"Hoppy" Easter

Christ is Risen!  Alleluia!  Alleluia!

A very Happy Easter to those of my readers who celebrate the conquest of death by Jesus Christ!  For those of you who may not share in this belief, happy final day of March!  I certainly hope it is filled with candy, love, family, friends and happiness!

I recall the phrase above being shouted at the Easter Vigil right as the lights were to be turned on and the church brought back into Light.  Shouts of "Hosanna" could be heard in celebration of the cementing of eternal life.  To reiterate the meaning of this celebration, Easter is one of the most honored feast days in the Christian religion.  It is celebrated as the resurrection of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.  

Easter is also known as a time for rebirth and renewal.  The world is just starting to bud and burst from beneath a layer of snow or permafrost, the Earth becoming ready to till.  As is the Earth, so our minds must turn and till to prepare for more knowledge and growth in our lives.  How ironic that school was a thing taken up during the time where the harvest was done and the sowing could not yet commence?  However, when the sowing could commence, the learning was thought to stop.  It is as though where one sense of learning ceases, another takes its place.

This is much like the world outside of school.  While attending school, you focus as your source of learning is what you read from books and glean from your teachers.  You hardly notice learning from experience or gain wisdom from life lessons.  When you leave school, you may think initially that learning is completed, only to find out otherwise.  Learning doesn't ever stop or cease its existence.  It only becomes more intuitive and more ingrained in our world.

Just yesterday, I came to to learn another lesson.  You see, I am constantly someone who guards her thoughts, feelings and attitudes for fear of judgement.  I discovered that I still perpetuate this attitude in even writing this piece of literature.  My fiance reminds me well that I am talented in expressing my thoughts and feelings and yet, expressing them is to share a piece of vulnerability that lies within myself.  

As a result, my rebirth for this year occurred yesterday.  I shared with the world my musings, my writings and my vulnerability.  With this, I expose who I am with no holds barred.  I hope you will enjoy what I write and what I think.  Most of all, I hope you respect it.  I cannot promise what I put will be in line with yours thoughts, Reader, but I would be respectful of your thoughts and feelings.

I hope you all have a wonderful Easter and please come back to read more of my writings.  I draw from my experiences, my environment and what I hear around me.  Until then, enjoy a thing called, La Vie."

Passing of Time

The sun is streaming into the windows, peeking its way into my world between the slated blinds.  I hear our little dog, Molly, crying for freedom from her crate and her bed.  I feel my fiance roll out of bed and begin to move within the apartment and start his day.  Meanwhile, I laze about, drifting in and out from the realm of sleep and dreams.

It is mornings like this that I enjoy so much.  I woke finally, after fighting sleep in my eyes, to find my fiance standing at the door, smiling at me.  I got up and made french toast and coffee.  Here we sit, discussing life and the day, our Molly lying lazily between us.  It makes me think about how we measure time.

Before clocks, time was tracked by the rising and falling of the sun.  Sun dials, then, helped keep a little bit of tracking of the hours.  Otherwise, the concept of hours and minutes is one we pressed upon the world.  Is it our need of structure that we impress our world into some intangible constraints?  But we have another way to define time.  That is the difference between the work week and the weekend.

At work this week, my coworker and I were discussing about missing school.  Why would we miss school? Because during school, you always knew there was another day off around the corner (of course, I missed school for the academics as well).  The summer or winter vacation would always be right around the corner, with periodic days off throughout the year.  Now, in the real world, I work everyday with the exception of Thanksgiving and Christmas and can take a week off a year.

But the week too is constructed by man.  Where did we get that there were seven days in the week?  Granted, I figure the answer would be by the tracking of the seasons and also by the history of seasonal celebrations.  It is simply an interesting thing to consider.

The seasons come and go but what remains standard is the love that exists between our friends and family.  Remember that nature can prove to be a source of inspiration and love in our lives.  But if we are in forever a rush, we miss what is the most beautiful in our world.  Stop and smell the roses.  Take time to take a stroll in nature.  Breathe in the air and focus on the freedom it releases.  Nature is at our core.  Try it.  It's a good way to reduce stress in a thing called, "La Vie."

www.hsmagazine.net

From Passion to Resurrection

Today is Good Friday, vendredi saint, and a solemn feast day for those in the Christian world.  In Roman Catholicism, I would be expect to fast, refrain from eating meat or have a complete fast and not eat at all.  But not only are our bodies bare, but the Church usually is to.

If you have ever been inside a Catholic church, you know they can be ornate settings, draped in cloth, gold and coverings.  But walk into one today.  If it is anything like the church I grew up in, the altar will be bare.  Crosses may be removed or, in the case of a large crucifix that cannot be physically removed, the face of Jesus will be covered in cloth.  It is a dark time in the church.  Services as limited to the Passion, the Stations of the Cross.  Light and bells are not flooded into the Church.  The Easter Vigil begins late on Holy Saturday completely in darkness.  Candles are the only thing we come into the church with.  It is when the light has left the world.  Suddenly, His resurrection!  Gloria is sung, the lights come on and we all start singing.

Today is somber to celebrate the joy for Sunday.  Easter is more than candy, bunnies, eggs and big dinners.  It's about family, love, celebrating the Light of the World coming back.  Even if you don't recognize Christianity, is there any better thing to celebrate than family?  Togetherness?  The light?

It's Spring but you would hardly recognize it here.  Who knows?  Perhaps Easter, when the Light comes flooding back into church, will mark the beginning of Light warming up the Earth.

Have a Happy Weekend...er...Hoppy Weekend!

The Battle of Loneliness

This morning, when my fiancé and I walked out our door to go to work, I witnessed snow flakes descending from the sky.  I am sorry, perhaps Mother Nature did not get the notice.  It is Spring, afterall.  Easter is this weekend and families will be coming together for Passover as well.  Even if you do not celebrate, you will be enjoying the time you have with each other.  Or are you a victim of loneliness like much of the world around you?

Or like me?

No, that is not to say I do not have friends or people to turn to.  I have family who loves me, friends who support me and a man who will stand by my side.  I think, however, that we all get lonely sometimes, for no reason at all.  Have you ever walked into a packed room and still felt like you were the only person there?  That is the ache I am talking about.

It is an ache that has connections but longs for more.  It is a social butterfly left out of its element.  It is going to Prom by yourself and watching people around you having a good time.  But why does this occur?  We are so connected, so bound by instantaneous communication, that loneliness should not exist....right?

Right?

I have been a victim of seemingly unreasonable loneliness for a long time.  And it comes in waves.  Sometimes it could be something a simple as I reach for a hand that does not respond to my hand or say words of concern that do not get acknowledged.  I feel lonely when I feel unheard.  Earlier in my life, I felt lonely because I was.  I didn't like who I was (and I am still struggling with that) and I was depressed and down.  I am an animated person so if you see me, you would never guess how I might feel internally.  My fiancé is beginning to understand my non-verbal cues I try to hide.

Perhaps you are lonely because you are on Facebook and no one there talks to you.  Perhaps it is because friend after friend deserts you, despite how you are always there for them and would be in an instant in the future.  Perhaps you were betrayed and that betrayal left you with loneliness for answers.

Loneliness is not cut and dry.  It is complex, like all human emotion.  Defining it would not suffice to explain it.  If it did, this would be a one line blog entry.  But it isn't.  What is your loneliness?  What causes you to ache?  Mind you, I am being serious, but sex can leave you lonely too...maybe that is the piece you are missing?  An act not as intimate as you may desire it to be?

Be careful of Loneliness.  It can destroy you.  It can cause your world to crumble around you and control your life.  If you embrace it, it is hard to fight away from.  If you fight it, you need a hand to be pulled from the Darkness.  Loneliness is searching for us all...

Are you prepared for the confrontation?

 

cyrilcliffette.wordpress.com

The Road For Which I am Meant

A few days ago, I wrote about a dream I had.  I described it in as much detail as I was able to remember.  I also shared what my fiancé, who has a calling to the ministry, thought the dream meant.  In case you have forgotten and do not want to look back on an old post, the gist of it was this: I had come across an insurmountable hill on my bicycle and started sliding backwards.  Suddenly, it felt as though a hand was pushing me, without any assistance from my own pedaling.  I found myself on top of a beautiful mountain, a place where no one else could ever reach.  My fiancé shared with me that he felt it was God's way of telling me that He would always help me overcome, no matter what lies in my wake.

Yesterday afternoon, while I was on my way home from work, I began to think about my faith, God and the seemingly insurmountable objects I had conquered.  And a specific time came to mind. 

