If they say it on the Internet/Radio/Television...

Modern TV family

...it must be true!

Are you familiar with that ad?  I believe it is for State Farm insurance.  The gentleman is mapping his accident on his cell phone when a women walks up.  She is all about how they can't post any lies on the Internet.  Then she says her date, who is a French model, is coming who she met on the Internet.  He is far from a model and, from the look on his face, you can tell he lied to her.

Why am I bringing this up?  These media sources (radio, Internet, television) are ways we learn about how to deal with things and how products come into our homes.  Last night, on the way home from work, I heard a radio ad aimed at parents of unfocused children.  The advertised product was a game, a video game, that your child was able to play and learn to focus and learn overall.  They were giving away demos.  Not only did just this idea make me sad but at the very end of the ad was a startling statement.  It was not in the wording of a typical disclaimer.  Instead of "May not be effective for all children," it said, "Your child may not be successful."

How powerful.  Parents only want the best for their children, only want their children to succeed.  Otherwise, why would they buy such a product.  But the power in the statement that takes the blame of effectiveness off the product and places it on the child.  Therefore, if your child does not improve or succeed, it is the fault of the child, not the product.

The other component that blows my mind in this advertisement is the idea that a child can gain these skills all through a video game.  But then again, we are a generation that let's our televisions babysit for us.  Whenever we have my fiance's son over, I am amazed at how much his life revolves around the TV.  We try to turn it off for him to settle down for the night, only to be met with cries that a certain show was about to come on or should be coming on.  He has asked us if he can fall asleep on the sofa, watching TV.  When he is watching it, he is in a trance.

I will admit that when I watch TV, I sometimes tune the rest of the world out.  My escape.  It shouldn't be.  My art should be my escape, my music should be my escape, as should my relationship and my family and friends.  Unfortunately, by the time I get home some nights, there isn't time.  For example, all this week, I do not get home until after 9:30 every night.  Once home, it's time for me to finish everything else that needs to be done around the house, for myself and the meal.

Life gets crazy and hectic.  But that is never reason enough to set aside the relationships between people in order to hush a room with a movie or TV.  And these things will not help our children, our youth get better in school.  When I heard the radio commercial, I immediately tried to reflect back on how I was taught to focus.  I wasn't taught with TV, video games or Internet.  Those were things I was privileged to if I earned them.  Otherwise, I knew to pay attention, to listen, to do well in school.  I knew how to play by myself and with my sisters.

Perhaps with having television babysitting our children, it causes inattentiveness.  We try to talk to the youth while they are lost in another world.  It could be teaching them that it is OK to ignore an adult.  If we don't like something on TV or on the radio, we just change the channel.  At school, there is no channel to change.  If a student gets "bored," they will lose focus and have difficulty refocusing.  When children play by themselves or with other children, they learn important social skills, creative thinking and problem solving.  When they watch TV, they learn a completely different set of values and not actively either.  There is both active and passive learning.  Active learning is when the child is participating in an activity that helps them retain this information.  It could be singing a song, writing something down.  An example of this is when I wrote the alphabet and challenged my fiance's son to write each letter.  Passive learning is when you watch something and absorb the information.  At a young age, however, not all the information may be absorbed in this manner.  Maybe some facts will and others will not.

Maybe no more than a year ago, my mom handed me an article about games.  It was teaching parents ideas of games to play with their children outside.  They were games I played when I was a child.  Seeing something like this makes me very sad.  I know we are a world that is constantly rushing around until we are exhausted, not leaving time enough to enjoy with our families.  But is the extra three dollars worth losing your family, losing your relationships with your family, your children?

The Salt and the Light

While on my way to work one day this week, I heard this song by Rhett Walker Band come on the radio.  Now, I have never been a big one for Christian music.  My family never really listened to it at home and I tried to avoid it outside of the home.  The only time I really had to listen to it was because I went to Oneighty with a friend of mine in middle school.  It was a setting where kids in the community could go to have fun and then hear an "obligatory word of God" for the last hour of the night.  On Fridays, they had 5th Quarter, where students can come after football games and hang out.

I respected everyone's views being different but the struggle came from my views not being respected.  Again, I was raised Catholic.  Catholicism has always been something that, when I bring it up, it is frowned upon.  Mind you, my fiance's different background was frowned upon when we spoke with a priest as well.

