As You Like It

In his play As You Like It, Shakespeare writes a monologue in which two lines are well-known by the world:

 

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players."

Today, this came to mind and I took the metaphor to heart.  Day in and day out, I work with people in my peer group who become complacent in the roles they are in.  Yet, they do nothing to propel themselves or change their destiny.  For example, if you are not happy in your job, why are you not looking into how you can become happy or change positions?

I too was complacent at one point.  I found it too difficult to work towards changing things that don't ever seem to stay changed.  I finally decided to put my head down and accept the hardships as things not meant for me.  I read a wonderful picture recently which referred to Abraham Lincoln.  One of the most memorable presidents who had ran for political office repeatedly and failed every time until he was elected President of the United States.

We learn a lot through our failures.  We learn what no to do, but more importantly, we learn to persevere.  Today, I thought of a way to add on to the words of Mr. Shakespeare: In this case, our decisions are our props.  Only good actors know how to effectively use them.  We are all given choices in life.  If we do not work to make choices that will benefit us or accept the bad decisions we have made, we cannot change our path.

Another short one but one does not need to be long winded to express a point.  Embrace life, its successes and failures, its rights and wrongs.  More importantly, remember to not give up on the journey because that's the most exciting part.  Don't miss the ride or the destination won't mean as much.

Decision and more...

As life continues to propel us forward, we are bound to have to face decisions.  These decisions can vary from person to person and be as vast as the ocean.  One of the most vital decisions is how we lead our lives: Floater or Learner?

I believe that these are two broad categories that we all fall into in some form or fashion.  The Floater is a person who moves through life with ease, no real drive as things are handed to them or comes easily to them.  Goals are attainable and obstacles are few.  The individuals seemingly have little problems socially or academically.  The Learner, however, is driven by their past experiences to continuously look to better themselves.  These are people who constantly seem to face obstacles and have the need to renew the resolve in facing the world.  These are people who seem overly ambitious and have that intellectual flame, a never quenchable thirst for knowledge.

You may be asking yourself, "I don't fall into either one.  There are both very extreme categories."  Now, now, don't get your feathers ruffled.  You may not fall in one category or the other, but rather a combination of the two.  That is a possibility as well.  You may find, after further reflection, that you began in one category and then changed to another category.  We are not static in life and we are constantly shifting and changing.

The reason I bring this up?  Our decisions are ours alone.  No matter what category you fall into, you are not bound to that by life.  You can change your path if you so choose to seek that change.  Only you have the power of your Life path in your hands.

Abandoned by Society

As you may have gathered from previous posts, I work in the customer service sector.  It can be a very trying job at times, but it works for those of us who genuinely want to help people and solve their problems.  Yesterday, well at work, I came into contact with an individual that caused me to nearly cry.  I received a call from a gentleman who was happy to talk.  Come to learn over the course of the conversation, this gentleman was a disabled veteran with 100% service through the VA.  He had been married several times previously and enjoyed funny things in life.  And before we disconnected after an hour and a half, he told me to call him anytime, that he would talk my ear off.  I came to realize that this is a man who is lonely, who has limited human contact, who wanted to call a utility company, knowing someone would answer and talk to him.

Speaking to him made me think about how lucky I really am.  I am a young woman who is engaged to a wonderful man.  I am able-bodied with no physical limitation other than one I put upon myself.  Most of all, I have people around me to talk to, fulfilling a basic human need.  It really made me feel badly for the gentleman on the phone.  He clearly wanted someone to talk to.  A previous agent had spoken with him and had complained the entire time about being on the phone for so long a time.  I couldn't hang up on him because all I could think about was things I learned through my maternal grandmother.

I can't remember a time without my grandmother living with my family.  I remember her apartment being built on to our home and vaguely remember when she formally moved in.  I remember alternating nights and how dinner was arranged.  One night, she would come down stairs and have dinner at our house, the next night with my grandmother at her house, three steps up.  I remember talking her walking cane and pretending my sisters and I were performing.  We would put on skits and plays, act out our days and what we had seen.  I remember her laugh.  One of the most memorable moments would have to be over Christmas.  My mom had gotten some Christmas crackers that had whistles in them with music.  We had so much fun trying to remember which whistle was ours...

I also remember watching my Nanna growing older.  I recall the conversation that began to come up about how she needed help.  Our busy schedule did not allow us to dedicate the time and care to her needs.  Nanna was put into an assisted living facility and we visited her often.  We took glamour shots with her (what great memories in those pictures) and went to dances.  During those dances, my sisters and I would dance with anyone.  It became obvious that some people there did not have family visit them, hadn't had family visit them for some time.  Interacting with myself and my sisters, I could see a light inside them, the smiles shining radiantly from their faces.

Why do we walk away from our veterans, the disabled or the elderly?  We can learn so much from all of them.  Veterans hold information that could help prevent war and conflict in the future, as well as stories of brotherhood, camaraderie, and teamwork.  The disabled, no matter the disability, can teach us how to live life without allowing obstacles to get in our way.  The elderly can teach us about their lives, allowing us to learn from the mistakes of their generations, learn about our ancestors and just about what is important in life.  Just because someone may seem to be a blemish on the world does not mean they are devoid of any merit.  The people we abandon are most commonly those people we can learn the most from.  Remember to take time to speak to those who want someone to listen.  You can do a lot for someone just by lending an ear.

Ebb and Flow

Much like the number of visitors that come to my page (whether actually real or not), life consists a component of ebb and flow.  Good times come in as the bad times go out to sea and vise-versa as well.  Newton's law comes to mind in that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  So what does this mean for our lives and how does it impact?

When was the last time you were at the beach?  We are coming into the summer months and I am certain this is something favorable on your minds to do this time of year.  When you get to the beach, whenever that is, I want you to do something for me.  Go to the beach at dawn.  Yes, I know it's your vacation.  Yes, I realize you may have spent all year getting up after dawn to go to work but trust me...

At dawn, very few people are out to spoil the sights.  The sounds of the waves crashing echo singularly in your ears as the seagulls begin to stir.  You may see fishing boats or even dolphins in that time.  And to see the first light of day kiss the horizon and stretch to the white peaks of the waves is such a calming thing to witness.  Also, watch the ebb and flow of the waves.

Tides are brought in by the moon, controlled by the moon.  No matter where the tide is, however, ebb and flow is always constant.  The same comparison can be drawn to life.  No matter where your life is, no matter what stage, financial state or way you measure your life, the ebb and flow is constant.  With that comes balance.  With balance ultimately comes peace.  Peace that can be found in a sunrise.  Peace can may be lost when the next wave comes in but can easily be restored.

I struggled for peace internally sometimes.  I fear I worry too much, stress too much.  I have no control over where Life takes me sometimes and when I do have control, it is limited to how much I can influence.  But...I am learning I have control in how to respond to these changes.  Truth is, I can worry, fret, stress, cry and boo hoo until the cows come home!  However, when my tears dry and my fit ceases, Life and its challenges are still there.

We can try to ignore them or we can cope and face them.  We can try to run from it or we can embrace it.  Life is like a poker game where someone has gone all-in and you have two choices: to fold or to match the bet.  When Life hands you another challenge, will you go all-in and face it full force?  Or will you fold and let Life take you where it wills, as a piece of driftwood on the ocean.

