Slow to Anger, Quick to Forgive

We all get mad at other people, right?  We all get angry with ourselves and each other.  That is just human nature.  I think the thing we all forget is how to deal with this anger and, if nothing else, how to argue.  That's right, there are different argument styles.

No one wants to argue.  OK, I admit there are people in the world who seem to take great pleasure in antagonising others.  But typically, no one enjoys arguing.  I am such a push-over when it comes to arguments.  I can't stand it when someone is mad at me.  Plus, arguing makes me feel bad both mentally and emotionally.  Who wants to feel that way?

For the longest time, I thought that if you argue in a relationship, the relationship is over.  I would appease the person I was seeing in order to prevent an argument.  Meanwhile, my happiness was draining from my body.  I have no joy in life.  I didn't even feel like I had the privilege of asking to do something I wanted to do.  I was scared.  Scared to have an opinion or, at least, a different one.

Fortunately, I am not lack of opinion in my current relationship.  We may butt heads, but it so nice to be able to disagree and come to accept that in one another.  Our arguments don't last long (like I said, I hate to fight!) and when we do argue, I try to argue the best way possible.

The difference?  When a lot of people argue, they blame.  YOU did this and YOU did that and it's YOUR fault.  In those short phrases, you have quickly taken all of the heat off of yourself and placed it upon someone else.  I read recently that no one can "make" you mad.  Only you can do that.  So, if this is the pattern of thought we follow, how can someone else be to blame?

Instead, try "I" statements.  This is what I try to do in an argument, no matter who I disagree with.  "I feel" or "I think" even "I want."  By using "I", you are establishing partial fault.  Ever hear that lovely phrase, "When you point at someone, three fingers are pointing back at you?"  This is especially true in arguing.  We can throw "yous" all over the place!  But where does it get any of us?  Certainly not to resolution!

This applies even in a heated conversation.  Last night, my fiancé and I were talking about an article and we were on opposite sides of the fence.  I admit, I was wrong in my approach several times.  I used "you" when I was trying to find out more information about my fiancé's feelings on the subject.  Instead of saying, "Why do you feel like that?" (seems harmless, I know), I probably should have said, "I would like to know how you come to that conclusion."  It doesn't come across as accusatory or offensive.  Mind you, I don't think I raised my voice (I hope not), but sometimes the tone doesn't matter.  Our words are weapons that often times, we don't use correctly and wield too quickly.  But once a word is uttered, it is there.  Never to be revoked.

Within five minutes of this conversation, I was hugging my fiancé, reconciling with him.  I tell him I am the best person to argue with because I never want to stay mad.  I am too affectionate of a person.  But you have to discover what works for you.  Maybe you need to walk away and leave the issue alone.  Sometimes, I need to do that.  Sometimes you may need to go to bed angry.  You would be amazed how differently the situation looks in the morning.  But try always to be slow to anger and quick to forgive.  Remember that burned bridges take years to rebuild.  That is time better spent celebrating together.

For my fiancé, if you are reading this tonight, or any night, I am sorry for our argument.  I don't ever wish to live in a place of anger or malcontents with you.  I was wrong in my approach.  I love you with my heart and my being.  Remember that whatever we encounter, I will be the first to embrace you.