What's Your Problem?

In several of my past posts, I have mentioned about how I was teased or how I care what people think so much.  You may have been wanting hear more of that story.  Part of this need for acceptance is that I am a People-pleaser.  I want to make people happy, either by making them laugh or the work that I do.  Because of this, I seek verification from those around me.

In 6th grade, I changed from a private, Catholic school to a public middle school.  I was so excited, I could finally wear what I wanted to wear!  No more jumpers or blouses or button down shirts in either yellow or white, the emblem of the school embroidered on the shoulder.  I never knew I would come to miss those days so much.  I had some trouble in the 5th grade.  I was ostracized from the rest of my classmates, estranged.  I thought that changing schools would change the problem...

Growing up, I liked wearing baggy clothes.  Looking back, I think this might stem from the idea that I was not ready to embrace my budding body or the idea that I was becoming a woman.  I also really liked playing sports with anyone, man or woman.  This got me into trouble and the teasing commenced.  My sexuality was called into question and teased.  Later, I would receive fake "Secret Admirer" notes, penned by the popular kids, in order to witness my embarrassment.  I had friends actually get suspended, trying to defend my character.  I had teachers trying to help, but no matter what they or anyone said, it never stopped.

I remember coming home, feeling as though my world was falling apart.  My friends I had from the beginning of public school suddenly started to abandon me.  They shared the rumors that were going around, saying I wasn't good for their image.  In 8th grade, the most gross of all the accusations happened.  I won't go into it because I am so saddened by how someone's hate can twist my words so drastically.  I would come home, crying.  My cat, Tiger (now 16 years old), was my only comfort.  My violin brought me a little bit of happiness in the world.  My family tried to comfort me.  But I felt so hurt.

I was lucky.  The districts were re-zoned and I did not have to go to school with those kids again.  I started a new school and found a new place in marching band.  My family moved near the end of my Junior year and I started anew again.  I was ready to go to college.

My mom is one of the amazing women who, while in college, would send me care packages or little notes of encouragement.  I still have the clipping she gave me from one of the notes.  It hung in my dorm room year after year.  It was a clipping from a news paper and it read, "What's your problem?"  I remember the card with it, my mom's handwriting bringing back so many thoughts and memories. She encouraged me to remember that the only reason anyone has a problem with me was because they have a problem with themselves.  On the clipping she wrote, "It's catching on!"  It was the mantra she gave me before I went to school and the mantra I try to maintain to this day.

My mom posted the picture at the top on Facebook and tagged me in it.  It made me think about these times and how much my family and faithful friends have helped me and pulled me through the dark time.  But the words are true.  How can you be free without being you?  And who defines who you are but yourself, barring any input from the outside world?

Thank you, Mom, for always reminding me that there is no other more powerful person than that of myself.  I love you very much.  Just know that my complaint department is still open!  Give Tiger and all the family and hug and a kiss from me.  And "just keep swimming."