I moved to Virginia on November 30th, 2012 and began work at my place place of employment on the 3rd of December, 2012.  This is officially my first time ever moving out of my parents' home (not counting college, naturally) and my first time ever living with a boyfriend.  Work was progressing nicely and I was getting positive feedback all around from co-workers and clients alike.  Approximately 2-3 weeks into my new job, something happened that scared me.  This is about mid-December.  I work alternating weeks.  One week, I will work 9-6 (early), next week, I will work 12- 9 (late), and I work every Wednesday late.  It was a week I was working the late shift and I was coming home.  I was on the phone with my then-boyfriend, now fiancé, talking about my day.  I was driving in the right lane.  Suddenly, out of no where, a deer came darting from left to right and a collision occurred.

The deer got away but I felt as though the breath was stolen from my chest.  My poor fiancé was on the phone, the line quiet, possibly only hearing the heavy breathing being exhaled from my tightened chest.  He began to panic, I heard the concern in his voice.  I pulled over, I got out, still on the phone, and I walked around my car. 

The damage seemed cosmetic.  It was still functioning, just not pretty.  I got home and fiancé came out and looked over the car.  The only thing left to prove the existence of the deer was the fur it left, caught in the buckled hood of my first car.  We took pictures, I wrote my insurance agent and the recovery process began.

As soon as I got the go ahead to take it into a shop, I did.  They immediately put me into a rental car, saying the car was illegal to drive with the broken headlight (the lamp itself was still operational).  A few days later, I was told my car was a total loss.  The repairs would be too much to warrant the repair.  It was more than cosmetic.  I now had about 5 days to find a replacement.

I was scared.  I was afraid.  I wasn't prepared to make such a purchase.  Could I afford it?  I had student loans, I was living in a new place, I had a farther commute.

I don't know what happened or how it happened, I think I put a post out on Facebook about my plight.  My middle sister (who works part-time at a dealership) calls me. "We have a car here that is really nice.  It was just put on the lot.  You need to look at it.  I will send you the paperwork."

I did all the paperwork.  She calls me back, "They are asking about a car loan.  Did you co-sign your boyfriend's car?  You need to call and talk to them."  So I did.  I explained that the car in the accident was not the car I had just signed on a loan for.  I had to help my boyfriend.  He would have done it for me.

That Saturday, we went to the dealership to discuss the car and what the price might be per month.  I was cringing.  I was so concerned I wouldn't be able to afford it.  But I needed a car.  Christmas was next week!  I walk in and my sister was sitting in the receptionist chair:

"I am so jealous of you!  Wait until you hear your car payment!"

There were gentlemen around her.  One of them looked up and said, "I got your car payment to under $200.  That includes every insurance you can have on a vehicle."

I was shocked.  Something I could afford.  Something that wouldn't break the bank.  And a car that felt like a luxury car to me.  OK, so the electric locks don't work on the driver's door.  And the CD player went ca-put.  But it drives. 

I was thinking yesterday about how God must have had a hand in that intervention.  I was in a dark hour of despair.  I don't recall muttering a prayer for help but I very well may have.  But irregardless, He was there when I needed it.

The situation was very odd.  My fiancé told me then I should have driven in the left lane.  I told him it came from the left so that would have resulted in more damage.  My mom tells me it was a force of hand, but that I am fortunate to have found such a great deal.  My dad thought I got a good vehicle for the circumstances.  The very next day, I was engaged. 

I won't ever fully understand why things happen as they do.  It isn't my place to understand the phenomenon in life.  But acknowledging the significance of that occurrence in my life is a big step for me.  It is admitting that whether I acknowledged Him or not, He never stopped looking out for me.  If I reflect further back, I can see it throughout my life.  I am a very trusting person, which has its place.  But I put myself in some dangerous situations.  However, I always overcame the obstacles.  That's why I can enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Refuge in the Hermitage

In my first year of college, I was delighted to become a part of the A Capella Choir on campus.  Imagine my further delight to learn that this was the year of the international trip.  And what a trip it was!  Russia, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuanian and Finland in the span of two weeks.  We sang in the Dome of the Rock church of Helsinki, Finland.  We drove across the border of Russia into Estonia.  We had lunch with the American Ambassador to Estonia!  But by far, the most touching experience that continues to weigh heavy on my heart...

...was St. Petersburg, Russia...

True, there is much beauty in Russia.  The architecture is glorious!  That is a part of what I adored so much about being there.  But St. Petersburg hides a secret within its walls.  A history many of us would like to forget. 

The first church we were to sing in was a beautiful, Lutheran church.  The outside was ornate with beautiful cravings and decorations.  The inside was...concrete.  I was puzzled by this, as I believe many of us were.  Then the story unfolded.

During the time of the Soviet Union, centralized religion was frowned upon.  To reinforce this ideology, the government would commonly convert churches into other buildings.  This church, which originally would have been defined as a cathedral from the diorama in the vestibule, became a swimming pool.  There were pictures showing people literally swimming in the church.  We had the honor of being able to go under the church and from there, we could see the concrete basin, as well as the scrawlings of prayers.  I don't believe any of us anticipated that.

We also visited the Peterhof Palace, or Summer Place and the Hermitage, or the Winter Palace.  These were defined as such because this is where the Emperor and his family would stay in accordance to the season.  The Hermitage is now housing thousands of pieces of art and is a museum in its own right while the gardens of Peterhof leave so much of the romantic in me to come alive.  My thoughts on the Hermitage have become darker as of late.

If you have not figured out yet, I am an avid reader.  My family jokingly calls me, "Belle," after the character in Beauty and the Beast who devours books and literature in general.  I recently read a book entitled, The Madonnas of Leningrad.  While the story itself is not true, the circumstances the characters face reflect the conditions of the Soviet Union at that point in time.  This includes the use of the Hermitage basements as refuge from the bombing happening overheard by the Germans.  It also is written as though it is a series of flashbacks, although you would not feel that way initially.  I highly recommend you read this work.  It is not very long but I felt it was very engaging.

I realize something now that I didn't realize in Russia at the time.  I like to think that I am aware of how fortunate I am to live in the time that I do.  However, I still feel the more I learn about the past, the more I need to humble myself for the future.  How many people died because there was not food to eat during wars, and yet today, we complain when our food isn't prepared to our liking.  How many people died through self-sacrifice or as prisoners of war over the span of time, only for us to complain about going to a safe career?  Plainly, there are plenty of things they could complain about.  They didn't.  They adapted.

Just a little thing to reflect in this thing called, "La Vie."

Snow-Covered Dream

This weekend has been wild and the weather matched it to a T.  My fiancé and I woke on Sunday morning to a dreary day, planning to travel to Roanoke, VA to have a birthday celebration with one of his cousins.  Not even an hour later, I look out the window and snow was falling in heavy flakes onto the ground.  The world began to look colder.  We hurried to get to church only to find that services had been cancelled.  The birthday party was frozen, much as the world around us.  We decided to venture there, anyways, to visit his parents.

We had a glorious time.  I love my future in-laws greatly.  But the snow kept worrying me to no end.  What if we can't get out, I think.  What if I can't get to work?  What then?  My fiancé tried with all his might to calm me, but to no avail.  I had swung into a mini panic attack...OVER WORK!

I told him he wouldn't understand and I truly don't think he ever would.  How do you explain to someone that missing work is giving you a panic and anxiety attack?  That you feel your duty to your place of employment so strongly that it makes you feel sick to miss it.  Or how even when you are sick, you try everything in your will to get there or last there.  We got home safely and I am sitting in my pod, safely.  No worries, no anxiety.

Work seems to be like a constant in my life.  My father taught me a strong work ethic.  You look and ask for work if you don't have anything to do.  That is called job security.  When you have questions about things, you learn about it until you can't understand and then you ask for help.  That is called ambition.  Did my learning such a strong and powerful ethic cause me to go too extreme?

My fiancé would tell you that I am a worry wart.  Shoot, I would confess to that as well!  I worry constantly.  And yet, I tell the people around me to not worry about things they have no feasible control over.  So why can't I embrace that as well?

Saturday night, I had an interesting dream.  I was biking on a path and people were constantly biking around me.  I was moving slowly, but it was hilly as well.  And the hills got steeper and steeper until I finally reached a hill that was insurmountable on my own accord.  I felt myself rolling back and closed my eyes.  All of a sudden, I felt something pushing me up.  I was not peddling or using any of my own force.  I found myself at the top of the hill.  Furthermore, the top of that hill turned out to be the top of a mountain where no one else could reach.  I stopped there and gazed out in this view that no one else could or would ever witness and gasped.  I could see from shore to shore, boats in the harbor and houses in the villages around me.  I took pictures, inhaling the air and feeling the warm breeze.

