage/altar.

The message of this trip was Matthew 5:13-14, "You are the salt of the earth....you are the light of the world."  I remember hearing animated stories about this and what it means.  I remember attending a Mass where the priest said, "A radical Christian is a salty Christian!"  The verses, in their entirety (Matthew 5: 13-16) are this:

¹³ “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.

¹⁴ “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵ Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. ¹⁶ In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

We carry the weight of our faiths on our shoulders.  We alone as responsible for it thriving and growing.  We have to provide the flavor of the world and the light all around.  Even if not in solely a religious ideology, we should be a light, a beacon to those who need help, support and love.  Perhaps you have needed that in the past and felt yourself gravitate to someone who was a stranger to you.  Perhaps you found yourself telling a stranger your life story, not really knowing what prompted you.  And perhaps, because of this serendipity, you felt all the better.

Yes, I have had incidences and experiences in my life that are far from favorable.  But I also have points in time that I should celebrate.  I have experienced now that should be celebrated.  I know I need to stop fretting and worrying, stressing and carrying things I have no control over.  Maybe you need to reflect this as well.  Remember, a thing called, "La Vie" comes and passes so quickly that it can be gone in a blink of an eye.  Try to not let it pass without enjoying it.

Increasing your Vision: A Growth of Self

What is your eyesight like?  Do you have to wear glasses?  What about contact lenses?  Do you ever struggle to see at night or when walking into the bright daylight from a dimly lit corridor?  Are you reflecting on your sight or vision?

When I looked "Vision" up in the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary, several types of definitions came up. Interestingly enough, the first two definitions do not relate at all to the sense.  They define to vision as, "something seen in a dream, trance or ecstasy," or, "the act or power of imagination."  So not only is vision related to the sense of sight, but also can be something that is not really there but imagined.

Today, in church, our pastor began to speak about this very topic (thus why I am writing about it now).  The sermon was entitled, "How is your vision?"  The overall point of his sermon was that you cannot reach a point in life without knowing where that point falls.  The next question may be how is that point determined?  I guess that depends entirely on how your Vision is.

In other words, you have to set your goals of growth in life, because no one will do it for you.  And once you achieve the first goals, you must set yourself higher goals.  Without somewhere to go in life, how can we propel forward?  Take, for example, a student who is graduating high school.  Perhaps they have set a goal to complete college.  In college, there are several sub-goals: passing courses, tests, the long nights of studying.  On that day when they walk across the stage, that goal is achieved.  They now have to decide what their next goal is.

Perhaps they will decide that they have had enough school and they want to go into the workplace.  Perhaps they want to further their education and go onto a Master's program.  We cannot move forward in life without knowing where we have come from and, more importantly, where we are going.  Certainly, sometimes we struggle to determine what path we should go down.  Especially in our youth, that is to be expected.  It is a part of learning what our Vision is.

Like everything in life, Vision of life, growth and future is something that is ever changing and ever evolving.  Today, my Vision for my life is much different from when I was in, say, 3rd grade!  Especially when, in 3rd grade, I was planning on becoming a nun.  But that is the beauty of childhood and having supportive adults to surround those children.  Children, you see, have very blurry Vision.  They daydream and change constantly what they "want to be when they grow up."  The beauty of this is they are free to explore the possibilities while the adults can help wrangle those energies in.

We all play a crucial part in one another's Visions.  We must all support one another because we cannot reach our Visions by ourselves.  Many pitfalls befall across our paths.  However, with Faith and the people around us supporting who we are and where we are going, we can never fall short of our goals or our Visions.  Afterall, we set our Visions and goals, but we all need help to achieve them.

A Mass Departure into a New Beginning

Exodus, n.-

1 capitalized: The mainly narrative second book of canonical Jewish and Christian Scripture
2: A mass departure: emigration

Parting of the Red Sea, as depicted in Prince of Egypt.

