Having Hope

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Hope (verb):

(intransitive verb)

1: to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>

2 archaic: trust

 

(transitive verb)

1: to desire with expectation of obtainment

2: to expect with confidence : trust

 

Hope (noun):

 

1 archaic: trust, reliance

2 a: desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment <came in hopes of seeing you>;   also: expectation of fulfillment or success <no hope of a cure>

   b: someone or something on which hopes are centered <our only hope for victory>

   c: something hoped for

 

...Hope...

What is it?  What does it mean to you....to me...to our society?

As shown by the definitions provided, hope can act as two different parts of the sentence.  It can both be a noun and a verb.  That verb can be transitive (meaning it is an action on a third object) or intransitive (meaning it is impressed on ourselves).  With so many definitions, what does hope mean to us?

As children, we all had hope.  Remember hoping Santa would come down the chimney and flood the house with presents from top to bottom?  Remember on your birthday maybe going to bed with jitters in your stomach, hoping for that one thing you just couldn't live without?  Even as we started growing older, the hope still held on to us.  Hope for good grades, for a part in a school play or show, to make a sports team.  So....

where did all that hope go????

I think the more we become consciously aware of our personal impact on our lives, the less hope we have.  We begin to try and control outcomes, as opposed to hoping for them.  Hope is for those who don't have control, we might imagine.  But what if hope is exactly what we are missing in our lives?

 

I have noticed that I don't get too excited over things anymore.  Christmas isn't near as thrilling as it was when I was, say 6.  But is that because Christmas changed or because I changed my outlook on life and lost a bit of that child-like hope?

 

Remember Jim Carrey in How the Grinch Stole Christmas?  And Cindy Lou Who was trying to find her place.  She sang a song that read, "Where are you Christmas?/ Why can't I find you?/ Why have you gone away?/ My world is changing,/ I'm rearranging/ Does that mean Christmas changes too?"

 

Does it?  I think we all know the answer.  Christmas doesn't change but we change as adults and that impacts the world as we know it.  We lose the magic, the spark, the Hope that Christmas possess and entrances children with.  I know I miss having that.  It goes back to the Trust that children have that I wrote about a few days ago.  We lose Trust in our child-like whims and pleasures and think we will be OK without these things.  However, I believe we all need a little bit of Hope in our lives.

 

The changed necessary to bring hope back into the main picture will be monumental.  Those changes take time.  Hope now has to be replanted into society where it was so viciously uprooted and casted aside for better things, such as modernization.

 

But I know one thing I lost hope in was in my faith and belief system.  Now, I know not everyone is religious but maybe your belief system you lost hope in was yourself.  I know I lost hope in myself too.  It is a dark and desolate place, I wouldn't wish my enemies there even.  I have to replant that seed, replant Hope into my life.  I want to have hope for my family, my siblings, my loved ones and someday, my children.  I want to be able to get excited for them, with them and celebrate their hope.  It is difficult to do without having a bit of hope yourself, no?

 

I invite you to sit down and think about the last time you felt Hope.  I know I felt it faintly every time I applied for a job before I am at my current employer.  I felt Hope when my fiancé first started talking to me.  But I gave up on it.  Case in point: the day I started talking to the man who is now my fiancé, I told my mom that it would never work.  Despite my exposure to my parents' fairytale story, I told her that no one my age wants to work at long distance (he was in Virginia, I was in North Carolina).  That is is a diseas of our times. 

 

I didn't have hope....at a time when I should

have possessed it the most.....

Look at us now!

 

Hope and the ability to hope needs to be relearned.  Think about what brings you hope.  Recreate the moment.  I know it is something I need to do.  Right now, I am hoping to have a good time tomorrow with my fiancé on our first day date in a while.  I can't wait.  Until next time, enjoy this little thing...a thing called, "La Vie."



Finding Faith

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Faith (n.):

1 a: allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty

   b (1): fidelity to one's promises       (2): sincerity of intentions

 

2 a (1): belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2): belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion

   b (1): firm belief in something for which there is no proof       (2): complete trust

 

I invite you to review the definitions of Faith provided by Merriam-Webster Online.  Reflect that the first definition, a more secular one, is geared more towards our interactions as men and women of this Earth.  Notice it is defined as a loyalty to a duty or a person.  Thus why we say such things as, "I have faith in you."