Then, I woke up.

When I told my fiancé, he interpreted it the same way I did.  Perhaps it is God's way of telling me that nothing is insurmountable if I trust.  And I know I have a hard time trusting Him sometimes.  I worry and fret when truly, there is no reason.  If it is in His hands, He will find a way.  Maybe not now, not tomorrow or not for several years.  But it will happen...in His time.  But, until my time or your time comes to discover what is the answer, enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Late Night and Pause to Tomorrow

Hey, everyone!

Whoever you are...

It is late and my fiancé and I just got home from a day filled with looking at homes, tattoos and friends.  I came up with a good topic...but you will just have to tune in tomorrow...and hopefully, it won't be too late for me to fill everyone in!

Until next time, I hope you have a great night and enjoy a thing called, "La Vie!"

Slave to Duty and Society

If you watch the news, I am sure you are like many and dread it every night.  It never seems to be anything good.  Always bad.  This post isn't about bashing news.  On the contrary, we as people need to know what is going wrong in our society to be able to repair its shortcomings.  I will explain why I bring this up.

This morning, before I went to work, I happened to catch a movie I rather enjoy being shown.  The Duchess starring Keira Knightley.  For those of you not quite familiar with this movie, I highly recommend you view it.  It may be difficult to watch and I would most adamantly recommend you do not include your small children in the viewing.  For the very reason of the scene I am going to discuss.  You might deem this a spoiler but this scene is not the entirety of the movie.

At this point in the film, the Duchess of Devonshire attempts to strike up a deal with her husband, the Duke.  She will live amiably with his mistress, who is also her friend, blessing and condoning their extra-martial affairs on one condition:

She wishes her feelings for another gentleman to be accepted as well.

At this, the Duke is disgusted and indicates that he does not make deals.  He insults the children of his mistress and demands an heir.  The Duchess leaves the table with her husband and his mistress in her wake.  The Duke pauses before quickly pursuing her.  He follows her into her room, where he walks in.  He proclaims that all he asked for from her was loyalty and a male heir, to which she replied, "The same as your dogs."

At that, the Duchess begins to scream and cry at as the Duke....rapes her.

Why, you must be wondering.  Why would ANYONE want to watch a movie with that in it!  I will be happy to tell you why.  Because these atrocities happened every day in that period of time.  This is where we get "Rule of Thumb" from.  A man was allowed to beat his wife as long as the rod was no wider than his thumb.  Women were made to do whatever a man wished, including be subjected to the sexual demands of her own husband, whether by choice or by force.

And because this world still hangs in the shadows of our society today.

If you have been watching the news, no doubt you have seen, heard and discussed the Steubenville case, where a girl of 16 who was incapacitated with substances (I can't remember if it was alcohol or what the case is) to the point where she cannot remember anything about that night.  Where boys, who are active on the local football team, took advantage of this girl and her vulnerable state.  Pictures were disseminated around the school and community.  They were brought before the court and you know what sentence they were given?

 

Juvenile...until age 21...

That is, for the youngest, a total of 5 years.  This girl's dignity was calculated to cost those boys 5 years of freedom.  Meanwhile, her name was shared with the world, the boys were pitied for their life ending, and the town is outraged that this girl didn't keep silent.

Because that is what is taught.  Be silent.  Be quiet.  Girls, don't create a fuss.  I know the Dean of Students at my university had to step down because it was discovered that she had silenced rape reports.  It's bad for PR, right?  God forbid anyone speak up for the victim and protect them. 

But I think the bigger problem lies in the fact that instead of teaching boys it is wrong to rape, we are teaching girls how to prevent being raped.  Isn't that a bit backwards?  It really makes me think about where our world is going and how can we prevent it from falling so hard? 

Reflect on this and other things you see in the news.  Then consider how you conduct your life.  Are there ways you can improve the perception in the world?  While you ponder, please enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

With Rings on Her Fingers

I am late today!  I have had a long day at work.  My hours were extended today to include a webinar for my position.  It was worth it.  Isn't it rewarding to say something like, "I had to go to work early today to dial into a webinar...in French!"

My body is weary but the mind is reeling.  On my way to work today, I stumbled across a radio broadcast that I could not, at first, discern the topic.  As the time passed, second by second, it came to light.  They had a woman on the phone who had been engaged 4 times!  Not only that, but she never married any of them!  AND....she was dating No. 5 and expecting to be asked.  What further ruffled the hosts and my feathers, as I am sure a few other listeners, was that the woman had never, EVER, given any ring back.  She kept them...

All of them!

Now, raise your hand if the person you are with would appreciate you holding on to a symbol of everlasting commitment from another person.  Anyone...

Anyone at all...

No?

Case in point.  I know my fiancé was not thrilled when we began out relationship to think that I had just keep sakes and cards from my exes.  I had never been engaged to anyone!  But I can also understand.  There are things that bothered me that he took care of, just as I did.  But that's respect.  Something I have a high quantity of, as does my fiancé.  For myself and for each other. 

Now, perhaps you can argue this woman (also named Laura, I am ashamed) has a great deal of self-respect and confidence.  I should say so because she said that unless this Guy No. 5 has something fantastic planned...she will say no!

Are we becoming desensitised to emotion and excitement?  Can you get a high from proposals?  I think this story shows just that.  We become so enraptured in the emotions and the nature of the event that sometimes, we lose sight of what that event truly means.  In each case, she said she concluded that these were not her ideal men.  But perhaps, they gave the ideal proposal?

This goes for everything.  We even take things for granted, to our loss.  The love you feel with your significant other?  Hold on to it, nurture it, tend to it.  If you don't, you could lose it quickly.  What is here today isn't guaranteed tomorrow.  Just like Life.  In an instant, everything precious you value could be ripped from your possession.  And what will you have left?  Will you have Love?  Respect?  Intellect?  Ideals?  Morals? 

Will you have Faith?

When I started on this journey, I wrote down a myriad of topics and ideas to write about.  But as time began to pass, I realized that I could draw more from what Life gives me.  Sure, in the beginning they were planned, carefully executed and I am sure I will draw from my list from time to time.  I will talk about books I read and things I hear.  However, who can beat talking about what you experience?

I hope you are enjoying my thoughts, whoever you may be.  Perhaps you have an idea you want me to discuss or divulge my thoughts on.  Please, let me know.  I am always willing to learn and share my perceptions.  Afterall...perception is reality.  Until tomorrow and hopefully not as late of an hour, I hope you enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

All that Glitters...

It is a story that we all encounter at some point, either in our own experiences or through someone else.  That story of choosing between love and money.  A choice between a life that could be rife of poverty but full of love or a life filled with riches, yet devoid of Love.  A life of convenience or of dedication.  What would you choose?

It may seem simple.  You may consider that having money would far outweigh the need for Love.  That you can fill that void.  But you can't.  A void from Love is one that is never filled because Love is endless so the void, too, must be endless and bottomless.  This comes to mind today because yesterday evening, I had a conversation with a coworker of mine.  She illustrated this choice (although it is not at the point of love) between a younger man who has similar life experiences or an older man who offers her comfort.  She said her friends insisted it was an easy decision, one you shouldn't have to think about.  As she talked it through with me, I think she already knew her answer: Love.

In truth, I am not unlike her.  I, too, had decisions like this cross my path.  I was offered to fly around the world, to receive a living stipend, to be cared for.  I was told any work I missed would be compensated and paid for, plus shopping, fine dining and excellent accommodations.  And each time, I knew I was not the only woman in the man's life.  I was a companion, an escort of sorts, that he was seeking out.  A younger woman to stand by his side and on his arm, one with intellect, who can entertain witty conversation.  But it was empty...

It made me feel empty... 

No, I didn't go flying around the world, receive a stipend or otherwise conduct myself improperly in this circumstance.  I am a woman driven by Love.  I discovered this every time I encountered a situation where Love would not be sown into the relationship/courtship.  I would wonder why I wasn't enough, what I could do to become enough.  The truth was that those men didn't want Love.  They wanted a companion, someone they could buy, wine and dine and not owe any explanation to.  An easy way out.

My past experiences paint who I am today.  If I didn't not realize how much I run off Love, I would not be engaged to a man whose being runs off Love as well.  I would not be loving his son, his family, nor anyone else associated with him, if I did not discover this pivotal piece of information about myself.  The world cries and searching for the meaning of Life but perhaps we can only get clues.  This was a clue for me.