One of my favorite books in the Bible is Exodus.  The first definition lays reason for this, as it is almost purely narrative telling of the Jews plight in Egypt and how Moses was able to lead them out to the Promise Land.  As a younger child, I was entranced by the idea of the hardships these people encountered, as well as the might of God as he helped Moses guide them from Egypt.  It is a fascination that has been with my my entire life as I have constantly loved reading and researching about the ancient Egyptians.  I thoroughly enjoyed the fact that in modern times, Prince of Egypt was released, a cartoon rendition of the story from Exodus.  The songs are haunting and beautiful.  If you have not seen this, I strongly recommend the movie.

Why am I writing about this, you may be asking.  Last Sunday, on Easter, the assistance pastor of the church my fiance and I attend spoke on how when the Hebrews went into the desert, fleeing from the Land of Egypt, they began to complain that they would be much happier for the leeks and garlic of Egypt.  I have been pondering this sermon for the whole of the week.  I decided to seek out the verse myself and found this:

2 Here in the desert the whole Israelite community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. 3 The Israelites said to them, "Would that we had died at the LORD's hand in the land of Egypt, as we sat by our fleshpots and ate our fill of bread! But you had to lead us into this desert to make the whole community die of famine!"

Exodus 16: 2-4,  New American Bible,  Catholic Word Press

A "fleshpot" as defined by bible-history.com is taken to mean "One of the six kinds of cooking utensils spoken of as pots or pans or cauldrons or basins. Probably usually made of bronze or earthenware."  You may be thinking about this and, knowing what Moses had gone through to allow their freedom and the scourges that were prevented from falling on their heads (mainly the Plagues), why on Earth would these people grumble to such extent?

This was the base of the sermon on Easter and how the Lord will provide.  But how can someone not help but grumble and complain when they are so uncertain of their future?  Consider this: In Egypt, the Israelites knew hour by hour, day by day what would happen.  Once they left that world, they did not know what would become of them.  This, for anyone, is a scary situation to be in!  They have been taken from their beds, their pots, packing unleavened bread, and leaving all that they knew for all that they didn't.

In the sermon, there was also reference to how, while Moses was on the mountain, receiving the Ten Commandments, how a golden calf was constructed.  The assistance pastor commented that this was because this is all that the Israelites recognized as god.  They were associating what they had learned from Egypt and creating what they considered would be God to worship.  In truth, we know why Moses had come down from the mountain and, seeing this, became angered.  However, it can no more be attributed to their lack of knowledge as to who God really is.

Up until this time, man would see a miracle and make that miracle a god.  These gods ranges from the elements to animals to other human beings.  If we do not know who God is or what He is, how else could they color Him?  The pursuit of God and Faith is rife with these incidents.  As we know, God was good to the Israelites and blessed them, despite their doubt and distrust in Him.

So often, we become comfortable in our surroundings that when we are taken from them, we begin to long for the world that we know was bad for us.  We do not trust the plan that is in place for us.  When we leave a world, a life that we know, we fear what we do not.  I have been fortunate to never had gotten into drugs or alcohol to the point of addiction, but this can be especially true for addicts.  They cannot remember a world void of the substance which has, in effect, became a god.  To leave that world can be scary and daunting for them.

I just thought this was a beautiful picture, perfect for the idea of this post.

Fear not the world you come into.  Fear the one you leave.  Often times, the comforts of what we have known become our biggest pitfalls into old habits.  This is why support systems in our lives are so important to kicking any addiction, be it of a substance, of the flesh, of ill living or anything else that is preventing us from living fully.  You may not want to turn to the one I know as God.  But even to leave those dark corridors of your life, you need motivation and support.  I invite everyone to reflect on their habits and life.  Even I constantly must reflect on the life I lead.  Together, we can build a community to help one another overcome the obstacles laying in our paths.  We all stand on the precipice of life and on the edge of a great cliff.  Together, we can survive the things that may cause us to tumble into the valley below.

On Eagle's Wings

Picture of my fiancé's tattoo

Oh man, to have to get up this morning and drag myself to work.  Fortunately, I am working the late shift...unfortunately, I am working the late shift.  Unfortunately, I also had to hear my fiancé tell me about an amazing breakfast he indulged in courtesy of his work....villains!