Whenever I was last at the beach, several years ago, I was able to see the sun rise.  It took my breath away and, for even just a moment, I felt as though everything would be OK.  I knew the sun would eventually set on a bad time in Life and rise on a good time.  Well, World, the good time is here but that doesn't mean I shouldn't be prepared.  Embrace Life, all it gives you and its challenges.  It is that from which we draw our experiences and it is that from which we become who we are.

Remembering Memorial Day

Today is Memorial Day for the United States, a day that many people are happy to celebrate.  Often times, it is for the wrong reasons that they look forward to it, a day off to relax and have cook-outs.  But the reasoning behind this day is more significant than that.  Today is designated to remember and commemorate those men and women who had died while serving for our country.  We had traditionally extended that to cover the entirety of our armed forces, with Veterans' Day being used to honor those who have served.

I have a man in my family that did his duty to his country.  Although he did not die during his service, the fact I could never have the opportunity to meet him saddens me.  It is my maternal grandfather, Harold McKeon, who served during the Second World War.  Passed away before I was a twinkle in my father's eye, my granddad was kept alive by the medals and awards my Nanna kept and the stories she told us.  I remember coming home from school and running upstairs, eager to know something new.  I would go to the bottom drawer of her dresser and see all the military honors my grandfather achieved and, one by one, take them out, asking my Nanna, "What was this for?"

I wish I had written the stories down.  I wish I could remember everything that she told me.  My Nanna has also passed away since I was a young girl, running up the three steps that separated our home from the apartment we built on for my grandmother to come live with us.  She had by then moved into an assisted living facility, the highlight of my Sundays.  And, although it hurt sometimes to see her advancing in age, I cherished every moment I had with her.  While she wasn't able to physically see me graduate college and won't be able to physically attend my wedding, I know she is smiling down on me, my grandfather by her side, along with all my relatives that have gone before me.

My Nanna and Granddad on their wedding
day.

My fiance and I do not have a chance to celebrate Memorial Day by having the day off.  We have to go to work.  But I am glad I can do this.  I work on a project that is meant and designed to assist those in our military in some of the most basic needs, to improve their quality of life.  I can also work towards helping myself grow and excel in my place of employment.  While others will be having fun, spending time with family and enjoying a day to relax, my fiance and I will be doing our civic duty.

If you are in the United States and have today off, please enjoy it.  But keep this in mind.  When you go to a restaurant or to the grocery store today or simply going for a walk maybe in your hometown, be aware of those businesses that are still open.  These are the people who are also sacrificing so you can better enjoy your day.  When interacting with them, try to keep that in mind if they are not the cheeriest.  Take it from someone who has had to work when everyone else has the day off: it is sometimes hard to be happy when it seems everyone else can relax.  Enjoy today.  If you are not celebrating Memorial Day, take a deep breath and celebrate what you can today: Life.

Forge Your Own Path

"The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves."

-William Shakespeare

Throughout life, we all encounter those moments we refer to in several different terms.  Fate, destiny, it was "meant to be"...all of these terms indicate that something occurred that was somehow predetermined in the universe.  Now, I am not saying this is not completely incorrect because I do think there are things that come to pass.  But I think to a degree, we control that fate as well.

When I was in middle school, I went with some friends to a place called Oneighty.  This was a safe place where kids around the same age can go to.  For the first hour, you could play video games, have something to eat, hang out with your friends and the second hour was dedicated to the ministry portion of the program. One time, during the second hour, the topic turned to dating and how you find your soulmate.  The advice given to us in those seats was that your soulmate will come to your door.

Looking back, I realize that what they meant was that when you aren't looking, Love will find you.  But at that age, I took this to mean literally, sit at home, and wait for the person you are meant to be with to arrive.  Love, like life, sometimes needs helping along.  While you shouldn't search for it, you shouldn't ignore it either.  We must create our own destiny in Love to an extent.

Why does this come up, you ask?  Because this applies to the work place as well.  At my place of employment over the years, I have had many people mill promises over me.  A lot of times, I was content to rest on my laurels and wait for these promises to come to fruition.  I suppose you can see where this is going.  Nothing ever really became of what was said.  This can wear on a person who is constantly looking to better herself or improve who she is in work (she for myself, of course!).  This time, I determined that it needed to be different.

I was beginning to become frustrated.  I had a large system of support at first when I started at the company.  But, as it often happens, sometimes roles of the superiors change and with that, expectations and support can also alter.  I was holding a lot of things I wanted to see for myself.  However, I found myself waiting for someone else to make it happen for me.  Odd, as this is never how things work generally.  So, I came to a decision: take my own destiny, my own work future, into my hands.  I plan to start different training courses and searching out ways to better my skill set.

What about you?  Is there something currently in your life that you have been waiting to take care of itself?  Perhaps you, like me, are waiting for something in the workplace to take off?  Or perhaps you are waiting for Love?  Maybe it is something else entirely, a calling or something deeper.  You are not helping yourself by waiting for it to be handed to you.  Take chances, take risks and enjoy life!  Why wait for someone else to hand you something when you will feel so much better about it when you earn it?

Landmark Numbers and Everyday Heroes

Wow!  I can't believe we are here already!!

First of all, a hearty and big THANK YOU to all of you reading this post!  When I opened my blog this morning, I found I had reached 1000 page views!  It seems like a few weeks ago when I had gotten to 100. It may not seem like much to be excited about but the fact is that you are reading what I have to say and it makes me want to write more.  So thank you.  Also, I encourage you please, if you have ideas or something you want me to write about, send me the suggestion!  I am open to inspiration, no matter the source!

Now, on to today's topic...

It is a tragic and unfortunately, common occurrence in our society today.  Kidnapping.  A crime that makes us all scared and uncomfortable to sleep in our own beds.  The thought that people, strangers, have gotten so brazen to take children out of their beds or front yards in daylight shakes us all to our core.  The fact that parents can kidnap their own child's lives, innocence or dignity scares us as well.  But it is nice to know that even in the midst of darkness, the glimmer of Hope continues to shine forth through the murk.

Recently, three women were rescued from having being kidnapped and presumed dead over the course of ten years, in Cleveland.  The man who reported the discovery of one of the women, Charles Ramsey, made the frantic phone call.  In his interviews, he has shared that the man who kidnapped these women was someone he frequently barbecued with, with whom he talked and quoted him as being someone you wouldn't look twice due to appearance or manner.  But this cordial man had been harboring three women, committing a crime that parents hope they never, ever have to face.

This morning, before I came to write my blog, I was skimming through Facebook and saw a picture of the man with a quote: "I get a paycheck, give the reward to the rescued women."  I read through the caption underneath the picture and admired what he said.  The reasoning?  He said he was just doing the right thing and that doesn't make him a hero.  With doing the right thing, he doesn't deserve a reward.  Instead, give it to the women so they can begin their lives outside of captivity.  From this, how can we define what a hero is  Is doing the right thing being a hero?  Or are heroes the thing of fiction and everyone else is just trying to get by?