Reflect on your past and the experiences you have come from.  Perhaps, there is a clue to the meaning of your life within those painted walls of memories.  We build our lives as a mansion, the outside is perfect, gilded and glittering with success and decency.  But how is it furnished on this inside?  Is it furnished with Love, Faith, Hope, Trust and other values you desire to have?  Or is it unfurnished, waiting for the pieces to be put in.  Perhaps all that is there is a crooked picture hanging on the wall.  It is waiting.  Waiting for you to straighten it and look into the eyes of your experience.  Perhaps it is a mirror.

While you reflect on your experiences and what makes you, you, consider this.  No two people run on the same emotional stream.  This is why relationships can be difficult.  What drives me in some aspects of my life doesn't necessarily mean it does for my fiancé.  But you work on it.  You compromise.  You understand those differences and come to terms that maybe you won't get to cuddle all the time, for example.  But maybe that's what makes those times you do cuddle that much more sacred.  Until you stop by again, I hope you enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Trouble at the Bottom of a Box

Cookie Time!  The most wonderful time of the year for most of the world.  A time where Girl Scouts go door to door or can be seen in front of stores and other locations, selling those delectable, delicious cookies.  However, it isn't always a fairy tale ending.

Yesterday, there was a story on the news about a Girl Scout Troop who was scammed into placing an order for 6000 boxes of cookies, to a tune of $24,000.  If I remember correctly about the details of the situation, this order was place via email and I don't believe it was by any one that any of the troop members knew.  When they discovered this was a scam, it was too late, as the boxes had arrived and the money must be collected.  The community went into a flurry of activity to recoup the loss that had befallen upon these girls.

While I feel bad that these girls came into this situation, I cannot help but feel as though a leader should have been suspicious from the start.  I was a Girl Scout for ten years.  I started when I was a last year Brownie.  If I would have tried to take an order of that magnitude from someone I didn't know, my leaders (and my mom, who was a Girl Scout leader) would jump all over me.  The rules to cookie selling were very simple:

• Never sell cookies by yourself, go with a buddy
• Always sell to people you know and trust

That was basically it.  Mind you, email wasn't as wide spread as it is today.  But I can assure you that we were not suppose to take orders from people we or our families did not know, with the exception of a booth sale where the money was presented up front.  My mind is blown that the leader didn't flag this at all!  Where were the adults in this situation?  I mean, you get an email for 6000 boxes of cookies and that doesn't seem the least bit odd?

I am certain the girls (and adults) learned a valuable lesson about business and how to conduct it.  I feel sorry for them that the troop is now responsible for this money for the cookies that were fraudulently ordered.  I am ashamed the adults didn't look into this further.  This is not the Girl Scouts I knew.

But everything is changing so rapidly these days.  My mom tells me she refuses to buy cookies at a booth sale when adults are selling the cookies, not the girls.  Come on, girls!  This is suppose to be for you!  I HAD to sell the cookies, my leaders and parents were not doing it for me.  That money is for your troop or the prizes for individual cookie sales are for you.  Wouldn't you be more proud of earning that if you can take ownership of the sales?

The world keeps spinning and my head begins to swim.  I may not completely understand what happens and why it happens, but life happens.  We should learn from it and enjoy it as much as we can.  So, with Spring on the horizon, I hope you enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Reflections in a Rain Puddle

Today, the world continues to celebrate St. Patrick's Day here.  It is gloomy and rainy.  It causes me to want home-made potato soup and brown bread, like my mom makes.  Ah, to be there, in Ireland.

Yesterday, the world seemed to be crying with my fiancé and I as we had to drive the two and a half hours to take his son back.  Weekends are always so short when we have the extra bit of love in the house.  He is 5 and even though he may frustrate us, we adore him.  We don't ever want to let him go.  Sometimes it can be a struggle for me.  Having this charming young boy in our lives includes his mother being there also, my fiancé's first wife.  While I wish they can stay civil for the good of their son, it also makes me sad to witness.  The marriage was far over before I entered into my fiancé's life but still...

At first, I told my fiancé that if he ever saw an opprotunity to reconcile with his ex, I would encourage him to do so.  He looked at me as though I had three heads.

 "Why on earth would I want to do that?"

Why would I ask such a question?  I think, in my mind, I don't ever want to keep a family apart.  If there came a time when people might be able to reconcile, I encourage and want it to happen.  I grew up in a family where my parents had their arguements, yes, but they always reached a resolution.  I know my sisters and I always worried they would divorce.  It was a relatively new thing in society as we grew up and us as well as other kids feared it with a passion.  That was the kiss of death when you were told a family was divorcing.  As a result, I would never wish that upon anyone, for any reason whatsoever.

As time passed and the relationship grew, I saw there no evidence that the past marriage could ever be revived.  The things I lived through with my fiancé would make your blood run cold.  The things his son was exposed to and heard between them.  Being deprived of his son for so long....

This weekend and ever weekend we have to take his son back leads me to almost relive ever bad thing we have ever heard, witness or will in the future.  It makes me wonder how someone can call themselves a role model but lead their life so dangerously.  It is like wondering how people who live below the radar of the law continuously get away with the crimes they commit.  I won't ever know an answer.  All I can do, all we can do, is wait for the moment we will have to fight for his son.  And that day will come.

It is only a matter of time...

So, while the rain falls gently on the Earth, crying with my soul, I remain respectfully still.  The silence brings alive so much within me.  I can reflect on where I have been and where I am going.  I encourage you to do the same.  If you are in a custody situation, reflect on your behavior toward your child and your ex-spouse.  Have you been a less than ideal role model?  What is a role model to you?  Until next time, I hope you have a lovely day and enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Learning from Loss

Leap forward five hours in time and you will come across the shores of Ireland.  On this day, St. Patrick is said to have driven the snakes out of Ireland.  On this day, Ireland is celebrating the feast day of its patron saint.  From the Cliffs of Mohr to the shores of County Galway, the country is enjoying a day of celebrating with loved ones and neighbors.  While we as Americans dye rivers green and our beer green too, the people of Ireland need only go out into a field and see the green laid out before them.  I am so proud to call myself Irish.  On this day, my blood runs green.  So I begin this post saying, "Happy St. Patrick's Day!"

I mentioned briefly last night about the parade my fiance and I and his son attended.  I also told you that the topic of today's post had three legs....did anyone figure it out?

Let's see....

Yesterday, in the Raleigh parade for St. Patrick's Day, there were several animal rescue groups dedicated to certain breeds of dogs.  There were the Irish wolfhounds (my favorite, I want one of those gentle giants!), greyhounds, German shepherds, pit bulls and much, much more!  In a few of the groups, I noticed a dog that made my think.  These dogs had three legs!  Now I am certain you have all heard stories.  An animal loses the use of its limb and adapts its lifestyle accordingly.  I remember watching one little kitten who was born with deformed back legs, both of them.  This little kitten got around by, literally, picking its hind legs off the ground into a hand-stand and walking that way!  I have seen dogs with two legs, both of them on the same side of the body, and the dog is still able to run and play.  He stands up by leaning against a tree, for example.

How is it that these animals do not realize their limb is gone?  Whenever we, as people, lose the use of a limb, whether temporarily or permanently, we mourn for a little bit.  We are slow to adapt but quick to mourn.  I began to think about our ability to adapt in other aspects of our life.  When we suffer a loss, how can we adapt to a point where it is like it never happened at all?

When we lose a loved one, we are force to handle the death through the funeral and spending time with the surviving family.  It still takes time to recover from a loss such as this, to begin moving forward again.  But what about other losses?  We have to adapt to change in our life, no matter what aspect.  But I think we have to also remember what we lost.  Unlike animals forgetting they had the limb, any piece of us that we lose, we have to remember it was once there.  We learn from loss.  If you lose a friend, you learn how to better keep the next one.  When we lose a little bit of faith, we have to learn how to get it back and keep it.  We can learn a lot from animals but have to remember what makes us human as well.  Loss is painful and can cause us a lot of strive in our life.  But loss is also the way we grow as people.  When large losses occur in the world, such as the Holocaust, we are more hard pressed to prevent something like that from happening ever again.  It causes social change in the world and society, as well as the immortality of that loss.

Loss cannot be ignored, although we try to.  I believe our mourning to be the process of trying to forget when we really should be embracing the loss and learning from it.  I know it is hard.  I have gone down this path several times, in several ways.  Although I try to forget the loss, I eventually come to realize that it can help me move forward.