Yesterday called to mind the moments I loved about growing up in the Catholic faith.  We may have our quarrels now but there are some things of which I will never lose sight.  One of them being the hymns that I have sang, played (violin, bells, piano, etc), listened and loved over the span of my life.  One of my all time favorite hymns is one that is titled the same at this posting.  This hymn also came to mind based on the tattoo my fiancé just got a little over a week ago, with one of the verses this hymn is loosely based on inscribed into his arm.  He knows it is a favorite of mine.

This hymn is based loosely on Psalm 91, from a collection of protection psalms, as well as, you guessed it, Isaiah 40:31.  The first verse of this hymn is:

You who dwell in the shelter of the Lord

Who abide in His shadow for Light,

Say to the Lord, "My refuge,

My rock, in whom I trust!"

 

Refrain:

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings

Bear you on the breath of dawn,

Make you to shine like the sun

And hold you in the palm of His hand.

 



To think that these words signify the protection that God has over you has always been inspiring to me.  I think I also love this verse because my grandmother loved it as well.  I remember this hymn as being one that I heard the introduction music and starting smiling from ear to ear.  Do you have any music that has that effect on you?  It doesn't have to be religious in nature, perhaps it is secular.

I know when my fiancé and I were just dating, it seemed as though every time I would walk him to his car to leave my family's home, Hunter Hayes, "Wanted" would come on.  We would get really quiet and tears would well up in our eyes as we said farewell until the next weekend.  And so our relationship went, from weekend to weekend, not a weekday passed without numerous texts or at least one lengthy phone call.  I remember the first time I went to Virginia to meet my fiancé.  On Saturday, we were driving around, just finishing lunch, and a Raschal Flatts song came on.  He began to cry quietly, until I realized and asked what was wrong.  "I am already dreading the fact you have to leave tomorrow."

Those are the songs that touch us.  I know I find it difficult to sing in church because it brings up so many emotions and conflicts within myself.  It makes me reflect on my life and how askew it has been and how hard I am trying to remain on the path, my path.  I still find comfort in the last stanza of the hymn, On Eagle's Wings:

For to His angels He's given a command
To guard you in all of your ways;
Upon their hands they will bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.

 

A reminder that no matter what faults I encounter or what I may do wrong, God is looking out for me and my well-being.  What more can anyone ask for?  I know, furthermore, that my fiancé, family and friends do the same every single day.  God puts people into our lives for a reason.  We may not see the reason now but someday, it will be very clear to us all.

"Hoppy" Easter

Christ is Risen!  Alleluia!  Alleluia!

A very Happy Easter to those of my readers who celebrate the conquest of death by Jesus Christ!  For those of you who may not share in this belief, happy final day of March!  I certainly hope it is filled with candy, love, family, friends and happiness!

I recall the phrase above being shouted at the Easter Vigil right as the lights were to be turned on and the church brought back into Light.  Shouts of "Hosanna" could be heard in celebration of the cementing of eternal life.  To reiterate the meaning of this celebration, Easter is one of the most honored feast days in the Christian religion.  It is celebrated as the resurrection of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.  

Easter is also known as a time for rebirth and renewal.  The world is just starting to bud and burst from beneath a layer of snow or permafrost, the Earth becoming ready to till.  As is the Earth, so our minds must turn and till to prepare for more knowledge and growth in our lives.  How ironic that school was a thing taken up during the time where the harvest was done and the sowing could not yet commence?  However, when the sowing could commence, the learning was thought to stop.  It is as though where one sense of learning ceases, another takes its place.

This is much like the world outside of school.  While attending school, you focus as your source of learning is what you read from books and glean from your teachers.  You hardly notice learning from experience or gain wisdom from life lessons.  When you leave school, you may think initially that learning is completed, only to find out otherwise.  Learning doesn't ever stop or cease its existence.  It only becomes more intuitive and more ingrained in our world.

Just yesterday, I came to to learn another lesson.  You see, I am constantly someone who guards her thoughts, feelings and attitudes for fear of judgement.  I discovered that I still perpetuate this attitude in even writing this piece of literature.  My fiance reminds me well that I am talented in expressing my thoughts and feelings and yet, expressing them is to share a piece of vulnerability that lies within myself.  