Too often, I think that we do things in life, not because it is the right thing but because we think we may get something out of it.  I am guilty of it too.  I may not expect an immediate reward but I often think of it a karma.  OK, I say to myself, if I do this, then eventually someone will help me or something good will happen for me.  Do I always associate my positive energy with something I did in the past?  No!  Perfect example: before I moved in with my fiance, I would drive up every other weekend to spend time with him.  One weekend, I ran over a curb just as I was getting into town and completely decimated my tire.  I mean, it was flat, flat, no salvaging there!  I managed to get my car to limp to a gas station where I sat for about 15 minutes, tire iron in hand, waiting for my then-boyfriend (now fiance) and his son come help me.  While standing there, not a single, solitary person stopped to ask me if I needed help or if something was wrong.  And several people walked by me while I was trying to take the lug nuts off!

The truth is, whatever we do in life we should do without expecting reward.  If we expect something in return, how can the action be pure of heart?  I can understand helping a stranded motorist with the hopes someone would stop for you but overall, we shouldn't expect anything.  As human beings, we need to be willing to assist and come to the aid of our fellow man without any strings attached.  Once we do something without expecting anything, it comes free of burden, of downfall, of anything that would take away from what that action means.  We need to become volunteers in life.  Volunteering to help people in any and all situations where we can offer assistance and not ask for any form of repayment.  To help simply because we want and need to help.

While the rain falls and patters gently against my window pane or perhaps the sun is streaming through your curtains, remain still for a moment.  Listen to the world around you.  I sit here writing this blog with our little dog, Molly, cuddled next to me.  The birds are singing into the window.  I feel so at peace with the world and ready for the day.  A day and a job where I help people all day long.  And then home for a quiet night with my fiance, my little dog and serenity.  Enjoy this day, be glad and remember to help your fellow man in this thing called, "La Vie."

What Voice Lessons Taught me about Life

In our modern society, our primal instincts have lost their purpose.  We no longer have to call out to our hunting party or communicate pain to our family in the distance.  We are taught to suppress these instincts in all aspects of our lives.  What if I told you, however, that you still enjoy those primal instincts on possibly a daily basis?  You dance to them, participate in them and measure the span of time with them.

What could I possibly be talking about?  Singing.  Singing all comes from a primal instinct within ourselves.  Please allow me to explain further.

In my last few years of college, I had the opportunity to take voice lessons with Judith Burbank.  She is a soprano who has performed a wide-range of repertoire all over the world in various venues and orchestral groups.  I was nervous, apprehensive and all around scared my first time walking into the classroom, which is her office.  What I found was a world of exploration and understanding of myself and music that I never thought I would experience.

Judith Burbank, alumni picture
Wittenburg University

The requirements: bring a CD with you every class to record your lessons, practice when you have a chance and always be prepared.  Prepared for what?  For the truth.  And Ms. Burbank was brutally honest but not without fault.  She taught me that singing comes from those primal instincts.  Each stage of the vocal scale could directly relate to an audible emotion.  The moan, groan, sigh, call, talk, scream....all of them can relate to a point in your voice.  Not only did Ms. Burbank teach me about how I still carry those primal instincts with me every day.  She taught me things about life.

Proper posture is essential for the best sound.  This was something that never escaped the watchful eye of my voice teacher.  "Stick your chest out!" she would say.  "If you don't like how you look, change it.  But be proud of what you have now."  Lesson one: Stand with confidence and do not be ashamed of your appearance.  The only thing that matters is how you carry yourself.

During warm up lessons, Ms. Burbank would have me stand in front of a mirror.  She would instruct, "Drop your jaw, let the sound come naturally without restriction."  I would stand in front of a mirror and watch past the talk of my voice as the back part of my lower jaw would drop, causing a deeper and warmer sound to come.  Lesson two: Do not be afraid to open your mouth and share your thoughts.  Everything you have to say matters, no matter how deep you have to dig to share it.

When I reached the top of my voice, Ms. Burbank would have imagery to help you root and grow your sound at the same time.  "Have a string that extends from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet.  And from your head, can a C-shape coming out and going back, like you have a big open space in your head," she would explain (I know, it may sound crazy.  But trust me, she knows her stuff!)  Lesson three:  Remember your roots and use them when you want to soar.  You should always have a place to return back to.

Every week, when I walked into the office, I would dread the question I always knew was coming.  As I set my things down, listened to the end of the singer before me and set my CD to record, those words would finally reach my ears: "Did you practice this week?"  Oh how I dreaded these words!  Even as a violin student, practicing was so difficult for me.  But it too taught me a valuable lesson.  Lesson four: If you aren't willing to work toward the things you want in life, you won't reach your full potential.  We have to be willing to practice any time possible.

Were voice lessons difficult?  Yes, it was a challenge.  Basically, you are told the way your were singing has not be correct, but let me show you the way to get an amazing sound.  And what a result!  After my first semester of voice lessons, I had a solo that opened the Christmas concert for the Lenoir-Rhyne A Capella Choir, a group of which I was a part.  I got to sing these words:

They say God loved the world so dear

He set aside his crown

And cloaked Himself in human flesh

They say He came on down

And dwelt a while among us here

He came on down.

Remember, no matter how dark things seem, there is always a
lighthouse to help guide you.

I loved it.  I was nervous and I know it came out in my voice.  But those few moments, by myself, opening the entire performance, followed by the procession of the rest of the choir into the church, were amazing!  And I was well rewarded.  My mom, following the performance, told me that I had a completely different and more developed sound to my voice and urged me to convey her amazement to my voice teacher.  Ms. Burbank merely smiled and nodded, as though to say, "You had it in you the whole time.  All I had to do was help you release it."

Running and Chasing Shadows

When I was a child, I remember playing a game with my shadows.  I would either try to avoid stepping on my shadow or try hiding in my shadow.  I would run from my shadow and try to catch my shadow.  I would stand in my Mom or Dad's shadows.  I was amazed by shadows, how they changed, how they moved with me.  Peter Pan fell into line, when he lost his shadow.  I remember watching the sun change and the shadows grow longer, my shadow riding beside me on its shadow bicycle.  Those are the shadows I played with.

But there are shadows in life that we all have that we do not want to confront.  These are the shadows we either run from or chase away.  They could be things we have seen, experienced or fought from the past.  Unfortunately, as they have helped shape who we are as people, we carry them into the present and will carry them into the future.  How do we face these things?

I have many shadows in my past that I wish I could erase.  I regret things I passed up in life and I regret choices I have made.  I know we aren't suppose to regret life (it's true, life is way too short!), but believe me, it is difficult to overlook.  I can't ignore the bad relationships I have been in.  They helped me realize what it means to be in a good relationship.  I can't ignore the opportunities I have passed up in my life because it reinforces that you have to take chances.  So how do I face these things in the past without letting it ruin my future?

Being open.

Too commonly, we hide in our shadows or simply, hide our shadows.  But hiding the shadows or hiding in them does not give us consolation.  It exacerbates the problem.  If we live in a dark place in life, how can we love how far we have come?  I face my shadows through my relationship.  My fiance has been monumental in helping me come to terms with what I have faced in my past.  The abuse, the self-esteem problems I have developed.  One of the biggest shadows, my shadow Boogieman, if you will, is that I have had peers tell me I would be better off to kill myself.

