What's Your Problem?

In several of my past posts, I have mentioned about how I was teased or how I care what people think so much.  You may have been wanting hear more of that story.  Part of this need for acceptance is that I am a People-pleaser.  I want to make people happy, either by making them laugh or the work that I do.  Because of this, I seek verification from those around me.

In 6th grade, I changed from a private, Catholic school to a public middle school.  I was so excited, I could finally wear what I wanted to wear!  No more jumpers or blouses or button down shirts in either yellow or white, the emblem of the school embroidered on the shoulder.  I never knew I would come to miss those days so much.  I had some trouble in the 5th grade.  I was ostracized from the rest of my classmates, estranged.  I thought that changing schools would change the problem...

Growing up, I liked wearing baggy clothes.  Looking back, I think this might stem from the idea that I was not ready to embrace my budding body or the idea that I was becoming a woman.  I also really liked playing sports with anyone, man or woman.  This got me into trouble and the teasing commenced.  My sexuality was called into question and teased.  Later, I would receive fake "Secret Admirer" notes, penned by the popular kids, in order to witness my embarrassment.  I had friends actually get suspended, trying to defend my character.  I had teachers trying to help, but no matter what they or anyone said, it never stopped.

I remember coming home, feeling as though my world was falling apart.  My friends I had from the beginning of public school suddenly started to abandon me.  They shared the rumors that were going around, saying I wasn't good for their image.  In 8th grade, the most gross of all the accusations happened.  I won't go into it because I am so saddened by how someone's hate can twist my words so drastically.  I would come home, crying.  My cat, Tiger (now 16 years old), was my only comfort.  My violin brought me a little bit of happiness in the world.  My family tried to comfort me.  But I felt so hurt.

I was lucky.  The districts were re-zoned and I did not have to go to school with those kids again.  I started a new school and found a new place in marching band.  My family moved near the end of my Junior year and I started anew again.  I was ready to go to college.

My mom is one of the amazing women who, while in college, would send me care packages or little notes of encouragement.  I still have the clipping she gave me from one of the notes.  It hung in my dorm room year after year.  It was a clipping from a news paper and it read, "What's your problem?"  I remember the card with it, my mom's handwriting bringing back so many thoughts and memories. She encouraged me to remember that the only reason anyone has a problem with me was because they have a problem with themselves.  On the clipping she wrote, "It's catching on!"  It was the mantra she gave me before I went to school and the mantra I try to maintain to this day.

My mom posted the picture at the top on Facebook and tagged me in it.  It made me think about these times and how much my family and faithful friends have helped me and pulled me through the dark time.  But the words are true.  How can you be free without being you?  And who defines who you are but yourself, barring any input from the outside world?

Thank you, Mom, for always reminding me that there is no other more powerful person than that of myself.  I love you very much.  Just know that my complaint department is still open!  Give Tiger and all the family and hug and a kiss from me.  And "just keep swimming."

A Mass Departure into a New Beginning

Exodus, n.-

1 capitalized: The mainly narrative second book of canonical Jewish and Christian Scripture
2: A mass departure: emigration

Parting of the Red Sea, as depicted in Prince of Egypt.

One of my favorite books in the Bible is Exodus.  The first definition lays reason for this, as it is almost purely narrative telling of the Jews plight in Egypt and how Moses was able to lead them out to the Promise Land.  As a younger child, I was entranced by the idea of the hardships these people encountered, as well as the might of God as he helped Moses guide them from Egypt.  It is a fascination that has been with my my entire life as I have constantly loved reading and researching about the ancient Egyptians.  I thoroughly enjoyed the fact that in modern times, Prince of Egypt was released, a cartoon rendition of the story from Exodus.  The songs are haunting and beautiful.  If you have not seen this, I strongly recommend the movie.

Why am I writing about this, you may be asking.  Last Sunday, on Easter, the assistance pastor of the church my fiance and I attend spoke on how when the Hebrews went into the desert, fleeing from the Land of Egypt, they began to complain that they would be much happier for the leeks and garlic of Egypt.  I have been pondering this sermon for the whole of the week.  I decided to seek out the verse myself and found this:

2 Here in the desert the whole Israelite community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. 3 The Israelites said to them, "Would that we had died at the LORD's hand in the land of Egypt, as we sat by our fleshpots and ate our fill of bread! But you had to lead us into this desert to make the whole community die of famine!"

Exodus 16: 2-4,  New American Bible,  Catholic Word Press

A "fleshpot" as defined by bible-history.com is taken to mean "One of the six kinds of cooking utensils spoken of as pots or pans or cauldrons or basins. Probably usually made of bronze or earthenware."  You may be thinking about this and, knowing what Moses had gone through to allow their freedom and the scourges that were prevented from falling on their heads (mainly the Plagues), why on Earth would these people grumble to such extent?

This was the base of the sermon on Easter and how the Lord will provide.  But how can someone not help but grumble and complain when they are so uncertain of their future?  Consider this: In Egypt, the Israelites knew hour by hour, day by day what would happen.  Once they left that world, they did not know what would become of them.  This, for anyone, is a scary situation to be in!  They have been taken from their beds, their pots, packing unleavened bread, and leaving all that they knew for all that they didn't.

In the sermon, there was also reference to how, while Moses was on the mountain, receiving the Ten Commandments, how a golden calf was constructed.  The assistance pastor commented that this was because this is all that the Israelites recognized as god.  They were associating what they had learned from Egypt and creating what they considered would be God to worship.  In truth, we know why Moses had come down from the mountain and, seeing this, became angered.  However, it can no more be attributed to their lack of knowledge as to who God really is.

Up until this time, man would see a miracle and make that miracle a god.  These gods ranges from the elements to animals to other human beings.  If we do not know who God is or what He is, how else could they color Him?  The pursuit of God and Faith is rife with these incidents.  As we know, God was good to the Israelites and blessed them, despite their doubt and distrust in Him.

So often, we become comfortable in our surroundings that when we are taken from them, we begin to long for the world that we know was bad for us.  We do not trust the plan that is in place for us.  When we leave a world, a life that we know, we fear what we do not.  I have been fortunate to never had gotten into drugs or alcohol to the point of addiction, but this can be especially true for addicts.  They cannot remember a world void of the substance which has, in effect, became a god.  To leave that world can be scary and daunting for them.

I just thought this was a beautiful picture, perfect for the idea of this post.

Fear not the world you come into.  Fear the one you leave.  Often times, the comforts of what we have known become our biggest pitfalls into old habits.  This is why support systems in our lives are so important to kicking any addiction, be it of a substance, of the flesh, of ill living or anything else that is preventing us from living fully.  You may not want to turn to the one I know as God.  But even to leave those dark corridors of your life, you need motivation and support.  I invite everyone to reflect on their habits and life.  Even I constantly must reflect on the life I lead.  Together, we can build a community to help one another overcome the obstacles laying in our paths.  We all stand on the precipice of life and on the edge of a great cliff.  Together, we can survive the things that may cause us to tumble into the valley below.