As a result, my rebirth for this year occurred yesterday.  I shared with the world my musings, my writings and my vulnerability.  With this, I expose who I am with no holds barred.  I hope you will enjoy what I write and what I think.  Most of all, I hope you respect it.  I cannot promise what I put will be in line with yours thoughts, Reader, but I would be respectful of your thoughts and feelings.

I hope you all have a wonderful Easter and please come back to read more of my writings.  I draw from my experiences, my environment and what I hear around me.  Until then, enjoy a thing called, La Vie."

From Passion to Resurrection

Today is Good Friday, vendredi saint, and a solemn feast day for those in the Christian world.  In Roman Catholicism, I would be expect to fast, refrain from eating meat or have a complete fast and not eat at all.  But not only are our bodies bare, but the Church usually is to.

If you have ever been inside a Catholic church, you know they can be ornate settings, draped in cloth, gold and coverings.  But walk into one today.  If it is anything like the church I grew up in, the altar will be bare.  Crosses may be removed or, in the case of a large crucifix that cannot be physically removed, the face of Jesus will be covered in cloth.  It is a dark time in the church.  Services as limited to the Passion, the Stations of the Cross.  Light and bells are not flooded into the Church.  The Easter Vigil begins late on Holy Saturday completely in darkness.  Candles are the only thing we come into the church with.  It is when the light has left the world.  Suddenly, His resurrection!  Gloria is sung, the lights come on and we all start singing.

Today is somber to celebrate the joy for Sunday.  Easter is more than candy, bunnies, eggs and big dinners.  It's about family, love, celebrating the Light of the World coming back.  Even if you don't recognize Christianity, is there any better thing to celebrate than family?  Togetherness?  The light?

It's Spring but you would hardly recognize it here.  Who knows?  Perhaps Easter, when the Light comes flooding back into church, will mark the beginning of Light warming up the Earth.

Have a Happy Weekend...er...Hoppy Weekend!

The Road For Which I am Meant

A few days ago, I wrote about a dream I had.  I described it in as much detail as I was able to remember.  I also shared what my fiancé, who has a calling to the ministry, thought the dream meant.  In case you have forgotten and do not want to look back on an old post, the gist of it was this: I had come across an insurmountable hill on my bicycle and started sliding backwards.  Suddenly, it felt as though a hand was pushing me, without any assistance from my own pedaling.  I found myself on top of a beautiful mountain, a place where no one else could ever reach.  My fiancé shared with me that he felt it was God's way of telling me that He would always help me overcome, no matter what lies in my wake.

Yesterday afternoon, while I was on my way home from work, I began to think about my faith, God and the seemingly insurmountable objects I had conquered.  And a specific time came to mind. 

I moved to Virginia on November 30th, 2012 and began work at my place place of employment on the 3rd of December, 2012.  This is officially my first time ever moving out of my parents' home (not counting college, naturally) and my first time ever living with a boyfriend.  Work was progressing nicely and I was getting positive feedback all around from co-workers and clients alike.  Approximately 2-3 weeks into my new job, something happened that scared me.  This is about mid-December.  I work alternating weeks.  One week, I will work 9-6 (early), next week, I will work 12- 9 (late), and I work every Wednesday late.  It was a week I was working the late shift and I was coming home.  I was on the phone with my then-boyfriend, now fiancé, talking about my day.  I was driving in the right lane.  Suddenly, out of no where, a deer came darting from left to right and a collision occurred.

The deer got away but I felt as though the breath was stolen from my chest.  My poor fiancé was on the phone, the line quiet, possibly only hearing the heavy breathing being exhaled from my tightened chest.  He began to panic, I heard the concern in his voice.  I pulled over, I got out, still on the phone, and I walked around my car. 

The damage seemed cosmetic.  It was still functioning, just not pretty.  I got home and fiancé came out and looked over the car.  The only thing left to prove the existence of the deer was the fur it left, caught in the buckled hood of my first car.  We took pictures, I wrote my insurance agent and the recovery process began.

As soon as I got the go ahead to take it into a shop, I did.  They immediately put me into a rental car, saying the car was illegal to drive with the broken headlight (the lamp itself was still operational).  A few days later, I was told my car was a total loss.  The repairs would be too much to warrant the repair.  It was more than cosmetic.  I now had about 5 days to find a replacement.