I have been teased, taunted and tortured.  But with the help of my family and friends, my fiance and through this blog, I am able to face my shadows and be open with what I have experienced.  What is your outlet?  Do you vent when you feel a shadow pulling you into its darkness?  You have to consider that these shadows are like living Depression, following you around.  It can catch your ankles and pull you into its overcast, not leaving any desire to play in the shadows as you did as a child.  But if we can take command of the shadows, we can better explore them when we have to be pulled into them.

As seen below, nothing is ever as it appears.  What may appear one way in the daylight is something completely different in moonlight.  But sometimes, moonlight is the only way to face what we don't want to face.  Moonlight casts a light on things that we can't deny.  Be it by moonlight or daylight, sunlight or rooted in darkness, don't run from your shadows.  Ask to take someone's hand and jump into them.  Only then can they cease having power over us.

A Mass Departure into a New Beginning

Exodus, n.-

1 capitalized: The mainly narrative second book of canonical Jewish and Christian Scripture
2: A mass departure: emigration

Parting of the Red Sea, as depicted in Prince of Egypt.

One of my favorite books in the Bible is Exodus.  The first definition lays reason for this, as it is almost purely narrative telling of the Jews plight in Egypt and how Moses was able to lead them out to the Promise Land.  As a younger child, I was entranced by the idea of the hardships these people encountered, as well as the might of God as he helped Moses guide them from Egypt.  It is a fascination that has been with my my entire life as I have constantly loved reading and researching about the ancient Egyptians.  I thoroughly enjoyed the fact that in modern times, Prince of Egypt was released, a cartoon rendition of the story from Exodus.  The songs are haunting and beautiful.  If you have not seen this, I strongly recommend the movie.

Why am I writing about this, you may be asking.  Last Sunday, on Easter, the assistance pastor of the church my fiance and I attend spoke on how when the Hebrews went into the desert, fleeing from the Land of Egypt, they began to complain that they would be much happier for the leeks and garlic of Egypt.  I have been pondering this sermon for the whole of the week.  I decided to seek out the verse myself and found this:

2 Here in the desert the whole Israelite community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. 3 The Israelites said to them, "Would that we had died at the LORD's hand in the land of Egypt, as we sat by our fleshpots and ate our fill of bread! But you had to lead us into this desert to make the whole community die of famine!"

Exodus 16: 2-4,  New American Bible,  Catholic Word Press

A "fleshpot" as defined by bible-history.com is taken to mean "One of the six kinds of cooking utensils spoken of as pots or pans or cauldrons or basins. Probably usually made of bronze or earthenware."  You may be thinking about this and, knowing what Moses had gone through to allow their freedom and the scourges that were prevented from falling on their heads (mainly the Plagues), why on Earth would these people grumble to such extent?

This was the base of the sermon on Easter and how the Lord will provide.  But how can someone not help but grumble and complain when they are so uncertain of their future?  Consider this: In Egypt, the Israelites knew hour by hour, day by day what would happen.  Once they left that world, they did not know what would become of them.  This, for anyone, is a scary situation to be in!  They have been taken from their beds, their pots, packing unleavened bread, and leaving all that they knew for all that they didn't.

In the sermon, there was also reference to how, while Moses was on the mountain, receiving the Ten Commandments, how a golden calf was constructed.  The assistance pastor commented that this was because this is all that the Israelites recognized as god.  They were associating what they had learned from Egypt and creating what they considered would be God to worship.  In truth, we know why Moses had come down from the mountain and, seeing this, became angered.  However, it can no more be attributed to their lack of knowledge as to who God really is.

Up until this time, man would see a miracle and make that miracle a god.  These gods ranges from the elements to animals to other human beings.  If we do not know who God is or what He is, how else could they color Him?  The pursuit of God and Faith is rife with these incidents.  As we know, God was good to the Israelites and blessed them, despite their doubt and distrust in Him.

So often, we become comfortable in our surroundings that when we are taken from them, we begin to long for the world that we know was bad for us.  We do not trust the plan that is in place for us.  When we leave a world, a life that we know, we fear what we do not.  I have been fortunate to never had gotten into drugs or alcohol to the point of addiction, but this can be especially true for addicts.  They cannot remember a world void of the substance which has, in effect, became a god.  To leave that world can be scary and daunting for them.

I just thought this was a beautiful picture, perfect for the idea of this post.

Fear not the world you come into.  Fear the one you leave.  Often times, the comforts of what we have known become our biggest pitfalls into old habits.  This is why support systems in our lives are so important to kicking any addiction, be it of a substance, of the flesh, of ill living or anything else that is preventing us from living fully.  You may not want to turn to the one I know as God.  But even to leave those dark corridors of your life, you need motivation and support.  I invite everyone to reflect on their habits and life.  Even I constantly must reflect on the life I lead.  Together, we can build a community to help one another overcome the obstacles laying in our paths.  We all stand on the precipice of life and on the edge of a great cliff.  Together, we can survive the things that may cause us to tumble into the valley below.

From Individual Back to Community

I need to have a moment to vent.  Last night, I encountered an experience at work I never, ever want to encounter.  I had a customer call me about a rebate program offered by one of the utility's I work on.  She began asking me about an incentive.  Confused, I began explaining the program to her.  She went on to explain that she was suppose to go through one program but a contractor cancelled it.  They found out she wasn't going to purchase an expensive HVAC unit and called behind her back, cancelling the service she wanted.  She explained she had lost her husband and can't afford to install such expensive measures but doesn't think it is fair that we don't offer it.

Giving a hand...

If you can't see what I find appalling in this, let me explain: They were taking advantage of this older woman.  And she voiced that she was afraid to report them for fear of retaliation.  "I don't want my house to blow up with me inside of it," she told me.

My heart breaks for this woman.  She will be in my prayers for peace and protection.  But it makes me mad that both women and the elderly get taken advantage of, even in this modern time.  How is it fair or right for the world to treat our elders and that of the sex responsible for bringing us into this world?

We are the only ones we have in this world.  We only have each other.  If we don't look out for one another, who will?  If we aren't worth protecting, what motivation does the army have for looking over us?  If we don't feel a sense of ownership for our neighbors and what is morally right, what incentive does the government have to look for our best interests?  How can we be protected if we don't protect each other as a first defense?

This morning, my fiance, his son and I had to go and have my oil changed in my car.  It has been long overdue for that service.  On our way out of town, we came across two accidents.  The first had already been mostly cleaned up, the people already whisked away for medical examination.  The second was fresh.  The people from the cars were out there, directing traffic and helping guide people around the collision until the police officers and other first responders arrived.  There had even been strangers, uninvolved in the accident, had pulled over to help figure out the mess until the police could come and take over.

All of us together make the world go 'round.

This is a prime example of how we should be trying to help each other out in this world.  Too often, we get involved in our own worlds and forget to see those around us.  I know there have been a few occasions when I wanted to help.  But we also have to consider that not everyone who seems in distress is truly in need and rather, a predator themselves.  There are accounts of women, stopping to help a motorist on the side of the road, only to be abducted.