Over the last few days, both the words of this song and an experience at World Youth Day in Canada has caused me to think.  The lyrics of the song strongly reflect feelings I have experienced for a long time in my life.  That of pride, of knowing what is best in my life:

                                       V1: I'm torn between myself and your truth

These cursed memories, forever seeping through

My thirst for myself left me wanting more

Till I found myself face down on your shore

Chorus

V2: My restless heart, led me astray

To my selfish pride I became my own slave

But you placed a thirst in me with no drink in sight

'Cause I could not see till I saw through your eyes

These lyrics paint the experience, the path I walked down for many years.  The confusion I faced and tried to overcome, the feeling of being lost and alone.  This song, the chorus (which is not included in the above lyrics), is trying to illustrate the meaninglessness of worrying, to lay burdens down and trust all will be well.  Won't my fiance be happy to read this, as it is something he has been preaching to me for the entirety of our relationship?

I mentioned World Youth Day.  This is an event for the Catholic youth.  Youth from all over the world come to a selected city and celebrate Mass together, make friends together, share experiences together and live together.  I remember myself and a friend of mine were suppose to be too young to attend, but we were given special permission by our parish priest.  What a week it was!  We slept in a school, with groups from 

Trinidad across from the girls room I was in.  We shared meals together with other groups from all over the nation and world.  The last night we were there, we were sleeping outside in anticipation of hearing the then Pope John Paul II speak and hold mass the net day.  We slept in boxes, talked with our peers and walked around.  The next morning, it was rainy, the boxes disintegrating under the weight of the water.  Suddenly, it stopped when the Pope came to the stage/altar.

The message of this trip was Matthew 5:13-14, "You are the salt of the earth....you are the light of the world."  I remember hearing animated stories about this and what it means.  I remember attending a Mass where the priest said, "A radical Christian is a salty Christian!"  The verses, in their entirety (Matthew 5: 13-16) are this:

¹³ “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.

¹⁴ “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵ Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. ¹⁶ In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

We carry the weight of our faiths on our shoulders.  We alone as responsible for it thriving and growing.  We have to provide the flavor of the world and the light all around.  Even if not in solely a religious ideology, we should be a light, a beacon to those who need help, support and love.  Perhaps you have needed that in the past and felt yourself gravitate to someone who was a stranger to you.  Perhaps you found yourself telling a stranger your life story, not really knowing what prompted you.  And perhaps, because of this serendipity, you felt all the better.

Yes, I have had incidences and experiences in my life that are far from favorable.  But I also have points in time that I should celebrate.  I have experienced now that should be celebrated.  I know I need to stop fretting and worrying, stressing and carrying things I have no control over.  Maybe you need to reflect this as well.  Remember, a thing called, "La Vie" comes and passes so quickly that it can be gone in a blink of an eye.  Try to not let it pass without enjoying it.

What's Your Problem?

In several of my past posts, I have mentioned about how I was teased or how I care what people think so much.  You may have been wanting hear more of that story.  Part of this need for acceptance is that I am a People-pleaser.  I want to make people happy, either by making them laugh or the work that I do.  Because of this, I seek verification from those around me.

In 6th grade, I changed from a private, Catholic school to a public middle school.  I was so excited, I could finally wear what I wanted to wear!  No more jumpers or blouses or button down shirts in either yellow or white, the emblem of the school embroidered on the shoulder.  I never knew I would come to miss those days so much.  I had some trouble in the 5th grade.  I was ostracized from the rest of my classmates, estranged.  I thought that changing schools would change the problem...

Growing up, I liked wearing baggy clothes.  Looking back, I think this might stem from the idea that I was not ready to embrace my budding body or the idea that I was becoming a woman.  I also really liked playing sports with anyone, man or woman.  This got me into trouble and the teasing commenced.  My sexuality was called into question and teased.  Later, I would receive fake "Secret Admirer" notes, penned by the popular kids, in order to witness my embarrassment.  I had friends actually get suspended, trying to defend my character.  I had teachers trying to help, but no matter what they or anyone said, it never stopped.

I remember coming home, feeling as though my world was falling apart.  My friends I had from the beginning of public school suddenly started to abandon me.  They shared the rumors that were going around, saying I wasn't good for their image.  In 8th grade, the most gross of all the accusations happened.  I won't go into it because I am so saddened by how someone's hate can twist my words so drastically.  I would come home, crying.  My cat, Tiger (now 16 years old), was my only comfort.  My violin brought me a little bit of happiness in the world.  My family tried to comfort me.  But I felt so hurt.