I was scared.  I was afraid.  I wasn't prepared to make such a purchase.  Could I afford it?  I had student loans, I was living in a new place, I had a farther commute.

I don't know what happened or how it happened, I think I put a post out on Facebook about my plight.  My middle sister (who works part-time at a dealership) calls me. "We have a car here that is really nice.  It was just put on the lot.  You need to look at it.  I will send you the paperwork."

I did all the paperwork.  She calls me back, "They are asking about a car loan.  Did you co-sign your boyfriend's car?  You need to call and talk to them."  So I did.  I explained that the car in the accident was not the car I had just signed on a loan for.  I had to help my boyfriend.  He would have done it for me.

That Saturday, we went to the dealership to discuss the car and what the price might be per month.  I was cringing.  I was so concerned I wouldn't be able to afford it.  But I needed a car.  Christmas was next week!  I walk in and my sister was sitting in the receptionist chair:

"I am so jealous of you!  Wait until you hear your car payment!"

There were gentlemen around her.  One of them looked up and said, "I got your car payment to under $200.  That includes every insurance you can have on a vehicle."

I was shocked.  Something I could afford.  Something that wouldn't break the bank.  And a car that felt like a luxury car to me.  OK, so the electric locks don't work on the driver's door.  And the CD player went ca-put.  But it drives. 

I was thinking yesterday about how God must have had a hand in that intervention.  I was in a dark hour of despair.  I don't recall muttering a prayer for help but I very well may have.  But irregardless, He was there when I needed it.

The situation was very odd.  My fiancé told me then I should have driven in the left lane.  I told him it came from the left so that would have resulted in more damage.  My mom tells me it was a force of hand, but that I am fortunate to have found such a great deal.  My dad thought I got a good vehicle for the circumstances.  The very next day, I was engaged. 

I won't ever fully understand why things happen as they do.  It isn't my place to understand the phenomenon in life.  But acknowledging the significance of that occurrence in my life is a big step for me.  It is admitting that whether I acknowledged Him or not, He never stopped looking out for me.  If I reflect further back, I can see it throughout my life.  I am a very trusting person, which has its place.  But I put myself in some dangerous situations.  However, I always overcame the obstacles.  That's why I can enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Snow-Covered Dream

This weekend has been wild and the weather matched it to a T.  My fiancé and I woke on Sunday morning to a dreary day, planning to travel to Roanoke, VA to have a birthday celebration with one of his cousins.  Not even an hour later, I look out the window and snow was falling in heavy flakes onto the ground.  The world began to look colder.  We hurried to get to church only to find that services had been cancelled.  The birthday party was frozen, much as the world around us.  We decided to venture there, anyways, to visit his parents.

We had a glorious time.  I love my future in-laws greatly.  But the snow kept worrying me to no end.  What if we can't get out, I think.  What if I can't get to work?  What then?  My fiancé tried with all his might to calm me, but to no avail.  I had swung into a mini panic attack...OVER WORK!

I told him he wouldn't understand and I truly don't think he ever would.  How do you explain to someone that missing work is giving you a panic and anxiety attack?  That you feel your duty to your place of employment so strongly that it makes you feel sick to miss it.  Or how even when you are sick, you try everything in your will to get there or last there.  We got home safely and I am sitting in my pod, safely.  No worries, no anxiety.

Work seems to be like a constant in my life.  My father taught me a strong work ethic.  You look and ask for work if you don't have anything to do.  That is called job security.  When you have questions about things, you learn about it until you can't understand and then you ask for help.  That is called ambition.  Did my learning such a strong and powerful ethic cause me to go too extreme?

My fiancé would tell you that I am a worry wart.  Shoot, I would confess to that as well!  I worry constantly.  And yet, I tell the people around me to not worry about things they have no feasible control over.  So why can't I embrace that as well?