What kind of world do we live in that we have to fear our fellow man, rather than take a community approach?  It use to be that it took a village to raise a child.  Now, the village is the enemy of the child, not its protector.  Perhaps it is about time to go back to the only way of thinking.  A sense of community, a sense of protection, a sense of family.

A Calling, A Whisper and Snowflakes

Everyone do me a favor....go to your calendar and tell me what the date is.


April showers bring May flowers.

Go on, I will wait...

So, if your calendar reflects the same thing that my calendar does, it is currently the 5th of April, 2013.  Can you believe it that yesterday, the 4th of April, it snowed where I am?!?

I found it to be one of the craziest weather activities that I have witnessed in my young life.  Certainly, being where I am in the South, I am accustomed to it being hot and cold, back and forth, until it finally settles into Summer or Winter.  But I cannot ever recall seeing snow in April.

It was beautiful.  I was at work and whispers and murmurs began to sound throughout the building.  My back is to the window so I slowly turned to see what everyone was so entranced by.  Snow.  Big, white snow.  My coworker told me it was like clusters of flakes falling at one time.  It was like being in a snowglobe.

I often joke that Mother Nature needs to get out of menopause.  But at the same time, this is a miracle of our world.  Yesterday made me think of those persistent and courageous daffodils that peek up and begin to show the world they have survived winter.  I thought of how many of them would be harmed by the cold and the snow.  I use to think the same of the azaleas in the yard where I grew up.  Yet, they are so resilient.

We all encounter things in our lives that cause us to feel like we are moving backward.  I know I have.  I have put my life on hold for many different reasons only to wake up one day and realize I don't even know what my dreams are anymore.  This morning, after my fiancé left, I sent him a text message.  It read:

Please pray for me.  I am feeling lost and not fulfilled.  I know I shouldn't as I have you, my family and friends and a job.  I have everything that should make me happy.  But I still feel somewhat empty.

His reply:

I am always praying for you.  Every day.

Now you may say, "Eww, that's gross!"  But that is Love.  I realized last night, on my way home from work, what one of my coworkers told me.  We were talking about the study and practice of law and going on to higher education.  I told him that I never could because of the money.  He told me that if I am not careful, I will soon wake up and half my life would be over and I will not be where I feel like I should.

OK, I took a little artistic liberty with that.  I elaborate and wrote how what he said made me feel.  But those words really hit home.  I have stepped aside for so many things and people in my life that I have lost sight of what I want to make myself.  Is there any healing from that?

No, like the daffodils, there isn't healing.  But there is rebirth.  I have to be resilient like the daffodils and azaleas in the snow.  They have waited so long and couldn't wait any longer for Spring to be sure to set in.  But when the world started moving backward, they, too, retreated.  But that doesn't mean they won't appear again.  Just because I have been foolish in the past, setting my life and my dreams on hold for those around me, does not mean they won't come back to fruition.

The only remaining question is: what are my dreams?  What is my path?  I feel as though I am still fresh out of college and searching for my path in life.  How long will it take to discover it?  I have no inclination.  I do know I have a great support team in my fiancé and my family.  You, too, can be my support team.  Afterall, we have to stand by each other.

The other night, I had a thought that maybe at the end of a year, I might publish some of these posts and elaborate on them a little.  Any thoughts?  Comments, criticism or ideas?  I cannot become a better writer if I do not know how my writing is perceived.

UPDATE: I want to clarify that I am deeply in love with my fiance and thoroughly enjoy my job and what I am doing.  I simply feel like I have a calling for something more, be it volunteer work or going back to school.  I just don't want any misconceptions.

From a Nightmare to Reality

Such a difficult decision...

This morning, while the rest of the world began to wake, I lifted my head from my pillow.  I heard my fiance moving around quietly, preparing to leave for work, not wanting to disturb me.  When I lifted my head, my eyes were watery, filled with sleep.  But they were also filled with more.  When I came into the main room, my eyes filled with tears as my arms wrapped around the neck of the man I love so much.

When asked what was wrong, all I could whisper was that I had a nightmare where I had lost him and couldn't get him back.  He comforted me and told me that is why it is a nightmare, a dream.  It isn't real.  We always ultimately wake up from the dream and can leave that state of thought.  How easy it all seems.  To wake and realize it was all a dream.  This morning was the first morning I had woken from a nightmare in utter tears from what the dream was about.

Our small dog, Molly, is sitting by me, mad I am not lavishing my utter and complete attention over her.  I think she is jealous of the computer.  My arm can attest to her wanting attention while my ears hear her cries.  I wish she could have roused me from the dream.  It is such a blurred line sometimes, dreams and reality.  Sometimes the fairy tale I experience with my fiance makes me question what stage of REM sleep I may be in.

The difference between dreams and reality can be compared to the differences between truths and lies.  I am watching Georgia Rule this morning, in which Lindsay Lohan's character is known by her family as being notorious for not telling the truth.  But as the story unfolds, we begin to wonder if she really knows the difference.  Now, take the actress' character out of the equation (as we know it is of ill-repute), we can see an example how if someone gets deeply involved in lies or truths, the line could easily be misconstrued.  The same could be said for dreams.  If we forever live in a fantasy world, we have difficulty coming out of it.

The things that takes me out of reality more than anything is books.  Books sometimes become my truth, my dreams and my reality.  When that book is done, I have to return to my perceived reality until a new truth could be found and read cover to cover.  In the movie, the truth is ultimately discovered by all parties and healing can begin.  What healing can be accomplished if the healing fact is not known?  If we base our healing on lies, is it really healing?  The same with dreams and reality.  If we base our life and build it around solely a dream, is their any weight to what we establish?  Don't get me wrong, I am all for following dreams.  But if you have a dream of being an executive, how can you spend like one before you are one?  That is the difference between living truth, perception, lies, dreams and reality.

I am so grateful that my fiance was there, with open arms, ready to embrace me this morning.  When I woke, it was so quiet I was afraid my nightmare had come true.  To come out of the room and find him standing there brought me so much comfort.  It brought me back to reality, brought me back to my truth, our truth.  I am far from a perfect being and I would never claim to be perfect.  But somehow, I felt a little more complete this morning.

Whether you are waking or preparing for bed.

Have you ever had a dream, nightmare, faced with truth or lies that brought you to reflect on your life and how you weigh your priorities?  I know last night was a moment like that for me.  I was overjoyed to have someone to bring me out of that dream.  Do you have someone to bring you from a dream?  It is like Inception, when they have an object to remind them what stage of world they are in, dream or reality.  What is the thing or person that keeps you grounded?

I hope everyone reading this has a wonderful day or evening, depending where in the world you are.  Whether you are waking from the sleeping world you preparing to settle back in for a night of dreams, I hope you enjoy this thing called, "La Vie."

Learning from Loss

Leap forward five hours in time and you will come across the shores of Ireland.  On this day, St. Patrick is said to have driven the snakes out of Ireland.  On this day, Ireland is celebrating the feast day of its patron saint.  From the Cliffs of Mohr to the shores of County Galway, the country is enjoying a day of celebrating with loved ones and neighbors.  While we as Americans dye rivers green and our beer green too, the people of Ireland need only go out into a field and see the green laid out before them.  I am so proud to call myself Irish.  On this day, my blood runs green.  So I begin this post saying, "Happy St. Patrick's Day!"