I hope everyone enjoys their St. Patrick's Day.  Please be safe.  Don't drink and drive.  Most importantly, enjoy and embrace everyone around you.  You never know when you might experience a loss but it is better to enjoy the time you have rather than stew on the potential future.  Until then, enjoy St. Patrick's Day.  Here, it is gloomy and rainy, fitting for an Irish celebration, and the best kind of sunscreen!  Please enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Away for the Day

Happy St Patrick's Day in advance!!!!

I have just returned from a day in Raleigh, NC with my fiance, his son and my parents, enjoying the parade and festival in downtown there.  I not only had an amazing time but also procured a remarkable sunburn!  Starting the season of heat right.  As it is an hour from the day of celebration for a lot of the English speaking world and a holiday for my family (Dad is full-blood Irish), I am going to save my notes on life until tomorrow.  I hope you will come back by and visit to read what I saw and how it made it reflect on how I live my life.

I will give you a hint....

It only has......three legs.....

That's it!  No more clues!  Until next time, enjoy St. Patrick's Day carefully and cautiously.  Please do not drink and drive and enjoy the time you have with loved ones.  Until tomorrow, enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Married, with a Boyfriend

Long past is the time of world-wind romances and sweeping people off their feet.  If you watch the news and listen to the radio with any sort of consistency, you will undoubtedly hear about cheating and infidelity.  What actor/actress was found in the arms of a person NOT their spouse today?  Perhaps it was arranged that way, an open relationship.  I cannot imagine what the people of yesteryear would say to the ongoings of our current generation.

Now, before you jump all over me for my title, let me explain myself.  Yes, it is a bold statement but no, I am not wanting nor ever want to cheat on my fiancé.  So before you go try to track him down and warn him of the imminent danger he is walking into, please allow me to elaborate.

So often, couples complain about how after they were married, the sizzle fizzled.  This is often a reason given that people seek other partners: to find the sizzle again.  It is too much work to rekindle that fire and so much easier to stoke it with a stranger.  But I want to keep my fire alive.  I want to be both married to my fiancé AND for him to be my boyfriend.

Make sense now?

Of course, this will never be easy.  We would forever be hounded by the pressures surrounding us.  But it is the glimmer in his eyes that tells me this is possible.  Am I always willing? No and neither is he.  However, I know we can still be playful with each other.  We leave notes for each other and try to kiss one another as often as possible.  We cuddle and talk.  Our good-byes in the morning are long and our welcome home in the evenings can't come fast enough.  This is what I desire.  To be able to come home, to a strong, stable, amazing man who can also enjoy playing, flirting and loving me like we just met yesterday.

It is not without its problems.  We are not perfect, by far!  But we realize that we need to communicate and try to work through things rather than shrug them off.  Take last night as an example.  I had previously asked that he open up to me about his thoughts and feelings.  I want to be his girlfriend and future wife.  However, when he did, the girlfriend in me came out instead of the loving wife.  The girlfriend lashed out, not understanding fully what he was talking about or confused as to what to do.  The wife would have looked at him lovingly and filed everything he said in the back of her mind to use at a later point in time.  I was able to bring the wife forward but it was not without bruising his feelings and Ego first. 

If you are reading this, my Love, for that I am truly sorry <3

No relationship is perfect, true.  But a relationship is what you make it.  It can be sizzle, fire and spark or it can be dull, lifeless and wanting.  You have to seek in the other person what you need to be fulfilled.  And reach a compromise.  These are things that you can never stop seeking, for fear of losing that fire.  To stop looking for the one you love is to stop fighting for the relationship.

I have amends to make for the girlfriend coming out when it should have been the wife.  I realize that.  However, I know that my love for my fiancé is deeper than any love I have felt previously.  And I will fight tooth and nail to stay his support.  For now, all I can do is wait for the end of the day, to come home to my fiancé and his son, who will be with us this weekend.  Until that moment, I have to try to enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Winds for Change Shifting?

The white smoke came billowing out from the Sistine Chapel yesterday, approximately 7 pm in Rome.  It was a joyful occasion for all Catholics around the world as a leader had been elected, a new pope.  As you may remember, Pope Benedict XVI shocked the world by stepping down from the papacy.  He caused further conflict when it came forward that he would remain in the Vatican City, not too far from where the shadow of the new pope would fall.  And be dubbed Pope Emeritus.  Emeritus is defined as, "Having retired but maintaining a title of honor."  He vowed he would not interfere with the decisions of the church, allowing the new pope to lead the people of the Catholic church in peace.

The new pope, now known as Pope Francis, shook the world himself, becoming the first pope from the Americas.  He was a cardinal in Argentina and is known for living in poverty and a humble life, denying the right to live in the palace maintained for a man of his status and electing to live in an apartment instead.  He waves aside the chauffeur for taking a bus.  He is a Jesuit priest, an old order.  He, too, is not without conflict, especially given his ties and potential involvement with the dictatorship that ruled Argentina in the late-1970s, early-1980s.  But what man goes without scrutiny?  I read that around that time, he watched as women who had children out of wedlock wondered from Catholic church to church, begging the child be baptized.  He would witness church after church turn them away.  The former cardinal Bergoglio compared this to that of the Pharisees, of how it became exclusive, not inclusive.

I hope this is a sign of change to come on the wings of the new pope.  I can express first hand that there is a sense of exclusivity when it comes to the Catholic church.  My fiancé and I experienced it first hand.  Further more, as a woman within the Catholic church, I experienced the duration of my life.  The meaning of the word, "Catholic" is "universal."  In our confession of faith, we say, "We believe in one, holy, Catholic and apostolic church."  A church of unity, of followers, of believers. 

The Greek word most commonly associated with the English word church is, "ecclesia."  This means "the called-out."  Any member of a church would be considered called-out to its purpose.  So how can a church turn people away when its confession of faith mentions unity and the root of the word church means the called-out?

I don't know if there is an over-bearing fear of protecting the way things were or if it is fear that the morals of the church would be lost in any sense of modernization.  But I wish things would change.  I hope for a day when I can walk into a church with my future husband and smile at the priest, no judgement clouding his eyes.  To partake in the sacrament of Eucharist without the whispers so many wayward Catholics hear at Easter and Christmas.  For now, all we as a world can do is pray.  Pray for the unity of the Catholic church.  Pray for Pope Francis, that he may guide the church in a good direction.  Pray for religions everywhere to begin working together to heal our broken world. 

And always pray for each other.  Sometimes we lost sight of those we need to pray for the most: ourselves.  So it is with a hopeful heart and a light smile that I wish you enjoy today and everyday, in a thing called "La Vie."

Brick by Brick

Last night, my fiancé and I had just finished dinner and we were enjoying watching TV.  I told him I had sent him an email about a house I had seen online.  From there, we again commenced our quest to finding our future home.  We shared pictures, descriptions and appearances, concerns and excitement.  It was fun to think about of course, especially being two adults living in a 2 BR/1 BA apartment.

Come the morning following an evening such as this, my mind begins to wonder the various loopholes and traps that might be lying in our path.  We have to consider our finances, I tell him.  What about the down payment, the water, insurance, taxes?

In his cool, calm, collected way, he laughs over the phone and reassures me:

We will be okay.  We just have to pray and things will work out.

 

I drive to work thinking about how we are not even yet married and considering buying a home.  Are we putting the cart before the horse?  Or perhaps, are we building our home too fast?  Whenever you look at a home, do you ever think of how long the construction actually took?  Or do you just see a pretty façade and a few potential problems, a money pit or a dream come true?

 

I realized in a past job of mine how often we over look things.  I worked in the sign industry.  You read it right.  I watched sign being built, repaired, conceived, priced and sold.  I remember thinking that I had never thought about how every sign I saw needed to be made.  And made in a certain way!  Later in my job, I had to work in the vinyl department, cutting and laying vinyl for signs.  I learned quickly that you can do things in a certain order to get everything looking pristine or do them how you want and potentially end up with a less than uniform mess.

 

Considering that, are we building our home, our life too fast?  I suppose if we weren't considering the fundamentals of our life together, we would be.  We would be building a shell without having a firm foundation nor a way to fill the walls.  However, I am lucky that my fiancé and I share a lot of the fundamental morals that come into question during any relationship.  Sure we differ in some areas.  But we are two different people and that happens.  My favorite quote about marriage is:

 

Marriage is a perfect union entered into by two imperfect people.