Saturday night, I had an interesting dream.  I was biking on a path and people were constantly biking around me.  I was moving slowly, but it was hilly as well.  And the hills got steeper and steeper until I finally reached a hill that was insurmountable on my own accord.  I felt myself rolling back and closed my eyes.  All of a sudden, I felt something pushing me up.  I was not peddling or using any of my own force.  I found myself at the top of the hill.  Furthermore, the top of that hill turned out to be the top of a mountain where no one else could reach.  I stopped there and gazed out in this view that no one else could or would ever witness and gasped.  I could see from shore to shore, boats in the harbor and houses in the villages around me.  I took pictures, inhaling the air and feeling the warm breeze.

Then, I woke up.

When I told my fiancé, he interpreted it the same way I did.  Perhaps it is God's way of telling me that nothing is insurmountable if I trust.  And I know I have a hard time trusting Him sometimes.  I worry and fret when truly, there is no reason.  If it is in His hands, He will find a way.  Maybe not now, not tomorrow or not for several years.  But it will happen...in His time.  But, until my time or your time comes to discover what is the answer, enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Winds for Change Shifting?

The white smoke came billowing out from the Sistine Chapel yesterday, approximately 7 pm in Rome.  It was a joyful occasion for all Catholics around the world as a leader had been elected, a new pope.  As you may remember, Pope Benedict XVI shocked the world by stepping down from the papacy.  He caused further conflict when it came forward that he would remain in the Vatican City, not too far from where the shadow of the new pope would fall.  And be dubbed Pope Emeritus.  Emeritus is defined as, "Having retired but maintaining a title of honor."  He vowed he would not interfere with the decisions of the church, allowing the new pope to lead the people of the Catholic church in peace.

The new pope, now known as Pope Francis, shook the world himself, becoming the first pope from the Americas.  He was a cardinal in Argentina and is known for living in poverty and a humble life, denying the right to live in the palace maintained for a man of his status and electing to live in an apartment instead.  He waves aside the chauffeur for taking a bus.  He is a Jesuit priest, an old order.  He, too, is not without conflict, especially given his ties and potential involvement with the dictatorship that ruled Argentina in the late-1970s, early-1980s.  But what man goes without scrutiny?  I read that around that time, he watched as women who had children out of wedlock wondered from Catholic church to church, begging the child be baptized.  He would witness church after church turn them away.  The former cardinal Bergoglio compared this to that of the Pharisees, of how it became exclusive, not inclusive.

I hope this is a sign of change to come on the wings of the new pope.  I can express first hand that there is a sense of exclusivity when it comes to the Catholic church.  My fiancé and I experienced it first hand.  Further more, as a woman within the Catholic church, I experienced the duration of my life.  The meaning of the word, "Catholic" is "universal."  In our confession of faith, we say, "We believe in one, holy, Catholic and apostolic church."  A church of unity, of followers, of believers. 

The Greek word most commonly associated with the English word church is, "ecclesia."  This means "the called-out."  Any member of a church would be considered called-out to its purpose.  So how can a church turn people away when its confession of faith mentions unity and the root of the word church means the called-out?

I don't know if there is an over-bearing fear of protecting the way things were or if it is fear that the morals of the church would be lost in any sense of modernization.  But I wish things would change.  I hope for a day when I can walk into a church with my future husband and smile at the priest, no judgement clouding his eyes.  To partake in the sacrament of Eucharist without the whispers so many wayward Catholics hear at Easter and Christmas.  For now, all we as a world can do is pray.  Pray for the unity of the Catholic church.  Pray for Pope Francis, that he may guide the church in a good direction.  Pray for religions everywhere to begin working together to heal our broken world. 

And always pray for each other.  Sometimes we lost sight of those we need to pray for the most: ourselves.  So it is with a hopeful heart and a light smile that I wish you enjoy today and everyday, in a thing called "La Vie."

Finding Faith

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Faith (n.):

1 a: allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty

   b (1): fidelity to one's promises       (2): sincerity of intentions

 

2 a (1): belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2): belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion

   b (1): firm belief in something for which there is no proof       (2): complete trust

 

I invite you to review the definitions of Faith provided by Merriam-Webster Online.  Reflect that the first definition, a more secular one, is geared more towards our interactions as men and women of this Earth.  Notice it is defined as a loyalty to a duty or a person.  Thus why we say such things as, "I have faith in you."