I mentioned briefly last night about the parade my fiance and I and his son attended.  I also told you that the topic of today's post had three legs....did anyone figure it out?

Let's see....

Yesterday, in the Raleigh parade for St. Patrick's Day, there were several animal rescue groups dedicated to certain breeds of dogs.  There were the Irish wolfhounds (my favorite, I want one of those gentle giants!), greyhounds, German shepherds, pit bulls and much, much more!  In a few of the groups, I noticed a dog that made my think.  These dogs had three legs!  Now I am certain you have all heard stories.  An animal loses the use of its limb and adapts its lifestyle accordingly.  I remember watching one little kitten who was born with deformed back legs, both of them.  This little kitten got around by, literally, picking its hind legs off the ground into a hand-stand and walking that way!  I have seen dogs with two legs, both of them on the same side of the body, and the dog is still able to run and play.  He stands up by leaning against a tree, for example.

How is it that these animals do not realize their limb is gone?  Whenever we, as people, lose the use of a limb, whether temporarily or permanently, we mourn for a little bit.  We are slow to adapt but quick to mourn.  I began to think about our ability to adapt in other aspects of our life.  When we suffer a loss, how can we adapt to a point where it is like it never happened at all?

When we lose a loved one, we are force to handle the death through the funeral and spending time with the surviving family.  It still takes time to recover from a loss such as this, to begin moving forward again.  But what about other losses?  We have to adapt to change in our life, no matter what aspect.  But I think we have to also remember what we lost.  Unlike animals forgetting they had the limb, any piece of us that we lose, we have to remember it was once there.  We learn from loss.  If you lose a friend, you learn how to better keep the next one.  When we lose a little bit of faith, we have to learn how to get it back and keep it.  We can learn a lot from animals but have to remember what makes us human as well.  Loss is painful and can cause us a lot of strive in our life.  But loss is also the way we grow as people.  When large losses occur in the world, such as the Holocaust, we are more hard pressed to prevent something like that from happening ever again.  It causes social change in the world and society, as well as the immortality of that loss.

Loss cannot be ignored, although we try to.  I believe our mourning to be the process of trying to forget when we really should be embracing the loss and learning from it.  I know it is hard.  I have gone down this path several times, in several ways.  Although I try to forget the loss, I eventually come to realize that it can help me move forward.

I hope everyone enjoys their St. Patrick's Day.  Please be safe.  Don't drink and drive.  Most importantly, enjoy and embrace everyone around you.  You never know when you might experience a loss but it is better to enjoy the time you have rather than stew on the potential future.  Until then, enjoy St. Patrick's Day.  Here, it is gloomy and rainy, fitting for an Irish celebration, and the best kind of sunscreen!  Please enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Narrowly Avoiding Disaster

Every morning, when I drive to work, I pass by some beautiful landscape. There is a huge farm that I can always see to my right, followed by different properties that make anyone ready to settle down. It can also prove to be distracting. Along my route this morning, I spotted a crow in the middle of the road. As we know, most birds fly off as soon as a car comes near. But never a crow. If you watch, they take their time.

My little crow this morning literally took three steps and then two hops...to simply get into the other lane! Although he was safe from me and the vehicle immediately behind me, he was lying in the wake of a vehicle too far for him to notice. Seeing this caused me to think about how much we can be like crows. We do just enough to step out of immediate harm's way, only to not foresee the danger coming up fast behind us.

Are we simply dancing in the road, teasing those potential dangers as a matador would a bull? Why do we do this to ourselves?

I spent the rest of my drive trying to consider what situations I may have narrowly avoided, only to put myself in the wake of something bigger. A good analogy would be scenarios from when I was in school. I commonly could skate through classes with minimal studying required on my part. I would pass each test, but never without sweating it out (not a good test taker, mind you). Needless to say, when the final, comprehensive test came along, I realized I had narrowly avoided immediate danger to only place myself in a more precarious situation. The same can be said for how I often would write papers. My final year in college, I wrote the bulk of my final papers the night before they were due. Sure, I wrote outlines and did my research. I even had thorough notes for each one. But that one night was spent in a flurry of desperate activity, mad I procrastinated.

I had done minimal work for minimal reward in each situation. While the immediate reward was great, it left me with something more monumental to consider later in the year. This does not simply apply to school work, either. There can be circumstances in work, personal life, relationships, even your Faith where this can be demonstrated.

For example, at work, you take each day as it comes, setting up the files and having them on hand. Then, suddenly, your superior wants a full, comprehensive document you created with all the values inputted from the time of conception. If you were only taking it day-by-day, you may not have entered every value necessary.

In relationships, this is commonly known as "too little, too late." Have you ever talked to a friend who tells you they didn't realize it until it was too late that their love was gone? Bruno Mars just had a song come out that capitalizes on this situation:

(Chorus)

Hmmm too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers and held your hand
Should have gave you all my hours when I had the chance
Take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby is dancing, but she's dancing with another man.

We get as much as we give. If we do the bare minimum in our lives to get by, can we truly say we are living life to the fullest? Instead of buying that diamond for your significant other when it's too late, why not do little things to reinforce how much you value that person? I know I try to do this with my fiancé. It isn't always perfect and doesn't always work out. But hopefully he knows from my efforts that I love him.

He does the same for me. One night, when it was snowing and I worked late, I came out to my car. It was encased in ice, about a quarter inch thick! I turned the key in my door and pulled hard, almost falling on the ice around my car. And what was inside, but an ice scraper and a note from my fiancé telling me that he can't wait to see me and to be careful driving home. No diamond. No riches. Just his emotions and love written in a note and shown in an ice scraper.

So the next time you are faced with this scenario in any situation in life, why not avoid moving into the next lane like the crow and fly out of the road instead? Take proactive measures to anything. Believe me, I need to take my own advice! Instead of narrowly avoiding disaster, why not take steps to stay out of harm’s way? So please, don't play in the streets and enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Emotionless

One of my all time favorite books is The Giver by Lois Lowry.  I strongly recommend everyone read this book several times.  Even as I write this, I want to read it again.  This book is along the same lines as George Orwell's 1984, discussing society as if it was something that could be so completely controlled and observed.  In The Giver, you literally were numbed.  A mate, a life partner was selected for you.  Children were birthed by women who would continuously give birth for about 3 years and work hard labor the rest of their life.  Twins could not exist.  Pills were handed out to prevent emotions, arousal and other human interactions.

Here are two quotes from the book"

“I liked the feeling of love,' [Jonas] confessed. He glanced nervously at the speaker on the wall, reassuring himself that no one was listening. 'I wish we still had that,' he whispered. 'Of course,' he added quickly, 'I do understand that it wouldn't work very well. And that it's much better to be organized the way we are now. I can see that it was a dangerous way to live.'"

“What if they were allowed to choose their own mate? And chose wrong?”

Think about what these quotes are illustrating.  In the first quote, the main character, Jonas, is discussing experiencing love for the first time.  He admits to liking it (the speaker represents the every-present ears), but also admits to the impracticality of it within the society.  How love can be a dangerous way to live.  The second quote is similar to that is illustrating how controlled these character's lives are.  Their life mates, emotions, even their careers are selected for them.  There is even a big ceremony at the end of a school year to assign jobs.