 

So generally, we are similar.  We can say our foundation is poured.  We even have some of the frame work built.  We are experiencing living together, the division of responsibilities and discussions of the financial sorts.  And we are being cautious.  We discussed this morning about sitting down with all the numbers and complying what we think is possible.  This includes bills, loans, possible things in the future, financing of a home and other various items of our household.  So I think the framework is close to being done.

 

To fill a house, to make it a home, it has to be filled to the rafters, to the brim, with Love.  And that Love can come from a variety of different sources.  It should be Love for yourselves as individuals and as a couple, Love from your families and their support, as well as Love in the divine sense.  Whatever your belief system, I am sure you feel an embrace from the world sometimes.  It is time to embrace back.

 

No relationship is ever completely built.  My fiancé and I will be building our relationship until the end of our days (God willing).  And even then, I am sure, if you could ask us if our relationship was completely, I feel we would still tell you it needs work.  This is due to the fact that relationships are not slapped together and left to stand the test of time.  They are a work of art that constantly needs to be updated, perfected and improved upon.  Perhaps one day, I will need to work less and spend more time at home.  Perhaps one day, we will have to work more to have a home.  But it is those intricacies, the salient motion of relationships that not only make it more difficult to maintain, but more rewarding as well. 

 

So as I take you on the journey of building my relationship brick by brick, I hope you enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."



Narrowly Avoiding Disaster

Every morning, when I drive to work, I pass by some beautiful landscape. There is a huge farm that I can always see to my right, followed by different properties that make anyone ready to settle down. It can also prove to be distracting. Along my route this morning, I spotted a crow in the middle of the road. As we know, most birds fly off as soon as a car comes near. But never a crow. If you watch, they take their time.

My little crow this morning literally took three steps and then two hops...to simply get into the other lane! Although he was safe from me and the vehicle immediately behind me, he was lying in the wake of a vehicle too far for him to notice. Seeing this caused me to think about how much we can be like crows. We do just enough to step out of immediate harm's way, only to not foresee the danger coming up fast behind us.

Are we simply dancing in the road, teasing those potential dangers as a matador would a bull? Why do we do this to ourselves?

I spent the rest of my drive trying to consider what situations I may have narrowly avoided, only to put myself in the wake of something bigger. A good analogy would be scenarios from when I was in school. I commonly could skate through classes with minimal studying required on my part. I would pass each test, but never without sweating it out (not a good test taker, mind you). Needless to say, when the final, comprehensive test came along, I realized I had narrowly avoided immediate danger to only place myself in a more precarious situation. The same can be said for how I often would write papers. My final year in college, I wrote the bulk of my final papers the night before they were due. Sure, I wrote outlines and did my research. I even had thorough notes for each one. But that one night was spent in a flurry of desperate activity, mad I procrastinated.

I had done minimal work for minimal reward in each situation. While the immediate reward was great, it left me with something more monumental to consider later in the year. This does not simply apply to school work, either. There can be circumstances in work, personal life, relationships, even your Faith where this can be demonstrated.

For example, at work, you take each day as it comes, setting up the files and having them on hand. Then, suddenly, your superior wants a full, comprehensive document you created with all the values inputted from the time of conception. If you were only taking it day-by-day, you may not have entered every value necessary.

In relationships, this is commonly known as "too little, too late." Have you ever talked to a friend who tells you they didn't realize it until it was too late that their love was gone? Bruno Mars just had a song come out that capitalizes on this situation:

(Chorus)

Hmmm too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers and held your hand
Should have gave you all my hours when I had the chance
Take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby is dancing, but she's dancing with another man.

We get as much as we give. If we do the bare minimum in our lives to get by, can we truly say we are living life to the fullest? Instead of buying that diamond for your significant other when it's too late, why not do little things to reinforce how much you value that person? I know I try to do this with my fiancé. It isn't always perfect and doesn't always work out. But hopefully he knows from my efforts that I love him.

He does the same for me. One night, when it was snowing and I worked late, I came out to my car. It was encased in ice, about a quarter inch thick! I turned the key in my door and pulled hard, almost falling on the ice around my car. And what was inside, but an ice scraper and a note from my fiancé telling me that he can't wait to see me and to be careful driving home. No diamond. No riches. Just his emotions and love written in a note and shown in an ice scraper.

So the next time you are faced with this scenario in any situation in life, why not avoid moving into the next lane like the crow and fly out of the road instead? Take proactive measures to anything. Believe me, I need to take my own advice! Instead of narrowly avoiding disaster, why not take steps to stay out of harm’s way? So please, don't play in the streets and enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Date Night in Oz

What a crazy weekend!  On Friday, my fiancé and I witnessed the building next door burning.  Fortunately, any fire was contained to one apartment, but no lack of smoke damage was sustained in the other apartments.  Please pray for those people who are currently living out of a motel.

On Saturday, we went to see Oz: The Great and Powerful, with another couple after dinner.  It is an excellent movie, I highly recommend you see it.  Although, I told my fiancé that any child of mine will have to suffer through The Wizard of Oz before seeing the "prequel."  The mysticism of it all is gone when you see this movie first.  But watching the movie caused me to reflect on the symbolism of the Wicked Witch of the West being green.  I will try to talk about this without going into great detail.  The last thing I want to be is a spoiler.

The Wicked Witch of the West has been portrayed as green in the original movie, as well as this new prequel.  But what can this mean.  Green is often associated with envy, as well as jealousy.  If we think about the original movie, the Wicked Witch is envious of the ruby red slippers, as well as jealous of Dorothy getting them.  Water causes her to melt, disintegrate into the ground as though she never existed before.  Water often symbolizes cleanliness, perhaps starting of a new life.  This is especially true when you consider Christian themes within the movie.  Water is typically a symbol of baptism, baptize meaning, "2a: to purify or cleanse spiritually especially by a purging experience or ordeal." 

Typically, baptism is seen as a cleansing from Original Sin, the term most commonly used in the Christian faith to refer to the disobedience of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.  This is also the reason that the name is given here.  It is similar to giving the child a "new identity" so to speak.  In the Catholic faith, later in the child's life they will undergo the Rite of Confirmation.  This is a sacrament in which the adult affirms their faith in the Catholic church.  They also choose a new name, typically based on a saint.  I went through this process.  My chosen name is Catherine.  This name is marked in the books as a part of the new identity.

But why would the Wicked Witch have this reaction to water?  I read today that this was L. Frank Baum's nod to history, when accused witches would be thrown into water to see if they would drown.  If the accused sank, they would be innocent.  If they floated, they were guilty.  I can also imagine this analogy being used as witches are typically deemed evil and can only be expunged with holy water.

I did a Google search for "L Frank Baum Christian themes" and a lot of different sites came up, explaining the potential congruities between The Wizard of Oz and the Bible.  I think there are also a lot of similarities between the movie as well as history.  The "prequel" draws a lot of allusion to the original movie, which is nice to see.  Still....no child of mine will see the newer one without seeing the older one first.

Well I recommend you have a date night with your significant other and go see a movie, go out to dinner, or how about a quiet picnic on your living room floor.  What you do doesn't have to cost money...it just has to mean something.  In the meantime, enjoy a thing called, "La Vie."

Emotionless

One of my all time favorite books is The Giver by Lois Lowry.  I strongly recommend everyone read this book several times.  Even as I write this, I want to read it again.  This book is along the same lines as George Orwell's 1984, discussing society as if it was something that could be so completely controlled and observed.  In The Giver, you literally were numbed.  A mate, a life partner was selected for you.  Children were birthed by women who would continuously give birth for about 3 years and work hard labor the rest of their life.  Twins could not exist.  Pills were handed out to prevent emotions, arousal and other human interactions.

Here are two quotes from the book"

“I liked the feeling of love,' [Jonas] confessed. He glanced nervously at the speaker on the wall, reassuring himself that no one was listening. 'I wish we still had that,' he whispered. 'Of course,' he added quickly, 'I do understand that it wouldn't work very well. And that it's much better to be organized the way we are now. I can see that it was a dangerous way to live.'"

“What if they were allowed to choose their own mate? And chose wrong?”

Think about what these quotes are illustrating.  In the first quote, the main character, Jonas, is discussing experiencing love for the first time.  He admits to liking it (the speaker represents the every-present ears), but also admits to the impracticality of it within the society.  How love can be a dangerous way to live.  The second quote is similar to that is illustrating how controlled these character's lives are.  Their life mates, emotions, even their careers are selected for them.  There is even a big ceremony at the end of a school year to assign jobs.