I was lucky.  The districts were re-zoned and I did not have to go to school with those kids again.  I started a new school and found a new place in marching band.  My family moved near the end of my Junior year and I started anew again.  I was ready to go to college.

My mom is one of the amazing women who, while in college, would send me care packages or little notes of encouragement.  I still have the clipping she gave me from one of the notes.  It hung in my dorm room year after year.  It was a clipping from a news paper and it read, "What's your problem?"  I remember the card with it, my mom's handwriting bringing back so many thoughts and memories. She encouraged me to remember that the only reason anyone has a problem with me was because they have a problem with themselves.  On the clipping she wrote, "It's catching on!"  It was the mantra she gave me before I went to school and the mantra I try to maintain to this day.

My mom posted the picture at the top on Facebook and tagged me in it.  It made me think about these times and how much my family and faithful friends have helped me and pulled me through the dark time.  But the words are true.  How can you be free without being you?  And who defines who you are but yourself, barring any input from the outside world?

Thank you, Mom, for always reminding me that there is no other more powerful person than that of myself.  I love you very much.  Just know that my complaint department is still open!  Give Tiger and all the family and hug and a kiss from me.  And "just keep swimming."

The Power to Change

If you have any intimate knowledge of me as a person, you know my weight is something I have struggled with for a great part of my life.  I have a low self-esteem.  I like to think I hide it well, with the exception of being around those who make me feel comfortable.  But it comes out.  At work, it comes out in a lack of confidence in my job.  I annoy my fiance by saying, "I am going to be fired!  I am not good at my job."  At home, it comes out by hating each piece of food I put in my mouth.

I have said before that if I had the "strength," I would be anorexic.  I thank God that I do not have the strength nor the desperation to fall into any eating disorder such as Anorexia or Bulimia.  But I have read the Thinspiration blogs.  I have made myself eat less to try and not binge later.  My relationship with food is poor, at best.  I will feel bad about myself, talking to my fiance about how I need to lose weight.  Yet, as soon as I get home, I get something to eat.  I hate every bite I have but I can't stop.

I have come to realize that I am addicted to food.  Like any addict, this is my coping mechanism.  I realized this several years ago.  My last two years in college, I had done a complete 180.  I had lost about 50 lbs.  I was working out, counting calories and trying so hard to improve myself.  This makes me feel almost worse about going back to where I was.  After I lost that weight, I found a plateau.  My mom was being supportive and being such, she asked me why I didn't think I could go farther.  My fiance just recently asked me the same thing.  What I said shocked them, I think: "I am afraid to be skinny because what if that isn't good enough for me?"

At my job, I work on a smoking cessation chat project.  I help people stop smoking by giving advice, letting them vent or simply letting them talk out and find the answers to questions.  We all have the tools to best whatever addiction we face.  The photo at the top is something I use for smoking addiction.  I have been meaning to make this list and finally, I have.  The list is this:

I DON'T NEED FOOD!

What I brought is enough.

My wedding day is enough.

My future children are enough.

My next birthday is enough.

My fiance is enough.

I have had enough!

You have the power to change your life.

YOU & no one else!

I have made these affirmations a bookmark.  More importantly, it is sitting in a book my middle sister gave me to read a few months ago (The Weird Sisters by Eleanor Brown).  This for me is necessary.  How can I be an example for my future children or my future stepson if I cannot even love who I see in the mirror?  How can I preach self-esteem when it is a battle I fight every day and night?  How can I fully love my future husband if I struggle to find something in myself to love?

No more!  At some point, in every addict's life, you have to tell yourself it is enough.  The addiction, whether illicit or mundane, is not worth losing a quality of life.  I may fear what will happen from break this, but I fear more what will happen if I do not.  I want to turn "I am afraid" into "Yes, I can" into "Yes I did it!!"  

Is there something in your life you want to change?  It doesn't have to be an addiction but maybe you want to start a hobby or learn something new.  Maybe you want to go back to school or improve yourself.  The only thing stopping you is you.  Make a motivation list, a list of reasons and a list of goals.  Then, make a plan.  We can change what we don't like or better ourselves if we want.  It is all a matter of Self.

Running and Chasing Shadows

When I was a child, I remember playing a game with my shadows.  I would either try to avoid stepping on my shadow or try hiding in my shadow.  I would run from my shadow and try to catch my shadow.  I would stand in my Mom or Dad's shadows.  I was amazed by shadows, how they changed, how they moved with me.  Peter Pan fell into line, when he lost his shadow.  I remember watching the sun change and the shadows grow longer, my shadow riding beside me on its shadow bicycle.  Those are the shadows I played with.