 

Reflect, now, on the second definition.  This is clearly the more religious undertaking of the term, more commonly referred to, not as faith, but as Faith.  The reason I capitalize it is due to the fact that it is referring to an intangible and incomprehensible power.  To God.  It also gives it differentiation in my writings.  I can talk about my faith in others and my Faith in God.  But this is more than reflections of faith and the definition thereof.  This is about finding Faith.

 

As I mentioned in my first entry, I am Catholic.  However, as the majority of people experience, events in my life caused me to pause and turn slightly from my Faith and system of beliefs.  I stopped attending church.  I cried everytime I was there.  The sorrow filled me to the brim and I felt as though my chest was heavy.  I couldn't walk in there.  I felt it was a lie.  I felt misguided and wandering, like in the desert, searching for answers.  All along, I know I should have kept going.  Hindsight is 20/20.  But I was in college.  I had better things to do, right?

 

I knew best.

 

Well, several forks in the road, disastrous turns and other good intentions gone bad, I had come full circle.  I didn't know it yet, of course.  I still felt lost.  Honestly, I can't put my finger on the moment that I came to realize that church was exactly where I needed to be.  I know when I met my fiancé, I initially rebuked church, saying I could be OK on my own.  Finally, we went to the church he attended at that time and I succumbed to tears.  It was around Mother's Day, I believe.  I don't know what song it was or how it came to pass, but I cried.  And I needed to cry.

 

Too long, I had held back my emotions.  The hurt, pain, tears, fears and everything that held me back.  I had been bottled, capped and set on a shelf until that point of expiration.  And I exploded.

 

I know that day, the pastor made us seek another place to worship.  His words were not of the Christian spirit in our hearts.  But the service invoked memories in me that had been part of a catalyst to my downward spiral: memories of my Nanna

 

Nanna, my maternal grandmother, was a remarkable woman.  I remember coming home from elementary school and going to the apartment my family had built for her joining our home.  Three steps separated our house and hers.  Three steps and a laundry room.  I loved hearing stories of my grandfather, who passes away before my birth.  To see his metals from World War 2 and to talk to her about her experiences.  But most of all, I think about the Bible she gave me.  And the inscription she wrote on the inside page.  Although I do not currently remember verbatim and do not have it with me for easy reference, it encouraged me to continue my walk with Christ.

 

The spring of my Junior year in high school, we moved.  I changed high schools.  I put on a brave face.  And it didn't leave for years.  During that summer, my dad had taken me and my two younger sisters to the beach.  Mom called, urging us home.  Nanna was slipping from us.  The day my mom came home and told me Nanna had passed caused my world to crumble.  Although she told all of us there was an enormous amount of peace following her last breath, I was immediately lost.  In the span of 4 months, approximately, I felt as though I had lost my home and a piece of my world.

 

I didn't cry at her funeral.  I told myself I couldn't.  They played my favorite hymn, "On Eagle's Wings," yet not a tear escaped me.  This is what she would want, I lied to myself.  I didn't mourn, truthfully mourn, her death until about the beginning or a little before 2012.

 

My fiancé has started to bring me back to center.  My family, now more than ever, is my rock.  They have always been there but I have been too blind and lost to see them at the end of my nose.  The day I began mourning for my Nanna was the day I could begin to heal.  To begin to forgive all those who had trespassed against me and who I had trespassed.  To forgive myself for the years of hurt and affliction I had put myself through.  Am I better?  No.  Even to this day, the hate that had consumed me for years still comes boiling over.  On those days, even the sun can't make me come from the shadows.  On those days, I know I am not myself.  But in healing, we must still hurt.  And this is a healing that is more than physical or mental.  It is also emotional and spiritual.  Not only must I mend the relationships between me and the people I know on Earth, but mend the relationship I had lost with God.  I have to have both faith and Faith.

 

I continue to search for the complete inner peace that we all want ultimately.  I know I will find it.  It may take some deep soul searching and consideration, but it is possible.  And this blog is a part of that.  I think it will help me find some of my inner peace I know I need.  And so, I continue my journey of finding Faith and faith.  I will have more to write tomorrow.  Enjoy a thing called "La Vie."