In our society, we stress the importance of individuality and personal choice.  Can you imagine a world where that is taken from us...in order to protect us?  Now reflect on the world as it exists.  We are politically correct because people become offended by what we say.  But offense comes from an emotional place.  We connect what someone else says with how we feel when they say it.  This is how emotions become involved.

Think about how you many not be able to talk politics or religion with those around you.  Perhaps it is too emotionally charged for it to be a reasonable, level-headed conversation?  Perhaps you can respect someone else's opinion but doubts your conversation partner can respect yours.  I can see where emotions can be a perceived danger.  However, if we shield emotions from those around us, are we not creating a society not much different from that of the book?  This is why this culture of complacency in our world is dangerous.  If we continue to let others control what happens in our world without our voice being heard, are we not putting our way of life in danger of being destroyed?

I highly recommend, as said in the beginning of this blog, to read The Giver by Lois Lowry.  I believe I will need to find a copy again and re-read it myself.  Books like this hold a good lesson for us.  For now, enjoy a thing called "La Vie."

Discovering Love...Again

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Love (noun):


1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
      (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers
      (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests
 
    b : an assurance of affection


4 a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another:
   as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind
       (2) : brotherly concern for others

   b : a person's adoration of God

This may be the hardest thing to write.  One of them, at least.  To really explain my outlook on love and Love, I have to explain my experiences from Love.  This gives you, the reader, an opportunity to explore how I came to my viewpoint currently.

Currently, I am in love with an amazing man, engaged to be married and enjoying life each day as it comes.  But if you were to meet me in my freshman year of college, this girl did not exist.  This girl had yet to be discovered.

I had typical experiences in high school.  I had "boyfriends" but didn't kiss anyone until I was 17.  The boy that I kisses (that was outside of preschool, mind you.  I don't count that) was a gentleman.  We had a lot of good times.  Unfortunately, we met 2 weeks before I had to move away with my family.  Before then, love had played cruel games on me.  I was teased, picked on, lead on and told I was only fit to marry, but never date.  After the move, the relationship lasted only to the end of May, perhaps early June.  That was the last good relationship I would know in approximately 2 years.

My grandmother passed away and plunged into a downward spiral.  I was used and tossed aside like a rag doll.  I won't go into detail now, perhaps another time.  One story at a time, like the 40 Arabian Nights.  I had extremely low self-esteem.  I hated the person in the mirror.  I was an object, subjected to the whims and fancy of those around me.  I didn't know what else to do.

December of 2006, I thought things would turn around.  I started talking to a guy on Myspace.  Remember that social media site?  He seemed like a gentleman and we made plans to meet.  I was in college in Hickory, NC and he lived in Gastonia, NC.  I drove to meet him on his turf.  I ignored the red flags.  What could I do?  He wanted me...

The first time I met him, I don't remember much.  The one thing that sticks out in my mind is the fact that he got a letter, addressed to someone else.  He said he couldn't receive mail under his own name.  That should have been the first warning to run as fast as I could.

But I didn't.  Like an idiot, I stayed.  And like I deserved, he began to take my liberties.  He took control of my life.  My clothes, my debit card, my card, my things.  Nothing was mine.  I felt as though I had to do this because he was right in what he said.  No one loves me.  No one cares...except him.

I remember one night, we went to a country bar in Charlotte, NC.  I was so excited to go out.  He had brought a friend with him, another guy.  I had to pay the cover for all of us.  That night, I was dancing and having fun when someone bumped into me.  Being who I am, I hip bumped the guy back, making light of a crowded situation.  I looked over at my boyfriend and saw fire in his eyes.  Terror flooded my mind and my receptors.  He had threatened to leave me on the roadside before.  To take my liberty even further.  I walked over, my head hanging to my chest.  He accused me of cheating with that man, the man I was hip bumping.  No amount of pleading would make him believe me.  I was so scared.

This was probably not the first time terror was brought into my life by this monster.  But it wasn't the last.  I remember I would drive the hour to see him on a school night.  I would try to leave when I thought he was asleep at 11 pm, at which he would wake up and ask me where I was going.  Saying he didn't want me to leave.  And with that, I would stay.  I would drive back to school at 4 or 5 am, nearly falling asleep at the wheel.  Several times, I fell asleep while on the road, waking with a start at the swerving motion the vehicle was being subjected to.  I remember him seeing me in nice clothes and telling me I was clearly cheating on him.  I had a conversation with a classmate and I was sleeping with him.  I was told to wear baggy shirts and ripped jeans.  But this person was the only one person who loved me.  He told me so...

On Valentine's day, my parents gave me a gift card to get myself something as a gift from them.  I handed it to him, the monster, thinking he might get me something, give him a way to buy me a gift without his own money.  He bought me a 99 cent rose.  The card was not returned to me.  There were other gifts in the car.  Mine was an after thought.

I was a part of the school's a Capella choir.  Every spring, they would go on a spring tour, traveling to some place and sing at different churches along the route.  But that's when things got odd.  I called and he said he was in the hospital.  He told me a dorm mate of mine took him there.  Should have been yet another red flag.

During our intimate moments, he would be on the computer, talking to other girls.  I was an after thought.  Yet I thought he held me as the center of his world.  How blind was I!  After coming home from the spring tour, I found a hospital bill in my car with a different name on it.  Not his.  But someones...he couldn't explain how it got there.  I went home for St Patrick's day and celebrated with my family.  My parents, especially my mom, kept asking me if I was OK, that I didn't look well.  My grades were suffering, although I didn't tell anyone.  I didn't have the strength to get out of bed.  I was about to lose my scholarship, although I won't know this until it was too late.  A few weeks after St Patrick's day was Easter.  I told him I was going home for Easter.  He complained but ultimately capitulated.  And that trip and what occurred afterward probably saved my life.

I came back from visiting home and began to clean out my car.  He had left it littered with trash and various sundries of things.  But then, my hand came to rest on an item that shocked me to discover.  A knife.  There was a knife hidden under the driver's seat of my car.  I was shaken to the core.  I broke down and began sobbing again.  I couldn't ever seem to stop crying.  My life became a series of tears and sleep, the only things my body had the energy for.  I knew then that it had to be over.  With that knife, my life could have been over in a fit of rage.  And it was not the knife I had bought him.

The end of that relationship or rather reign of terror came with the help of my parents.  He had confiscated my iPod and other various sundries of my possessions.  I couldn't face him alone.  I asked my dad to go with me.  He obliged me.  When we approached the door, I knew he was inside.  He wouldn't answer.  When we drove off, he text me, telling me to come back without my dad.  My dad told me to drop him off about a block away so he could still see me and then go.  More importantly my dad told me he loved me and would back me, no matter what.  With that, I faced him.  He shoved some of my possessions into my arms and closed the door.  I hadn't been invited to the house in a while.  The last time I was there, visiting with his family, the cat they rescued came to let me pet him.  The monster was amazed as the cat wouldn't come near him.  Small wonder.  Animals know people better than we know ourselves.

He called and begged me not to do this while I was having dinner with my dad.  When I said I couldn't, he flew into a rage.  I have blocked out whatever obscenities he may have hurled in my direction.  And this wasn't the end.

Over the course of the month, the girl who took him to the hospital went with me back to his house to demand the rest of my belongings.  He shoved them into my arms and threatened to come after us.  He began to jump into his mother's vehicle to follow us as we drove off.  At the end of April, he was spotted in that same girl's room.  I came to find out that in the span of a little over 4 months, he had been with 7 different women, not including myself.  My dorm mate and he got engaged ultimately and I had to suffer seeing him on campus for over a year.  He had lied to me about his name and his whole story.  All because he was a registered sex offender who didn't want to report his new location.  And I was completely in the dark about all of this.

The damage was done.  I lost my scholarship for a year.  My life was in shambles.  I thought of dark things daily.  My world was clouded over with despair.  I made more bad choices.  I was caught in the snarls of other men who were terrible to me and for me.  It wasn't until February of the following year that I got back into a better relationship.  Even then, I wasn't whole as I could be.

I am now engaged to a wonderful man who has taught me the true meaning of love.  He fits all the definitions seen above.  And I hope my Faith will help grow my Love too.  Over the last year, I have realized that I have been discovering the meaning of love all along, even with kissing my share of frogs.  I was learning to love my family again, the way I should love them.  I was also learning to love myself, little by little.  I still have a ways to go until I love myself without a second thought.  But love is something that always has to be discovered and rediscovered.  Even in long-standing marriages, those couples would tell you the spark takes effort to be warmed and maintained.  To love is easy.  To be in love takes work, dedication and compassion for the other person.  It is a two-way street.  If you are ever feeling taken advantage of, consider the life you want and the path you are walking.  Perhaps that will shine some clarity on the subject.  Until you come to collision time of love and life, please enjoy a little thing called "La Vie."