In our society, we stress the importance of individuality and personal choice.  Can you imagine a world where that is taken from us...in order to protect us?  Now reflect on the world as it exists.  We are politically correct because people become offended by what we say.  But offense comes from an emotional place.  We connect what someone else says with how we feel when they say it.  This is how emotions become involved.

Think about how you many not be able to talk politics or religion with those around you.  Perhaps it is too emotionally charged for it to be a reasonable, level-headed conversation?  Perhaps you can respect someone else's opinion but doubts your conversation partner can respect yours.  I can see where emotions can be a perceived danger.  However, if we shield emotions from those around us, are we not creating a society not much different from that of the book?  This is why this culture of complacency in our world is dangerous.  If we continue to let others control what happens in our world without our voice being heard, are we not putting our way of life in danger of being destroyed?

I highly recommend, as said in the beginning of this blog, to read The Giver by Lois Lowry.  I believe I will need to find a copy again and re-read it myself.  Books like this hold a good lesson for us.  For now, enjoy a thing called "La Vie."

Having Hope

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Hope (verb):

(intransitive verb)

1: to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>

2 archaic: trust

 

(transitive verb)

1: to desire with expectation of obtainment

2: to expect with confidence : trust

 

Hope (noun):

 

1 archaic: trust, reliance

2 a: desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment <came in hopes of seeing you>;   also: expectation of fulfillment or success <no hope of a cure>

   b: someone or something on which hopes are centered <our only hope for victory>

   c: something hoped for

 

...Hope...

What is it?  What does it mean to you....to me...to our society?

As shown by the definitions provided, hope can act as two different parts of the sentence.  It can both be a noun and a verb.  That verb can be transitive (meaning it is an action on a third object) or intransitive (meaning it is impressed on ourselves).  With so many definitions, what does hope mean to us?

As children, we all had hope.  Remember hoping Santa would come down the chimney and flood the house with presents from top to bottom?  Remember on your birthday maybe going to bed with jitters in your stomach, hoping for that one thing you just couldn't live without?  Even as we started growing older, the hope still held on to us.  Hope for good grades, for a part in a school play or show, to make a sports team.  So....

where did all that hope go????

I think the more we become consciously aware of our personal impact on our lives, the less hope we have.  We begin to try and control outcomes, as opposed to hoping for them.  Hope is for those who don't have control, we might imagine.  But what if hope is exactly what we are missing in our lives?

 

I have noticed that I don't get too excited over things anymore.  Christmas isn't near as thrilling as it was when I was, say 6.  But is that because Christmas changed or because I changed my outlook on life and lost a bit of that child-like hope?

 

Remember Jim Carrey in How the Grinch Stole Christmas?  And Cindy Lou Who was trying to find her place.  She sang a song that read, "Where are you Christmas?/ Why can't I find you?/ Why have you gone away?/ My world is changing,/ I'm rearranging/ Does that mean Christmas changes too?"

 

Does it?  I think we all know the answer.  Christmas doesn't change but we change as adults and that impacts the world as we know it.  We lose the magic, the spark, the Hope that Christmas possess and entrances children with.  I know I miss having that.  It goes back to the Trust that children have that I wrote about a few days ago.  We lose Trust in our child-like whims and pleasures and think we will be OK without these things.  However, I believe we all need a little bit of Hope in our lives.

 

The changed necessary to bring hope back into the main picture will be monumental.  Those changes take time.  Hope now has to be replanted into society where it was so viciously uprooted and casted aside for better things, such as modernization.

 

But I know one thing I lost hope in was in my faith and belief system.  Now, I know not everyone is religious but maybe your belief system you lost hope in was yourself.  I know I lost hope in myself too.  It is a dark and desolate place, I wouldn't wish my enemies there even.  I have to replant that seed, replant Hope into my life.  I want to have hope for my family, my siblings, my loved ones and someday, my children.  I want to be able to get excited for them, with them and celebrate their hope.  It is difficult to do without having a bit of hope yourself, no?

 

I invite you to sit down and think about the last time you felt Hope.  I know I felt it faintly every time I applied for a job before I am at my current employer.  I felt Hope when my fiancé first started talking to me.  But I gave up on it.  Case in point: the day I started talking to the man who is now my fiancé, I told my mom that it would never work.  Despite my exposure to my parents' fairytale story, I told her that no one my age wants to work at long distance (he was in Virginia, I was in North Carolina).  That is is a diseas of our times. 

 

I didn't have hope....at a time when I should

have possessed it the most.....

Look at us now!

 

Hope and the ability to hope needs to be relearned.  Think about what brings you hope.  Recreate the moment.  I know it is something I need to do.  Right now, I am hoping to have a good time tomorrow with my fiancé on our first day date in a while.  I can't wait.  Until next time, enjoy this little thing...a thing called, "La Vie."



Finding Faith

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Faith (n.):

1 a: allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty

   b (1): fidelity to one's promises       (2): sincerity of intentions

 

2 a (1): belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2): belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion

   b (1): firm belief in something for which there is no proof       (2): complete trust

 

I invite you to review the definitions of Faith provided by Merriam-Webster Online.  Reflect that the first definition, a more secular one, is geared more towards our interactions as men and women of this Earth.  Notice it is defined as a loyalty to a duty or a person.  Thus why we say such things as, "I have faith in you."

 

Reflect, now, on the second definition.  This is clearly the more religious undertaking of the term, more commonly referred to, not as faith, but as Faith.  The reason I capitalize it is due to the fact that it is referring to an intangible and incomprehensible power.  To God.  It also gives it differentiation in my writings.  I can talk about my faith in others and my Faith in God.  But this is more than reflections of faith and the definition thereof.  This is about finding Faith.

 

As I mentioned in my first entry, I am Catholic.  However, as the majority of people experience, events in my life caused me to pause and turn slightly from my Faith and system of beliefs.  I stopped attending church.  I cried everytime I was there.  The sorrow filled me to the brim and I felt as though my chest was heavy.  I couldn't walk in there.  I felt it was a lie.  I felt misguided and wandering, like in the desert, searching for answers.  All along, I know I should have kept going.  Hindsight is 20/20.  But I was in college.  I had better things to do, right?

 

I knew best.

 

Well, several forks in the road, disastrous turns and other good intentions gone bad, I had come full circle.  I didn't know it yet, of course.  I still felt lost.  Honestly, I can't put my finger on the moment that I came to realize that church was exactly where I needed to be.  I know when I met my fiancé, I initially rebuked church, saying I could be OK on my own.  Finally, we went to the church he attended at that time and I succumbed to tears.  It was around Mother's Day, I believe.  I don't know what song it was or how it came to pass, but I cried.  And I needed to cry.

 

Too long, I had held back my emotions.  The hurt, pain, tears, fears and everything that held me back.  I had been bottled, capped and set on a shelf until that point of expiration.  And I exploded.