 

Reflect, now, on the second definition.  This is clearly the more religious undertaking of the term, more commonly referred to, not as faith, but as Faith.  The reason I capitalize it is due to the fact that it is referring to an intangible and incomprehensible power.  To God.  It also gives it differentiation in my writings.  I can talk about my faith in others and my Faith in God.  But this is more than reflections of faith and the definition thereof.  This is about finding Faith.

 

As I mentioned in my first entry, I am Catholic.  However, as the majority of people experience, events in my life caused me to pause and turn slightly from my Faith and system of beliefs.  I stopped attending church.  I cried everytime I was there.  The sorrow filled me to the brim and I felt as though my chest was heavy.  I couldn't walk in there.  I felt it was a lie.  I felt misguided and wandering, like in the desert, searching for answers.  All along, I know I should have kept going.  Hindsight is 20/20.  But I was in college.  I had better things to do, right?

 

I knew best.

 

Well, several forks in the road, disastrous turns and other good intentions gone bad, I had come full circle.  I didn't know it yet, of course.  I still felt lost.  Honestly, I can't put my finger on the moment that I came to realize that church was exactly where I needed to be.  I know when I met my fiancé, I initially rebuked church, saying I could be OK on my own.  Finally, we went to the church he attended at that time and I succumbed to tears.  It was around Mother's Day, I believe.  I don't know what song it was or how it came to pass, but I cried.  And I needed to cry.

 

Too long, I had held back my emotions.  The hurt, pain, tears, fears and everything that held me back.  I had been bottled, capped and set on a shelf until that point of expiration.  And I exploded.

 

I know that day, the pastor made us seek another place to worship.  His words were not of the Christian spirit in our hearts.  But the service invoked memories in me that had been part of a catalyst to my downward spiral: memories of my Nanna

 

Nanna, my maternal grandmother, was a remarkable woman.  I remember coming home from elementary school and going to the apartment my family had built for her joining our home.  Three steps separated our house and hers.  Three steps and a laundry room.  I loved hearing stories of my grandfather, who passes away before my birth.  To see his metals from World War 2 and to talk to her about her experiences.  But most of all, I think about the Bible she gave me.  And the inscription she wrote on the inside page.  Although I do not currently remember verbatim and do not have it with me for easy reference, it encouraged me to continue my walk with Christ.

 

The spring of my Junior year in high school, we moved.  I changed high schools.  I put on a brave face.  And it didn't leave for years.  During that summer, my dad had taken me and my two younger sisters to the beach.  Mom called, urging us home.  Nanna was slipping from us.  The day my mom came home and told me Nanna had passed caused my world to crumble.  Although she told all of us there was an enormous amount of peace following her last breath, I was immediately lost.  In the span of 4 months, approximately, I felt as though I had lost my home and a piece of my world.

 

I didn't cry at her funeral.  I told myself I couldn't.  They played my favorite hymn, "On Eagle's Wings," yet not a tear escaped me.  This is what she would want, I lied to myself.  I didn't mourn, truthfully mourn, her death until about the beginning or a little before 2012.

 

My fiancé has started to bring me back to center.  My family, now more than ever, is my rock.  They have always been there but I have been too blind and lost to see them at the end of my nose.  The day I began mourning for my Nanna was the day I could begin to heal.  To begin to forgive all those who had trespassed against me and who I had trespassed.  To forgive myself for the years of hurt and affliction I had put myself through.  Am I better?  No.  Even to this day, the hate that had consumed me for years still comes boiling over.  On those days, even the sun can't make me come from the shadows.  On those days, I know I am not myself.  But in healing, we must still hurt.  And this is a healing that is more than physical or mental.  It is also emotional and spiritual.  Not only must I mend the relationships between me and the people I know on Earth, but mend the relationship I had lost with God.  I have to have both faith and Faith.

 

I continue to search for the complete inner peace that we all want ultimately.  I know I will find it.  It may take some deep soul searching and consideration, but it is possible.  And this blog is a part of that.  I think it will help me find some of my inner peace I know I need.  And so, I continue my journey of finding Faith and faith.  I will have more to write tomorrow.  Enjoy a thing called "La Vie."