Exploring the Concept of Trust

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Trust (n) - a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone or something
                   b: one in which confidence is placed

Trust is something that is deemed so easy to have but easy to lose.  It is easy to come by in a child but harder to see in adults.  Yet, trust is said to be vital for relationships, friendships, family, even religion.  In fact, in my studies in school, trust was taught to be the basis of some political protocol as well.

When you meet a child on the street, they look at you with their wide-eyed faces, glowing and brimming with curiosity and questions.  In those eyes and in their actions, you can see a trust that they place in the very motions and interactions they hold with everyone, even new acquaintances.  Is this not the reason we have to warn our children of "stranger danger?"  Have you truly known any child to recognize a stranger without it being defined first?  Of course not.  They hold within them an endearing level of trust in people around them.

Yet, due to the world around us, we must rob them of this sense of trust.  If we were still in the mindset of "a village to raise a child," I do not doubt that this practice would not occur.  However, because we operate more as an "every family for themselves" mentality, our immediate families are becoming safe havens and circles of protection and trust (as in the movie, Meet the Parents).

Having this instilled within us from a young age paves the way for us and colors our future relationships as adults.  Although I was raised with knowledge of stranger danger and to be careful who you trust, I, forever the eternal optimist, have always had faith in man and mankind.  Therefore, I was far too trusting.  I can see my mother nodding her head enthusiastically, for she always told me this.  Because of my desire to want to trust and see, in my mind, the good in people, I went through a lot of hardships, a lot of bad relationships and situations.  To this day, I am still coping and rebuilding from those times.

Even now, in a loving and accepting relationship with my fiancé, the need to trust freely always needs to be called to mind.  He has never done anything to cause me to question him.  But my past colors and dyes my future as an Easter egg.  I find it difficult to live in the present sometimes without invoking the past.  And the same goes from him.  His past, his nightmares and past relationships, color his relationship with me.  I know I have never given him reason to doubt his unwavering trust, but I am certain that he has to remind himself to not let his past experiences reflect on his current life with me.  But knowing where the obstacles are is half the battle to conquering them.  With us both knowing where the other has been, we can better come together and move forward in a new light.

I mentioned trust in political protocol.  I studied International Relations and French during my years in college.  One of the most fascinating classes I had the privilege of taking was International Law.  This class was the study of law as it pertains between nations.  The most fascinating part and how it pertains to my discussion on trust: there is no world police force, no law enforcing body, no actual letter of law to follow.

Intriguing, isn't it?  How, you might ask, does the world and nations get managed?  Isn't there the United Nations and other governing bodies that can impose laws?  It would seem that way but all of these political bodies are voluntary.  The only thing the United Nations will do when a nation is no following the by-laws is enact sanctions on the nation that will be observed by everyone else in the United Nations.  Therefore, if a country is not in United Nations, they do not have to follow these sanctions. 

The other way trust comes into play is the concept of reciprocity.  Nations often come to agreements about certain items and problems on terms of reciprocity.  You scratch my back, I will scratch yours.  Basically, trust in the other's word.  We will drop our nuclear arms if you do the same.

The biggest and sometimes most difficult type of trust is Trust in Faith.  "+Jesus I Trust in You+" Words that carried Angela Faddis and her family through the darkest and final days.  If trust is so easily taken from us as children, is it difficult to hold on to enough to trust in the unknown?  The intangible?  This is where Faith comes in.  We cannot trust what we do not have Faith in.  Just like anything else in life.  All of the above examples require an amount of Faith in order for the Trust to be instilled.  I have faith in my fiancé so I can trust him.  Nations hold an amount of faith or confidence in other nations, so they hope to trust them.  But the hardest is to find Faith in what we believe to hold Trust in Him.

Tomorrow, I think I might start a trilogy on Faith, Hope and Love.  For today, I will close as I feel I have exhausted trust for the time being.  Perhaps trust will come up again.  Perhaps I will trust you, the reader, to tell you more about my past experiences which so shaped and formed my trust.  But for now, enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."