But there are shadows in life that we all have that we do not want to confront.  These are the shadows we either run from or chase away.  They could be things we have seen, experienced or fought from the past.  Unfortunately, as they have helped shape who we are as people, we carry them into the present and will carry them into the future.  How do we face these things?

I have many shadows in my past that I wish I could erase.  I regret things I passed up in life and I regret choices I have made.  I know we aren't suppose to regret life (it's true, life is way too short!), but believe me, it is difficult to overlook.  I can't ignore the bad relationships I have been in.  They helped me realize what it means to be in a good relationship.  I can't ignore the opportunities I have passed up in my life because it reinforces that you have to take chances.  So how do I face these things in the past without letting it ruin my future?

Being open.

Too commonly, we hide in our shadows or simply, hide our shadows.  But hiding the shadows or hiding in them does not give us consolation.  It exacerbates the problem.  If we live in a dark place in life, how can we love how far we have come?  I face my shadows through my relationship.  My fiance has been monumental in helping me come to terms with what I have faced in my past.  The abuse, the self-esteem problems I have developed.  One of the biggest shadows, my shadow Boogieman, if you will, is that I have had peers tell me I would be better off to kill myself.

I have been teased, taunted and tortured.  But with the help of my family and friends, my fiance and through this blog, I am able to face my shadows and be open with what I have experienced.  What is your outlet?  Do you vent when you feel a shadow pulling you into its darkness?  You have to consider that these shadows are like living Depression, following you around.  It can catch your ankles and pull you into its overcast, not leaving any desire to play in the shadows as you did as a child.  But if we can take command of the shadows, we can better explore them when we have to be pulled into them.

As seen below, nothing is ever as it appears.  What may appear one way in the daylight is something completely different in moonlight.  But sometimes, moonlight is the only way to face what we don't want to face.  Moonlight casts a light on things that we can't deny.  Be it by moonlight or daylight, sunlight or rooted in darkness, don't run from your shadows.  Ask to take someone's hand and jump into them.  Only then can they cease having power over us.

Increasing your Vision: A Growth of Self

What is your eyesight like?  Do you have to wear glasses?  What about contact lenses?  Do you ever struggle to see at night or when walking into the bright daylight from a dimly lit corridor?  Are you reflecting on your sight or vision?

When I looked "Vision" up in the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary, several types of definitions came up. Interestingly enough, the first two definitions do not relate at all to the sense.  They define to vision as, "something seen in a dream, trance or ecstasy," or, "the act or power of imagination."  So not only is vision related to the sense of sight, but also can be something that is not really there but imagined.

Today, in church, our pastor began to speak about this very topic (thus why I am writing about it now).  The sermon was entitled, "How is your vision?"  The overall point of his sermon was that you cannot reach a point in life without knowing where that point falls.  The next question may be how is that point determined?  I guess that depends entirely on how your Vision is.

In other words, you have to set your goals of growth in life, because no one will do it for you.  And once you achieve the first goals, you must set yourself higher goals.  Without somewhere to go in life, how can we propel forward?  Take, for example, a student who is graduating high school.  Perhaps they have set a goal to complete college.  In college, there are several sub-goals: passing courses, tests, the long nights of studying.  On that day when they walk across the stage, that goal is achieved.  They now have to decide what their next goal is.

Perhaps they will decide that they have had enough school and they want to go into the workplace.  Perhaps they want to further their education and go onto a Master's program.  We cannot move forward in life without knowing where we have come from and, more importantly, where we are going.  Certainly, sometimes we struggle to determine what path we should go down.  Especially in our youth, that is to be expected.  It is a part of learning what our Vision is.

Like everything in life, Vision of life, growth and future is something that is ever changing and ever evolving.  Today, my Vision for my life is much different from when I was in, say, 3rd grade!  Especially when, in 3rd grade, I was planning on becoming a nun.  But that is the beauty of childhood and having supportive adults to surround those children.  Children, you see, have very blurry Vision.  They daydream and change constantly what they "want to be when they grow up."  The beauty of this is they are free to explore the possibilities while the adults can help wrangle those energies in.

We all play a crucial part in one another's Visions.  We must all support one another because we cannot reach our Visions by ourselves.  Many pitfalls befall across our paths.  However, with Faith and the people around us supporting who we are and where we are going, we can never fall short of our goals or our Visions.  Afterall, we set our Visions and goals, but we all need help to achieve them.