Having Hope

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Hope (verb):

(intransitive verb)

1: to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>

2 archaic: trust

 

(transitive verb)

1: to desire with expectation of obtainment

2: to expect with confidence : trust

 

Hope (noun):

 

1 archaic: trust, reliance

2 a: desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment <came in hopes of seeing you>;   also: expectation of fulfillment or success <no hope of a cure>

   b: someone or something on which hopes are centered <our only hope for victory>

   c: something hoped for

 

...Hope...

What is it?  What does it mean to you....to me...to our society?

As shown by the definitions provided, hope can act as two different parts of the sentence.  It can both be a noun and a verb.  That verb can be transitive (meaning it is an action on a third object) or intransitive (meaning it is impressed on ourselves).  With so many definitions, what does hope mean to us?

As children, we all had hope.  Remember hoping Santa would come down the chimney and flood the house with presents from top to bottom?  Remember on your birthday maybe going to bed with jitters in your stomach, hoping for that one thing you just couldn't live without?  Even as we started growing older, the hope still held on to us.  Hope for good grades, for a part in a school play or show, to make a sports team.  So....

where did all that hope go????

I think the more we become consciously aware of our personal impact on our lives, the less hope we have.  We begin to try and control outcomes, as opposed to hoping for them.  Hope is for those who don't have control, we might imagine.  But what if hope is exactly what we are missing in our lives?

 

I have noticed that I don't get too excited over things anymore.  Christmas isn't near as thrilling as it was when I was, say 6.  But is that because Christmas changed or because I changed my outlook on life and lost a bit of that child-like hope?

 

Remember Jim Carrey in How the Grinch Stole Christmas?  And Cindy Lou Who was trying to find her place.  She sang a song that read, "Where are you Christmas?/ Why can't I find you?/ Why have you gone away?/ My world is changing,/ I'm rearranging/ Does that mean Christmas changes too?"

 

Does it?  I think we all know the answer.  Christmas doesn't change but we change as adults and that impacts the world as we know it.  We lose the magic, the spark, the Hope that Christmas possess and entrances children with.  I know I miss having that.  It goes back to the Trust that children have that I wrote about a few days ago.  We lose Trust in our child-like whims and pleasures and think we will be OK without these things.  However, I believe we all need a little bit of Hope in our lives.

 

The changed necessary to bring hope back into the main picture will be monumental.  Those changes take time.  Hope now has to be replanted into society where it was so viciously uprooted and casted aside for better things, such as modernization.

 

But I know one thing I lost hope in was in my faith and belief system.  Now, I know not everyone is religious but maybe your belief system you lost hope in was yourself.  I know I lost hope in myself too.  It is a dark and desolate place, I wouldn't wish my enemies there even.  I have to replant that seed, replant Hope into my life.  I want to have hope for my family, my siblings, my loved ones and someday, my children.  I want to be able to get excited for them, with them and celebrate their hope.  It is difficult to do without having a bit of hope yourself, no?

 

I invite you to sit down and think about the last time you felt Hope.  I know I felt it faintly every time I applied for a job before I am at my current employer.  I felt Hope when my fiancé first started talking to me.  But I gave up on it.  Case in point: the day I started talking to the man who is now my fiancé, I told my mom that it would never work.  Despite my exposure to my parents' fairytale story, I told her that no one my age wants to work at long distance (he was in Virginia, I was in North Carolina).  That is is a diseas of our times. 

 

I didn't have hope....at a time when I should

have possessed it the most.....

Look at us now!

 

Hope and the ability to hope needs to be relearned.  Think about what brings you hope.  Recreate the moment.  I know it is something I need to do.  Right now, I am hoping to have a good time tomorrow with my fiancé on our first day date in a while.  I can't wait.  Until next time, enjoy this little thing...a thing called, "La Vie."



Finding Faith

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Faith (n.):

1 a: allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty

   b (1): fidelity to one's promises       (2): sincerity of intentions

 

2 a (1): belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2): belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion

   b (1): firm belief in something for which there is no proof       (2): complete trust

 

I invite you to review the definitions of Faith provided by Merriam-Webster Online.  Reflect that the first definition, a more secular one, is geared more towards our interactions as men and women of this Earth.  Notice it is defined as a loyalty to a duty or a person.  Thus why we say such things as, "I have faith in you."

 

Reflect, now, on the second definition.  This is clearly the more religious undertaking of the term, more commonly referred to, not as faith, but as Faith.  The reason I capitalize it is due to the fact that it is referring to an intangible and incomprehensible power.  To God.  It also gives it differentiation in my writings.  I can talk about my faith in others and my Faith in God.  But this is more than reflections of faith and the definition thereof.  This is about finding Faith.

 

As I mentioned in my first entry, I am Catholic.  However, as the majority of people experience, events in my life caused me to pause and turn slightly from my Faith and system of beliefs.  I stopped attending church.  I cried everytime I was there.  The sorrow filled me to the brim and I felt as though my chest was heavy.  I couldn't walk in there.  I felt it was a lie.  I felt misguided and wandering, like in the desert, searching for answers.  All along, I know I should have kept going.  Hindsight is 20/20.  But I was in college.  I had better things to do, right?

 

I knew best.

 

Well, several forks in the road, disastrous turns and other good intentions gone bad, I had come full circle.  I didn't know it yet, of course.  I still felt lost.  Honestly, I can't put my finger on the moment that I came to realize that church was exactly where I needed to be.  I know when I met my fiancé, I initially rebuked church, saying I could be OK on my own.  Finally, we went to the church he attended at that time and I succumbed to tears.  It was around Mother's Day, I believe.  I don't know what song it was or how it came to pass, but I cried.  And I needed to cry.

 

Too long, I had held back my emotions.  The hurt, pain, tears, fears and everything that held me back.  I had been bottled, capped and set on a shelf until that point of expiration.  And I exploded.

 

I know that day, the pastor made us seek another place to worship.  His words were not of the Christian spirit in our hearts.  But the service invoked memories in me that had been part of a catalyst to my downward spiral: memories of my Nanna

 

Nanna, my maternal grandmother, was a remarkable woman.  I remember coming home from elementary school and going to the apartment my family had built for her joining our home.  Three steps separated our house and hers.  Three steps and a laundry room.  I loved hearing stories of my grandfather, who passes away before my birth.  To see his metals from World War 2 and to talk to her about her experiences.  But most of all, I think about the Bible she gave me.  And the inscription she wrote on the inside page.  Although I do not currently remember verbatim and do not have it with me for easy reference, it encouraged me to continue my walk with Christ.

 

The spring of my Junior year in high school, we moved.  I changed high schools.  I put on a brave face.  And it didn't leave for years.  During that summer, my dad had taken me and my two younger sisters to the beach.  Mom called, urging us home.  Nanna was slipping from us.  The day my mom came home and told me Nanna had passed caused my world to crumble.  Although she told all of us there was an enormous amount of peace following her last breath, I was immediately lost.  In the span of 4 months, approximately, I felt as though I had lost my home and a piece of my world.

 

I didn't cry at her funeral.  I told myself I couldn't.  They played my favorite hymn, "On Eagle's Wings," yet not a tear escaped me.  This is what she would want, I lied to myself.  I didn't mourn, truthfully mourn, her death until about the beginning or a little before 2012.

 

My fiancé has started to bring me back to center.  My family, now more than ever, is my rock.  They have always been there but I have been too blind and lost to see them at the end of my nose.  The day I began mourning for my Nanna was the day I could begin to heal.  To begin to forgive all those who had trespassed against me and who I had trespassed.  To forgive myself for the years of hurt and affliction I had put myself through.  Am I better?  No.  Even to this day, the hate that had consumed me for years still comes boiling over.  On those days, even the sun can't make me come from the shadows.  On those days, I know I am not myself.  But in healing, we must still hurt.  And this is a healing that is more than physical or mental.  It is also emotional and spiritual.  Not only must I mend the relationships between me and the people I know on Earth, but mend the relationship I had lost with God.  I have to have both faith and Faith.

 

I continue to search for the complete inner peace that we all want ultimately.  I know I will find it.  It may take some deep soul searching and consideration, but it is possible.  And this blog is a part of that.  I think it will help me find some of my inner peace I know I need.  And so, I continue my journey of finding Faith and faith.  I will have more to write tomorrow.  Enjoy a thing called "La Vie."