 

I know that day, the pastor made us seek another place to worship.  His words were not of the Christian spirit in our hearts.  But the service invoked memories in me that had been part of a catalyst to my downward spiral: memories of my Nanna

 

Nanna, my maternal grandmother, was a remarkable woman.  I remember coming home from elementary school and going to the apartment my family had built for her joining our home.  Three steps separated our house and hers.  Three steps and a laundry room.  I loved hearing stories of my grandfather, who passes away before my birth.  To see his metals from World War 2 and to talk to her about her experiences.  But most of all, I think about the Bible she gave me.  And the inscription she wrote on the inside page.  Although I do not currently remember verbatim and do not have it with me for easy reference, it encouraged me to continue my walk with Christ.

 

The spring of my Junior year in high school, we moved.  I changed high schools.  I put on a brave face.  And it didn't leave for years.  During that summer, my dad had taken me and my two younger sisters to the beach.  Mom called, urging us home.  Nanna was slipping from us.  The day my mom came home and told me Nanna had passed caused my world to crumble.  Although she told all of us there was an enormous amount of peace following her last breath, I was immediately lost.  In the span of 4 months, approximately, I felt as though I had lost my home and a piece of my world.

 

I didn't cry at her funeral.  I told myself I couldn't.  They played my favorite hymn, "On Eagle's Wings," yet not a tear escaped me.  This is what she would want, I lied to myself.  I didn't mourn, truthfully mourn, her death until about the beginning or a little before 2012.

 

My fiancé has started to bring me back to center.  My family, now more than ever, is my rock.  They have always been there but I have been too blind and lost to see them at the end of my nose.  The day I began mourning for my Nanna was the day I could begin to heal.  To begin to forgive all those who had trespassed against me and who I had trespassed.  To forgive myself for the years of hurt and affliction I had put myself through.  Am I better?  No.  Even to this day, the hate that had consumed me for years still comes boiling over.  On those days, even the sun can't make me come from the shadows.  On those days, I know I am not myself.  But in healing, we must still hurt.  And this is a healing that is more than physical or mental.  It is also emotional and spiritual.  Not only must I mend the relationships between me and the people I know on Earth, but mend the relationship I had lost with God.  I have to have both faith and Faith.

 

I continue to search for the complete inner peace that we all want ultimately.  I know I will find it.  It may take some deep soul searching and consideration, but it is possible.  And this blog is a part of that.  I think it will help me find some of my inner peace I know I need.  And so, I continue my journey of finding Faith and faith.  I will have more to write tomorrow.  Enjoy a thing called "La Vie."

Always Open with an Introduction...

When I edited papers in college, I always stressed the importance of an introduction.  Well, although not a formal paper, an introduction simply must come first.

My name is Laura.  I am 24 years of age and currently reside in Virginia.  I am engaged to a dashing young man, to whom I am a spring chicken.  We are planning our nuptials for October and I am wrapped up in the combination of work, play, plan and sleep.

But I am beginning to learn more and more about, not only my fiancé, but myself as well.  I think the biggest hurdle I have had to overcome is my roots.

My background is Catholic.  My fiancé's background is Baptist.  I love him nonetheless.  But this created an interesting scenario when we starting talking about our nuptials.  Where would they be?  What course do we take?  This is further complicated but the fact that my dearest love is a divorcé.  The requirements for good standing within the Catholic church is that he get an annulment.  So we look for answers...

And look....

                 And look.....

                                                           And look some more....

Truth of the matter is that no one would talk to us.  We wanted information and knowledge is suppose to be free, yes?  In this case, I had just moved to where I am currently so my old parish priest would not speak to me as I was not a part of the parish (even though I was still registered there).  A local parish priest would not speak with me because I was not registered there (even though all I wanted was to have an open conversation between him, myself and my fiancé).

I was confused.  I had always, in my life as a Catholic, been told that the church was a place you could turn to in times of trouble, heartache and need.  I expressed this to the local priest.  I told him that the church should be a safe haven, where lost souls and wandering people should be welcomed.  I was never told my acquiring knowledge would be on a conditional basis.  I was perplexed.

That Sunday, despite the arguments and tension this was creating in our relationship, my fiancé agreed to go with me to Mass.  I knew this was not something he wanted to do, but was doing out of respect for me.  How fitting we attended, as the priest spoke directly to what I had emailed him about.

            "If you are Catholic, you must be in Communion with a church.  You cannot seek answers without being in Communion with a church."

 

....I felt violated.  Now, I realize pastors, priests and clergymen draw their sermon inspiration from reality and can come to terms with that.  Go ahead.  Use my example.  I felt violated because everything I had understood and been taught about my beloved Catholicism had been turned on its head.

 

I dared to approach the priest after Mass with my fiancé begrudgingly behind me.  The priest opened by saying he can't help me, I am not a member of the church.  He wouldn't even sit down with me and discuss the case until I signed a form (that he conveniently did not have with him).  He wouldn't even look at my fiancé, who would be the one to have to file for the annulment.  I was mortified.  He grimaced when my fiancé disclosed his religious background.  I believe he felt as though he was trying to fight for my immortal soul, as he saw I would be lost upon marrying this man.

 

When we left, I cried.....

 

                                                I cried for my disillusionment that I had been subjected to all these years.  Nothing more then self-inflicted, I tell myself.  I guess I have not been studying enough or understood Catechism enough.  I apologized profusely to my fiancé, tears falling onto my clothing, my Sunday best that I felt was tarnished to wear.  Through our struggle, we went to the church we had been attending together.  There, I succumbed to tears again.  I felt my fiancé embrace me and a loving member of our church family hold us together.  I felt lost...to a point, I still do...

 

What does one do when everything you believe has been seemingly torn from you? Some say this is the best time to turn to God.  And I try to, everyday.  That day, at our second service, we stopped the pastor there and my fiancé asked about my dilemma, the reason behind my somber face and wet eyes.  He looked at us and said, "You have the follow the path that you think is reality.  Do you think you can only go to Heaven if you marry in the Catholic church?  (To my fiancé) If she does, then you have to decide whether you can respect that or not." With that, we decided to wed, regardless of the teachings.  My love for him is greater than any religion can define.

 

However, I had thrown a wrench in my relationship.  I had caused flashbacks, blackouts, tears, arguments and disagreements.  Me....all me.  All my fault.

 

That night, I felt a weight on my shoulders that I don't think I have figured out how to lift yet.  It weighs me down, causes me tears and not the unboundless joy for which I am so well-known.  This weight should be effortless but my doubt causes it to be heavy.  It is my Faith.  I trust and know God is there, but I can't understand what His role is.  It confuses me.

 

A friend of mine, Meg, had given me information about a woman by the name of Angela Faddis.  She was a young mother of two who was undergoing treatment for Stage IV colon cancer.  This was sudden and truly tested the bounds of the words, "In sickness and in health" words I will soon say and hold near my heart as well.  I followed her, her husband's and her family's story nearly daily, until her death on September 21, 2012.  The motto on that page I kept reading was "+Jesus, I Trust in You+". A motto I hope to openly and fearlessly adopt. One quote of hers that I found is that:

 

"I want people to know that no matter what, they must trust in Jesus."

 



Perhaps I will elaborate more on Trust tomorrow or the next time I write.  I have exhausted the space and, surely, you, the reader, as exhausted as well.  I hope this blog to be a way to think about how I see life, how life happen, how "La Vie" happen.