My name is Laura. I am 24 years of age and currently reside in Virginia. I am engaged to a dashing young man, to whom I am a spring chicken. We are planning our nuptials for October and I am wrapped up in the combination of work, play, plan and sleep.
But I am beginning to learn more and more about, not only my fiancé, but myself as well. I think the biggest hurdle I have had to overcome is my roots.
My background is Catholic. My fiancé's background is Baptist. I love him nonetheless. But this created an interesting scenario when we starting talking about our nuptials. Where would they be? What course do we take? This is further complicated but the fact that my dearest love is a divorcé. The requirements for good standing within the Catholic church is that he get an annulment. So we look for answers...
And look....
And look.....
And look some more....
Truth of the matter is that no one would talk to us. We wanted information and knowledge is suppose to be free, yes? In this case, I had just moved to where I am currently so my old parish priest would not speak to me as I was not a part of the parish (even though I was still registered there). A local parish priest would not speak with me because I was not registered there (even though all I wanted was to have an open conversation between him, myself and my fiancé).
I was confused. I had always, in my life as a Catholic, been told that the church was a place you could turn to in times of trouble, heartache and need. I expressed this to the local priest. I told him that the church should be a safe haven, where lost souls and wandering people should be welcomed. I was never told my acquiring knowledge would be on a conditional basis. I was perplexed.
That Sunday, despite the arguments and tension this was creating in our relationship, my fiancé agreed to go with me to Mass. I knew this was not something he wanted to do, but was doing out of respect for me. How fitting we attended, as the priest spoke directly to what I had emailed him about.
"If you are Catholic, you must be in Communion with a church. You cannot seek answers without being in Communion with a church."
....I felt violated. Now, I realize pastors, priests and clergymen draw their sermon inspiration from reality and can come to terms with that. Go ahead. Use my example. I felt violated because everything I had understood and been taught about my beloved Catholicism had been turned on its head.
I dared to approach the priest after Mass with my fiancé begrudgingly behind me. The priest opened by saying he can't help me, I am not a member of the church. He wouldn't even sit down with me and discuss the case until I signed a form (that he conveniently did not have with him). He wouldn't even look at my fiancé, who would be the one to have to file for the annulment. I was mortified. He grimaced when my fiancé disclosed his religious background. I believe he felt as though he was trying to fight for my immortal soul, as he saw I would be lost upon marrying this man.
When we left, I cried.....
I cried for my disillusionment that I had been subjected to all these years. Nothing more then self-inflicted, I tell myself. I guess I have not been studying enough or understood Catechism enough. I apologized profusely to my fiancé, tears falling onto my clothing, my Sunday best that I felt was tarnished to wear. Through our struggle, we went to the church we had been attending together. There, I succumbed to tears again. I felt my fiancé embrace me and a loving member of our church family hold us together. I felt lost...to a point, I still do...
What does one do when everything you believe has been seemingly torn from you? Some say this is the best time to turn to God. And I try to, everyday. That day, at our second service, we stopped the pastor there and my fiancé asked about my dilemma, the reason behind my somber face and wet eyes. He looked at us and said, "You have the follow the path that you think is reality. Do you think you can only go to Heaven if you marry in the Catholic church? (To my fiancé) If she does, then you have to decide whether you can respect that or not." With that, we decided to wed, regardless of the teachings. My love for him is greater than any religion can define.
However, I had thrown a wrench in my relationship. I had caused flashbacks, blackouts, tears, arguments and disagreements. Me....all me. All my fault.
That night, I felt a weight on my shoulders that I don't think I have figured out how to lift yet. It weighs me down, causes me tears and not the unboundless joy for which I am so well-known. This weight should be effortless but my doubt causes it to be heavy. It is my Faith. I trust and know God is there, but I can't understand what His role is. It confuses me.
A friend of mine, Meg, had given me information about a woman by the name of Angela Faddis. She was a young mother of two who was undergoing treatment for Stage IV colon cancer. This was sudden and truly tested the bounds of the words, "In sickness and in health" words I will soon say and hold near my heart as well. I followed her, her husband's and her family's story nearly daily, until her death on September 21, 2012. The motto on that page I kept reading was "+Jesus, I Trust in You+". A motto I hope to openly and fearlessly adopt. One quote of hers that I found is that:
"I want people to know that no matter what, they must trust in Jesus."
Perhaps I will elaborate more on Trust tomorrow or the next time I write. I have exhausted the space and, surely, you, the reader, as exhausted as well. I hope this blog to be a way to think about how I see life, how life happen, how "La Vie" happen.
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